I Really Need Some Advice

[Guest Leigh]

so.... in july i moved with my sister and her friend..

i knew before we all moved in together that he has a lot of emotional problems, and eating problems, and had at least threatened suicide on one occasion....

(so basically it was a stupid idea to move in with him...but i did)

anyway. he is definitely bulimic. this is a HUGE problem.

first of all...well, obviously. he's ruining his health..

the thing is, i am unable to help people who don't want help.

in fact, i find that if you try to help people who don't want it, the problem often gets worse...i may be wrong, but that's the way i see it.

anyway. it's getting to the point where i feel like i have to do/say something about it.

it's driving me nuts. but he's so emotionally fragile (i think he might be borderline) that even bringing up small things will make him so upset he locks himself in his room for days....

this situation is a nightmare.

he and i are both unemployed (i'm trying, he's not really) and my sis is basically paying for everything right now.

i had some savings when we moved, but it's all gone now...

and it's getting to the point where we hardly have money for food...

and then "roomie" will eat all of the food we have. i mean he binges on huge amounts of food.

like it's not bad enough that he's destroying his body, he's eating 10 times what a healthy person would eat, and then just throwing it all up....

so my sister and i can't eat because he's binging and purging with all our food.

i know it sounds selfish to say that, when he's definitely got some serious problems.... but there's only so much i can put up with.

i've been urging him since he moved in to find a therapist, but he's making no effort.

and we recently switched into a 2 bedroom, so he has his own room, which is adjoined to the bathroom, so sometimes i don't see him for days.

and he throws up in the shower, and clogs the drain, and i have to clean it up......

and if i knock on his door, and try to get him to do stuff we have to get done, he gets all....i don't know, it's like a kid being mad cuz you told them to clean their room...

i really, really think he's borderline personality...and i HATE psychology.....

basically i'm losing it. i can't talk to him about it, because he'd have a break down and never do anything productive again. ever.

the only thing i can think of now is to find a therapist for him and insist that he goes...but none of us have money for that.....

all and any advice is welcome.

sorry for the rant....

peace&love

[Guest Opal]

Hi,

Well, first, I have not had first-hand experience with Bulimia Nervosa. Here is a link I found that may offer some hints.

Bulima

Wish there were simple solutions, but sounds like both your sister and her friend need to work on this. Otherwise, it appears they may both be taking advantage of you.

Maybe some others will comment in here during the next few days with some advice.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Leigh,

You do not have to be sorry for having a real problem that needs to be solved. You have done everything you could possibly do for this person. Clearly this person does not contribute anything to the welfare of the household. Since your living situation is already financially tenuous, I would have expected that your roommate would be more in tune with what is needed to survive this current situation. However, he does not. He is so self absorbed, that he eats what he wants without any regard for the survival of his roommates. If confronted at any level, he pouts in his room. Overall, he is a taker, and expects that all who are around him are to cater to his needs and his needs alone. This is a very destructive personality.

Although you obviously care for this person and you have done everything that you can to help him, it is not your responsibility to continue to provide care for this person.

Let him go. Have him move back with his parents or some other living situation. You deserve to be able to live and deal with yourself without this person distracting you from what is truly important to you. His needs are not your needs. It is both better for him and better for you to have him move out.

Insist that he moves out.

Love you

Brenda

[JenniferB]

I agree with Brenda. Leigh, you have given an effort to try and make your friendship work. But that is a two way street. I'm sorry that he will suffer if you leave him. But you tried your best to help him and he didn't listen. Worst of all he's tried to make you feel guilty when it is solely his fault for not wanting to get better. Sometimes you have to let a person fall because he is not willing to change. In this case it is your welfare that is at stake. You do not deserve this. You've tried the best you can. Since you've tried and he has not responded you need to leave him and tell him he needs help. I don't see anymore you can do. You have already given everything you can give and he doesn't seem to be responding. You have to think about yourself now and break the tie. Let him sink or swim. Maybe when he knows there is no one there who has pity or empathy for him and he has to suffer for his actions, he will change. That is not your responsibility. You should only help those willing to help themselves. You've done your part and need to move on for your own self. I know this will be hard but you now need to think about your own welfare since he obviously doesn't. Let him know how to get help and leave him. That is my opinion.

There are many people in life and some won't be saved. You may be sad but move on.

Jenny

[Guest stranger]

I doubt he can continue to live there...but if you want to give him a final shot I'd suggest telling him he can stay only under the following conditions:

-he gets therapy and/or medication enough to function, because he needs to start paying rent at some point Real Soon Now.

-he puts in three job applications a week

-he gets foodstamps and/or goes to a food pantry and gets his own freaking food, and that yours is off limits from now on, period. Regardless of whether he's barfing it back up or not, stealing your food isn't cool.

-Barf goes in the toilet, not the shower.

If he then chooses that those house rules are too much for his tortured soul, it's back to mom and dad's with him.

His ED is his own business, but not being able to pay rent, clogging the shower, and stealing your food-that's your business-that crap needs to end, like, yesterday.

[Sally]

Leigh,

You are right, you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped as one of the legion of those who try to save lost causes I can tell you that it will lead to emotional problems of your own.

You have already discovered that trying to help has not worked it is time to take stranger's approach and define the boundaries - there are three people in the house so ONE THIRD of the food is all that he can eat or throw up or whatever he wants to do with it - however he MUST at least try to get work - at some point he must contribute something besides a mess in the bathroom!

Talk to your sister and present a united front - his health is on the line and for both of you emotional, mental and physical well being is in danger if this continues.

Set a time table for the start of each phase with therapy and any medications as the main priority then work.

I hope that you can help him but if he will not agree to and actually do something toward this end then there is nothing that you can do and tell him to hit the road because you can no longer watch him doing this to himself - and then follow through - start by helping him pack!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Leigh]

thanks everyone for your advice...there is one problem...we cannot make him move out. for 3 reasons.

1. all three of us are on the lease, so legally we have no right to throw him out (though if he doesn't pay rent, we have the right, but not the means, to take him to court)

2. we literally cannot afford to pay rent unless he contributes in some way (and this is with me already having paid my portion, and my sister working)

3. he really, really has no where else to go... i mean, it's not like he's a kid.. he's 27, and he's living with us because he dad just kicked him out.....

other than that, stranger, i really like your guidelines... we could try something like that... though we've tried before...

also, i want to point out, he isn't really stealing the food, we all "buy" groceries together (he has a bit of money saved up...or his dad gives him some from time to time...i'm not sure)

it's just that he eats (and throws up) way more than his fair portion...

and i brought home veggies after seeing my parents at thanksgiving, and we never, ever get veggies around here.....and he threw those up...

so...i guess we'll just have to have a good sit down and make some rules, and hopefully he'll stick to them this time...though i don't know what we can use as pressure to make him...

thanks for the advice everyone. i'm going to try to find a shrink around here that will take people with no money, and make him go... i think that's my best bet.

peace&love

[Guest ~Brenda~]

When I was your age, I lived in roommate apartment situations too. Sometimes they can be great and sometimes not so much. Food can be an area of contention. In one of my apartments we had to section off the refrigerator per person. Someone got the tops shelf, someone else got the middle shelf, etc. It was understood that people only used their section and did not eat other people's food. I clearly remember having a roommate who never went grocery shopping, but would attempt to eat other people's food that they brought back from the the store.

You are going to have to set boundaries with this person and that person has to repect those boundaries. You are all adults. You can make this work and live in harmony with each other.

You and your sister may want to consider looking for another apartment with just the two of you or at least a different roommate.

Don't be an enabler, and allow this person dominate your life with his problems.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Leigh]

my dear bernii, trust me, as soon as this lease is up, i am on my own....

i don't think i'm cut out for roommates...i grew up sharing a room with 3 sisters, and i think that was enough for a life time.\

i've already started looking at studio/efficiency apartments.

the idea about shelves in the refrigorator is a good one.. i'll add it to my idea list.

we just decided last week that we need to start having a sit down with the 3 of us once a week...

so i think i'm gonna talk to my sister about all this before then, and hopefully we'll have some good rules for him on tuesday.

you know, i never thought i would be an enabler.. i've never had tenancies like that until the last year..

but my mom can be really bad about it, so i guess i should have been on the lookout.

thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it very much.

it's good to have unbiased people to talk to

peace&love