My Lucky Streak Continues In The Library

[Guest Tiaria]

As probably everyone here knows, by know, I have a trans woman for a therapist. You also know how incredible tiny those odds are. (I sure as hell do.)

I'm three days away from my next session, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Since the first session, I had a few bouts of nervous depression, and one full blown panic attack, but otherwise it has been a good two-and-a-half weeks, although they feel like two-and-a-half months to me.

But it seems my luck has not ran out, in the mean time. On the suggestion of a valued friend, I trudged through 15 cm's of snow, on my bike, to pay a visit to the local library.

Earlier, I had checked their catalogue via the interweb, and found absolutely nothing. But, on a hunch, I went anyway.

I poured over hundreds of books in the psychology section (including one named "Why men lie, and women buy shoes..."), and 'Lo! And behold!' I found not one, not two, no, three books related to Transsexuality! Needless to say, I borrowed them, and I've got them, right here.

I started reading the first book, right after getting home, ignoring the near frost bite on my toes...

It is a novel by a Dutch Post-Op MTF, who based the novel on her own experiences. It's called "Living in Between: Desires and frustrations of a transsexual." (If someone's interested, I can give you the ISBN number.)

I've only been through it by about a third, but already I feel like someone punched me in the stomach, and struck a nerve while doing so...

She mentioned her poor childhood, among other things, which definitely struck a chord (or several). I truote: ( translate + quote = truote!)

I'm walking across the beach, quietly and alone. Dusk is starting to set in, and I know I should have been home, by now, but what business do I have there? What business do I have anywhere?! I'm not just alone, I'm terribly alone. I feel sad, depressed and lonely. My attempts at friendship have always failed. Boys don't want me, think I'm weird; and only the fact I'm good at learning has made me respected at school. But outside of school, I'm alone! The girls I know only want me to talk to. I musn't try getting any closer when I feel attracted to them, for I'll have lost them.

Why? Am I so terrible? I don't look so bad, do I? Then, what is wrong with me?

That part was especially painful to me, as it was exactly how I felt when I was in school...

I already told my father he can read the book, when I'm done. He has always had some fascination with the transsexual mindset, or so he told me.

I haven't started on the other two, yet. One chronicles the transition of an FTM. (Other way around, but similar...) The other discusses transsexuality and homosexuality, and how they stack up with various religions...

*Sigh* Three days, just three more days...

Love,

Tiaria

PS.:

Trust me, being on a bicycle with all that snow is no fun, at all...

PPS.:

The Terms & Conditions did not mention quoting from books, except to respect copyright. Therefore, I assume this short quote is not in violation...

[Guest JaniceW]

Tiaria,

Enjoy your reading and your exploration of yourself.

Interesting that I happened to type that sentence exactly that way, "Enjoy". Hmmm, this self examination can be a troublesome process, but then it can be enjoyed too. The discovery of who we really are. The peace that comes from knowing oneself well and being comfortable with who we are. The long awaited realization that we are not freaks and that there are other poeple who have experienced what we are now experiencing. Feeling the lonliness fall away and sensing the warmth of our sisters' and brothers' love and guidance.

[Guest Tiaria]

Something tells me I'm going to be reading this book, all night...

Darn that caffeine...