The Waiting Game

[Guest Max101796]

So, my parents have basically told me that they won't help me out at all(won't even let me get a binder!) and that I'll have to wait until I'm an adult before I can do anything about this, so I can "make my own decisions". That's at least 4yrs away! I ask them, if for some reason my brother had a hormone imbalance and started going through female puberty, wouldn't they do everything they could to stop it, especially if it distressed him? Of course they would! But they just say, "Go talk to the therapist".

[Guest sarah f]

Max I am so sorry your parents are acting this way. There was one key part to your post I do like. They said go see a therapist. I agree 100% with this statement. Ask them if you can start seeing a gender therapist. Then you can show them that you are what you say you are and maybe it will help change their minds. It is worth a shot at least.

Good Luck

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I totally agree with Sarah!

"Go see the therapist!" so, do it....

It can lend validity to your cause....

Good luck!

Donna Jean

[Guest Max101796]

Well, I AM seeing a therapist, but she just stares at me and writes things down. I don't feel like we're getting anywhere. So far she mostly only asks me(repeatedly) how my mood is. My mood is fine! I'm never depressed or anything. Anyway, if I talk about being uncomfortable with my body or anything like that, my mom just tells me to go talk to her(the therapist). She(therapist) never seems to do anything!

[Carolyn Marie]

Try telling your mother that she is wasting her money on a useless slug of a therapist, and that you need to find a better one.

If this one isn't a G.T., then ask to see a G.T. Anything is better than wasting your time and your parent;s money on "treatment"

that isn't.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Max101796]

I have said stuff like "Mom, I think you're wasting your money", but she just gets annoyed and says "Alright, if you don't want to go you don't have to." I think she feels like 1st I'm telling to & then saying not to. Like, I never seem to stick with anything. If my mom signs me up for something most likely I'll quit even if I'd asked for it. Anyway, I'm afraid if I don't go she won't get me a new therapist. So I just keep going. I think she's a GT, mom said she was something like that. But I don't know.

[Guest sarah f]

Next time in therapy ask her if she is a gender therapist. That way you will know for sure. Some therapists just don't understand gender issues. If she is then ask what she thinks and if she can talk to your parents.

[Drea]

I don't know how many sessions you have had with this therapist. Maybe you have had 3 sessions, maybe you have had 24. I remember talking to someone who had gone through several therapists because the therapist wouldn't refer them for hormones. Turns out this person gave each therapist just a few sessions and the issue wasn't that the therapist wouldn't give a referral, some said they would, it just that the referral wasn't comming fast enough for this person. They were looking for a quick fix and had unreasonable expectations that a therapist would give one in a couple sessions. So this person kept hopping from therapist to therapist, starting from scratch each time and ultimatly wasting money and not getting anyplace.

Sometimes a patient and therapist don't click. In such cases finding a different one may be in order. Having said that, don't expect things to necessarily be great in the early sessions. That happens often enough, but for therapy to work one has to eventually develop some trust and be open. That is a process that takes time.

For good or bad, one has to deal with the consequences of past actions. If one has a history of not sticking with things, or to grasping onto the latest fad, very often parents, friends or family may question if one saying they are trans is just another passing thing. Best way to break that is to demonstrate persistance.

You said your therapist only asks you about your mood. You said fine. Is that what you tell her? Sounds like your getting annoyed when she asks that. If that's the case are you telling her your annoyed? It is fairly standard for a therapist to ask how your feeling, your moods, etc. If everything is "fine" the therapist has to be wondering what you are there for.

A mistake people sometimes make in therapy is trying to convince the therapist of something or not talk about things they think may cause the therapist not to give them what they want. I remember a friend telling me how her therapy was going so good, that there were never any new issues to discuss. Then 5 minutes later she was talking about a problem involving her ex and her daughter with regards to my friend being trans. She talks about how upset this makes her and how she wanted to confront her daughter. Her daughter who is supportive but had previously expressed that she didn't want to talk about it. Did she tell her therapist about this situation? No she hadn't. So much for not having any issues.

You mentioned that your mom says talk to your therapist when you talk about your discomfort with your body. The question I had reading that is what does your therapist say when you mention it?

When it comes to therapy, I am always am reminded of the movie "Girl Interrupted". This movie is about a young girl who ends up in a mental institution. She then spends most of her time trying to convince the docs how unfair it is. Trying to convince them she is okay. She gets absolutely nowhere with this. Toward the end, after some self realizations she gives that up and just talks about how she feels. Answers the questions as honestly as possible and gives up on the attempts to simply convince or manipulate the psychiatrist. It is only after that that the doctor says she has made progress and can be let out of the institution.

There is no way I know the dynamics involving you, your mom and your therapist. I am not saying any of the above apply, but mention these things to illustrate the typical sorts of difficulties some encounter in therapy. It is entirely possible your therapist is a slug, I just have no idea.

It's possible that you could tell your mom this therapist just isn't working for you, that you think another might be better. Saying its just isn't working will probably get the reaction you have gotten.

Beyond that, it seems you can try and make the best of what you do have as far as a therapist, give it time, etc. Or you can give up on therapy entirely.

Regardless of therapy, you can focus on things you can do yourself. Maybe earn some money and buy your own binder. Maybe make one of improvise one. Work on your voice and presentation.

Showing persistance and responsability may pay off with your mom in the long run. Likewise it would be good to avoid trying to manipulate your mom. Parents may seem to be oblivious to that, but often they know and it generally wont going to help much in a situation like this.

One has to deal with the circumstances they are delt. A little bit of creativity can go a long way. There are no quick and instant solutions even in the best of circumstances.

I am sorry your mom is making it difficult for you and that your therapist hasn't proved as helpful as you could hope. I do hope things improve. Maybe something here will give you some ideas. Good luck.

[Guest Max101796]

I meant like, say I wanted to take an art class. I end up quitting because I don't like it. Nothing to do with fads. I dont do those. I didnt say everything was fine, I said my mood was. As for the binder, I'm not expecting my parents to PAY for it, I meant they wouldnt let me buy it. I'm only 14, I cant just buy something off the net without permission. So I asked if I could(me paying for everything), they said no. And my therapist just doesnt seem(key word) very interested in gender stuff.

[Guest Orva26]

I have never been to therapy myself but it seems like you do have something to talk to the therapist about, their performance. Next time they ask you about your mood I think you should tell them that you're annoyed as the others have suggested because that's what you are. Explain to them about your mom and how the reason you sought therapy was gender issues and how you don't feel that they are being adequately addressed. This should build the relationship with your therapist and allow you to be more open. It doesn't seem to me that you're certain this therapist is qualified as a gender therapist and they very well might not be. If they aren't and don't think they can handle your case the responsible thing for them to do professionally would be for them to recommend you to seek another therapist. If they tell you that then your mom really can't deny it since it is coming from a professional. Or if it turns out that they are a gender therapist, your assertiveness might be what they are waiting on. Keep in mind that the function of a therapist is to help you, they aren't paid money so that you can act to appease them so you shouldn't fear civilly voicing concerns with how you're treated.