A Long, Uninteresting Post

[Guest MonikaC]

I'm going to warn you now, that this is going to be a long, uninteresting post. I just need to get these thoughts written down.

Sometimes I think the only reason I go to Starbucks in the morning is to sit and reflect. I probably won't even start my coffee until I leave for work.

I saw my therapist last night. I love her to death, but I always walk away feeling physically ill and have an emotional breakdown. It's not that anything goes wrong per say, but it is just incredibly taxing talking about my feelings. I know it is good for me though. Feelings are one area that I have extreme difficulty. At one point she asked me to list all the feelings I could think of. You know how many I came up with? 3. Anger, happiness, and sadness. I couldn't believe it. Am I really that disconnected from my feelings?

Since I started therapy, I've been able to feel a lot more, but I don't know what exactly those feelings are. Not to mention, I still don't know how to deal with, or properly express them. One thing we worked on is that feelings aren't bad or good, they just are. I can't tell you how much that has helped. I got feeling really depressed last night, and instead of getting angry with myself about it I tried just letting myself be depressed. I still feel a little down this morning, but that's okay. I know this won't last forever. I need to let myself actually feel this grief order to be able to move past it.

I think what is making me feel down is that my self image that I've held to for so long is in shreds. When I started therapy, all I wanted was someone to help me with my trans issues. I thought I was fairly well balanced otherwise. I never wanted to think of myself as someone who needed therapy. Now though, I realize how vital therapy is for my long term well being.

More and more I am realizing how much repressing and hiding being trans has really impacted my life and there actually is a lot that I'm going to need to work through. I now realize that I am not emotionally strong enough to make it through transitioning right now. That is not to say that I don't want to start. It's just that I have a lot more to work on my emotional health before I can even think about going full time. Transitioning is not in and of itself a cure for my issues, but rather one piece to a much larger puzzle.

I decided to have her keep my HRT letter until my next session. I recognized that I am in the same place emotionally that I've been in every time I've turned and ran from being trans. I needed a reason to go back in and see her in two weeks. I might still end up reverting to how I was before and that thought is bringing me to tears right now. But if I move forward without proving to myself that I have the personal strength to wait 2 more weeks, then I will be left questioning whether I am doing this as a true step forward or just as a way to just feel better without actually dealing with my issues.

Anyway, I could go on for a lot longer but I've rambled on for long enough. I will quit boring you all with my thoughts for now.

Monika

[Guest sarah f]

Monika what you did by leaving your letter there just shows you are thinking about this the right way. It is important that we are ready to start. If you need a couple more weeks then take them. Take all the time you need to be happy with your decision.

Good for you for waiting.

[Guest Lily B]

I'm really sorry you're feeling so down about things. HUG!!!!11

But, Ok i agree that it was long, but I vehemently oppose that what you wrote was uninteresting!

But maybe thats because I'm really narcissistic, because you sound just like me, with the feeling worse after therapy than before and the starbucks thing, and the part about having trouble describing feelings. But I mean, how are you supposed to figure these things out, like the different types of emotions. It's so hard to describe. How are you supposed to figure out what the atomic emotions are or even if there are such a things? It's a nightmare!

Oh one last thing, you should understand that the only person pushing for your transition is you. You just have to do what you feel. There's no pressure, because the person who is in a hurry is you and if you feel that it would be better to wait then maybe you're not in such a hurry, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with taking the time to make sure you are ready to transition in the most positive way.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

100%.....

Honey...no one but you knows when it's time for your transition....or if you don't do it at all....

This decision is life changing and it's yours alone!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest MonikaC]

Sarah, I hope your right when you say I did the right thing. Ever since I left her office I've wanted to run back in there and ask for the letter. I haven't though, because I need to know that I'm doing this for the right reason, so it is nice to have someone else think I did the right thing.

Lily, I'm so glad I'm not alone! Therapy is HARD! And the emotions thing, after nearly 30 years of repressing all feelings, how am I supposed to know these things. I feel. I don't always know what I feel, but I feel. That's about all I know. This may sound odd, but when you use the term emotions it is easier for me to list them because emotions to me are just words used to describe other people. Feelings are things I feel, and that is when I shut down. It is an odd difference, I know, but I'm kinda an odd person.

Donna Jean, thanks for the support. Coming from someone who has made as much progress as you, that means a lot.

Monika

[Guest KimberlyF]

Monika,

We're so much alike w/the start stopping and not trusting ourselves. What I started to do is limit me exit options. I'm in an HMO for example so if I decided I was going to just stop this, my primary care doc is still going to be out of a LGBT center if I get sick. I came out to my cousin and on day 1 told her she can't let me stop. It could kill me. She checks in all the time on how I'm doing and what my short term/long term plans are.

And one of my panic attacks happened like 1 1/2 hours after therapy and another day I had this major realization and both times I had to start booking double sessions for that week shortly after the first. If it doesnt stir up feelings and thoughts and emotions, you prob ain't doing it right.

You're gonna be fine.

Kim

[Guest MonikaC]

Kim, I love reading your posts for that exact reason! I wish no one else felt like I do, but at the same time it is nice to know I'm not alone.

Limiting my exit options is something to think about. I'm not sure how I would go about it though. I'll have to give it a lot of thought.

Monika

[Guest BeckyTG]

Monika,

Here's a warm, soft hug for you

{{{{Huuuuuuuggggg}}}}

Therapy sessions force us to deal with things we've swept under the rug and have so far refused to face ourselves. It's no wonder we often feel like we've either been attacked or are extremely uncomfortable with ourselves when we come out of a session.

Your feelings are pretty normal for someone who's struggling with the trans issue. Most people have enough difficulty adapting to life in general. Adapting to that AND being transgender is a lot to deal with.

Take it at your own speed, only you truly know when you're ready to go on to the next level. Please don't be pulled or pushed forward, held back or forced to retreat by anyone else. It's your life and only you can live it.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest MonikaC]

Thanks Becky.

I just never realized how much stuff I have to deal with on a personal level. It's good that I know now though rather than go through transitioning thinking that afterward I will magically be better inside only to be rudely awakened by reality. I was talking with my wife the other night before I accepted that I need professional help, and told her that obese thinking of stopping my therapy after I got my letter as it is pretty expensive, or at least going down to once every month or two. She looked at me and said that she doesn't care how much it costs, or what I say I want, but I need to keep going. That was kind of an eye opener that made me realize that this really is what's best.

-Monika

P.S. I called the endo my therapist recommended and set up an appointment for the morning after my session.

[Guest Melissa 67]

Hey, what I remember from your posts is that you were on HRT for like 5-years, went off it, got back on it, then when your wife was cleaning the house one day she threw away your HRT-pills. Would you be questioning wheather you should transition if she didnt throw away your pills?

Love Melissa 67