False Illusion

[Guest therisa]

Before I joined Laura’s Playground, I thought my past was unique, until I realized there are other people, whom have been abused (psychologically and physically) by, one or more family member. Oftentimes, the rest of the family covered it up, afraid to air their dirty laundry in public, while we “the victim” are left to sort through things on our own. I know, in my case, I shoved these memories so faraway in my mind, it took the shock of my mom’s reaction to seeing her “eldest son” wearing a skirt, to break down the psychic walls, I have erected, in the previous thirty years of my life.

Prior to these events in July 2006, my walls were slowly leaking out memories, of the schoolyard bullying, through auditory flashbacks of the various viscous comments made to me, from kindergarten until the end of grade 10. Growing up, I learned the hard way; you kept quiet, if you didn’t want to endure more attacks, from the other boys. As this was calmly dismissed, as “boys being boys”, during the 1970s and 1980s, in the two school boards, I have attend here, in Ontario. Today, this type of attitude has change, but there are still stories of bullying occurring, in kids, as 4 years old in Jr kindergarten, here.

One of the first steps, I took in my transitioning, was starting in growing my hair, while my mom, constantly demanded, I get it cut short again, even offering to pay for it. It got to the point, she would be phoning me, several times a week, with her offer. Faced the option of either, turning off the ringer on my landline, or just ignore her phone calls, as my only means for some sanity, in my life. I was working 50 to 60 hours in 5 work day schedule, burning myself out, physically and emotionally, while running away from my issues, I needed to face. Even now, there some issues, I am too scared to face, knowing how toxic these events are, to me.

If I am, making such huge strides, in my healing, why do I have this fear, still? Just thinking about these events, is triggering my anxiety, as I am fighting to stay here, in the moment, working on this public library computer terminal. A couple of months have passed, since the last occurrence of an anxiety attack, while in the library. I know I am safe, but it doesn’t change, how I am feeling, right now. Am so freaking mad at myself, for letting these toxic memories, dominate my life, all over, again. Once is bad enough.

I feel like, I am letting others down, by this latest struggle of mine. I’m not worthy being alive, still. How I wish just once, for these pains to be permanently over, never to haunt me, ever again. A pipe dream, if there was ever one.

therisa

[JJ]

Therisa you aren't letting anybody down. We all know that this is a long hard fight and while we rejoice with you at your progress we understand that there will be setbacks. What matters is that they are shorter and fewer as time goes by.

These attacks will happen as long as there are memories unfaced and pushed back. Once you are strong enough to remember it all and confront it the anxiety and flashbacks will stop. It won't be easy as you know and it will be painful but afterward you will have the freedom and health you have fought for. It isn't a pipe dream but a future promise.

Hugs

John

[Guest therisa]

Doesn't seem possible for the tears and the flashbacks to end, John.

therisa

[Guest Pellinore]

keep believing, life is about your own happyness, forget about others if they try to prevent you from being happy..if they can't accept you for your true self. sounds selfish, but believe me.. sometimes you need to be selfish if you even value the continuity of your life the slightest bit. i have flashbacks all the time..not just auditory..but entirely reliving them while being shut down from the real world untill i get a grip on myself again, its driving me to insanity and beyond.

[Guest therisa]

Pellinore, I get both, often taking just a word or someone touching me, to trigger it. I have basically, cut myself off from my entire family.

therisa

[Guest NotClaire]

I'm an undergrad psych major and definitely not the best (or worst) source of advice, but I do know that running from problems or looking at the flashbacks as things to defeat or put an end to is not the answer. Instead, they should be looked at as experiences that could not be properly integrated into your brain back when you were a child. So, your goal should be to reintegrate the flashbacks into your current mind as an adult.

Hmmm... maybe next time you have a flashback or panic attack you could grab a pen and paper, laptop, or audio recording device. Log everything you experience: what you see in your flashback, what you felt emotionally, how that makes you feel now. This part will be horrible, I'm sure, but incredibly useful for confronting your traumatic event. After everything is written down or recorded about the flashback or panic episode, go do something fun and relax! Eat a delicious & amazing sandwich. Later when you're feeling good, go back and look at what you documented. Read it as if you were a scientist. Study it objectively and analytically. If you're a Star Trek fan, be a Vulcan! Dissect this memory you wrote down and put it in terms of what you know today as an older and wiser human being. Those memories are never going to leave you, so you need to find the best way to carry them on life's journey.

You should probably find a therapist to help you out, though! Transitioning is about more than just changing genders - it's about becoming the best self you can be

Stay strong!

Peace & love.

[Guest Pellinore]

I'm sorry i can't help you with the flashbacks, i don't think there is a way to make them dissappear..perhaps over time. you should write your flashbacks down and just mail them to a write or tell them to a friend..that does offer a little relief for me..since i never talked about my traumatic memories. try to associate things that trigger flashbacks with other happier things.. not sure if that works. Anyway..about your family..my father is in denial right now about my transsexuality..and its hard to deal with..just be there for your family if they ever need you. i don't know your situation..or your brain.. just pursue happyness while not feeling guilty.

[Guest therisa]

I'm an undergrad psych major and definitely not the best (or worst) source of advice, but I do know that running from problems or looking at the flashbacks as things to defeat or put an end to is not the answer. Instead, they should be looked at as experiences that could not be properly integrated into your brain back when you were a child. So, your goal should be to reintegrate the flashbacks into your current mind as an adult.

Hmmm... maybe next time you have a flashback or panic attack you could grab a pen and paper, laptop, or audio recording device. Log everything you experience: what you see in your flashback, what you felt emotionally, how that makes you feel now. This part will be horrible, I'm sure, but incredibly useful for confronting your traumatic event. After everything is written down or recorded about the flashback or panic episode, go do something fun and relax! Eat a delicious & amazing sandwich. Later when you're feeling good, go back and look at what you documented. Read it as if you were a scientist. Study it objectively and analytically. If you're a Star Trek fan, be a Vulcan! Dissect this memory you wrote down and put it in terms of what you know today as an older and wiser human being. Those memories are never going to leave you, so you need to find the best way to carry them on life's journey.

You should probably find a therapist to help you out, though! Transitioning is about more than just changing genders - it's about becoming the best self you can be

Stay strong!

Peace & love.

I have a session tomorrow, with my Cognitive Behavioural therapist, NotClaire, which I specifically requested my doctor to recommend me, for it. I know I need to get these flashback settled. Some of them, are over 30 years old.

therisa