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[Guest willow ann]

First off, this is my long story of my life and I wanted to know if maybe there might be hope out there. I'm just in a really bad place right now and don't really know how to get out and escape it. I'm going to start off as though its back when I started transitioning.....

I started hormone therapy while working in Afghanistan, I was making really good money at the time and I was at the ripe age of 25, I thought I was still young. Now I feel old and tired and worn out. The date Oct 2008. I didn't care about anything but becoming a woman that's all I ever wanted, needed. So I trucked on. The way this worked as far as hormones go is one medication and getting facial hair removed and therapist, wait four months to go back to get more medications and the next one on the list. March 2009 I do just that and get the second one and I quit smoking after 6 years of smoking while coming back to being in a foreman's position for the first time without training It sucked I wanted to just i don't know I hated the feeling of taking chantix and then the new effects of the hormones it just sucked i tell ya. Then came back in June 2009 for my third med, facial hair removed and therapist. Came back to work (remember Afghanistan Land). People start finding out about me. Crap keep trying to hide it but it gets harder and harder. The end of July turns around and I get sexually assualted by my foreman. I tell on him and nothing happens to this very day. The only action was moving me to another section within the department and then getting moved again where I worked under my friend, who was also a foreman. I went back home again in Jan '10 but didn't get any new medications just a change. I get back to work and the company I've worked for 2.5 years (KBR Inc.) has lost the government contract and another one is almost ready to take over. I'm asked by a supervisor, who's also a good friend too, if I wanted to go to another camp to be by myself. I said sure thing. By now everyone on the base knew about me being a transsexual. If you are wondering how many that is look it up where I worked - Bagram Airbase, Afghanistan. Google it and you should notice that there's over million people there and most of them knew about me somehow, someway. (that's how it felt anyways.) I get all my stuff packed up to be moved and the next day i get on a C130 to go to kabul (where I loved it and wished everyday to go back there because I was treated with respect even after people knew about me.) I was suppose to go to another smaller camp from there but the HR lady stopped me from going because there was just another girl who got raped and killed there and I would be alone because there was no other civilian girls there. So I spent 5 days in Kabul just so I can go back to Hades, Bagram. I so hated being there and I thought maybe to quit then but I didn't I kept going. I work there for a week, living in the male tent while guys stared me down when I brushed my hair and got dressed, there's no walls in the tents. Then Fluor takes over my department and I become a Fluor employee on February 2010. About a week into it, I mess up at work and spill about 50 gallons of fuel. Another week goes by and my friend who's also my foreman and I have to go to HR. We don't know why. They hand us our tickets and that we are fired. :angry: I still to this day don't understand the whole thing about the situation but that's not the whole subject because life, even when you don't want it to, continues. My parents and family hate me because I started transitioning so I couldn't move back there. I move back with my x wife and her bf because I had a good relationship with her (at least I thought I did and my two daughters that I never got to spent time with, I could.) I look back now and still wished I could have lived somewhere else. I had a friend in another town that I knew very well and trusted her. Now it seems that everything should move forward right? So why did I progress backwards? A few months of living with them I get a phone call that there's head lice in the house and I had to get rid of my hair or leave. I had no other place to go, I had no vehicle and the nearest town is about 30 minutes away, yeah redneckville, ohio so I got it cut off no biggie but then it started to slip, roll down hill. Another month I finally file for unemployment and in April I receive it and I also get a temp job working at a candle factory, which I enjoyed working at. I also get a car too. So I think that I could get out from them, I so wanted to then but then that's not the story is it, being happy. How about those hormones, they ran out a couple weeks ago. I call a new order in and got two of them, the 3rd just costed too much. In July KBR calls me and tells me I got a job in Iraq. I know I need to go back to my doctor to at least get some more prescriptions but I ignore it and I quit my job. I began getting ready to go to Houston, then to Iraq. I finally get a ticket there in August after losing my car in the process because I had to get two teeth pulled and I didn't have the money to pay for it. I go there as a girl because they know I'm a transsexual and they didn't care. I ended up getting sent back because I didn't have enough medications to deploy, I needed 4 months supply and I had none. A part of me knew I couldn't go on but I ignored that. I get sent back to get my medications. It takes a week to get them. and see the doctor. Then I call KBR back but I lost my job. I had to push very hard to get it back so I can deploy from Houston. I get there in the end of August prepared to leave but they stuck me in a hotel for one week and then some just to find out that I can't go to Iraq but they are willing to send me to Kuwait if I'm willing to get my work visa. I have to go back home to accomplish this. I get there and I'm still working to get the visa even now. I first tried to change my gender marker but that was going to take over 2 months before I could do that I didn't have that kind of time because my x and her bf was moving to another state to find jobs. So I have to apply as a man, whatever it's money. I'm to the point of being sick and tired of being dirt poor that I don't care anymore. The first step was getting background check, that takes 2 - 3 weeks for Kuwait Embassy to process them. I found out afterwards they needed fingerprint cards. That takes another 2 weeks. I don't even remember all the things they needed but they also needed lab tests that takes 2-3 weeks just to process. That just got done. Now just waiting on passport to get stamped and I gtg, (good to go.) I set here tonight and my x decides to tell me my boobs are nothing so I get very depressed as usual this is how it's been since I lived with them. I move on today and keep going. You see me here writing there's where we are at. Yes I'm looking at you.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Posted at author's own risk

Lizzy