Awaiting The Break Of Dawn...

[Guest Tiaria]

The Lake

I have been to the lake, you know?

You know, the lake where you see yourself in the reflexion from the water's surface? The lake in the middle of a calm and peaceful forest?

You know what I'm talking about.

I have been to this lake twice before, but I never felt enough at ease to risk looking. Both times I was gripped by fear...

This time, I looked. Without flinching, without any hesitation. You want to know what I saw?

I saw a young girl. She appeared to be eight, maybe nine years of age. And she had a certain look in her eyes... fear on a face of infinite sadness... She is sad about her unjust imprisonment, whilst fearing the world outside...

That girl is me... She's so afraid... I'm so afraid... I am so afraid...

Afraid of what may yet be to come...

I guess this happened three, maybe four days ago?? It only took till last night to realise it...

My mind has been very calm and quiet for the last couple of days. While the thoughts of being a potential TS did cross my mind, I didn't seem at all willing to counter it by rationalising...

Another thing I noticed is that my libido dropped to zero, at about the same time. Until then, I was... at the mercy of T... Feeling the urge, and feeling forced to just give in, whenever I was in private... And the thought of "you-know-what" did cross my mind a few times, since then, but it did not get any response from down below, what so ever...

And what I noticed weeks, ago... I'm no longer obsessing...

It's ironic, while I'm completely certain about myself, at this point; the bad emotions I had, have been replaced by others...

From anxiety to anguish;

from fixation to fear;

from self-loathing to self-pity;

from stress to sorrow...

Looking back

I've spent a little under two months, here at Laura's, exchanging words, thoughts, feelings and sentiment... And they have been a very good two months.

If I had not found this place, I'm not sure what would've become of me... Because of all the support and care I got (and shared) here, I'd like to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for being here for me.

And I'd like to thank Laura, in particular, for making it all possible.

All the stories I read, were absolutely eye opening, and whenever I felt really down, there would be people to cheer me up, to help me on my feet, and on my way. Again, thank you so much.

My stress is gone... Although I must admit, thinking about what may be just past the horizon, has me somewhat worried...

Looking forward to...

I never had an easy life, that's for sure. And I know that is not going to be any easier in the short run, because I know, from all the heart felt stories, that this journey will not be an easy one...

But I know, deep down, that this is a journey I am obligated to follow, wherever it may lead me. And I'm completely at peace, with that...

...the break of Dawn

With all that said and done, I feel relieved and at peace. I already took the first hurdle, by reaching out for professional help. God knows, I can't do this on my own. And having a therapist, who is a trans woman herself, really helps.

This brings another point that needs mentioning: my name(s)...

'Tiaria', as a name was really just a stop gap measure, as I felt bad about the weird name I gave myself, when I showed up. So I rushed to have it changed to 'Tieria', but I made a typo...

Right now, I have three initials, not counting my last name...

In order, their meanings are: "Wealthy friend" "Strong leader" "Home ruler"

I really am none of those things...

And I'll drop the first of them, just because it reminds my of a time gone by...

Drumroll, please!

I decided on these names, and just to make it official, I'll ask MaryEllen to change them, as soon as I've posted this...

Roxanna 'Anna' Henriëtte L.

(But you may call me 'Anna')

'Roxanna' is a variant to 'Roxanne', which is the Persian word for 'Dawn' or 'Daybreak'. I think it signifies the new beginning, nicely.

'Henriëtte' is an homage to a late cross dresser I knew... This way, she won't be forgotten.

And so, the wealthy friend has to go, to make room for the dawn of a brand new day.

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest JaniceW]

Anna,

Congratulations to you! I am so happy to hear that you have arrived! I know it was a dark and twisting path to get here but not that you have, welcome! We certainly have a journey in front of us don't we?

[Guest Roxanna L]

Anna,

Congratulations to you! I am so happy to hear that you have arrived! I know it was a dark and twisting path to get here but not that you have, welcome! We certainly have a journey in front of us don't we?

Thank you!

Yes, it will be long, and trying, but I am confident we can make it through, the both of us.

To me, this feels a bit like standing ready to jump into a black hole, in order to retrieve the light, caught inside. That is, if your only escape mechanism works. I'm not really afraid, but there is a degree of trepidation... Some sense of 'take a deep breath, and then go for it'...

Anyways, that's something to discuss with my therapist, next friday. I'll be sure to toss in another update, by then. (Perhaps I'll post from the train home? )

OH! And did I tell you her name is Laura?

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest Jenth]

Hi Anna,

*hugs*

Looking into the lake isn't easy and doing something about your reflection is even harder. I'm glad you've looked and I'm glad you're stress is gone. I wish you good fortune on your journey of self release.

Another lost scared little girl by the lake,

Heathy

[Guest Roxanna L]

Hi Anna,

*hugs*

Looking into the lake isn't easy and doing something about your reflection is even harder. I'm glad you've looked and I'm glad you're stress is gone. I wish you good fortune on your journey of self release.

Another lost scared little girl by the lake,

Heathy

Aw, does that hug really have to be so short?

*hugs*

Anna

[Guest Dakota.P]

Excellent post! I am really glad that ya took a good step forward in finding yourself.

From anxiety to anguish;

from fixation to fear;

from self-loathing to self-pity;

from stress to sorrow...

That is really well put. Something I have been thinking about, but couldn't figure out how to say. Thanks.

I hope that as you go forward, everything will work out fine.

~D

BTW, Anna is a really nice name.

[Guest Roxanna L]

That is really well put. Something I have been thinking about, but couldn't figure out how to say. Thanks.

I hope that as you go forward, everything will work out fine.

~D

BTW, Anna is a really nice name.

Thank you...

I always had a little thing with words , 'though I'm terrible at rhyming...

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest Dakota.P]

A little thing with words? You are great with them. And if I remember correctly, English isn't even your first language! Ya make native speakers like me jealous. 

~D

[Guest Roxanna L]

A little thing with words? You are great with them. And if I remember correctly, English isn't even your first language! Ya make native speakers like me jealous. 

~D

Nah! I'm just being modest.

Anna

[Guest Orva26]

Wow, I think you are my thought doppelgänger! My brain finally stops screaming at me so I can look through topics again and it seems like you've already captured the thoughts/feelings I have been having with an amazing elequence!

From anxiety to anguish;

from fixation to fear;

from self-loathing to self-pity;

from stress to sorrow...

This is much more than a little thing with words. It is a deep and insightful poem. I connect with it, if I spent enough thought I could probably give date and time indicating when each line became true of me. I never thought I would have such a connection with written words but I do...

I too have looked into the lake and seen a reflection... but it is unclear. Muddled by pollution and murk (what I believe to be repression and complacence). The form of it I have ideas of but Orva is still a little bit unfocused. Our similarities help clear the murk and pollution. But I haven't yet gotten the EPA (therapy) to come and skim it away.

Not only do we bear similarity in mind but you chose your name based on meaning as well!

I do think it is a great fit for you! You have used so much symbolism with light and storms clearing that a name meaning daybreak or dawn is a perfect fit.

<3

Orva

[Guest Roxanna L]

Wow, I think you are my thought doppelgänger! My brain finally stops screaming at me so I can look through topics again and it seems like you've already captured the thoughts/feelings I have been having with an amazing elequence!

From anxiety to anguish;

from fixation to fear;

from self-loathing to self-pity;

from stress to sorrow...

This is much more than a little thing with words. It is a deep and insightful poem. I connect with it, if I spent enough thought I could probably give date and time indicating when each line became true of me. I never thought I would have such a connection with written words but I do...

Really? I've spent days (well, hours ) perfecting it. I never thought myself the poetic kind...

I do know that, if I want to make a really big OP about a sensitive subject, I tend to be thinking for days. I'd spend days thinking about how I'm going to put it into words...

I too have looked into the lake and seen a reflection... but it is unclear. Muddled by pollution and murk (what I believe to be repression and complacence). The form of it I have ideas of but Orva is still a little bit unfocused. Our similarities help clear the murk and pollution. But I haven't yet gotten the EPA (therapy) to come and skim it away.

Don't worry, it will become clear, in time. Good things (much like trouble), come in their own time; they always do.

It took me about two weeks, since I first met my therapist. And it took me another three (maybe four) days, before I realised my head was quiet, and my heart felt right... Everything suddenly made sense.

The first time I met transgenders, it was more in passing, than having a good conversation...

(And still I can't get my head around these odds: (1)I didn't expect to find a therapist; and (2)She's a trans woman, herself...)

Not only do we bear similarity in mind but you chose your name based on meaning as well!

I do think it is a great fit for you! You have used so much symbolism with light and storms clearing that a name meaning daybreak or dawn is a perfect fit.

Aw, thank you!

<3 ya, too!

Anna