Am I Trans? Bigender?

[Guest Samurai_Kid]

I've been thinking about this lately. I'm biologically female, by the way.

Lately I've been wondering this. I'd rather not see a gender therapist though; I'd rather work it out myself. I don't like speaking to people, and go to to therapy would mean I'd have to both come out to my family and

As a child I honestly can't say I felt like a boy. I played with dolls, I loved Barbie, I had an Easy-Bake oven, wore dresses, etc. I stopped being feminine when I was like seven though, and by age ten I had little interest in girls other then nervous feelings (like a squish but not romantic). I wouldn't be caught dead in a dress or skirt; However my current school has forced me to with its dress code, which makes me uncomfortable and I dislike.

I referred to myself as a girl and I thought of myself as a girl. I had no interest or clue about gender, but I never had much of an opinion about gender. You could say even at that age I knew of the binary and disagreed-ed with it.

However.. Up until I was twelve, starting around seven, I did think I was a boy. I thought I had a penis honestly, since I had no understanding of genitalia I mistook a perfectly normal female anatomy for it, but I still thought of myself as a female (albeit a MTF whom my parents were lying to).

I hate being referred to in feminine nouns or pronouns, and would rather be referred to in masculine ones. Some feminine ones don't give me a reaction, like my mom's Spanish pet names, but usually it makes me uncomfortable and cringe a bit.

I don't like being friends with females much, for varying reasons that usually relate to the fact that I have few feminine interests, and I want to be around boys my age more.

I'm aromantic so I can't say anything about my sexuality interests (not that that's any concern since transpeople can be gay), but I do get nervous around girls but I'm quite casual around boys. I suppose it means nothing relevant to this though.

I feel rather boyish. I want to look like a boy, be thought of as a boy, etc. But still part of my clings to being female, and I switch between wanting to look like a psuedo masculine gender neutral person to a feminine looking boy (personal preference but I like feminine boys).

There are these boys in my class I look up to. I thought I "liked" them but it seems like they're role models of sorts. I want to be handsome, polite, and 'cool' like them. Not ladylike or such.

I have an interest in crossdressing. I don't want to wear feminine clothing or look female. I want to wear suits, ties, and boy clothes. Buy from the boys section, go into mens department stores, have a masculine or gender neutral haircut, bind myself, etc. But I haven't done any of that.

I find myself disliking my feminine body. I've never really liked puberty, from the very start I disliked it. I just want my periods to go away, and for my body to be more masculine. I wish I had a deeper voice instead of the girly, feminine one I have. Sometimes I wish I had a male chest, and sometimes I wish I had male genitalia..But I don't care for the latter really, I find it a bit undesirable.m

I want to be both a mom and a dad, though I'm leaning on dad lately.

I don't want to have children, but mostly due to the fact I find it moronic when children need homes and humans are on the verge of overpopulation.

Sometimes I just want to say "I'm a boy!" to people. But..

But still, I feel female in a way. Like something is holding me back at times. But at other times, it feels like I'm just a girl.

I just feel like a girl at times. A masculine, almost male girl but still a girl. Sometimes I think I don't want to be a boy, that I'm not a boy. I want to be seen as a girl at times. But at other times I just say "I wish I was a girl" and such, implying that I'm not. I like being a girl at times, but at other times I hate it.

But at other times I just think I don't completely "fit in" with boys. My mindset is still feminine. Not my thoughts, but my outlook on life. When I compare myself to both gender I feel female, not that I often like that. I don't want to grow up to be masculine like a boy, I want to be..Feminine. But in a male way mostly.

I'm rather gender neutral too.

I'm unsure if I'm just a feminine boy or bigender.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well, Hon.....

You sure do have a lot of things going on there...

I really don't know if you can work it out yourself or not.

I'd suggest a Gender Therapist to help you work this...I know that's not what you really want to do, but, they sure can help you find what you are looking for...

I do wish you all tye best, Hon....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest KimberlyF]

Hiya!

I'm gonna agree/disagree in a more blunt way than Donna Jean.

You have lots going on there I doubt you'll be able to

work this out on your own. You're a teenager right? I'm at least ten years older than you *cough* and I still haven't figured me out with a bunch of professionals.

Whatever you are, it's OK. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not broken. Just keep posting and sharing thoughts and ideas as you get them. Maybe you can find some answers?

Kim

[Carolyn Marie]

You're young, Samurai, and have lots of time to figure things out. I suggest you read a lot in the Androgyne and Teen Forums. I think you will find a lot of posts relevant to how you feel, and perhaps they will help

you understand yourself better.

It is perfectly all right to be in between - not trans, not a crossdresser, liking male things and female things,

feeling ambivalent about sex and romance, not being sure of anything.

Read, ask questions, talk to folks in Chat or via PM (after you have 5 posts). Take your time. It will work itself out eventually.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie