Feeling Guilty?

[Guest Haidos]

basically i'm coming to terms with the fact i'm a man trapped in the wrong body but that's just it, a deformed outer shell.

I keep thinking people are born everyday with disabilities and deformities that they have to live with and they can be happy and live amazing lives so why do i have such a tough time being me just because of my gender.

i'm really struggling with this; it seems to me that i should be able to just accept who i am and being hung up on physical attributes is really shallow.

i don't want to offend anyone and i know everyone deals with it differently but i just think if people born with disabilities, deformities etc can see the bright side of life why can't i do the same.

i've come to the conclusion that it's because identity focuses on gender alot; job applications, drivers license, passport etc. i don't understand why gender is relevant to ID to be honest.

i was thinking about this last night and couldn't sleep for hours i got myself into such a state and was physically shaking, this issue is really exhausing me.

has anyone else felt this? do you feel it still now? does the feeling ever go away? i just want some reassurance i guess that i'm not alone.

thanks guys and gals

[Drea]

If this trans stuff were only about external interests and social presenatation I would think there would be much less needs for surgeries.

Ultimatly, when one is alone, its just you and your body. If you have a problem with your body, it's not suprising you might want to change it. In some cases people go to extremes and it is a matter of vanity which is very shallow. In other cases, to correct physical deformity, it is accepted norm.

So to feel guilty about wanting to change your body over gender issue? Hardly seems the shallow sort of vanity thing to me.

[Carolyn Marie]

Many trans folk are able to adapt to life in their birth gender, or outer shell, as you put it. They don't feel the need to transition, or only take things part of the way.

That seems perfectly acceptable to me. I would not push transition on anyone who wasn't sure its what they needed (notice I didn't say "wanted").

Not transitioning, in my book at least, doesn't make one any less trans. One size does not fit all. What matters most is what you feel about yourself, your own personal identity, and how you wish the world to see you. What the world feels about it, even other trans people, shouldn't matter.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JaniceW]

Many trans folk are able to adapt to life in their birth gender, or outer shell, as you put it. They don't feel the need to transition, or only take things part of the way.

That seems perfectly acceptable to me. I would not push transition on anyone who wasn't sure its what they needed (notice I didn't say "wanted").

Not transitioning, in my book at least, doesn't make one any less trans. One size does not fit all. What matters most is what you feel about yourself, your own personal identity, and how you wish the world to see you. What the world feels about it, even other trans people, shouldn't matter.

Carolyn Marie

Carolyn,

An excellent post! An analogy just came to me for this. Consider type II diabetes, I am a type II diabetic and there are millions of us in the world. Some TypeII diabteics manage their diabetes with diet and exercise alone, others, like me, require insulin and yet other are managed on oral medications along with diet and exercise. Does that mean that a type II diabetic that is manging themselves with diet and exercise alone is somehow NOT a diabetic, that to be a type II diabetic you must be using insulin? No we are all diabetics who each treat our diabetes differently according to what we need (again need not want) to do for it. GID is no different than diabetes.

[Drea]

I think I may have read the post wrong when I made my earlier response.

So let me add, that no matter how you feel, whatever you decide that works for you, that makes you no less valid. I agree whole heartedly with what Carolyn said.

Just because one chooses not to transition doesn't make one any less trans. It takes a special stregnth I think to make such a decision in a forum such as this where those who get the attention are those deciding to tansition.

[Guest Haidos]

hey guys and gals thanks for your posts and responses.

I know how far or if an individual needs to transition is entirely personal but i feel like to be myself i would have to go all the way and i just wish it was simpler.

my next logical step is to arrange therapy to talk this out with a professional but i just don't have the courage to initiate it.

i'm overthinking the whole situation, i mean i know it's not just about physical appearance and that to transition isn't shallow. It's like getting diagnosed with a disease and being told there's a cure and feeling guilty for taking it, just me being stupid.

[Guest Shari]

Haidos,

You're not being stupid thinking about these things. I think we all do at one point or another, it kinda goes with the territory. I don't know why I am driven toward transition, just that I am. For now, that's good enough for me.

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest Orva26]

Hello Haidos,

my next logical step is to arrange therapy to talk this out with a professional but i just don't have the courage to initiate it.

i'm overthinking the whole situation, i mean i know it's not just about physical appearance and that to transition isn't shallow. It's like getting diagnosed with a disease and being told there's a cure and feeling guilty for taking it, just me being stupid.

Well now, I have thoughts like this nearly everyday now!

I get all happy at the prospect of actually being a woman vs. just imagining it and then all that guilt stuff comes. I think it makes perfect sense for us to be experiencing this. The prospect of transitioning isn't like picking what shirt you're going to wear, its a major life changing decision with far reaching social consequences.

Big thing I keep dwelling on are the social consequences and also how I cannot come up with a rational reason as to why I am questioning things or for me to be unhappy as male.

Also:

That seems perfectly acceptable to me. I would not push transition on anyone who wasn't sure its what they needed (notice I didn't say "wanted").

I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but with this I take issue. I understand fully that a person should know if transition is right (notice I did not say need or want) for them because like I just said it is a major life changing decision but can we just not use the words need and want? I personally find it hurtful when transition is framed this way and I do not think I am alone in this. I can see definite evidence of people in the same place I am and that is that they do not know exactly what stage of transition is right for them.

I know that I have a deep emotional longing to have a female or at least feminized body and express myself as Orva in real life but that is what it is, a longing. Does that constitute need or want? If I was barred from transitioning, it would hurt but I would manage it, does that indicate it isn't a need? I am having a difficult time imagining a future where I am male in body and role, it freaks me out that I pretty much can't and my natural state of mind is to picture myself as female, is that characteristic of a need? The question of my gender and the idea/hope that I can become female is now pretty much central to my being, what does that mean?

Idk, I guess seeing emphasis on transition as a need makes me feel marginalized especially when it is stipulated that people who want it shouldn't pursue it because I am in limbo land. The idea that it has to be a need sets up a mystical archetypical group that NEEDS to transition while everyone else, TOUGH LUCK! I just don't believe that is the case, and talking with the GT I will probably end up seeing in the future has shown me that IT ISN'T THE CASE. A paraphrase of her words, "The process (transitioning) is not dissimilar to other important decisions, a change of career, or divorce for example. You need to evaluate the benefits and risk and see if the decision is right for you." And this is coming from a GT who has been assisting clients in transition for 30 years and who was one of the pioneers in doing so in my entire state!

Now, I don't mean to take over this tread or start something, quite the opposite... this site has become a cherished sanctuary for me in my time here. But I am pleading can the message of caution about transition be that individuals should make sure it is right for them? It is softer than needed, more humane to individuals like me, and yet still conveys the meaning that transitioning is serious and not something that should be pursued for the wrong reasons.

[Drea]

Yes, there may be someone just like you that insist for them it is a need. Then again there will be someone else that is quite different that insists it is a need.

There is already a discussion on the subject of need verses want here.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=27507

Perhaps the discussion can be brought up in that thread.

One item I stated was that the need vs want isn't so easy to identify and that humans have a great capacity to transmute a want into a need. Another is that there is liternature out there that does acknowledges for some transition and SRS isn't necessarily a need, that it is a want, and that some achieve that want.

Personally I feel it is counterproductive to try and lump everyone into one big group saying "we are mostly all the same". The manifestations of the dysphoria that leads people to transition are so widely varied.

Rather than get into debate about what sub groups should transition or not, I say, find a therapist and spend some good time in therapy and then figure out what your going to do as it comes.

That seems a great deal more productive than trying to parse definitions or insist one is the same as someone else.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for alerting me to that topic Drea!

One item I stated was that the need vs want isn't so easy to identify and that humans have a great capacity to transmute a want into a need. Another is that there is liternature out there that does acknowledges for some transition and SRS isn't necessarily a need, that it is a want, and that some achieve that want.

This helps ease my mind. The bold is something I'm still battling with as to, is that okay? Is it the natural route for a deep want to become a need or isn't it. The red is cool and makes me feel that the first question is un-needed.

Rather than get into debate about what sub groups should transition or not, I say, find a therapist and spend some good time in therapy and then figure out what your going to do as it comes.

This is very much true and why I so detest the period of financial limbo I must get through before being able to see a therapist. Definitely not going to be able to stave off therapy until insurance clears and stuff. I'm definitely going to end up starting once it becomes financially feasible. Should probably call her and see about appointment slots and stuff.

I am a bit ashamed of my last post as it wasn't as calm as I thought it was and I feel that it kind of derailed the topic (sorry Haidos) but I just want others to appreciate that when I type, "seeing transition framed this way is hurtful." It isn't merely because of an ideological difference but rather it helps my mind scuttle over to the thoughts of guilt, shame, confusion, the fear that I really am just a sicko gender fetishist, that I'll perpetually be stuck with the plague of autogynophilia, basically all the thoughts of despair that got me to join here in the first place in hopes to have an outlet to relieve them.

Meh, maybe I'm just to sensitive about this right now. I'll read that other topic and see what it does for me. But right now, ITS EXERCISE TIME!

-Orva