One Of These Days, I'll Figure All This Out...

[Guest ep13]

I have a really bad habit of ignoring things that are going badly. I do it with classes when I get a bad grade, and I've been doing it with my gender issues. It has stopped working with classes. It's not working very well with gender issues any more either.

Ah, but I started at the end of my story. Back to the beginning! Born in '91, I went to a private sort-of-all-male-but-not-really-it's-kind-of-complicated school from pre-k through high school. I was (still am) preposterously shy. Since as far back as I can remember, I've always had fantasies about being a girl. I remember remembering a time when I didn't, but I don't actually remember it. Follow? Anyway, sometime in middle school (not actually sure when. Probably like 8th grade.) I managed to get a computer with Internet access in my room. (There's a story there, but it's a touch long and not really relevant.) I started learning about transsexuality. (I actually found this site, I think. I have no idea what my login was anymore, though) The more I learned, and the more I thought about it, the more it started to become a problem. So, I ignored it. I shoved the feelings down, and pretended they weren't there. Sure, they came up from time to time. Actually, on a pretty regular schedule. By my senior year in high school, I'd gotten pretty good at the whole suppression thing. I know I had fantasies, and at times wished I had been born a girl, but I managed to keep it in the bedroom, as it were. And it went pretty well last year, too.

The facade is starting to crack a bit. Not just figuratively. I've been growing my hair out since I graduated high school (it's down to my shoulders now), and I've actually been called "miss" a couple times. Granted, they usually "correct" themselves pretty quickly when I turn around, or when they get close enough to actually see me.

I really don't know what I am anymore. I keep debating it in my mind, and I never reach the same conclusion more than once. And while a lot of the time I see myself as a woman, I often simultaneously don't see myself as "such" a woman that I'd need to do anything about it. And then other days I will. I just wish this could be simple.

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Hello, ep13 (need a better name to call you....)

Welcome to the Playground!

I'm Donna Jean

Come on in and grab a seat while I heat the coco and put some cookies on a plate for you...

Then you can just relax a bit....ok?

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the top of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

Well, I have to say...you'll read a lot here and probably find that your story is shared by many others...

Not to worry...we'll all talk and maybe help you work through it some....

It's nice to have you!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest JaniceW]

Hi ep13,

Welcome to Laura's. Your story is not all that unique. You will meet a bunch of folks here with very similar stories. We all went through the trying to figure this stuff out phase. It is part of the experience. Some of us spent a lifetime surpressing the truth and others, like yourself, had the truth come up earlier in their lives.

One suggestion I would make to you is to try to get hooked up with a gender therapist. They are trained to help us to work through these thoughts and desires and figure out what they are and where we stand on the spectrum of gender identity.

Also keep posting your questions here. You will find a lot of very caring people here who are more than happy to share their experiences with you. Don't be shy about what you have to discuss (keeping in mind that we are PG-13 so our younger members can feel comfortable) as there is no one here that will judge you or your thoughts.

I am looking forward to reading your posts and getting to know you better.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi ep13,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[MaryEllen]

Hello ep13,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[Guest Orva26]

Hello, I'm a new user here as well. I'm confident that our time here will be helpful in figuring some stuff out.

And while a lot of the time I see myself as a woman, I often simultaneously don't see myself as "such" a woman that I'd need to do anything about it. And then other days I will. I just wish this could be simple.

I find this part of your opening post interesting because it is similar to where I am right now. For years I've fantasized about being a woman but I've only really been examining why since mid-September of this year. I haven't seen a therapist and have been electing to seek an answer through self reflection. But that has its limits, sometimes you need outside input to break your thinking out of circular logic your own mind has made. From what I can tell it seems you might have reached the limit of independent evaluation so therapy might be a good option.

Regardless of the manner you decided to seek answers, I wish you luck along the way.

-Orva

[JJ]

Welcome to Laura's.

You'll find this a great place to explore you feelings in an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance

Looks like others have already given you some great advise and made you welcome .

So just make yourself comfortable and stay awhile. Post as much as you like. I look forward to hearing more from you

John

[Guest Cris]

Welcome,

It is a very confusing and some times arduous search to find ones self. There are alot of good people on this site that can help you along the way. My recomendation to you is find a therapist that specializes in Gender issues. Compliment your therapy with the help and friendships you will gain here and you will find some lifelong friends that care and share in your story. There are many people here in all different stages that can offer guidance or a gracious word of encouragement. I wish you much success along your journey

Cris

[Cyndee]

Hi EP13,

Just want to extend a warm welcome to Laura's place, from an old hippie chick.

I think you will really enjoy this web site, the forums, and the chat.

Peace on your journey !

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest Opal]

Hi EP13,

Welcome to Laura's! Nice to have you join in. I see you have already met a few of the many wonderful people here. Hope you will continue to post as you are comfortable in doing so. With five posts you can make use of the Personal Messenger (PM) feature found the this site.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's. If you have any questions for us just ask and we will try to help. I look forward to seeing more from you.