Hi, I'm Trying To Learn A Bit More About Myself

[Guest Orva26]

Hello,

I'm 23, male and about to make my mark in the world by starting my first job that will actually utilize my degree. The relevance of that is as a consequence of it and the new found freedom attached I've begun to question a few things. Before I explain them in greater detail I must mention that these questions, the explanation behind them, and some of experiences I wish to mention deal with the connection to the sexuality my recent exploration of my feminine aspect has. I feel it important to frame it in its true light so that the full story is conveyed. I am aware of the rules and will try to keep it on the light side.

AND NOW THE FUN!

Okay, so here's the deal, throughout my life I've never experienced anxiety about my body. Okay, that's a lie my acne sort of did get to me a whole bunch. But I've never had the gut wrenching feelings associated with my mind and my body being inconstant. What I have had is sexual fantasies involving transformation. These started out at the onset of puberty and did not always involve me becoming a woman but it was not too long before that is where my mind would gravitate. The first one I recall was nothing overly or offensively sexual, it involved a female friend convincing/tricking (don't remember which) me into wearing female clothing. Once I put it on I was female and got to live as a girl for a day or so. Early on I had many fantasies like that but over time they grew more and more sexual in nature but even the first one involved pleasing myself. Fast-forward several years, and I'm in college and learn about trans-gender people in all varieties through both the internet and the actual real life experience of meeting a full time cross-dresser with an awesome fashion sense. But at this point my fantasies had become so highly sexualized that all I really did in response was pursue more knowledge in that manner, joining communities and following blogs that depict it in that regard. But now that I'm all done with classes, having my mind occupied with thoughts centered on applying myself academically, and am about to take charge of my own life I have begun reflecting on these fantasies, questioning them, their causes, why probably 80-90% of my fantasies are of being female.

I have never really pondered or called into question my identity, so far I have just thought, I'm a guy that finds the idea of becoming/being a woman sexy but my new and encroaching freedom along with talks I've had with a transgenderist friend has got me thinking about how my fantasies reflect my personality and what they say about my existence in general. I've been contemplating some more general questions, like "Who do I want to be in ten years? What do I want peoples' impression of me to be when I visit them, etc." But at the same time I've been wondering about these fantasies. Is the fact that they sometimes involve partners, of both genders significant? Does that mean that it is my mind's way of expressing bisexuality? If I really have no discomfort in being male, though I would not really call myself very masculine, should I even be thinking of hrt or should I even be questioning this at all?

But questioning it I am and here's what I've done so far. I've used some hypnosis to aid me in becoming in touch with the feminine aspects of my mind. I've also begun some really light cross-dressing and was made aware that the sheer act of wearing woman's clothing does not throw me into an instant arousal by my transgenderist friend's questioning. She took it as a sign that I may not be at my core a cross-dresser but closer to her as a transgenderist. I have no idea how valid of an conclusion that would be since I know that not all cross-dressers dress for arousal but I do place stock in what she says. How I plan to proceed is to acquire more clothing, dress when I have the time since soon privacy won't be much of an issue, and see how I feel as a result. I don't plan to see a gender therapist until I have done more dressing and have at least seen myself fully dressed as a woman. I'll probably wait longer than that as well since I do pretty much adhere to the saying, "Measure twice, cut once." Basically I'd want to be pretty sure seeking a therapist is needed in order to achieve the self I want and that I'll have the funds I need to do it before I start seeking something more than dressing.

I feel that this site/community will be very useful in the vital step of learning and that it is a safe and serious place where I'll get good advice from caring others. I've only really begun examining myself like this in mid-September but I think it is important that I continue digging and reflecting. I will be grateful for any input/advice and will do what I can to provide the same for others. Sorry for the lengthiness of my post but I kind of just wanted to put as much about myself out there as I could coherently convey.

-Orva

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's Orva. I am glad you found the site and searching for answers to your questions.

When you get a chance take a look at the terms and conditions located at the top of the page. We are a moderated site and keep it pg-13.

If you have any questions for us just ask and we will try to answer them the best we can. I know you don't want to see a GT yet but they really are your best bet to figure out what you really want and need.

I hope to see you on the site more so post away.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Welcome to Lauras first!

OK...you don't seem to be in any rush mode or depression and you seem to be taking things in a pretty reasonable manner. Are you locked into your first real job or are you looking? Something that I think a lot of young people overlook is the importance of health insurance early on in life and since in this country that is mostly employee provided, if you don't already have a job, that could be something you look for in your job search. I know when I was in my early 20's I thought I was going to live for ever too. But I know some people who got pretty sick at that age. I was lucky and I didn't.

But with insurance usually comes some kind of mental health coverage, so it's a win-win. It won't have to break the bank to get some answers that people here could never give you. We can throw out some ideas but sitting down face to face with a therapist trained in this can lead to a back and forth exchange with them reading your body language and asking you questions and making statements that have your head spinning and totally reevaluating your whole life and rethinking events in it.

It's just something to think about. And believe me, I'm very much in the talking to a therapist=mindblowingly scary camp esp because I didn't like see them consistantly for 20 years. I'd see one take a few years off and withdraw. See another, withdraw for a decade, see another. Yet I've talked to a bunch and they've saved my life.

Kim

[Cyndee]

I have begun reflecting on these fantasies, questioning them, their causes, why probably 80-90% of my fantasies are of being female.

Welcome Orva to Laura's playground, lot's of nice folks, a ton of wisdom found here.

This is a fine place to explore your female fantasies, and perhaps find that there is a deeper meaning to these thoughts.

I wish you peace and happiness on your journey.

Cindy -

[Guest Opal]

Hi Orva,

Welcome to Laura's! Nice to have you join in. There is a lot of useful information on site which can aid in helping to answer some of your questions. There are also many wonderful people here, some you have already met, that you can engage in polite conversation with.

We are not really here to 'classify' you. That would be one of the things a Gender Therapist would help guide you to find. We do try to help each other through the days when life is overwhelming.

Hope you will continue to post as you are comfortable in doing so. With five posts, you can make use of the Personal Messenger (PM) feature on this site.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Hello, Orva!

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean....

Come on in and have a seat and I'll fix you up with some of Sally's cookies and a hot cup of coco...then you can just relax a bit....ok?

Now....

As said, you seem to not be in a bad place or very rushed...but, one thing kinda struck me...you mentioned that you want to do some more "exploring" before seeing a gender therapist....well, I'd recommend seeing the therapist as soon as you can to help you work through what you're feeling...but, that's just me...

You just need to be comfortable with yourself...unlike me (who is transitioning fully) there may just be a comfort level that you'd like to stop at and be perfectly happy....

Good luck to you, Honey!

Huggs

Donnaq Jean

[Guest Orva26]

Sweet, coco and cookies! That's a winning combination!

Thanks for all the nice responses everyone!

To address some of the questions regarding my job, yes I am locked in (well just need to clear background check) and yes, I will have insurance options. I looked at the offered packages a while back but my mind doesn't retain that kind of information well so I'll have to look over them again and hear my dad's/some other family members' opinions on which would be best. I don't remember off the top of my head if mental health is covered in them but I think it would be since the company is a fortune 500 one. I'm pretty psyched about it too, I think it'll be very challenging, rewarding, and force me to continue to develop myself intellectually.

It seems for the most part that everyone is recommending me to seek a therapist. I'm also thinking that could be a good idea but I feel that the absolute most important thing for me to do is become well established at work. That's really why I'm waiting on it, don't know just how long I'll put it off though especially since I'll pretty much be between 20 minutes to and hour away from ALL the Gender Therapist this site recommends for the state I'll be moving to. While establishing myself at work I'll dress more and see how that makes me feel before seeking a therapist. I really want to do it like this so that if it turns out that I want to purse hrt or other options that will require employee knowledge of my new identity the risk of job loss will be as low as possible. But its also entirely possible that spending time here before my start date will accelerate how quickly I seek therapy.

Wow, I wasn't kidding about that "Measure twice, cut once" thing, though its more like, "Measure until someone yells at me, than cut."

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Orva,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Sascha]

Hi Orva!

Okay, so here's the deal, throughout my life I've never experienced anxiety about my body. Okay, that's a lie my acne sort of did get to me a whole bunch. But I've never had the gut wrenching feelings associated with my mind and my body being inconstant.

same here, but later on I remembered that I had. I just blocked it in my mind all these years.

What I have had is sexual fantasies involving transformation. These started out at the onset of puberty and did not always involve me becoming a woman but it was not too long before that is where my mind would gravitate. The first one I recall was nothing overly or offensively sexual, it involved a female friend convincing/tricking (don't remember which) me into wearing female clothing. Once I put it on I was female and got to live as a girl for a day or so. Early on I had many fantasies like that but over time they grew more and more sexual in nature but even the first one involved pleasing myself.

Such events can trigger feelings -or remembering as I call- indeed, but there are many variations of cross dressing from fetish to feeling complete female without getting any relief from dressing. Some did, others never did. So dressing alone is a rough abut can be a precise indicator of anything on the gender scale, which a therapist can help you to figure it out.

Fast-forward several years, and I'm in college and learn about trans-gender people in all varieties through both the internet and the actual real life experience of meeting a full time cross-dresser with an awesome fashion sense. But at this point my fantasies had become so highly sexualized that all I really did in response was pursue more knowledge in that manner, joining communities and following blogs that depict it in that regard. But now that I'm all done with classes, having my mind occupied with thoughts centered on applying myself academically, and am about to take charge of my own life I have begun reflecting on these fantasies, questioning them, their causes, why probably 80-90% of my fantasies are of being female.

I have never really pondered or called into question my identity, so far I have just thought, I'm a guy that finds the idea of becoming/being a woman sexy but my new and encroaching freedom along with talks I've had with a transgenderist friend has got me thinking about how my fantasies reflect my personality and what they say about my existence in general. I've been contemplating some more general questions, like "Who do I want to be in ten years? What do I want peoples' impression of me to be when I visit them, etc." But at the same time I've been wondering about these fantasies. Is the fact that they sometimes involve partners, of both genders significant? Does that mean that it is my mind's way of expressing bisexuality? If I really have no discomfort in being male, though I would not really call myself very masculine, should I even be thinking of hrt or should I even be questioning this at all?

Sexuality has usually nothing to do with it, because it's a gender issue.

Harry Benjamin labeled it as follows:

Transvestite: has a social issue.

Transsexual: has a gender issue.

Homosexual: has a sex issue.

You raise interesting question, some of which I dealt with before myself. It took me two years of intensive introspection to figure out what the deal was. I shifted from androgyne, transgender to eventually transsexual. So nothing is set in stone, until you do some soul searching. Your mind can be a complex machinery, and sometimes your body gives the mind hints. the above might be hints of being a transgenderist, but only you can tell for sure.

But questioning it I am and here's what I've done so far. I've used some hypnosis to aid me in becoming in touch with the feminine aspects of my mind. I've also begun some really light cross-dressing and was made aware that the sheer act of wearing woman's clothing does not throw me into an instant arousal by my transgenderist friend's questioning. She took it as a sign that I may not be at my core a cross-dresser but closer to her as a transgenderist. I have no idea how valid of an conclusion that would be since I know that not all cross-dressers dress for arousal but I do place stock in what she says. How I plan to proceed is to acquire more clothing, dress when I have the time since soon privacy won't be much of an issue, and see how I feel as a result. I don't plan to see a gender therapist until I have done more dressing and have at least seen myself fully dressed as a woman. I'll probably wait longer than that as well since I do pretty much adhere to the saying, "Measure twice, cut once." Basically I'd want to be pretty sure seeking a therapist is needed in order to achieve the self I want and that I'll have the funds I need to do it before I start seeking something more than dressing.

Dressing can trigger arousal, but it doesn't clearly mean you are transvestite. Autoeroticism can play part. For me, dressing doesn't give the relief anymore. It first did, but later on hormones it disappeared, and now clothes are just clothes.

I feel that this site/community will be very useful in the vital step of learning and that it is a safe and serious place where I'll get good advice from caring others. I've only really begun examining myself like this in mid-September but I think it is important that I continue digging and reflecting. I will be grateful for any input/advice and will do what I can to provide the same for others. Sorry for the lengthiness of my post but I kind of just wanted to put as much about myself out there as I could coherently convey.

Take your time Orva! you will find out some day, as many of us did.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Orva. I see that you've met many of my wonderful sisters already. That's great.

I think you're taking a reasonable approach to things. The good thing is that you're not in a huge rush or in any kind of emotional

difficulty, so you have the luxury of time. Nothing wrong with that.

I will mention something about my own experience, which doesn't prove anything one way or another, but which might give food for

thought. I was a cross dresser up until very recently. I vacillated for years between thinking I was a CDer or trans. Once I

stopped repressing my feelings and started dressing again after many years, I found that being en femme was no longer a turn on

at all. It just felt natural, and comfortable and put me totally at ease. It felt like it was the way I ought to dress. Period.

Ultimately I discovered that I am trans. That certainly doesn't mean its the same for you, but I thought you might find it interesting.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for the wonderful response Sascha. I am confused about one thing though:

So dressing alone is a rough abut can be a precise indicator of anything on the gender scale, which a therapist can help you to figure it out.

I think you're suggesting that dressing may be inadequate to figure out what I want but I'm not sure. The phasing, "is a rough abut" is what has got me confused. If that is the meaning you were going for, I do agree but I still think it necessary to at least do a bit more extensive dressing.

Another thing you've mentioned is that it usually has nothing to with sex but with gender instead. That is most definitely something that has been on my mind and is actually the root cause of a decent amount of confusion. If I didn't have the sexual connection and fit a more common mold the questions I've been asking, while still difficult, would probably have a more clearer answer in my mind. An interesting thing is that the sexual aspect of it has been declining, where before I would be spending a decent amount of leisure time browsing sites/communities that depict transgenderism in that light I'm finding myself spending more and more time actually educating myself both on this site and others. I'd say my need for fantasizing has been on the decline lately and instead of looking forward to that I'm enjoying learning and introspection. Your comment actually helped guide my thoughts during a pretty solid hour of thinking on why I have this sexual connection and I think I've came up with some good points.

Firstly, the knowledge that mental aspect of gender and the biological aspect of sex are separate things is not something that everyone has contemplated. As a result it is for many people still incomprehensible that someone could have these two aspects be at odds and more often than not that drives them to be scared and displeased with those who do. I myself did not really put serious thought to that fact until the end of high school and during college. The other point is that it is common for people with gender, well actually, with any issues to have coping mechanisms, for some they are positive and serve to help constructively in the long run, like dressing or growing out hair but there is also the group that unfortunately turns to negative ones. These two thoughts have got me questioning if the sexual aspect I've described is just that, a coping mechanism. It seems reasonable and logical to me that a person who has an issue and is not fully aware that gender and sex can be disconnected may end up doing things as I have. Add with that the fact that I haven't really had access to the common positive coping mechanism of dressing (I don't have any female siblings and it would just be weird to try my mom's stuff. Ineffective too since she's more of a shapely lady) even though one of the first fantasies I recall involves clothing turning me into a girl. I certainly think it is convincing but at the same time the more I think about it the more I'm slowly beginning to realize that this question is one that I'll probably never ever be able to figure out alone.

And now I'm going to nerd out for a bit! I'm usually not into linguistics but I do enjoy to find out the meaning of names I haven't seen before, Sascha yours is one of them. From what I found, and I don't know the reliability of it, the meaning of it is origin which is all kinds of cool since using that name pretty much says that your origin is a female one.

Also, Carolyn Marie, I do find what you mentioned to be interesting. I've had things a bit different though, the thing that most surprised me when I started dressing was how it wasn't a huge turn on. I definitely thought it was going to be and when the pleasure I got from it was not sexual that was one of the big indicators to me that I need to spend some time actually thinking about this. Wearing the cloths just feels, well nice and I don't see that as a problem at all. I've even begun making it a point of walking through the woman's section of department stores so I can enjoy the new found fact that I have an entire new way to appreciate the cloths and also as a kind of educational device since well I don't really have a good idea of what look I should be going for.

I'm really liking it here, everyone is so nice, helpful and welcoming. Also, sorry for writing another book of a post.

[Guest Sascha]

Hi Orva,

This chart might give some more clues (as it did for many others including myself). It shows the gender spectrum originally drawn out by Harry Benjamin. It does not enlist transgenderists, because that came later into being. But it clearly distinguishes and labels groups according to all his research. I find myself as a True Transsexual with moderate intensity (TYPE V) and bordering to TYPE VI. (the maximum on the scale: high intensity).

While this is usually the job of a therapist, it might be helpful for some to understand that there are phases in between, even in the term transsexual there are different modes of intensity. Personally, I wish I could get my hands on this chart ages ago, it would have helped a TON. So in the same breath I am willing to share it. Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, I can only ease the search a bit with my own knowledge. Care is still advised when one is trying to diagnose him or herself, the best way -as explained by many- is to visit a qualified therapist. While this is usually the job of a therapist, it might be helpful for some to understand that there are phases in between, even in the term transsexual there are different modes of intensity.

This is an official chart:

I drawn in the color pink where I am at right now.

X

Sasha.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for the chart Sascha. I've got to say that I was a little intimidated by it at first. It reminds me of a rubric (those always bugged me) and the fact that it doesn't really include transgenderist when that is the end point I'm debating concerned me but I decided it would be a good exercise to try and place myself like you did and were so kind to share. I took it quite seriously, actually walking out into the woods away from any kind of technology so I could really try to honestly do it. There's multiple selections in some areas because they are both applicable in my mind. Right now the result shows me as more of a cross-dresser, but I'm rather curious to see what my selections will be after I have been living on my own for a while. Any thoughts on this would be welcome.

[Guest Sascha]

I think you've done a great job actually. It shows you are serious enough to find out the amount of dysphoria, which is a good sign. If I project myself two years ago, I would fit somewhere else. I started out as thinking I was a transgenderist, but later on discovered that I was not. So the progression from transvestite towards transsexualism can occur. It doesn't mean you should of course, it about what comforts you. Does it give you enough relief? does it lower your dysphoria? that are questions that could determine (medically) where you "fit" (have to be careful, hence the brackets) I think a transgenderist would be quite similar to group 2, at least I think that. If anyone who is a transgenderist could correct me, that'l be nice.

Looking at my own chart (which I drew in 6 months ago) I already shifted forward on a couple of blocks, so nothing is set in stone.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Sascha!

I did find this self evaluation to be rather useful. It has me thinking that my initial plan of trying more dressing before seeking some therapy is a good one. I think I definitely will seek therapy, especially since I'm going to be moving to a location where a therapist will be 10 minutes away.

Through the time I spent here I have been elated to hear from users/read in articles that as you put it, "...the progression from transvestite towards transsexualism can occur." And it is cool to be able to interact with you, for which it did happen.

There is still one thing that is weighing heavy on my mind. The question of "Does it lower your dysphoria?" My mind's immediate response is, what dysphoria? As I've said I really don't have discontent with being male. I should and do count myself lucky for that but it is a mixed blessing since it clouds my path. I have several typical "male" hobbies I enjoy, going out to bars, drinking beer, video games (though my choice in them is usually RPG type), hiking, and heavy metal. These are all things that I don't see myself as being able to give up even if I commit to things like living full time. But at the same time I was never overly masculine in mannerism. Generally avoided conflict, had mostly female friends early in life, even when I used to play hockey I was at a defensive position and I led my team in assist, not goals. I can't really recall any times when I was exited or psyched about being male but fantasies of being a woman are what I really enjoyed. It is entirely possible that, like you I have just blocked feelings on incongruency as well. This is something that I'm hoping a GT can clear up with me.

Now as far as relief, I don't really know. Putting on clothes makes me feel, well good but it also makes me want to do more. Try more than just the panties and pair of shorts I have. I'm going need to get a shirt/blouse or something and I definitely want to get a pair of leggings since I can recall from early on wondering what they felt like. I also want to dabble with nail polish and to a lesser extent make-up. Hmmm... looks to me like my immediate desires set me up as a cross-dresser. I do have interest in hormones and getting nice feminine curves but it appears to be just that, an interest and not a profound need. Yup, original plan it will be, at least for now.

[Guest Sascha]

The question of "Does it lower your dysphoria?" My mind's immediate response is, what dysphoria?

This was in the sense of dressing. Some TV's feel more comfortable and thus lowering their gender dysphoria, especially socially (if they are allowed to be themselves) but it all depends of course.

Drinking beer, video games, heavy metal. These are all things that I don't see myself as being able to give up even if I commit to things like living full time

Me too! usually personality does not change in transition, as a lot of people assume. Sure, one can broaden your personality, but most trans I know still do the same thing they always did.

X

Sasha

[Guest Orva26]

usually personality does not change in transition, as a lot of people assume. Sure, one can broaden your personality, but most trans I know still do the same thing they always did.

Good to know. But I won't be joining in. So today I brought the topic of the fantasies up with my dad in a completely contrived and awkward way. At first he thought I was telling him I was gay. To make a long story short he basically thinks I'm miss placing anxiety about moving out on my own which makes a lot of sense. He thinks I've got too much free time on my hands and I'm over analyzing stuff, which I tend to do. I also talked with my ex-girlfriend (but not about any of this stuff) and in my head I was freaking out about what would happen to her if I acted on these fantasies. Truth is they really were not present when I was with her at all and being with her felt good and right. I really do have respect for trans-folk but over the last two days its become apparent to me that I myself am not one. Well it seems my big realization of the past few months of introspection is that I really just do have a form of autogynophilia and that I really don't need to be a girl, but be with one. I appreciate the kindness and welcoming this community has given me and I do have great respect for transgendered individuals so I am sorry for using up your time.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, the last thing you need to worry about is using up anyone's time. You absolutely did not.

What we do here is provide a safe place for people to explore themselves and their feelings. That doesn't always result in someone

boarding the transition express train, and that's fine. If you've gained insights you didn't have, if you made friends you didn't

know, and if you have a greater respect and appreciation for the TG Community, then its been worthwhile.

BTW, you're welcome to stay, or to return, any time. The welcome mat is still out.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JaniceW]

You have not used up our time. I celebrate the fact that you have come to know yourself. That is we want for you or anyone else and it is why we are here, to find ourselves and to help others to find themselves.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks everyone! I'm still a bit concerned about my dad. He takes pretty much any news way to well and I've dropped some bombs on him in the past but not like this. I'm sure everything will be fine but its just weird knowing that my dad knows about my fantasies. Well, the metaphorical cat is out of the bag now.

Its good to know that I'm still welcome here and I'll probably pop on every now and then but for the time being I'm going to lay low and kind of let my brain digest what happened.

[Guest Sascha]

Good luck Orva26!

Just take your time, this just can't be solved with the flip of a switch. It might come back, or maybe not. Don't be afraid if it will, it's a process. But remember not to let your own ideas and feelings be tainted or discouraged by anyone else, this includes parents. The only one who can be sure is you. And your feelings will show you the way, eventually.

X

Sasha

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks,

In retrospect it was probably way too early to bring other people into this. Now he'll always know this about me and it cannot be undone. I don't expect the knowledge to affect how he treats me but I've sensed an uneasiness around him in the past two days. Well, I'll be out of here soon enough and then I'll be on my own and able to try whatever I want.

What telling him did do for me is make me realize that this is not something that I should try to quantify right now, that does not mean that I'll stop exploring but I'm not going to let it get to me and be bound by a certain end I have in mind. When I move out I'll still try some cross-dressing and see what it does for me. Right now I'd say I'm a cross-dressing curious, slightly bi-curious , autogynophile. I'm cool with that and I'll have to see what happens over time. I think he was right about me being under high duress do to a big change in my life, being frustrated over being single, and getting exposed to a lot of new things at college. I want to let my mind clear and adjust to the change before I think I'll be able to really spend time more coherently and appropriately thinking about this. Where we do differ is that he basically thinks this is something that I should forget about, something artificial but I know the consistency of my fantasies. They were pretty much non-existent when I was dating and that might be indicative of him being right but this is something that I want to continue exploring.

But first I'll need to establish myself for two reasons:

1 - As he actually pointed out, acting on these thoughts may put me in a situation where I'd loose my ability to be independent, a major goal of mine. My ultimate nightmare would be having to move back in.

2 - Although I might have reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy jumped the gun by telling someone in person this early another plus side to it is that I know the idea is definitely less than appealing. I'm not sure but I might have to go it alone if I decide to act. T_T And that means I definitely can't afford to loose my ability to be on my own.

I guess I was letting myself get carried away with grand thoughts of a mansion before I even fixed the first nail. I'm only 23 so I have time if it takes me 10 or even 20 years to figure this out that's okay, and its okay wherever I end up: staying as I am now, becoming more of a transgenderist, actually transitioning, or ending up with someone and getting the realization that I don't need to go anywhere. I'm going to take it slow and right now for me that means doing some more cross-dressing when I get my new place. If that evolves into a need for a therapist and realization I need to do more so be it but if it doesn't there's no harm either. I've got to enjoy both the journey and the end.

[Guest Sascha]

Good points Orva, as I say to myself: time is my enemy but also my healer. Rushing never did any good.

By the way, I own my own company so I am pretty much completely independent. Just goes to show that we are just "normal" people who can achieve anything we want.

If you need some inspiration on Transsexual Women's Successes, see Lynn Conway's website, it has some nice picture on it too:

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html

X

Sasha

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks a bunch for that link! Down the road this page will probably be very helpful. I really like how it gives links to some of their blogs. I might actually contact some of them in my, or related, fields to get an idea of issues specific to transgendered scientist. It does seem that I really can't turn this off, my mind is fixated on the thought of being a girl. I'm still going to take my time and feel it out more though. I'm sticking to the outline of explore some more while becoming awesome at work, then possibly therapy, then MYSTERY TIME! Well I can't really tell the future... yet.

I think a large part of my hesitation is fear out of what people will think if I do wish to transition but I've done some thinking today and that's the problem; as a person I tend to usually put the concerns of others before my own. Can't really do that with stuff like this.

Also, I'm in really high spirits! Now the only thing between me and a job is a drug test, which will be a piece of cake!