Was I Premature?

[Guest Tiaria]

My friends,

about two months ago, I showed up at your doorstep, like a little lost puppy... Confused, and afraid... At that point I had been dysphoric for two, maybe three weeks. I'm still confused, I'm still afraid, but my two months here have been real eye-openers... I have had plenty of support, thus far, for which I'm really grateful.

At about the same time I first showed up, here, I decided to come clean with my parents. They had already noticed I had become more irritable, because of a lack of sleep. (Which I have made up for, by going to bed two hours, earlier.) I told them what was troubling me, what was on my mind... And frankly, because I felt they had the right to know: I may be old enough to make my own decisions, but I still live under their roof...

Naturally, I specifically asked their silence, before I told them anything...

(Just so I'm clear: I'm still sorting things out...)

My father really took things in stride, casually remarking he would 'have to get used to having three daughters, in stead of two daughters and a son...' Later, when I had another discussion with him, he said he was somewhat... intrigued...

He mentioned he had done some casual research into transsexualism, in general. The 'how', but more importantly, the 'why'... (Even though psychology is not his field of expertise...). Thus far, he has been very open, and very calm... A veritable light house in a storm... (But a therapist, he ain't.)

I think it would be somewhat ironic: He does some casual research, and his offspring would turn out to be an example... (But let's not jump to conclusions...)

My mother is a somewhat different story... She suffered damage to her brain and her brain stem, in a car crash, about a decade before I was born... She was launched through the windscreen, and crashed into a tree. She was in a coma for three months... (Note, that was in a time when seat belts were not obligatory on back seats, yet...)

The damage has mainly affected her short term memory, and her animalistic motor functions, as well as her sense of balance... I feel myself getting a heart attack, any time she walks up the stairs, with her hands full... (She can be so stubborn... Guess I inherited that trait from her...)

Anyway, I told her, too... But she still frequently referred to me as 'my big boy'... She seems to keep forgetting anything with a low emotional value...

Up until a few days ago, that is. She called me 'her son', to my face. I managed to convince her to abstain, for now, from referring to me as a male, and to use a more neutral description... Thus far, she's holding her part of the bargain... But I can't blame her, if she forgets, again...

(Somehow, the use of male pronouns or adjectives to describe me, makes my skin crawl...)

I also told two other members of my family, but without going into details... An aunt, who is a preacher; and an uncle of mine, who I consider somewhat of a father figure...

I only told them I'm under a lot of mental stress, concerning a 'very deep seated' and 'personal' matter, and that I'm seeing a therapist for these problems...

My uncle suggested I should try yoga...

And then, of course, there's my ninety year old grandmother... (Sigh) There's no easy way to say it, so I'll just say it...

She has terminal cancer, and I fear she won't make 2011... Over the last year, I have seen her waste away, as the cancer, in essence, eats her alive...

I decided not to tell her, because she has enough on her mind... and I don't want to add to her worries... I want her to be able to die in peace...

There's a part of me that wishes (for her sake) that she'll die in her sleep. Peacefully, and not in agony...

I just hope I didn't jump the gun, by starting to tell some people (who I completely trust) about my worries, and my feelings... What do you think?

Love,

Tiaria

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Honey.....

A load shared is a load lightened....

What ever path you may end up taking in life, it's good to share with the ones that can offer support...

I think that they will help you along...

Good luck, Hon...

Donna Jean

[Cyndee]

Tiaria, thanks for sharing some of your family history and stories with us.

First your Dad, congratulations on his response to you, this sound encouraging, since you are sharing the roof with him, excellent.

I hope your mother is OK, based on what you said, I would not burden her with your issues too much, keep smiling and give her your love, Mom's need that.

Your Grandmother has had a long life, I hope your family can find peace during this hard time and may she find some comfort.

You certainly have our support here Tiaria. I would tend to not burden your family too much, however having some awareness to your issues, and ongoing understanding gives you room.

Hugs

Cynthia Ann

[Carolyn Marie]

You've done very well, Tiaria, and it certainly doesn't sound like you came out too soon. Your father sounds like a good and decent man,

with an open mind and an open heart. I'm sorry to hear about your mother's troubles, but she seems to be making an effort. It will be

hard for her to adapt, I would think.

I'm also sorry to hear about your grandmother. Watching someone waste away is a terrible burden, and you are right not to add to her problems by coming out to her.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Emily Ray]

Tiaria,

I am sorry for your familys difficulties, but I think you did the right thing in telling who you did and who you didn't. Your father is outstanding in his response to you with his open mindness. You are truly blessed. I don't believe in coincidences and I think that your creator put you where he did for a reason.

I want to tell you I am pulling for you and your continued growth as you figure out what it is that you are seeking. Enjoy the journey hon.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Tiaria]

Thank you very much for all the heart-felt replies...

I feel much better, now, knowing that I made the right choice...

Hugs,

Tiaria

[Guest Orva26]

I WAS premature in this, so I can say with confidence that you were not.

I'm gonna have super fun, re-telling my dad. But that is my own darn fault!

I'm glad things went well with your father. Unfortunately it seems like your mother is in a similar place as my grandmother who will quite possibly not even have a clue who I am when HRT has shown significant results.

And, daaaaaaaannnnnnnggggggggg, I've been having so much crazy time in my own head that I didn't catch this tread until right now.