General Bit Of Freaking Out

[Guest mary/jason]

So today is my first day home for xmas break. My mom drove to pick me up from school and we started making the hour trip home. We passed by a small formal dress store and she decided to stop in. See, my older foster sister is getting married in January and my mom (and the owner) kept asking me if I saw any dresses I liked. I managed to play it off by saying I had plenty of dresses at home to choose from (which I do because of my mom). Of course I left the store panicked because I haven't told her that I'm going to wear a "suit" to the wedding(I don't have the money for a real suit, it's pants, a dress shirt and a jacket really). I also panicked because I'm not out (genderqueer possibly ftm) and don't intend on being so until I see how well my therapy works out. But the thought of having to go in a dress freaks me out. A lot has changed about how comfortable I am with myself since I last had to endure a formal event, the most recent being senior prom, which if I'd owned a suit I would've worn it then too. This is the first of the three weddings I've been to that I've been able to have a say in what I wear but my mom terrifies me and I feel like she won't back down without an explanation. I would just give up and wear whatever she wants me to but I've been doing it my whole life and I want to draw the line now while I'm ahead. Ughhhhh...baby steps...assistance...thanks....

[Carolyn Marie]

That's a tough situation, Jason. You're between a rock and hard place.

If you were out to your mom, I would suggest a heart to heart talk, and perhaps a compromise. But its hard to have such a talk if you can't

tell her why.

You could drop the idea about your preferred attire in a casual way, and see what kind of reaction you get. If she is adamantly opposed,

you may have to suck it up one more time and go in a dress. What we usually tell people is, this is your sister's big day, and she is

the one to get all the attention. It just wouldn't be cool if you went in male mode and became the center of attention instead, or

ended up causing a big fight.

Sometimes you just have to man-up, if you know what I mean.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest sarah f]

I know it isn't the answer you want to hear but I agree with Carolyn. You may just have to man up and take one for the team. This is your sisters day and needs her brother to be there for her.

Have you discussed this with your sister? How will she feel about this? She might ask you to wear a dress too. I know that sucks for you but hopefully this will be the last time if you do.

Good Luck and maybe just maybe you can wear that suit.

[JJ]

Jason I'm afraid I agree with Carolyn and Sarah. There is a time to make a stand and be true to yourself but a wedding isn't it. The only alternative is to sit down calmly with your mother and sister, explain how you feel and find out what they are comfortable with.

Sometimes the hurt feeling that occur over incidents at weddings last forever. I have personally seen situations where the resentment and hurt lasted longer than the marriage and have lasted for decades.

Perhaps they would be willing to compromise and have you change into something you are more comfortable with for the reception. But be sure everyone is okay with it.

Coming out to your mom with a wedding approaching may not be a good time as she is likely to be stressed and more emotional. But you know your family best. Nothing wrong with saying that you dislike dresses and prefer not to wear one if possible or for as little time as possible. Just say it's not you and leave it at that unless they ask for more information about why you feel that way.

Good luck with it whatever you decide.

John

[Guest mary/jason]

yeah, i never really thought of it that way before. I mean, my sister is usually pretty chill and we get along well so i don't think she's care too much. And I'm not really trying so much to make a stand, I just wish I could wear something I'm comfortable in for once...but I suppose if it comes down to my mom really wanting me in a dress I guess I can suck it up. I'll probably just pitch the whole "not wanting to wear a dress" thing and see how it goes from there. And I may be able to get away with shorts or something underneath so its not unbearable...Thanks again for the help!