My Situation - Lost Throughout The Tg (And Even Lgbt) Spectrum.

[Guest 1up]

Okay, I'm sure you've all heard many of these before, but we all have to start from somewhere, right?

I should be telling this to a therapist, but until I have the money, the independence and the confidence that I have a legitimate problem; I'm not going there. However, to my utmost luck, I have just now realised that one of the only gender therapists in Australia (which, by my research is like two or three) JUST so happens to be less than 5 kilometres from the university I plan on attending next year (YAAAAAAAAAY). Failing that, it's only about 7 from the train station - I can get to a train from where I live in less than half an hour.

Be warned that there is some discussion of sex, though I don't feel comfortable talking about it and I'm sure you won't want to hear it (it also surpasses the PG level of this board, though is not graphic in the slightest), but it does play a role in my story. Be further warned that I am 17, so if it makes you uncomfortable to read, I have indicated the parts for you to skip. If you aren't concerned with it and you would like to better understand my situation, you aren't offended by it, and it isn't illegal for you to read it, it is white, so just highlight where you see a missing line or extended paragraph to read it, or paste the whole thing into a word document to make sure you don't miss them. I will remove this content if it simply can not be posted on this forum.

On to the wall of text...

Up until about six months ago, I was closeted even from myself. Though I had thoughts, fantasies, dreams, urges, beliefs, etc that would not be normal for a perfectly heterosexual male - I never stopped to look at the big picture, I just thought everything was normal. I don't know how common this is - I hear of people figuring themselves out in their senior years, while others are completely aware from square one.

Let's go through my TG-related life story... (sorry for rambling, but I do enjoy writing).

As long back as I remember, I questioned my gender. I enjoyed dress-up, but hated people's opinions. I did it once in pre-school (daycare, for those who are unaware), I enjoyed trying to clomp around in mum's shoes - but I always knew what I did was wrong. All of primary school, I would wish to become a girl. My best dreams were always about myself somehow being transformed (I don't remember ever having a lucid dream about anything else as a matter of fact - I wish I could have them more often, I haven't dreamt as much as I would like as of late). I would take the excuse to dress up as the opposite sex when I could - I remember dressing as Dorothy the dinosaur for a birthday (for this one memory, for some reason I was completely oblivious to the fact this was not "normal" - maybe I just didn't pay attention to her gender, lol. Also, I am not a furry >. Lol again). I've always been in and out of religion, but I remember praying to God - crying and begging to wake up a different person. I remember a few times wondering what would happen if I were to use a knife (yes, that is grammatically flawed, but I really do not feel comfortable detailing that, use your imagination -.-).

I was never particularly popular in primary school (grades K-6, for you Americans ), with enough friends to count with one hand, and only ever one friend at a time. In the sixth grade I had my first crush, on a girl with whom I became best friends with - typical schoolyard romance - even in high school I would detest sexual thoughts about her, instead feeling connected exclusively in an emotional way.

In first year of highschool, things changed - I moved to a vastly different school (previously at a selective school, but missed out on a selective highschool, instead going to a religious private school). I found a group of male friends I really enjoyed being with - though admittedly, I felt rather uncomfortable about the more perverted ones (we were a large group, I just had to ignore these people/what they said, in order to enjoy my time with the others. However, I was only 13 so this doesn't mean much).

Being at this school for a year, I became rather religious, using this as an excuse to exercise homophobic beliefs and upholding "proper" behaviour for who I am on the outside.

I ended up being accepted to a selective highschool for the eighth grade, being reunited with my peers I met in grades 5 and 6. I found a new circle of friends - our common link was videogames. They would often talk about their own blood and guts games, which I detested, I preferred to play story-focused games such as RPG's, or more "innocent" games like mario and zelda (the most "hardcore" I went was enjoying Metal Gear Solid).

As you can see, during my early highschool years, things were relatively normal, with only slight hints of not fitting in. I would continue to have the same dreams, desires, etc - but I was much less aware of them, I had marginalised that side of myself. Though I did recall my early behaviour, I just kept it secret to everyone and went on being an ordinary teenage boy with somewhat Christian ideals -though I never went to church, I would pray regularly and just believe.

Then (excuse me for the corny metaphor) my world began to tremble as one of my best friends announced he was bisexual. This caused me to re-evaluate everything. Though I knew he was particularly atheistic, I wanted to continue being his friend. I forced my non-accepting side away and at this point I may have started to loose my faith, questioning the Bible's laws.

I dated the girl previously mentioned for a month, but was dumped after doing very little (I was only 15, and probably too shy). At this point I became quite depressed, as some teens of that age do - with stress from school and the guilt of loosing the opportunity to be with my childhood sweet-heart (oh, it sounds so soppy... pardon me, I don't mean to exemplify this - I think I did just overact at the time, a little depression dominoing it's may into a needlessly more severe case of depression. This was a bit of a placebo effect, I told myself to think one way, and I moved that way - yes this is applicable to my TG issue).

I eventually forced myself out of this depression, realising how ridiculous I was. I began believing on God again, albeit in a much more refined way - I believed what I felt was true, in fact I just put God up there to explain everything my knowledge of physics could not explain, I felt he might have been connected to the Big Bang in some way and at the very least, praying to Him every night made me feel a little more at ease whenever I was troubled. A second girl who I knew since grade 5, and was the friend of both the previously mentioned girl and myself was proposed to by her boyfriend of 17 (we're 15 a this point, yeah.... not quite normal) I realised that I had feelings for her only at this point, in the typical "you only know it when it's gone" fashion. They broke up a few months later and she was quite upset (as you do, duh). I comforted her and ended up asking her out, feeling that I could help her out further, getting her back on her feet and help her to make better decisions for her life instead of throwing it away out of depression. I'm still dating this girl to this day - we've been dating for over 27 months. We're a very happy couple, though we are divided when it comes to sex. She's rather into the idea, but I am not so much.

We made love a couple of times, for the first few months of our relationship, I was rather excitable, but after that I became so disinterested in sex, we've come up with the conclusion that I'm practically asexual, with enough heterosexuality in me to try every so often (I don't really want to detail our sex life -I'm sure you wouldn't be interested either- , but to be honest, we've only done it several times, only once or twice in the past 12 months).

I still love her dearly, and I have no intention whatsoever of cheating on her or dumping her for another woman, but (at least until a few months ago) I haven't been interested in the idea of intercourse together at all.

(yes, I know, I haven't really addressed anything TG related for a while - this is because I still had pushed in into the background - the behaviour has continued, but at a less severe level; it's difficult to describe this behaviour, as I was aware of it happening, but didn't think twice about what it might mean. I'm just constructing the context here, and having an excuse to write and vent.... sorry...).

My senior years of high school have been a bit of a blurry mess - I've really been working too hard at school to pay much attention to the world. However, I did slowly become more aware of my issue. As stress hit me in my final year, as I worked on my major project to meet a deadline, I tried to comfort myself by trying to get to know who I am. I had never quite understood myself (though it's difficult to recall how that felt, as it's all much clearer now) and set about researching things about me that weren't quite normal. Most of this was solved as I (for some reason) decided to cross-dress for the first time in a couple of years. I was quite internet savvy at this point, able to solve most problems via the internet - be it how to finish a Water Temple in Zelda, or how to keep cool during the summer, or whatever odd issue needed a solution. I mentally stopped and took in what I was doing, realising that this was not too "normal". If I'm not doing this out of some odd fetish, then why do I feel so happy doing this? I practically asked myself this and began researching it on the internet. Passing over tips and advice of dressing, I stumbled across the topic of transgenderism. Naturally, as an ill-informed person, I was initially repulsed by thoughts of transgender porn which floods the internet, thinking this was just related to that too. I looked further - intrigued -, discovering to my shock and utmost excitement, that these people felt the same way I did. I had thought of myself as having an odd past which needed to simply be shelved and forgotten. I looked further and ended up here - but that's not the end, that's just the beginning of the climax.

I was (and still am) "in love" with learning about this condition. I enjoy learning about how the world works in physics, but I am also enjoying learning how it works for people, possible like me. I initially thought of myself as a cross-dresser, researching this online and looking for advice online for how to cope with this and to generally get to know people who seem to be a lot like me. I've heard a lot of people say negative things about it (and I agree with them) but out of curiosity, I did the COGIATI test - ending up with the result of "androgyny". This was a new term to me, so I looked it up and felt I could relate to it. All was well, but I was still curious. After a few months I decided I should come out to my girlfriend, instead of lying - also to help me deal with the anxiety I felt keeping breast to myself. She accepted it, without any backlash whatsoever, we both cried for quite a while and I felt like I was opening up to her and fell a little further in love with her. (naw... Sorry, that came out too corny :3). However, when I called her, one of the first questions she asked was if I was into men - I immediately responded with a truthful "yes", though very soon afterwards I began to think twice about that.

I got back to work, finishing the bulk of my work, though school's not quite over yet, I am much less stressed.

I found myself more comfortable with this new "identity", thinking I could feel comfortable that I had figured my life out. I became so comfortable, I began to realise I was more than a cross dresser, but transgendered (at this point I would ponder about transexuality from time to time as well). I became more confident in knowing this. I looked back at my life history, as described above and realised this suited me even more than cross dressing - I didn't do it for any reason other than to make myself feel at ease, as the person I want to be.

Then, I'm not sure what happened. I began to realise I had a bit of a crush on my male friend. I came to realise that I had been concealing my own homosexual urges. Though this didn't have as much of a presence in my past life as my gender issue, it was plausible to think that I had been concealing this from myself - I had next to no sexual desire towards women, I had been dating a girl and trying to be completely loyal to her for about two years and had previously been Christian - I could recall having slight homosexual urges between these two points in my life, but as much as I had killed my homophobic side, I was still unable to explore my own sexuality. Maybe I have just been questioning my sexuality later than most teens, but I've felt more attracted to men physically for a few months now, occasionally having a heterosexual side show through, making me bisexual, but perhaps with an inclination toward homosexuality. This changed over time - I found myself more and more attracted to men - I noticed myself looking at guys regularly, and enjoying it.

My girlfriend and I tried intercourse twice during this time, the first time (very early in this period) I found myself repulsed by her genitalia (in general, there's nothing odd about her). We were interrupted, so that didn't get very far. The second time, I simply couldn't get an erection, so we gave up.

Up until recently I thought I had it all figured out, though I was (and am) concerned as to what my girlfriend and I would do (she is still only aware of me being a "cross-dresser"). I love her dearly, but I could live with her being a close friend - I have no sexual interest in her. Of course, I do not want to break her heart, but a lot of people come across a situation like this (about the breaking up, not the subject of being gay in a straight relationship). A the very least I wanted to wait until school was over so I wouldn't jeopardise her school results and ruin her life further (I've felt this way ever since I first realised that my transgenderism may be an issue). That time is happening right now - she's finished school, but I will too in a matter of days (we finish when our tests are over, we do different subjects, so we finish at different times).

I became much more nervous and uncertain as I recalled my gender questioning. I thought I had figured myself out as a homosexual who had questioned their gender because I might have felt that by pretending I was a girl, I would have an excuse for these urges, but I had only been aware myself of the fact that I was questioning my gender because I was so homophobic and felt it was so abnormal.

Make no sense? Good - it doesn't to me either. I realised I was still confused.

Now I have come up with a new theory that combines everything I know and doesn't marginalise any of my past or present beliefs - as far as I know; I've shown that I can keep something secret even from myself for years, so even I don't know if there's an extra layer to this somewhere.

I have come to think that I am transsexual, with feelings for men - I feel uncomfortable as a male and feel there is no use for my genitalia (though I am concerned that surgery could remove all pleasure, or just not provide it as well). I could cope with complete transition and surgery (though I don't want to assume too much, I haven't even practised living as a woman yet) and live the life of a "normal" mostly heterosexual woman (on the Kinsey scale, I would currently place myself as an 8 as my born gender, though this has and could continue to grow into a 9, though I know exclusivity is meant to be uncommon).

As much as I enjoy writing (and I am told I can write rather well), I feel this doesn't express my feelings enough - if it did though, it would be horrible biased toward my current point of view. That last paragraph sounds so bland, but I really am excited to do this and am exceedingly happy thinking about what could happen in the future. I am terrified of some of the possible outcomes, and the negative word of some, describing this journey as a challenge (I would love to make this challenge, but the dangers are horrifying).

...I think that's all....

There's so much in here, I could have easily skipped something (I forgot to add one crucial paragraph just before finishing this!). You'll probably tell me I need to see a professional; as I described, I will try when I can - I still live at home and have not come out to anyone (except partially to my girlfriend). I'm not in any danger of suicide, though I am quite anxious atm - I can cope until I can become independent.

Do you agree with my current opinion? Do you think I'm on the right track? Do you have any advice? Would you just like to welcome me here and help me get comfortable and calm down? What should my girlfriend and I do?

Don't take this question superficially, it is my biggest at the moment:

Could I just talking myself into this in a similar way to when I became depressed in the middle of highschool? (If you believe this is true, please do tell me, or you can try to tell me otherwise. I know you might not want to hurt my feelings, but I would need to change before I go ruining my life in some way)

Naturally, I'll edit and/or reply.

...okay, I'm going to stop now...

Thanks for reading this far! ♥

[Guest JaniceW]

1up,

Your message was very clear and well written. The very questions you are asking are the ones a gender thereapist is trained to help you find the answers to. In truth, only you can answer these questions. We can only share our own experiences with you, but you need to find your answers inside of you.

I can identify with the disinterest is sex very well. For me the fun lasted a little while and then I was just not interested. I now have come to learn that it is not sex that I was not interested in, it was the male role in it that I did not want to play.

You story is so familiar to me as it is, I am sure, to many of us here. More folks will come along and add their commetns, but my best advice is to stop utting off talking wiht a gender therapist, they are not just for TG's to confirm what they know, they ae also the very people who can help you to figure yourself out and find out if you are TG or not.

[Guest StephanieD]

I know exactly where you are, I'm experiencing the confusion right now. All your feelings, I have experienced in the past few years. I'm no professional, but you seem to be moving in a way that's healthy. Everyone's different, there's no set way to go about discovering yourself, and there's no time limit either. Just enjoy discovering yourself, and if you feel the need, see a therapist, they're there to help you c:

I hope you find happiness <3

[Guest Deandra]

I'm in the same situation as you. I'm anxious daily and i haven't came out to anyone. These feelings have only been going on for several months. While in high school, i always focused on work and never really been sensual with girls i just hung around them and with some guys as well. Sometimes i feel that im rushing because it's only been for a matter of months, but still im so anxious, but i'll pull through.

Deandra