What Caused You To Finally Begin Your Transition?

[Guest Sandra]

I find it enviable and remarkable to see mtf transsexuals earnestly begin their long journey to womanhood, despite all the hardships they face along the way. Feel free to share your stories with its ups and downs, I enjoy reading details so don't be afraid that your post might be too long. I'm still in the 'dipping my toes in the water' phase, terrified of jumping in and facing the roller-coaster of emotions that come with transitioning. Yet I'm also intensely seduced by the need and desire to become my true female self. While I've enjoyed cross-dressing, the idea of going out in public is too much to handle right now but I guess after a year or two of HRT I won't be so hesitant I think, when my new body takes form.

A side note, I'm bisexual and have a strong attraction for both men and women. I find conflicting feelings with desiring women and also wanting to be one. That might pose a minor problem with eventually getting SRS-though I'm leaning in favor of doing it. But getting back to my original question, when did you decide you wanted to do more than play with women's clothes/make up and really work on a daily basis to become one? How did you cope with the changes and how were you treated? Did you tell your family/friends or go into 'stealth mode'?

[Guest CharliTo]

Yeah...for some people, it takes a really hard hit to finally get out of that shell...

...for me, it was the fact that my mother having a stage 3c cancer...

I just realized that I shouldn't live life the way I did...like, every year, the "lies" starts getting heavier and heavier...

Life really is too short to not live it...and it took my mother's brink with death to finally realize it.

Also, my mother means quite a world to me since she's been my only parent, my great friend when I was small when I had no friend...and just an important person in my life. I would not forgive myself forever if she passed away and I never told her the one thing that's been eating away all my life.

She's still not out of danger yet, but I'm glad she was able to see me graduate, have her enjoy my films, and be a part of my transition.

[Guest Sandra]

Thanks for sharing CharliTo and I'm sorry to hear about your mother's cancer, I truly hope she fully recovers. Its great to hear you've been able to come out to her especially since you're so close. I totally agree on your point about life being short and you shouldn't let anything stop you from doing what you truly desire. Which is why I think those who pursue their dreams (like transitioning) are truly heroic and courageous because it isn't easy to do in our repressive culture.

I'd actually start my transition now because me desire to change overweighs my fears, but the major thing holding me back is my career which needs to get sorted out. Once I have some stability then I'll begin my transformation. I also intend to cut off my relations, my friends would not be able to accept me as a woman-it'd be just too awkward and I'm not as close to my family as I used to be so I'll be on my own. I'll make new friends/lovers who'd be accepting of my conversion.

[Guest dolly]

well, to be honest, ive known about me not being physically right since i was a kitten but the reason i finally decided to do something about it was because i just got tired of not being able to be myself im a very ostentacious kind of gal and it is hard to translate that in the body i have. not ot mention the fact of all the conutless trainwreck relationships ive been through cus i wasnt able to express myself the way i want to.

[Guest Leah1026]

I find it enviable and remarkable to see mtf transsexuals earnestly begin their long journey to womanhood, despite all the hardships they face along the way. Feel free to share your stories with its ups and downs, I enjoy reading details so don't be afraid that your post might be too long. I'm still in the 'dipping my toes in the water' phase, terrified of jumping in and facing the roller-coaster of emotions that come with transitioning. Yet I'm also intensely seduced by the need and desire to become my true female self. While I've enjoyed cross-dressing, the idea of going out in public is too much to handle right now but I guess after a year or two of HRT I won't be so hesitant I think, when my new body takes form.

A side note, I'm bisexual and have a strong attraction for both men and women. I find conflicting feelings with desiring women and also wanting to be one. That might pose a minor problem with eventually getting SRS-though I'm leaning in favor of doing it. But getting back to my original question, when did you decide you wanted to do more than play with women's clothes/make up and really work on a daily basis to become one? How did you cope with the changes and how were you treated? Did you tell your family/friends or go into 'stealth mode'?

I simply got to a point where I couldn't continue being something I wasn't. I tried doing it their way for 40 years, ignoring my own thoughts and feelings, and all I got for it was misery.

Orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity, they are two totally separate things. Orienatation should also have NO bearing on somebody being approved for surgery. If you are dealing with a program or therapist that says differently they are WRONG.

Don't be so quick to make assumptions. I never "crossdressed" in my life, unless you consider the 40 years I tried things their way crossdressing. Everyones path is unique and you must respect that. We all have unique circumstances, history, personality, needs and more. Also I didn't "become" a woman I have always been female. As Jamison Greene said:

I could achieve my personal goal of adulthood. This means that I have chosen to change my appearance..... it does not mean that my gender is socially--or even medically--constructed. My gender has not changed; I have simply made it's message clear.

[Guest Sandra]

well, to be honest, ive known about me not being physically right since i was a kitten but the reason i finally decided to do something about it was because i just got tired of not being able to be myself im a very ostentacious kind of gal and it is hard to translate that in the body i have. not ot mention the fact of all the conutless trainwreck relationships ive been through cus i wasnt able to express myself the way i want to.

It definitely takes some self-examination to come to that realization, some people never do and remain unhappy for their entire lives. I'm happy that I can finally acknowledge my real self and now I just have to become it.

1. I simply got to a point where I couldn't continue being something I wasn't. I tried doing it their way for 40 years, ignoring my own thoughts and feelings, and all I got for it was misery.

2. Orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity, they are two totally separate things. Orienatation should also have NO bearing on somebody being approved for surgery. If you are dealing with a program or therapist that says differently they are WRONG.

3. Don't be so quick to make assumptions. I never "crossdressed" in my life, unless you consider the 40 years I tried things their way crossdressing. Everyones path is unique and you must respect that. We all have unique circumstances, history, personality, needs and more. Also I didn't "become" a woman I have always been female. As Jamison Greene said:

1. That's exactly the conclusion I came to last year about my life and finally began living it for me, instead of living up to the expectation of others.

2. I know and agree that gender and sexual orientation are separate and can be varied. I actually meant it was an internal struggle of getting SRS since I'm bisexual and having a penis can please my female partners but then I also want to get rid of it since I'm also a woman, hence my dilemma...but I'm pretty certain I can get the surgery when I'm ready to do it.

3. Good quote and I realize we all have very different life histories and I'm not suggesting other people's paths were the same as mine. By 'becoming a woman' I meant externally. I appreciate your feedback.

[Guest April]

I simply got to a point where I couldn't continue being something I wasn't. I tried doing it their way for 40 years, ignoring my own thoughts and feelings, and all I got for it was misery.

Mine is just like you said , but it took me 35 years , losing my mother ( which for me was very tragic event ), and my youngest daughter getting Leukemia. That is what it took for me to realize that life was not worth living unless you are happy and can just be yourself.

It all started around 5 or 6 and i kept it suppressed till April of this year ( notice i took this as my name for when i finally came out and also for what the month of April represents ), i fought with bad bouts of depression till march of this year and then the worst depression i have every had hit me , it lasted for 5 weeks. Near the end of the 5th week i found myself going to the closet and reaching for the pistol on the top shelf , that is where i caught myself and said no it is not worth it. With in the next few days i told my wife ( kinda involuntarily as i did not realize i said it till i had already started saying it ). She is very accepting of the way i am , we have told her brother and his wife and they are very accepting of it , in fact in a few weeks i will be off for a week and me ,my wife ,sister-in-law,and our oldest daughter(12) is supposed to go get our nails done together.

In all this i have found that i can find happiness and true sense of worth in this world, but i also know that none of this happiness comes from me being male, it only comes when i can open up and let the lady out that i had locked in a prison cell all these years. Sometime i fill that is not happening fast enough, but i know it will take time.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

2. I know and agree that gender and sexual orientation are separate and can be varied. I actually meant it was an internal struggle of getting SRS since I'm bisexual and having a penis can please my female partners but then I also want to get rid of it since I'm also a woman, hence my dilemma...but I'm pretty certain I can get the surgery when I'm ready to do it.

There is a class of women who are not pleased by penises: lesbians.

I came out (cannot start transition unless my parents concede) when distress from an incongruent body and a fake life outweighed fear.

Adrian

[Guest Sandra]

There is a class of women who are not pleased by penises: lesbians.

I came out (cannot start transition unless my parents concede) when distress from an incongruent body and a fake life outweighed fear.

Adrian

You got me there (on lesbians).

Its good that you were able to come out to your parents-I think its easier when you're younger.

[Guest Sheila]

hi sandra,

i'm sheila. nice to meet you. my story goes back to when i was five years old. that's when i wore my first dress. that's when i knew i wanted to be a woman. i've been stealth all my life. there are family members who know i'm a transsexual. they were first convinced i was doing this by choice. but after researching the subject they now know i was born with this condition. there are family members who completly reject me. i'm not close to them and it does not affect my decision to be a woman. i'm at the point where i don't care what anybody thinks. before my accident i kept my legs shaved, face free of hair, plucked my brows and dressed as a woman at home. i kept my secret well hidden. then came my motorcycle accident. i lost part of my leg and was hospitalized for monthes. when i came home i was so heartbroken and thought my dream to be a woman was never going to happen. for the last eight years i've pushed aside my feelings and tried to get along in life. it wasn't easy. when i came to my senses the feelings were so strong i couldn't fight it anymore. they were overwhelming. i thought hey, there's woman of all shapes and sizes out there. there's a lot of woman who are handicapped. i can still be a woman with one leg. i gave in to my urges that drive me. i realised that i'm hardwired this way. why am i fighting it? go with the flow and see what happens. let me tell you, that was such a relief, a load off my shoulders. i'm at the point where i'm looking for a therapist. i want to get on hormones. just let me add, if i wouldn't have found laura's playground and done my research i'd tried the herbal route. i'm so glad i just didn't jump in to something that could've harmed me. thank you laura !!! now that i know what i want, i need to go to a therapist and get on hormones. i'm poor. i'm on disibility. so this will not be easy. i've worked all of my life and am not use to handouts from the government. i don't like it. i feel so useless. i have assets though. so i'm gearing myself for my first big step. this is what i want. i don't have to think twice about my decision. if i could get grs i'd do it today. but i have to go thru all of these steps. so be it. that's where i'm at now. i'm attracted to women myself but, i've never cared for sex. i experience so many mixed feelings that i go out of my way to avoid sex. i don't like it. i havn't been with a woman since 1987. i have only been with 4 or 5 woman before that. i never married because i knew it wouldn't work. so i never pursued a relationship. i've pretty much been alone my whole adult life. very few friends, and no social life. this is by choice. but i won't dismiss a relationship with the right girl. i always thought i was alone, that there were very few people like me. i thought for sure there was something wrong with me. i even thought i was doing this by choice. even after i learned i was born with this condition it still took research to realise that this is not by choice. you see. i was uneducated. i didn't know. i had to read it myself. i would wake up everyday and say, i hate my life. i wish i was dead. i wasn't sure why i felt that way. i couldn't put my finger on it. that is until recently. now i have a better prespective on matters. i hate the body i was born in. i'm an older woman. i turned 50. so i've been carrying this burden for 45 years. and it's so heavy. i feel much better though now that i know what i need to do. well, that's the short version of my lifelong struggle.

sheila

[Guest Sandra]

hi sandra,

i'm sheila. nice to meet you. my story goes back to when i was five years old....

sheila

Hi Sheila, nice to meet you also. I'm sorry to hear of all the hardships you've had to experience in life. I think like me you probably felt liberated once you learned who you really are and were meant to be and its great that you were able to look forward and beyond your past.

Last year I hit rock bottom due to my life circumstances, gender was only one of the issues but there were other major setbacks I've experienced, in my career and personal life. There was a period of a couple of months where I very seriously considered suicide and came close to following through. But then I realized that I only get this one short life. Once I'm gone, all the things I've done, the unique way I see the world, the dreams and projects I'd like to fulfill, the impact I've made in the lives of those around me, will all be gone.

I thought of the things I love about life from the simplest to the greatest and felt that they were worth the future suffering I'd have to endure in order to create my own little paradise on earth. None of us chose our existence but we can choose what we're going to do with it. I went from hating myself, my life to accepting myself and loving life. From being a victim of my circumstances to proactively taking charge in order to attain happiness/stability in the future. While I'm nowhere close to where I'd like to be, the focused/driven, reasonably contented person I am today is very different from the beaten-down creature on his death-bed (figuratively speaking) I was a year ago.

Nietzsche is right-that which does not kill you only makes you stronger, I've experienced it firsthand.

[Guest jessi72]

hi,

I just thought I would reply....I know that for me, it was a life or death decision. I got to the point where life was to much....the hiding, the lieing, the feelings of unhappiness.I was done with it. I tried to off myself 6 times in a 1 month period and got really close to suceeding...I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital getting my fluids changed...antifreeze doesn't work on humans the way i have heard with dogs....I'm lucky my kidneys are still working. After that, I decided I had to do something. As soon as I realized what it was going to be, the weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am so much happier now. No, it was not easy to make this choice...I had wanted to for so long, but society and the fear of what people would think was always keeping me from doing it.

My family accepted me with hardly any resistance. I told my sister first, and then about a month later i told my mom. She hugged me and asked me if I would truly be happier. With my reply, she knew that I was making the only choice that I could. She then and there decided to stand behind me and let me live the way I felt I should be. My dad was another story...he has been ill, and I thought that it would be the straw that broke the camels back. My sister was there when I told him, just to make sure there was someone there to call the ambulance when she needed too. When I told him, he looked at me and all he asked was , was I in trouble with the law? Once I said no, he was like, ok then you can do it and i will be here for it. My kids took it well, and I am glad I didn't wait any longer to tell them....they are 8 and 5 and are fine with this...Guess my ex and I did do a decent job raising them so far. My ex, though, she wants me to fall off the face of the earth. I can understand her point of veiw and I just wish she would finaly come to grips with it and talk to me again. Oh well, I am doing fine the way it is now.

I hope you don't think that this is to long. but you have opened up some things tha are just kinda flowing out. I hope others will see that it is possible to have a good transition and not resent me for my goodluck streak.I don't want anyone to dislike me for my smooth transition.....I'm not sure why I have had one though...it's not like I was living the perfect life up till then. I was a druggy, using them to hide from my feelings. Trying to hide from all the thoughts that were running around in my head, trying to make sense of why I did feel that way, and trying to just be "normal". I am proud to say that that is all in the past now and have been clean since the realization that this is what I needed to do. All my self destructive thoughts have vanished and the true me is finaly out. I can stand up straighter and have a legitiment smile on my face instead of the fake one that I was using for so long. 32 years to be exact. I am now 35 and I don't think I would change anything about my life. It made me who I am today and for that I am greatful for it. Well, thats my story and I hope you enjoy it. Good luck with what you decide and I hope the true you gets to come out, no matter who that is.

Hugs

Jessi

[Guest Sandra]

hi,

I just thought I would reply....I know that for me, it was a life or death decision...

Clearly many people here have been through some very difficult times in their lives and have overcome the odds. Its great that your family was supportive (apart from your ex). Congrats on a great transition and thanks, hopefully our stories also get a happy ending like yours. *hugs*

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Its good that you were able to come out to your parents-I think its easier when you're younger.

It is kind of awkward, actually, because we live in the same house and the like.

Adrian