I Feel Like A Child

[Guest Orva26]

Let me elaborate a little. Have you ever been around a kid and they are faced with a decision, lets say if they want chocolate or vanilla ice cream for example and that decision causes their brain to seize up and they get confused and frustrated while you sit there thinking, what the hell? Its not that tough. But deep down they have no clue what flavor they want. In regards to gender I'm finding myself playing both of those roles in my head more and more as time goes by. I'm beginning to find that I'm identifying as myself in my head, as in I'm not first being like, I'm a boy or I'm a girl but rather I'm a ME. I know that by my outward appearance people will see me and perceive a male and that does not cause me great hurt. I do not have to 'play a part' in order to socially act male but my behavior isn't particularly masculine. There is confusion however because I want to be more feminine but that is mainly physically. I want to have a nice curvy body and would like real breast. I doubt I'll ever be satiated of that desire using breast forms, in fact (no offense to anyone who can) I find them silly as a concept. When I do get around to cross-dressing fully I don't think I'll use them because I'd want to see how the cloths would be on me, not me plus breast forms. My reserves about becoming female physically have to do with the potential for rejection during the process, a fear of not making it socially (i.e. never get voice down/being read constantly), and the ever present and crushing fear that these desires are illegitimate because of their connection with autogynophilia. At the same time I doubt that at my core I'm just a male who needs to suck it up. I've tried... I was all pumped for about a day and then I started freaking out when everything began to creep back. I'm reaching a point where I cannot imagine myself as 'purely' male. I have no drive to re-grow my beard and re-growing my body hair to avoid discovery while not gut wrenching is not something I'm happy about either. In fact coping with these desires coming back was what drove me to paint my toenails the first time and since then I have been living as a guy with secret pretty toes. I'm even at a point in my life where I should be ecstatic; finally moving out and gaining independence from my parents but these worries seem to be impacting that or maybe they are misplaced anxiety from that. I could ramble on longer but the point is that much like the child I'm not unhappy because I have chosen the wrong flavor but because I concretely have no idea of which one I should choose. Now I know that therapy will be that older sibling that comes along to sooth telling me that I can always try one flavor, both, or that there is that nifty swirl type so I won't have to choose between the two but that doesn't help my musings now or the fact that I'm beginning to heavily communicate in metaphors. But is anyone else as I am? Confused and finding that the real cause of discomfort is that confusion and not your actual physical body?

[Carolyn Marie]

Orva, many of us were confused for some period of time, some for a long time. Some people (myself included) find it relatively easy to repress/submerge our true selves in order to fit in with society's expectations of us. Other are miserable, depressed, even suicidal while trying to "fit in."

We can't give you therapy here, we can't diagnose whether you are TS, or androgynous, or a CDer, or something in between. Only you will know, and probably after some period of therapy with a G.T.

As you probably know, most of the staff here do not subscribe to the practice of using HRT to simply change the body in order to appear more feminine, for the purpose of passing as a cross dresser or relieving gender dysphoria symptoms. It involves too drastic and permanent changes to your body for experimentation and "cosmetic" alterations. I realize there are some therapists who approve HRT for that purpose, and some doctors who will prescribe hormones and T-blockers, but I personally don't agree.

There isn't a need to make yourself fit into any particular box at this point. I suggest concerning yourself less with trying to self-identify as one thing or another, and simply do whatever makes you most comfortable in your own skin, at least for now.

I really do think you should see a G.T. soon in order to get the proper guidance on where to go from here.

Lastly, just as a suggestion, if you want to get more responses, please break up your posts into smaller paragraphs. Walls of text are kind of daunting to many readers. Thanks

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I agree with Carolyn Marie... and yes, don't worry about labels right now

Also, all this attempt at self diagnosis will just delay finding out what you really are... you should see a theraist if you can? We try, but all we can offer is our own exeriences.

Finally I also usually can't take the time to read in detail those long posts - because I have to review so many! I know you are pouring your heart out in them... dang! Try shorter ones perhaps? You will probably get better answers.

Hang in there! We all seem to make it one way or another...

Lizzy

[Guest Orva26]

I do know that I shouldn't be attempting to self-diagnose. Heck I was the one to yell at friends when they decided to do it. But our minds do what they want to. I think it has something to do with me never really being the kid that gets confused between chocolate or vanilla. I pretty much always went with the vanilla.

That's how I am in general. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I want. I guess now that I've reached something that has caused me genuine confusion that in and of itself is enough to freak me out kind of.

Also I'm sorry for my recent trend of wall-o-texting. I'm usually pretty good about coherency and embrace the use of paragraphs but this more stream of consciousness like writing that I fall into here seems to make that difficult.

As you probably know, most of the staff here do not subscribe to the practice of using HRT to simply change the body in order to appear more feminine, for the purpose of passing as a cross dresser or relieving gender dysphoria symptoms. It involves too drastic and permanent changes to your body for experimentation and "cosmetic" alterations. I realize there are some therapists who approve HRT for that purpose, and some doctors who will prescribe hormones and T-blockers, but I personally don't agree.

I am aware of the staffs' views but if I may offer an interesting counter-point. I have come to terms with the fact that attaining a feminized body through hormone usage will mean that my old male bits will undergo a decrease in functionality and might stop working altogether. That does way heavily on my mind when I think of the possibility of HRT but what I am the most uncertain of is how estrogen will affect my thinking. Aside from this confusion I mostly like what is between my ears.

Now it may not be true for everyone but as far as I've heard from both literature and individuals the mental changes of HRT general proceed the physical ones. So in a case like mine where I believe myself to want the physical changes but am weary of the mental ones I do not find the idea of going on HRT for a short time, maybe at reduced dosages to be completely outrageous. Of course that in and of itself is very risky and only a doctor would know but doing that might allow me to test the waters with the mental changes. I'm pretty sure if I end up loving the mental effects that continuation would be a good idea.

Generally my brain is really fuzzy now a days buuuuuuuuuut I am sure of one thing. That the kind people in this community are in line for sainthood for putting up with my craziness. <3

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

I feel like I'm in the exact same place as you Orva. Confused and not sure how to confront it. I get that seeing a GT would probably help but it's not an option for me. I'm also well-versed in psychology so I know therapists aren't revelatory minds that can see through to the best possible path, but the guidance and support would be nice.

I feel the emotional boost and I'm starting to recognize my personality as more feminine than I gave it credit for, but I'm endlessly trapped in this cycle where while I'm dressing I'll get a high and think "yes, this is how I should be, this feels so right" only to 180 after I'm done into "I'm a man and that's good. I was so silly to think I was a woman, why do I waste my time?" All the other time is spent in confusion. I'm just trying to find my way out of the cycle into something more stable.

[Guest Orva26]

I feel like I'm in the exact same place as you Orva. Confused and not sure how to confront it. I get that seeing a GT would probably help but it's not an option for me. I'm also well-versed in psychology so I know therapists aren't revelatory minds that can see through to the best possible path, but the guidance and support would be nice.

Sorry to hear that gender therapy is not an option for you at the moment. Its good that you've reiterated the second point too. My call to a GT was what made me realize that. I do have some knowledge of psychology but not in a therapeutic sense. Um... this will sound really bad but I have a small interest in psychotic criminals so most of the psychology I know has to do with studying various psychosis and not therapeutics.

I feel the emotional boost and I'm starting to recognize my personality as more feminine than I gave it credit for, but I'm endlessly trapped in this cycle where while I'm dressing I'll get a high and think "yes, this is how I should be, this feels so right" only to 180 after I'm done into "I'm a man and that's good. I was so silly to think I was a woman, why do I waste my time?" All the other time is spent in confusion. I'm just trying to find my way out of the cycle into something more stable.

I'm getting a different kind of boost from thinking about my personality and that is, that its mine. Sure environment and socializing has had a large effect on its development but when it comes down to it, it is mine. I think in terms of personality I'm a blend of feminine and masculine. If I were to be asked to describe myself I would chiefly do it based on my accomplishments and character. This realization made me begin looking into androgyny as an option.

But I quickly realized that my brain was just using it as a way to rationalize adopting a more feminine appearance. That I really wouldn't end up shooting for a gender neutral look and that I would basically be moving towards presenting as female. I began to think that I would end up like Bill Kaulitz who is basically a feminine male and is gorgeous. But than I really thought about that prospect and the thought that kept popping into my head was, why stop at feminine male? Why not go all the way? And right now that's the idea I'm liking.

I'm sharing this because exploration of these possibilities might be helpful to you as well. I also know what you are talking about in regards to pulling a complete 180 though the connection I had with it is not strongly associated with cross-dressing. My big vice is both viewing and making transgender erotica as a vent for what was autogynophilia. That was all done in secrecy and was becoming a shame laced compulsion. But now the need for that is dying fast along with its allure. I still visualize myself as a woman when I think sexy thoughts but now I believe it is because to some degree I AM a woman. The exact extent of it has yet to be determined but I'm definitely not 100% guy and I don't want my body, not just clothes, to be 100% guy in physical appearance. And I owe a lot of that to the discovery of this community.

I wouldn't say that I'm out of the waters yet. And often self-exploration brings confusion but right now it has put me in a good place. I don't know if it'll work for you but if you lay off of the cross-dressing for a while and give your brain some time to think you might get some answers. I hope you're able to reach a good place too.

-Orva

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

That's a really interesting idea. My fantasies have always been tied up in the process but if I think of myself as a woman rather than concentrate on the process, that might help bring some clarity. I'm also big into transgender erotica so I might lay off it for a while. I so rarely actually crossdress it's more just fantasy. I never have the privacy for it.

For me, androgyny has never appealed to me physically speaking. It's always been either male or female presentation. In male mode, my only motivation is to look good for women and to the outside world, as I assumed was typical for guys. I've never had a style and have always avoided making any kind of statement with my clothes. I recently lost 40 pounds and the way women look at me now is great and the perks of being an attractive male are substantial. So when I get done dressing or fantasizing and I look in the mirror, I think just be satisfied with everything you were given and be done with it. I like myself as a male, I just feel disconnected from it in a way. It's almost like I look at my body and think "use this as a tool to never be lonely." Rather than hold it any regard or value you in and of itself. I always used to think of this as a good thing, as it meant I concerned myself with higher matters such as thought and character.

However, in female mode I feel an attachment to the way I look and I like clothes, jewelry, make-up and when I look good I feel a level of contentment that was never existent in guy mode. Although much of me thinks holding such value in aesthetics is petty and childish. In female mode, I found myself much less critical of everything and more allowing myself to enjoy things. But I like my critical thinking capabilities as I think it's good to have standards and question things. Maybe it's just an escape from reality as I see it and if I did present as female life would still be there and the emotional boost would wear off when I realize that it's not an escape. It's hard to tell.

[Guest Orva26]

In male mode, my only motivation is to look good for women and to the outside world, as I assumed was typical for guys. I've never had a style and have always avoided making any kind of statement with my clothes. I recently lost 40 pounds and the way women look at me now is great and the perks of being an attractive male are substantial. So when I get done dressing or fantasizing and I look in the mirror, I think just be satisfied with everything you were given and be done with it. I like myself as a male, I just feel disconnected from it in a way. It's almost like I look at my body and think "use this as a tool to never be lonely." Rather than hold it any regard or value you in and of itself. I always used to think of this as a good thing, as it meant I concerned myself with higher matters such as thought and character.

This is interesting it seems to me that your drive for maintaining male mode is not internal but rather socially driven. You seem to have a similar disinterest in being male as I do. No pronounced grievance because of it, just a great un-enthusiasm. Kind of like me.

However, in female mode I feel an attachment to the way I look and I like clothes, jewelry, make-up and when I look good I feel a level of contentment that was never existent in guy mode. Although much of me thinks holding such value in aesthetics is petty and childish. In female mode, I found myself much less critical of everything and more allowing myself to enjoy things. But I like my critical thinking capabilities as I think it's good to have standards and question things. Maybe it's just an escape from reality as I see it and if I did present as female life would still be there and the emotional boost would wear off when I realize that it's not an escape. It's hard to tell.

Well girls are allowed to like how they look. The norm for guys does generally seem to be to look good to impress people vs. girls who are allowed to look good because they just want to. (OH NOS I'VE VENTURED INTO STEREOTYPE LAND! ) The last questions you ask are very good ones about if it is just an escape and if it needs to stay as an escape.

I've had a lot of intense thought on the same thing. I could not rationalize why I fantasized about being a girl, I still can't really put my finger on it. But instead of thinking about the why I've shifted my thoughts to thinking about the possibilities. If this wasn't just an escape but actuality how would that make me feel? Would I enjoy waking up and seeing a woman's face in the mirror? Would I be able to stop fantasizing chiefly about my body?

My current thinking is that it would be a wonderful state of being to be a woman. That I would be rid of the thought of "what if?" that has grown to be almost ever present in my mind and I would simply just be instead of wanting to be a woman. I find comfort in these thoughts and that is beginning to make the previous ways they have manifested seem hallow and even unhealthy in some cases. Spending time here, which I do a lot of , definitely puts me more at ease than viewing and making transgender erotica.

I'm actually beginning to think that some of the shame in that was not because of the desire to be a woman but because of the actions themselves, i.e. I have no shame in my desire but in how I used to act on it. Since I really began to question things and since being on here I feel that I am slowly becoming more and more me. I've re-discovered old music taste (screamo, rock, hardcore, punk, garage - not really sure how to put it but more local amateur bands that are usually bustling with character) that I had discarded in favor of the stereotypical macho metal music. I am finding resolve that when I move I should re-start some old hobbies, mainly playing the card game Magic: The Gathering, and playing World of Warcraft. All this I don't think I would have thought of if I never questioned myself. I think I probably would have just ended up more sucked into the void of erotica.

Anyway, maybe a similar thinking can help lift your confusion. Good Luck!

-Orva

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

Same to you!

My hobbies have never been an issue for me, they are just expanding. I never thought I'd be into clothes, jewelry and make-up but I'm just going to embrace it and see where it goes. I'm being far too critical of myself really.

My gender presentation is definitely social as I thought it was with most people. I always thought of gender presentation as something where it's not that big of deal and you just do it because all males do it. I never thought anyone got any joy from being a certain gender, just that it was a certain way of being and you just accepted that and found joy within its parameters. I still think there's a lot of truth to that but I'm starting to think I've been detached from a portion of myself.

I could function like that quite happily when I didn't have to support myself but now that I must work to support myself means combining a lack of enthusiasm for my day to day life along with long working hours, I'm beginning to become very unhappy. I'm starting think I must have enthusiasm for my day to day life or I'll never make it. Not that I'll kill myself just that I'll end up as some sort of unaccomplished, dependent on others loser.