Goals And Obstacles

[Guest audrey michelle]

okay, soo, im pretty much comfortable with myself when presenting female. i pass each time and im never given problems. when i visit my therapist, i almost feel like we dont have super much to talk about because i know what i want and im at a place where im fine, concerning my transitioning. the only thing i really want is hormones but thatll be in a month or two which im fine with since i can pass without them. so i was thinking of a topic and then this kind of came to mind and i need help:

1. okay, my therapist says that i need to be comfortable as myself around my dad which is true. we dont really have a close/comfortable relationship and i feel itll be too awkward. the thought of me presenting in front of him even bothers me...like i cant even picture the situation. now he has seen me twice and the outcomes were this...first time: i came upstairs and he was in the kitchen...he glanced my way, saw me en femme, and quickly looked the other way and walked away and waited until i left to come out. second time: i was in the car, getting ready to get out and enter the house while he was getting out of his car [we arrived at the house at the same time] and he saw me through the window and saw me en femme...so he hurried inside the house and stayed in his room until i left. he is supportive and has stated that hell do whatever it takes to get me to where i need to be...but my therapist thinks i need to be comfortable around him en femme. i just dont know how to start it? she suggested i tell my mom to tell my dad in advance on what hes going to see when coming home one day...sounds good. any other suggestions?

2. how do i meet people? im like super super shy at first and then its a totally different story once you get to know me and i feel comfortable with you. okay, when i go out...guys approach me. not creeps, but cute guys around my age. they can just be like "hey" or whatever and i just get shy and walk away which then makes me look rude and nasty...but its just that im shy. im nervous to what will come out of my mouth as in what i would say, how i would say it, and how it would sound. i had a dream where i was talking to a guy and a super deep voice came out which then gave me away, haha. i can do a female voice, for sure, but im nervous that ill stumble and the total opposite sound will escape my lips so i avoid new people in general which sucks because i need more, new people in my life. i use my friends to meet people and branch off that way but i cant do that forever. i am confident when i go out...concerning my looks...but im super shy when it comes to new people. like how do i get over this and how will i be able to have a little conversation whenever a guy approaches me? ideas?

3. boys. the boys that do approach me believe that im genetically a girl. soo, if i were ever to get to know a clueless boy and gain interest...how do i go about letting him in on my situation? like i dislike this soo much because i kind of depend on boys for my happiness. bad, i know. i was getting better at it but a certain someone came back into my life and im now back at square one and it sucks, haha. so i guess i need help on how to just depend on me and know that if this doesnt work out with this guy that its fine and itll be okay. i basically need reality to slap me, haha

sorry for the long post! i just felt really messed up today over stuff like this. so, in summary: goals...how can i be okay [and make my dad be okay] with me presenting female in front of my dad? obstacles...how can i meet new people and get over being super shy? and how can i better on not depending on anyone for my happiness but me? thanks everyone!

[Guest KimberlyF]

OK...for #1 why is she laying this on you? When he runs away and locks himself in his room, he's putting out a vibe that he's uncomfortable around you. People feed off of each other. You came out to him. You appeared in his presence in Femme and he ran away. If he had supported you, smiled maybe said you looked nice and then walked away, there wouldn't be a #1. You will never feel comfortable around him until he's comfortable around you first.

#3 is the exact kind of thing you can spend weeks on with a therapist. There is nothing anyone can say to you to make you get it. You know it's stupid and you already know the answer. "like i dislike this soo much because i kind of depend on boys for my happiness. bad, i know." You shouldn't depend on anyone else for you happiness. But me telling you that isn't going to make you believe it. As for the rest of it, be careful.

Kim

[Guest sarah f]

I agree with Kim if your Dad is running away while you are dressed then that makes for an awkward moment and then you leave right away. I think maybe you two should sit down again and let him know your concerns. Ask him why he always runs away. Let him know you want him in your life and that means dressing as you want.

Now for the boys questions. I don't know what to tell you on running away. If you are afraid of your voice changing then that just comes with practice and confidence. If you don't feel comfortable talking then say sorry and leave. I think two words can come out with no problems.

If you find a boy that really likes you then you have to figure out when do you out yourself to him. Just remember if he takes it wrong then there is a chance he will let everyone know.

Good Luck

[Carolyn Marie]

Excellent advice already given, Audrey. I would sit down with your dad, while in male mode, and tell him what you've noticed about his

behavior, and tell him that it really bothers you, and talk it over. If you're going to live in his house for a while, he needs to

adapt to your changes, or you two need to find a middle ground that you're both happy with.

I don't have any advice on boys besides what you've been given, except to remind you that boys don't have cooties.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KimberlyF]

Most boys don't have cooties. There are a few at work I'm not betting on and give a wide birth.

Kim

[Drea]

It sounds like all these things are excellent items to be discussing in therapy assuming you are in regular therapy (i.e. weekly or every other week).

i almost feel like we dont have super much to talk about because i know what i want and im at a place where im fine

There seems to be some common misunderstandings as to what therapy is about. Not among all, but some look at it as simply a means to get referral letters, talk about getting on hormones, talk about surgery, talk about what they want or need, the mechanics of transition, etc. My therapist used to complain about this. Through the years I have known people who talk about having nothing to talk about in therapy but then go on to talking about deep issues that bother them. Often these relate to them being trans, some not. I always wonder, if they have these issues, why do they have nothing to talk about in therapy? Why aren't they bringing up these issues? Maybe they think they need to project an "all it great" outlook in therapy? Maybe it never crossed their mind that these were valid items to discuss in therapy.

Sorry for the wool gathering. It is just something I seen common enough. Trans folks tend to have a number of conditions including social anxiety, self esteem, etc. The trans issue itself tends to cause relationship difficulties workplace, etc. Therapy can be very useful for dealing with these things. To get guidence and help learning skills for dealing with these things as well as some good opinions as to how the other person is likely to react.

Everything you mentioned are excellent topics for therapy. Being able to have healthy relationships and maintaining a job (or function at school) are two key goals for one in treatment.

You say that your therapist told you that you need to be comfortable around your dad, and while you expressed this discomfort, most of what you talked about was your dad's obvious discomofort with you. Try exploring with your therapist how you might deal with his actions and your own discomfort.

As far as making friends, again a good subject, your therapist may be able to make surggestions as your therapist probably has the best read on your personality and habits. Some suggestions may be to get involved in activities that you like which brings you around other people. Common interests are a great basis for starting to develop friendships.

...i kind of depend on boys for my happiness. bad, i know...

...so i guess i need help on how to just depend on me...

Yes, you are right. Nothing anyone here is going to have an impact on that. We can shout till were blue in the face, but till you understand why and address the problem it will emerge again. That IS a discussion for therapapy. You need to figure out why do you depend on them for your happeniess. There are probably some roots there of which self esteem could be a big part.

You have gotten some good advice from others so didn't need to add. I just hope to impress upon you that these are things that are good to discuss in therapy. Yes some issues may take weeks, but that is how therapy works. Therapy is a process, its not quick fixes. The last issue with the boys witht he central items I quoted is an item for therapy. So if your in therapy, and feeling you don't have much to talk about, or these things are bigger in your mind than something else, bring them up. Your in therapy, use it.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Audrey,

First, I want to say, that I can relate (and I think a lot here can also) to some of your problems - meeting members of the opposite sex, being able to communicate with your parents, having confidence in yourself.

Here we all are, thinking at times that we're strange or unusual or different, when really we are so like so many other people, because that's what we are, people. With all the good and the bad, the hopes and dreams, the worries and real life. We just have to learn slightly different ways to approach these common problems. And I wish there was some magic wand to solve these. But the magic wand is really who and what we are inside. And it takes a little to wave it, and maybe the results don't happen right away, but they will come.

For your father, this is really hard, but often it's the best way, try to show him that you still love him, you still care about him, you are still his child. Like many have said before, transitioning to parents can look like you're abandoning them. I don't know him, of course, but there must be something you do know that you can develop, some kind of activity, or item, or action that you know he likes. Maybe even some extra chore, or something. Maybe if he sees you being the person he raised, just with a different outer appearance, he'll know you still love him. I can't guarantee results, but I know it's what a lot of parents want.

About guys, I grew up terrified of some girl saying hello to me, and yes, I was also terrified that they must think I'm so stuck up. Is there a solution to a problem as old as history, I don't know. Just start small I guess. Force yourself to say 'hi' and more importantly smile back. You have a great smile. And for many that's all they want (or sometimes need to try the next step). A smile brings people in and gets them relaxed. It's amazing sometimes. And that's what you want, people relaxed around you so you can relax and just be yourself around them.

Good luck, and you have so much going for you, I know you can do it!

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest audrey michelle]

sitting down with him and talking about it is just as awkward as presenting female in front of him, haha. like i dont care to look like a girl in the house, really. i bum around the house and dont even bother to look pretty but my therapist suggested that i get comfortable around him when presenting female. but he always like avoids it and i just want everyone to be comfortable with me so thats why i avoid showing him

and yeah, i get what yall are saying. it makes sense about everything. im just the kind of person who like knows whats right and whats true...but has a hard time actually following it or doing it. but thanks everyoneee

[Guest TracieV3]

sitting down with him and talking about it is just as awkward as presenting female in front of him, haha. like i dont care to look like a girl in the house, really. i bum around the house and dont even bother to look pretty but my therapist suggested that i get comfortable around him when presenting female. but he always like avoids it and i just want everyone to be comfortable with me so thats why i avoid showing him

and yeah, i get what yall are saying. it makes sense about everything. im just the kind of person who like knows whats right and whats true...but has a hard time actually following it or doing it. but thanks everyoneee

It is clear that he already knows you are mtf. That is a major problem solved right there. Now, he is uncomfortable about you in woman's clothing. It sounds like he doesn't want to say anything that may upset you, so he walks away instead.

You really just need to either sit down and talk to him in a calm manner. Or, write a polite letter for him to read. Then talk afterwards.

The main thing you need to avoid at all cost is have a misunderstanding about this. Don't drop hints, just talk to him in a calm manner.

'Agreeing to disagree' is a valid option that can prevent an argument.

Tracie

[Guest Orva26]

I agree 100% with the users who have made the point that it is really your dad that needs to be comfortable around you. Communication on the issue may be difficult but I think you may need to try it. You could get your mom to help you as well. It might turn out that your dad isn't walking away because he doesn't approve but rather he is doing it because he isn't ready to see you en femme yet. Transitioning is an adjustment not only for you but for everyone you know and have shared it with as well. Knowing your father's feelings will allow the both of you to figure out how to address them.

As far as making friends, again a good subject, your therapist may be able to make surggestions as your therapist probably has the best read on your personality and habits. Some suggestions may be to get involved in activities that you like which brings you around other people. Common interests are a great basis for starting to develop friendships.

This is a wonderful point. If you start by joining a school club or something you'll meet new people and gain confidence along the way. It seems that a lot of your worry is also about random guys approaching you. That you're afraid some cutie will walk up and you get so flustered that your male voice comes out to greet him. Well that is something that maybe you should force yourself to deal with, but it doesn't have to be a complete trial by fire. Give yourself an out! Carry around a water bottle or something and if you slip up and use the wrong voice take a drink from it, mumble something about a sore throat and then start again in your real female voice. Most people would just shrug a situation like that off I would think, since you present so well as female. Not sure about the practicality of it but it is an idea.

As for how to tell someone you might want to have a relationship with or end up in a relationship with, that will have a lot to do with the person in question I think. I don't really have advice on it though.

You're doing great, approaching transitioning with a lot of thought and maturity.