I Don't Know What To Feel...

[Guest Roxanna L]

As the gravity of my 'situation' starts setting in, I really can't help but feel confused, again. Not confused about my gender, no... confused about how I should regard all this...

Should I consider my 'awakening' a good thing, should I be happy for myself...?

Or should I consider myself cursed, and have pity on myself for having a harsh fate forced on me: being imprisoned in a prison of flesh and bone?

I'm inclined to consider all this a mixed blessing, bordering on cursed...

Anna

[Guest Emily Ray]

Anna

Perspective is everything here. I love analogy to help explain somthing and so I will relate my experince and an analogy.

You have a glass that is half full of water from your comfortable position it is neutral, but give it to a man who is near death from thirst it is pretty good maybe e3ven life saving!

When I discovered I was trans I was near death by my own hand and the fact that there is a cure for what I have gives me hope that keeps me alive until the next glass comes along

I love being trans. There are many things about it that are just really cool! If you transition you get to live life fully in two genders and noone but us can do that.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Roxanna L]

Replying from the train to Amsterdam...

I'll be talking to my therapist in 90 minutes, and I'm going to share my feelings with her. As she is trans, herself, I'm quite certain she can at least alleviate some of my worries...

I see where you're going with this, Emily, although I can't help but feel like that one big cloud called depression is slowly creeping up on me...

But were you already depressed when you realised you were really a woman? Or did the realisation of it cause your depression?

I just feel like I'm stuck in a big pool of quicksand...

Anna

[Guest angie]

As the gravity of my 'situation' starts setting in, I really can't help but feel confused, again. Not confused about my gender, no... confused about how I should regard all this...

I'm inclined to consider all this a mixed blessing, bordering on cursed...

Anna

Many of us feel that way Anna.

While it is a blessing that we finally admit it to ourselves that the female core is a very real person,and

not a figment of an over active imagination,some/many,consider it a curse for the way it changes our lives

forever.Nevermore will we be happy in our birth gender,or with the role we learned to play,and the hurt we

so willingly invite into our lives.So to this day,for all the pain it has caused me,both emotionally and

physically over the years,I consider finding myself to be both a curse,and a blessing.It is blessing in that

I am without doubt the happiest I have ever been in my life.The curse is just a part of finding myself.

Angie

[Guest Dakota.P]

Going with my avatar, I am would say that it is neither good or bad. It just is. What is good or bad is how you respond to it. But I would say that you are blessed to have had this awakening. It is better to know reality even if it is hard. I am in that pre-awakened state right now and I really wish I could just know one way or the other.

~D

[Guest Roxanna L]

Many of us feel that way Anna.

While it is a blessing that we finally admit it to ourselves that the female core is a very real person,and

not a figment of an over active imagination,some/many,consider it a curse for the way it changes our lives

forever.Nevermore will we be happy in our birth gender,or with the role we learned to play,and the hurt we

so willingly invite into our lives.So to this day,for all the pain it has caused me,both emotionally and

physically over the years,I consider finding myself to be both a curse,and a blessing.It is blessing in that

I am without doubt the happiest I have ever been in my life.The curse is just a part of finding myself.

Angie

It sounds really contradictory, Angie...

"Inviting the pain"...

I didn't ask for it, but I'm stuck with it. It's an uninvited guest...

I don't see any joy, in the foreseeable future...

Anna

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Anna,

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. Very good Your therapist will help you immensely to sort things out.

I know all of this and the answers you have been given seem paradoxical, but that is the nature of being transgendered. No one wants to be transgendered. No one woke up one day and said "hey, I think I am going to be transgendered today". No, that is not what happens. Although, the realization that we are transgendered comes a different times in our lives. For some, the realization comes very early in life. For others, the realization comes much later.

When the realization is clear, it is such a relief.

This whole process for you is going to take quite a bit of time, so be patient.

Step by step, you will reach your destination.

Love

Brenda

[Guest JaniceW]

I don't see any joy, in the foreseeable future...

Anna,

Ah that terribly dismal future we think we see from where we are right now. But for a moment, one moment, just think about a time when you are not confused. A time when you just are! When your focus is on all those other things in life that are important and not on gender at all. When your gender just is! When the questions are answered. When the obsession with things male or female are just choices about what to wear or how to do your makeup. To me that is the joy of the future, not some kind of ecstacy but a peace of mind.

[Guest Roxanna L]

Dearest Anna,

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. Very good Your therapist will help you immensely to sort things out.

I know all of this and the answers you have been given seem paradoxical, but that is the nature of being transgendered. No one wants to be transgendered. No one woke up one day and said "hey, I think I am going to be transgendered today". No, that is not what happens. Although, the realization that we are transgendered comes a different times in our lives. For some, the realization comes very early in life. For others, the realization comes much later.

When the realization is clear, it is such a relief.

This whole process for you is going to take quite a bit of time, so be patient.

Step by step, you will reach your destination.

Love

Brenda

Just something I qoute from a TV series:

It's like the distant chaos of an orchestra tuning up. And then somebody waves a magic wand, and all of those notes start to slide into place. A grotesque,screeching cacophony becomes a single melody.

Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica, Reimagined Series...

[Guest Orva26]

But were you already depressed when you realised you were really a woman? Or did the realisation of it cause your depression?

Wow... I am dumb! I kept mentioning how things were intense and how I didn't have the engery to make replies and stay up to date on other's topics well that quote is exactly why. A few nights ago I found myself in tears because the reality struck that I am not okay, that I do need therapy and to address this, and that this path, what I percieve to be my path in transitioning is both the path of desolation and the path of elation.

It exist in the strictest of dualities. The desolation being the hardest part to face. How the acts I think/feel/believe are needed will cause me pain. We do not invite it, rather it is merely part of the experience. It is both hurtful and good that I began to view friends in terms of the chance I would have for acceptance. Particularly over this time at my parents' place because it is making me feel that my father would only be-grudgingly accepting of me.

The elation is that I truly feel and believe that this path will end the turmoil inside. I will get a sexuality that isn't a secret, I will get to express myself in all the ways that it has become apparent that I want to, and I will have a body that I wish for rather than one I simply have been given. That is not to say new turmoil won't arise as all those pretty molecules fist fight in my brain and shift my mentallity towards a female one but the end outcome of that is something I believe I would welcome as well.

To actually answer the question when I first said aloud to myself, "I am Orva and I'm a transsexual!" it was a wonderful feeling of relief, as if I could finally stop trying to dissect my thoughts and feelings. But when I quickly realized that wasn't the case, that now I would still have that same tendency but only with a shift I became depressed. It was like definitely more of a swaping of ominious clouds than their lifting. But now the thoughts I antagonize over are if I should begin transitioning, if doing it through HRT is right, etc. When the thoughts creep back, the ones like "This is all a compulsion" I am able to stop them, my mind seems to have recognized their silliness.

I guess the best way to put it for me is that my realization transformed my concerns. Not really causing depression or lifting it but rather changing its face.

[Guest Roxanna L]

Wow... I am dumb! I kept mentioning how things were intense and how I didn't have the engery to make replies and stay up to date on other's topics well that quote is exactly why. A few nights ago I found myself in tears because the reality struck that I am not okay, that I do need therapy and to address this, and that this path, what I percieve to be my path in transitioning is both the path of desolation and the path of elation.

It exist in the strictest of dualities. The desolation being the hardest part to face. How the acts I think/feel/believe are needed will cause me pain. We do not invite it, rather it is merely part of the experience. It is both hurtful and good that I began to view friends in terms of the chance I would have for acceptance. Particularly over this time at my parents' place because it is making me feel that my father would only be-grudgingly accepting of me.

The elation is that I truly feel and believe that this path will end the turmoil inside. I will get a sexuality that isn't a secret, I will get to express myself in all the ways that it has become apparent that I want to, and I will have a body that I wish for rather than one I simply have been given. That is not to say new turmoil won't arise as all those pretty molecules fist fight in my brain and shift my mentallity towards a female one but the end outcome of that is something I believe I would welcome as well.

To actually answer the question when I first said aloud to myself, "I am Orva and I'm a transsexual!" it was a wonderful feeling of relief, as if I could finally stop trying to dissect my thoughts and feelings. But when I quickly realized that wasn't the case, that now I would still have that same tendency but only with a shift I became depressed. It was like definitely more of a swaping of ominious clouds than their lifting. But now the thoughts I antagonize over are if I should begin transitioning, if doing it through HRT is right, etc. When the thoughts creep back, the ones like "This is all a compulsion" I am able to stop them, my mind seems to have recognized their silliness.

I guess the best way to put it for me is that my realization transformed my concerns. Not really causing depression or lifting it but rather changing its face.

First off, you're not dumb!

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you're venturing into limbo... But, as plenty of others around here told me, buyer's remorse is not uncommon at the start, or even half way; so, I wouldn't worry about it too much, right now. Best thing, I guess, is to find a therapist, yourself. (In your own time, and at your own pace, of course. This not something to recklessly barge in on...)

That same buyers remorse is slowly creeping up on me. Because I, too, realise that, as much I feel that transition has become a necessity, I can't help but wonder about the hardships that would be accompanying the process...

"In related news:" I think it's quite possible that my social anxiety (which has become nigh intolerable, as of late), is just a side effect. I intend to send my therapist an e-mail, tomorrow, to ask her advice about wether or not I should see another therapist, or a psychiatrist.

Anna

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WHOA

What a topic!

Let me answer with my view - having been beat the hell for two and fourth years of transition, and 61 years of gender dysphoria (oh - maybe the first 5 years weren't so bad - when I was a baby - GRIN):

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here goes...

Todays answer (tomorrow it may be different).

IT JUST IS!

I didn't chose it, it happened to me. I also have brown eyes... my lot in life.

BUT do I like it? HELL NO

Do I know anything different? No...

So you wrote... "I'm inclined to consider all this a mixed blessing, bordering on cursed..." - that's a good starting point I think. Some days it seems like a curse, some days - on good days - it seems... well... INTERESTING! A blessing? NEVER

Like the so called Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times!' Life has NOT been dull!

Anna? Life has been intersting for us, hasn't it!

LIZZY

[Guest Roxanna L]

WHOA

What a topic!

Thank you, Lizzy!

Let me answer with my view - having been beat the hell for two and fourth years of transition, and 61 years of gender dysphoria (oh - maybe the first 5 years weren't so bad - when I was a baby - GRIN):

Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here goes...

Todays answer (tomorrow it may be different).

IT JUST IS!

I didn't chose it, it happened to me. I also have brown eyes... my lot in life.

BUT do I like it? HELL NO

Do I know anything different? No...

Hm, I would have preferred to have a pair of cobalt blue's, instead I've got a pair of steel grey's... "S*** happens..."

So you wrote... "I'm inclined to consider all this a mixed blessing, bordering on cursed..." - that's a good starting point I think. Some days it seems like a curse, some days - on good days - it seems... well... INTERESTING! A blessing? NEVER

Like the so called Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times!' Life has NOT been dull!

Anna? Life has been intersting for us, hasn't it!

LIZZY

It has! I've already been through six kinds of hell in my childhood, so what else is new? What's so bad about going through a seventh kind, if I've already been through six...

By the way, I heard someone quote an 'ancient Egyptian blessing': "May God stand between you and harm, in all the empty places where you must walk...".

Now, I may not believe in gods (singular, nor plural), but I must say that phrase has a nice ring... And, besides; there's plenty of harm to go around...

(And please, no shouting... I've got a 'virtual head ache'...) Now where's the Aspirin?

Anna

[Guest]

Few realize the severe trauma that transgender people suffer from a very early age so young that some don't even remember. It is bad enough to realize that you are imprisoned in the wrong body at the age of 4 or 5. Yet to have your family not listen to you and in many cases supress who you really are by intimidation and fear is traumatic enough to cause many mental issues that are buried so deep it takes some 60 years to realize what happened to them. Don't forget that up until about two to three years ago Kids didn't transition because parents thought it was a phase or that they could scare their kids straight. Now The medical, Psychiatric and Psychological communities support and even encourage transition for school age Transgender children. Hormone blockers can be given at age ten to stop the devastating secondary characteristics of our born gender. These kids will be well adjusted and suffer none of the trauma that we have. The days of 60 and even seventy year old transgender people in transition will come to a close.

After one gets beaten up and ridiculed enough one tends to stop the cross gender behavior even though it's natural to us. Some even over compensate with males becoming macho, agreesive and even abusive and women becoming feminine to hide what we are. As the years go by our true selves become buried under layer after layer of self deception that we actually invented to disguise and protect ourselves.

When discovery comes it is a highly emotional "Epiphany" That brings most to tears and some to there knees. Suddenly things in the past make sense. By that time though people HAVE lives already that involve families, wives, husbands, children and even carreers. Unemployment among trans people has benn estimated as high as 70%. Some will have no choice but to transition depending on the severity. Others will not be able to transition due to money, health or family concerns. Some will delay transition until retirement age then discover that many SRS surgeons won't operate after age 60. More won't transition due to circumstances and realitites beyond their control. They will find other ways to cope. This is where a good therapist come in. Anyone who has had trauma or is thinking of drastically and irreversably altering their lives should seek professional help. This is only common sense.

The brain has a finite size and can only hold so much. Discovering who you are opens a door so you can finally clear out some of the junk. It allows you to make room for who you really are. The most important thing NOT to do is PANIC. There are alternatives to diving into the transition pool for many. One older person I know had severe gender dysphoria and severe medical issues. They couldn't take hormones or have surgery. The therapist solved this by getting the spouse to agree to more dressing time which allowed them to be themselves more often. It wasn't ideal but did help them cope. At least they weren't suicidal anymore.

Anyway the cure to all this is Early treatment before puberty. At least now we are moving in the right direction.

Laura

[Guest Roxanna L]

Thank you, Laura,

for your very informative post.

(this I mentioned in the religious forum)

I realised I wanted to be a girl at age six. As I believed (wholeheartedly) in God and all that bull****, I placed all my faith into that one wish. I prayed, and I went to bed. But nothing happened!! Yes, I had a nice dream I can still remember. (Not really vividly, any more. More just the feelings that came with it.) The wish was unfulfilled, and my faith ended as a puddle on the floor...

I didn't even bother to tell my parents... Never told them, either.

Anna

[JJ]

Thank you Laura. I am finding that there are more layers of denial and self deception than I ever dreamed. That epiphany indeed brought me elation but has been followed by many months of revelations. It was just the cover coming off and forcing me to look at what I am and have always been. Quite a journey that will not end soon regardless of whether I make any outward changes.

Anna, I too prayed every night for years and years. But have now lived long enough to know that the Higher Power does indeed listen and answer-but in it's time and way. I don't believe we have the skill to order the universe or be able to change it to our will without destroying more than we help. It is all too complicated and intricate. Besides what I prayed for was to be a boy-and admittedly for a long time didn't know what the difference was except I wasn't considered one-it was a more innocent time that way. But in fact I was praying to be what I already was. That higher power had already made me a boy-it was the rest of my body and the people around me that had it wrong. Just as you are a woman.

In that sense I agree we don't transition but rather adjust the apparent and conflicting characteristics of our physical body-when possible-to bring it into alignment with the controlling part. You can't transition from one gender to another-you can only adjust how you outwardly express gender to match the body with the brain. No matter how hard I tried-and it was a massive effort-I could never be a woman. I am a man, as I was already a boy when I prayed so hard to be one so long ago.

[Guest Orva26]

As the years go buy our true selves become buried under layer after layer of self deception that we actually invented to disguise ourselves.

*sniff*

This was good... well not the message but actually finding it right now.

One of my big concerns is that I never knew early on that something was wrong. I was actually pretty content as a kid. The nature of my discovery arouse from stopping and thinking, and it really took off when I began to think back. But even now I sometimes fear that I have only craftily connected the right dots and that I am really all wrong. There are experiences both in recent and distant past that make me believe/are logical and pointing to how I was so darn adaptable I manged to stay hidden from even myself until now. Reading things like the quote helps me because it gives me more confidence that, that is okay even though it is atypical.

[Guest Roxanna L]

*sniff*

This was good... well not the message but actually finding it right now.

One of my big concerns is that I never knew early on that something was wrong. I was actually pretty content as a kid. The nature of my discovery arouse from stopping and thinking, and it really took off when I began to think back. But even now I sometimes fear that I have only craftily connected the right dots and that I am really all wrong. There are experiences both in recent and distant past that make me believe/are logical and pointing to how I was so darn adaptable I manged to stay hidden from even myself until now. Reading things like the quote helps me because it gives me more confidence that, that is okay even though it is atypical.

You know, Orva,

that sounds about right, for me, too... Those thoughts about 'connecting the dots', et al...

I never was really bothered about living as boy, bullying, rejection issues, and God's nasty lack of judgement aside... My parents told me (from the start) that I was boy, and that was enough for me. The only reason I got hit with all this, is the fact I've been unemployed for the last four months (as of mid August). I simply have more free time, than I know what to do with... Had I not gotten fired, I would probably not really have been bothered about my AGP, yet...

There were plenty of points along the way, which I either got confused about, or that really just felt like odd quirks.

For example, as a youngster (in my zero's), I had the odd tendoncy (note 'tendon') that I kept walking around on the ('ball', plural; NOT 'testicles') of my feet, only. I never used my heels. This caused my Achilles' tendons to become too short, which required nightly stretching to make them long enough to make me use my heels... (Hmm, never really thought about that one, before... Could be that I tried to emulate the look walking on heels would have, though I'm not sure...)

And yes, no matter what you are, you are you; and nothing will ever change that. And I trust you, to be you.

Anna

Ps.: "Testicles of my feet"?! That filter gets to be a bit annoying, sometimes...

[Guest Orva26]

And yes, no matter what you are, you are you; and nothing will ever change that. And I trust you, to be you.

You know what? After reading that I am now going to skip ahead in True Selves and read the section about gender therapy. The book has been very much constructed to help others understand transsexualism and what better way to do that then by exhibiting mostly the typical expression of it? The girl trapped in a boy's body, the expression that doesn't fit or prehapse I don't know yet fits me who feels more the boy who should/wishes be a girl. I shouldn't force myself to nit-pick through those sections as I have been. Rather I'm going to concentrate on the ones that should help me more, the ones on transition and therapy.

-Orva

[Guest Roxanna L]

You know what? After reading that I am now going to skip ahead in True Selves and read the section about gender therapy. The book has been very much constructed to help others understand transsexualism and what better way to do that then by exhibiting mostly the typical expression of it? The girl trapped in a boy's body, the expression that doesn't fit or prehapse I don't know yet fits me who feels more the boy who should/wishes be a girl. I shouldn't force myself to nit-pick through those sections as I have been. Rather I'm going to concentrate on the ones that should help me more, the ones on transition and therapy.

-Orva

*Nearly choking on a cup of tea...*

As much as I'd like you to find your answers, I don't think it's a good idea to just skip parts. Just read it in order, without nitpicking. Just give it time to sink in, afterwards. Your unconscious mind also requires time to 'digest' such things.

*coffing*

It's just like recipes, you follow the proper order; otherwise, it may not be eddible...

*cleared the throat...*

Ahem! Anyway, when I get my copy, I intend to read it, front to back, in one go.

[JJ]

Sometimes it seems like we expect being transgendered to be like the flu with a specific set of symptoms that with differences of degree are the same for all of us. Maybe because we still tend to see this as an illness we have rather than a development in the brain caused by hormones. As such, the levels of the hormones and the times they were affecting our development are widely varied. In addition to that we are all socialized differently and have different environments as children, so each of us is actually unique. We share having bodies of one gender and identities to varying degrees of another gender. We share the psychological pain and social problems that causes, but the degree of identification varies as do the factors that determine when and how it will manifest. It really is a very broad spectrum.

Not identifying yourself until adolescence or even adulthood doesn't mean you aren't trans. It does make some things harder I think, because socialization and hormones have complicated the whole situation. Some of us knew we were different and why and fought it while others of us didn't realize and completely internalized all the gender socialization. Still others swung back and forth.. But that is why we need gender therapists.

Anna, you are doing the right things and following the right path. The fact that you suppressed these feelings or were unaware of them doesn't mean they are not real or that you are wrong for feeling them.. Looking back I can now see where I actually knew all my life, lived a dual life which I refused to even question or recognize, but I didn't identify the problem till I was 63. After the initial elation came this really uncomfortable time of questioning every thought and action. Male or female? Who was I? What was I? And feelings I never knew I had ambushed me numerous times. Still do actually.

But I have quit questioning. Quit feeling like I have to label everything. Come to accept. I think for many of us this questioning period of alternate denial and realization is a normal process. But a very uncomfortable one.

Basically I'm saying you can't use anyone else as a definition or roadmap to what you should be feeling or who you are. They can offer insights into what might come next or apply to you but it can also be different for you. Accept that the questioning is just a normal part of the process and will pass

This will all work out with your therapist so just take each moment, each day as it comes

John

[Guest Jenth]

Hi Anna.

I really enjoy reading your thought provoking posts. It's almost like reading my own mind, and I like knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with these thoughts.

Is it a curse? Yeah it is but if you look at curses they always have a useful silver lining. The Trans curse gives us a special view of the world. It forces us to question things that others take for granted and we are better people for it. It's all about perspective. If you can see the silver lining than even the worst of curses can improve your existence. Of course we all have different lives and different perspectives so the blessing in the curse is going to be a little different. The key to finding this blessing is to accept ourselves.

The questioning and dysphoria will likely persist for a long while yet. Answering each question as it comes up as truthfully as possible seems to me to be the only way to quench it. To that end I can only offer support and wish you luck.

With love,

Jenth

[Guest Elizabeth K]

This is the most AMAZING topic and set of replies I have read here on Laura's in such a long time!

GRAND discussion!

Lizzy

[Guest Just "B"]

Very interesting topic.

A friend and I were talking yesterday, and I blurted out "Why me?" She quickly retorted with, "Why NOT you?" It struck me deeply. All these years (I'm 44), I've been asking this same question, but never looked at it from this perspective. I have to be who I am, so I can be the most complete person vis-a-vis the ability to be 100% truthful in interaction/relationships with people. I feel like a fraud all the time. That includes:

-a failed engagement

-a failed marriage (diff. woman)

-dozens of failed relationships

And the list goes on. So, it can only be a a blessing. I'm weary of being a "spectre" in this world and disconnected on a myriad of levels. Many people will be hurt/angry/confused about my decision, but I will ultimately be a better person for it.

[Guest Deena]

I got some real thought stimulation from "Alice in genderland". Not so much his experiences, but the way the author dealt with his "problem" which wasn't a problem at all. Now, he didn't transition, but I like the way he came to the realization that he HAD to live as WHO HE WAS in order to be happy and whole. I think that is important.