Looking At My Life

[Guest meagan]

I post here more than anywhere as i know for sure that i cross dress and anything else is in the unknown area. So i will keep posting here until one day if/when i know i am more than a cross dresser. I have been thinking back on my life Looking to be sure of who I am if i could do such a thing. Being on Laura's has been like waking from a nice dreamy sleep to a loud BBBZZZZZTTTT! over and over. I wrote some quick notes and want to write them here again.

Approx. Age

5 -would play dress up in moms clothes. pantyhose, shoes, blouses. Destroyed lots of her make up and got yelled at.

-got caught with the 5 year old girl next door, us both naked and looking at our parts that did not match. I remember angry dads on both sides.

7 -Kids at school teased me for walking like a girl(playful, skipping) some older boys threw rocks at me and the older girls called me sissy.

-younger brothers began playing dress up with dads stuff. I still went for moms.

9-11 -Had some of moms dresses hidden away to use as night gowns

-Would go next door to Elaines to play with dolls, have tea parties, wear lipstick, wear ribbons or floral clips in our hair

-Mom died around this time (cancer)

12-14 -Got told to grow up and be a man by dad a lot.

-Gained lots of house work

-New school, new friends

-had no girl things anymore

15-16 -Life sucked, hated everything and failed school.

-Lost friends and made more. Learned to skateboard so i could hang out with my new friends and not feel left out

17-18 -friends failed to understand me. got called gay and fights happened. (words not fists)

-Lots of wondering why i lacked aggression and never acted tough. Was told i was to passive, compassionate and looking for understanding was time wasted.

19-20 -Moved out, failed at living on my own.

-First girlfriend and first kiss. No attraction to males

-began to spend more time talking with the girls and less time hanging with the guys being guys.

21 -Moved from hometown to live with dad.

-New school and new friends. Was labeled a weirdo and took advantage of it by coming to school in some girls dress pants and some nice tops. Still had mostly guy clothes.

-Passed off as weird stuff from weird guy.

22-23 -Moved out after finishing high school and went back to the old home town. Some old friends and lots more new friends.

-Old friends still called me sissy or gay, new ones put me in the weird category.

-Started to party a lot.

-spent more time drunk with the girls getting make overs, hair styled. Casey would dress me in her dresses and tights and parade me around town while we got high.

-Picked up lots of girls tops at Sally Ann, Was given 2 dresses, 3 tights and some Mary Janes and because i was again the weirdo, it was passed off as my thing. (Go party guy)

end of 23 -Arrested for drugs. Sent to go back to live with dad. Lost all my stuff, guy clothes and girl clothes.

-Still a weirdo to the friends i made finishing high school i was able to buy a few blouses and get away with wearing them.

24 -Finished community service, paid my fines and then moved from Ontario to B.C.

-Stopped partying

-Got a stable job

-New friends again, no more weirdo and so no more girl clothes

-Started painting women instead

-Had to act mature and be the man

25-30 -Still being the man and painting women.

-Started to notice all the pretty and cute things the girls wore and admired the clothes.

-Became closed in, private and semi antisocial.

31-37 -Lots of private time and started collecting womens clothes and dressing in private or outside after dark when no one was around.

-Discovered Laura's Playground and started to discover myself again

38 soon -Waits for b-day and the rest of life =)

Well, 4am. Time for bed, really just wanted to write this down for myself so i could think and cause opening a post is easier than digging out my private book from the "safe spot"