A New Development Er..... "down There"

[Guest Orva26]

Hello,

Remember when I started posting here, idk around a month ago I guess? Remember how a big concern for me was keeping functionality of my boy parts? Well I think that is changing. Part of me is like, "YAY! It'll really be no big deal if hormones kill it off!" and I guess that is a good attitude to have considering how much I want HRT but it is soooooooo strange to have this confusion about my gentiles. I haven't really had it manifest until now.

Now self gratification is barely on my agenda, hardly planned, and the last time it did occur it made me confused and sad. With that male form of release comes a flash of thought that I should abandon all my recent thoughts and go back to how I was but... but deep down I really don't feel that way! I don't like those thoughts, they cause me pain. I don't mind so much being aroused, that's a natural state of being for the two "traditional" genders as well as the myriad of other ones but orgasm, at least that kind of it, isn't great... ... I think it is becoming the opposite.

The thought that my previous enjoyment of it was in perversion, socially acquired, or a big lie is difficult to swallow. But what really, really hurts is thinking about this in the context of my ex. I love her, plain and simple. At a point where I had basically given up, where I thought the path in my life would be devoid of physical intimacy she showed me the beauty of it. The thought that I enjoyed "being the man" for her and not for myself, the thought of that relationship resulting from repression or coping mortifies me.

If it was, what am I? A compassionate being wishing to please someone I care for potentially at the cost of myself, or a monstrosity deceiving a wonderful person? Which of the two will she see me as? I really hope it is the first... I couldn't handle it if it was the second. If I were to rank the importance of acceptance from people in my life it would look like this:

My father

Her (my ex)

Close friends

My mother

friends who aren't so close

relatives

idk, general society?

You can see that she is definitely up there. She will be visiting next Monday... I need to figure something out. I dread the state my mind will be in if I feel in her presence that I am 'playing the man'. The notion that this is something I need to get through is taking away from the excitement of actually seeing her and that is making me feel like an awful person.

Strange thing too, I still don't think SRS is for me. I think if I lost the ability to er... discharge but still could get construct I would be fine. Does that even make any sense? I guess the act reminds me of male arousal... that it pretty much ends after orgasm where a female one wouldn't. It points to a limitation of my flesh and I guess it reminds me of its imperfection in my eyes.

Idk, I am in conflict about this. The scientist part of my brain thinks I should try to figure it out more, but the rest of it thinks I should let it lie and avoid the issue by not partaking in self gratification. I can't tell which part will win. @_@

-Orva

[Guest MonikaC]

Orva,

You are not a bad person. I can really relate to your changing views on sex. For me, sex was never really satisfying, not bad, but not satisfying. However sex with my wife was nice. Again, it wasn't quite right, but the emotional connection that occurred filled a need for me. There was always this urge to have sex, though. I felt like an addict who needed a fix. Now, as I progress, during any intimate times between us, the act of sex is completely optional for me. If she wants to, then okay, because I love her I will do what I can, but if she doesn't want to then I'm more than okay with it. I look at love making with someone you love as an expression of that love, not as just a physical act. If you loved her then what happened physically was an expression of that love, and nothing to feel bad about.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Monika!

That's the type of thing I needed to read right now. Reminds me of my real views on sex, ones I actually learned with her, not ones belabored by my ever shifting mind.

I think that this visit will be the biggest event in my path, at least that I can see in the immediate future. But I need to concentrate less on my stress over what it will cause and more on it. As you've shown there's no reason my feelings towards her are any less legitimate regardless of my gender identity so I should concentrate on those for now and not what may come after.

I have also read up some on sexuality to try and help me wrap my head around this. My original thought that I am bisexual makes next to no sense I really am closer to pansexual, or at least polysexual. Knowing that is/will be helpful.

<3

-Orva

[Guest Emily Ray]

I have conflicted emotions on my own sexuality and they very from da to day and week to week. I have been on 4 different types of estrogen and they have each had a different effect on my desire for sex. With the patch I had no desire. With Premarin I was ready and willing even when I didn't want to be. On oral estridiol I can or I can pass it really makes no difference to me. Without a boyfriend at the moment I can live with my level of desire. Being on HRT as changed who I am interested in. I have never been with a man and was always into girls. A few months back it changed for me. Through an event I don't want to talk about here I learned that though I find women attractive I am no longer attracted to them in a sexual way. Now you opened this topic with some very blunt honesty and I will match it with my own. When I do seek self gratification I don't always feel the need to complete the act. My entire sense of the orgasim has changed. The focus is no longer centered down there but over my entire body. I now have a need for forplay that was never there before.

I am interested to read the rest of the posts on this subject.

Huggs

Emily

[Carolyn Marie]

My entire sense of the orgasim has changed. The focus is no longer centered down there but over my entire body. I now have a need for forplay that was never there before.

Emily

You have to admit, Emily, that we now have erogenous zones that we didn't have before. I haven't had the urge (yet) to explore the upper

frontal regions for excitement, but it's something I've thought about. Just not sure if my s/o would want to assist me in

my "research."

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Emily Ray]

I wish I had an assistant who could help me ;-)

I had a friend help me put on a necklace once and I could feel th brush of his fingers a half hour after the fact and the shivers settled in my lower back and stayed there for a good five minutes. That was just a brush of a man's fingers while putting on a necklace. It has created in me a strong desrie to rid myself of unneeded equipment as soon as possible so I can fully experience what my mind has always wanted.

One thing I didn't mention in my last post is how I have benefited from keeping an open mind about where I was going. This included a changing of attraction. When I was seeing a man even though it was very brief I became aware of just how uncomfortable I actually was in my previous relationships. Orva, you spoke about how when you see women in social situations you feel like you too want those experiences. Even though I am pre-op I can say that I am the girl in those situations and for me ther is no longer any doubt about what I am and where I am headed. I guess the point I want to make in this paragraph is you are early in the proccess and already you have seen your thoughts change some. Don't worry so much about where you will end. When that time comes you will have no doubts about the answer.

I started to think and be ok with the fact that I was a crossdresser last December. A year later almost to the day I have been living as a girl for 6 months full-time. I am not trying to set a land speed record through transition. I have just kept an open mind and did what ever would lead me to happiness. That is what I want all the people here at Laura's to know about transition. It is possible to become happy along the way not just at the end of the trip. In fact I would say if you are waiting for that moment to be happy you more than likely will find it a disapointment for you. Learn to find your happiness in the journey.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Tiaria]

You have to admit, Emily, that we now have erogenous zones that we didn't have before. I haven't had the urge (yet) to explore the upper

frontal regions for excitement, but it's something I've thought about. Just not sure if my s/o would want to assist me in

my "research."

Carolyn Marie

Forgive my ignorance, but would that be 'empirical research'?

Tiaria

[Guest Orva26]

That's some pretty interesting stuff you shared about the different forms of estrogen having different effects mentally, Emily. I kind of want to poke around scientific literature and see if I can find any papers on the biochemical differences in the absorption methods. I'm a nerd like that.

Orva, you spoke about how when you see women in social situations you feel like you too want those experiences.

Yup, though now I'm thinking this is transferring to just wanting to be female socially. Yesterday my parents visited and we were out and about getting stuff and I'm not sure how seeing them made me feel. Part of me wants to be able to be open about this with them so they could be proud of how I am growing as a person and part of me is terrified at the thought that they might not take it that way. When we were out I would find my mind pondering about a future where we would be doing something similar but I would be female. And when I would see a young woman with her parents I think that is what I want.

I'm gonna go visit friends soon, I actually should be off in a few minutes. I'm going to have to see what that does for me too. If thoughts of hanging out with them but as a female occur naturally it'll give me some confidence. I'm already opting to leave my toenails painted and the clear coat of polish on my fingernails. I just can't seem to will myself to undo these things.

I guess the point I want to make in this paragraph is you are early in the proccess and already you have seen your thoughts change some. Don't worry so much about where you will end. When that time comes you will have no doubts about the answer.

*taps head with knuckles* YOU HEAR THAT BRAIN?! SHUDDDDDDUP!

Seriously though the bold will continue to be a problem for me. I'm a goal oriented person, my brain functions by thinking about where I'll end up, it is just how it is wired. I will try to relax more and smell the roses but I won't be able to turn that thinking off. It is getting annoying though it seems like everyday my brain runs the gambit of all thoughts from all stages of what I have done so far. @_@

I have more to say but I need to get going, FOR ADVENTURE TIME! And by adventure I mean a 3 hour drive. I will come back to this topic when I return, probably tomorrow.

-Orva

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

I can tell we have so much in common. I was always interested in knowing everything I could about a subject and when that subject is personal I double or even triple the effort. I will try to point you in the right direction for your research on the different adsorbtion methods and why they effect is different.

My first estrogen was a generic conjugated estrogen pill similar to premarin but synthetic. It is not available in the US and I purchased mine in Mexico when I lived there. It is not the same and that is why it is not on the market here in the US

I also for a month use a birthcontrol patch with ethnyl estrodiol, it is the strongest form of estrogen and lasts the longest in the body.

The next patch I was put on was just a form of estrodiol and when I switched to it I had terrible migrains for three days and then they went away. As my skin changed my patches nolonger would stick to me and I was using a months supply in a week and whenever they did fall off I would get a terrible migraine.

Next I was put on premarin which is made from the urine of pregnat mares. Some people don't like this fact and while I am not in need of it I am ok not using it. It has at least 6 different natural estrogens in it. It is also can't be measured accuratly in the blood. I like it precisly because it has a varied estrogen profile. Women make many different types and I think it is more similar to nature. My opinion and experience.

Oral estrogen, like premarin is circulated through the liver befor reaching the rest of the body. The patch is the opposite. This proccess changes the form of estrodiol to its matabolites and then these act on the body.

The unfortunate truth is there is so little data on how these dugs effect the trans population. Most of it is anecdotal. In years past premarine was the choice of drs around the world at doses much higher than today. I hope this gives you some ideas about the pharma of HRT and where to start your research.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Orva26]

Alrighty, I'm back. Friend visiting went well. When I am around them it seems like my mind can go completely blank of this stuff. But then when I realize I am not thinking about it I get all concerned and confused as to why. Like how not having it around constantly makes it less genuine. But that is completely dumb now that I think about it because its obvious why I'm not thinking about it. My mind is occupied because I'm hanging out with friends! During parts of the time it will creep back but it isn't a great concern then. Hehehehe over thinking Orva over thinks!

Anyway, there's some very informative stuff going on in here:

Next I was put on premarin which is made from the urine of pregnat mares. Some people don't like this fact and while I am not in need of it I am ok not using it. It has at least 6 different natural estrogens in it. It is also can't be measured accuratly in the blood. I like it precisly because it has a varied estrogen profile. Women make many different types and I think it is more similar to nature. My opinion and experience.

Drugs being made from urine doesn't bother me at all. The fact that it is an estrogen cocktail instead of just one form is interesting too. As you said estrogen isn't really a singular thing so a natural source would give a good approximation to the real picture. Only curiosity I have of this is that I know the amounts of the different hormones are not the same when a female is pregnant vs. when they are not so I'm wondering if that is taken into account during the manufacture of the drug.

This way holds the most interest so far. But I'm guessing like everything, whatever dr. I see will have their favorite method they know the most about/ are the most comfortable with.

Oral estrogen, like premarin is circulated through the liver befor reaching the rest of the body. The patch is the opposite. This proccess changes the form of estrodiol to its matabolites and then these act on the body.

AH HA! Now all of the times I have heard that people on HRT shouldn't drink makes more sense! I always figured it had something to do with needing the liver for the process. Since that is the case any drinking I do will give the liver a second process to worry about.

It is unfortunate that not much is known about how these drugs impact transpeople but it kind of makes sense. Seems pretty difficult in my mind to set up a clinical trial of transpeople and very mean too. These things require a control group so some involved would be getting placebos. I have also been a research scientist and will say that is as much of a business as anything else. Sadly it still is/would be a hell of a lot easier to research grants for studying these drugs effects on natal females (large population) than it would be for studying their effects on trans (relatively small population). It'll probably be a while before we get really good flushed out literature on the effects.

[Guest Tiaria]

AH HA! Now all of the times I have heard that people on HRT shouldn't drink makes more sense! I always figured it had something to do with needing the liver for the process. Since that is the case any drinking I do will give the liver a second process to worry about.

It is unfortunate that not much is known about how these drugs impact transpeople but it kind of makes sense. Seems pretty difficult in my mind to set up a clinical trial of transpeople and very mean too. These things require a control group so some involved would be getting placebos. I have also been a research scientist and will say that is as much of a business as anything else. Sadly it still is/would be a hell of a lot easier to research grants for studying these drugs effects on natal females (large population) than it would be for studying their effects on trans (relatively small population). It'll probably be a while before we get really good flushed out literature on the effects.

Lucky me! I've never been big on alcohol, I never liked the taste, and the one time I indulged on it, it had zero effect on me... (At least, as far is could determine...) I could still walk in a straight line...

Nor do I smoke, nor do I use drugs. (Just my chain smoking father, who's smoke goes up the staircase, as if it were a chimney...)

And you're quite right, setting up a clinical trial is going to be a b* (no offence). And I, too, am certain that most (if not, all) transwoman wouldn't want to take the risk getting placeboed...

Penny for our thoughts,

Tiaria