Going On My Second Day Clean

[Milly]

It feels weird. Idk I have more energy. I assume last nights fiasco could be attributed to coming off 3 months of nonstop daily joints. About everday id smoke at least 2 joints to myself... it feels like my mood is balancing out. Idk. Probably not but what else can I do? Im completely out. Pretty sad I said to everyone I quit but hell I didn't... I suck. Im sorry. Only reason I stopped was because I ran out. Anyway, im trying I guess. Could I even call my bitchiness withdrawal? Ugh idk. Sorry...

[Guest NatashaJade]

Milly,

Quitting anything is tough and it can result in the explosion of a lot of feelings you've been suppressing. As long as you're trying, that's all you can ask of yourself.

xoxo

Natasha

[Milly]

I just feel more emotional without it... I know the hrt will make it worse but anything makes me want to cry. Someone yelling at me, stress. Is that normal? I have to fight the tears sometimes...

Pot numbed me.

[JJ]

Milly,

So glad to hear your mood is balancing out. It takes quite awhile to get it all out of your system but it'll be worth it. Hard but worth it.

Like Natasha said, it's the effort that counts.

Hugs

John

[Guest Emily Ray]

Milly,

I used MJ for ten years before I switched to meth for another 7 years. In the end I knew it was going to kill me or worse interfere in my transition. I've been clean now for over 120 days! It isn't easy. I can cry over spilled milk on most any day. I can't stand to be alone unless I'm in my own room. I have a terrible time with feelings of lonlyness. I was using the drugs to deal with those feelings. But, now I have friends who would leave me if I stated using again. Not because they're insensitive, but because they can't use for their own well being. In the end it comes down to a choice. Choose to survive using drugs or choose to live clean with a chance at achieving my dreams with friends and loved ones. Everyday I need to make that choice. It isn't always easy to do. Life is isn't always easy but I would rather have friends who love me and not my sack, to buy dresses, get manicures and my hair done. These are al things I couldn't do or have as long as I was using.

Congratulations Hon,

Emily

[Guest sarah f]

and 3rd and 4th and 5th and 100th and 1year and 2 years and so on. You can do it Milly. You are strong and have the will power to do this because I believe you do. I hope to be able to see that 1 year and then 2 year post from you but I will take a 30 day post for now.

[Milly]

Being clean now is easy, being clean when my roomie gets dro this thursday is not >_< I mean ill be honest. The only reason im clean now is because I ran out. I stopped drinking but pot is harder. Not because its more addicting but because it actually calms me. It works for what it does.. its pretty pathetic because I can't tell you its very likely ill screw up... I always do... because in my mind I say "its just weed, what's the harm in one bowl... please god help me fight this.... I can't do it alone.. roomie said he wouldn't smoke around me at all. I told him not to stop for my sake. Why is something so weak so hard for me to quit >_< GOD this sucks! Now I want it fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff! Crap I need to sleep now, tonights going to be worse. Emily I feel pretty much the same. If im by myself it kills me... tonight im off and damned if it isn't lonely as hell... that's why I wanted some local friends but no car means im totally screwed... tonight is gonna blow... wish I had some actual irl friends other than my roomie who is kinda hard to be around because he's constantly crushing on me even though I told him I can't be with men... reminds me too much of one the main reasons I smoked so much...

Great now im depressed... k im gonna try to sleep now, try and sleep it off >_< ttyl all..

[Guest KimberlyF]

Milly,

I didn't drink or do drugs but I was able to mentally block all of my emotions and I became a very cold person, almost robotic at times. Humans should feel emotions. If you want to live, really live being more emotional is a VERY good thing. You'll learn to deal with it and what is appropriate and inappropriate responses to stresses, etc. But we should all feel.

You need to get this idea that pot is easy to quit out of your head. Using anything as a crutch or finding a way to stop habitualizing anything is hard to do. What is the highly addictive chem part of pulling the lever of a slot machine? Why is there a gambler's annon??? This will not be easy for you. If you think it will, you'll have a much harder time.

Kim

[JJ]

Get some sleep Milly. You are always more depressed in the mornings.

And if you read that link I posted you know that it isn't just one more bow-its harmful especially since you were a heavy user. And there are different kinds of addictions. psychological addiction is the worst in my book. It's like gaming isn't physically addicting but there have been plenty of people who lost everything, even died, because they got so psychologically addicted. Don't underestimate that kind of addiction.

You can beat it but don't underestimate how hard the battle it will be. Find some other activity to focus on-anything that you enjoy-that you can't do and smoke. Like knitting or any other activity that takes both hands. Now that your reflexes are improving and your ability to process information is also improving gaming may be more fun than it has been. A lot of that scattered, absent minded feeling should get much better too by the way.

The studies have proven heavy use causes all those things. And outside of that I was in college when drugs swept through-I saw what pot did to friends I knew well before and after. Those who became heavy users definitely had real problems with concentration and co-ordination they didn't even recognize. I saw it ruin lives first hand. Saw people go from straight As to flunking out. Lose the ability to cope with the stress in their lives. It made me really leery and stopped me from ever becoming a heavy user.

And really you aren't a freak and have been told how well you are going to pass. I know your looks are very uncomfortable for you now but I really don't understand why you keep saying you'll never pass etc. You are programming yourself to feel that way and setting yourself up for misery no matter how feminine you end up looking on HRT because your subconscious is listening to every word and believing it. Don't you have enough people making you feel bad in your life without you doing it for them? You are becoming your own bully. If you read much here you know that with HRT and hard work you can end up looking good and passing full time if you work hard enough at it and don't sabotage yourself with your own attitude. You are at an age to set life habits and paths. I don't think you want to spend it beating yourself up.

Hugs

John

[Carolyn Marie]

Keep at it, Milly. You CAN do this.

You're right, pot is not physically addicting, but as you can clearly see, it is mentally addicting. You need

to find other means of relaxing, so you aren't dependent on substances. Your therapist hopefully can help in that area.

One day at a time, hon. We'll be here to help you.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest AlishaToMe]

Keep going milly, you can do it.

As a VERY heavy pot smoker for over 15 years i know how hard it is to quit the stuff. It may not be physically addictive but it is psychologically addictive. For me the hardest times were the first 2-3 weeks because you are used to the routine of smoking a couple of joints every day(for me it was up to ten a day), and when friends smoke around you it will also be tough.

Once you get past that first period then things do become easier and you will probably notice an improvement in concentration, you've already seen an increase in energy, pot makes you lethargic and if you sit down and smoke it's game over for the night as moving seems like too much effort, nothing gets done and nothing ever gets better it's just forgotten, but those things that needed doing before the smoke still need doing after it.

It is also my opinion that pot is a mood enhancer in many ways, if you are up when you smoke it will make you laugh, If you are even slightly down it will just numb you and can make you paranoid and increase confusion.

I will not lie to you, after habitual smoking it is hard to quit, i am now 6 months clean and i do have times where i think a smoke would be nice but since i quit i think much clearer and my confidence is higher.

Milly hun, being trans is hard enough as you know, numbing yourself with pot will only make the road longer and harder as it gives therapists a reason not to help you and you certainly DON'T need that.

You can quit and i have faith that you WILL quit.

Good luck, luv Alisha.

[Milly]

Ummmmmm help? Still clean but um this is gross and im kinda scared, I've been coughing nonstop and now this brownish black crap is coming up >_< im scared, Oh my goodness is it?????

[JJ]

Milly - It sounds like your lungs are starting to clear themselves and begin the process of healing. I can't say for sure and if it continues you may want to see a Dr. but I have observed something similar when close friends and family quit smoking.

Think how much better you'll feel and breathe without that stuff in your lungs.

Congratulations on another day free!

Hugs

John

[Milly]

Oh ok I mean as long as its not cancer or something. I go to the doctor on the 31st and ill check then :x

[Guest Emily Ray]

Huggs and congratulations on another day clean!

Emily