When Did You Know?

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Over the last few months I have been kind of working my way through one gender related issue after another, trying to understand some things, trying to forgive myself for some things. I'm 33 years old, and through my life up to this point, I spent a lot of energy both conciously and unconciously repressing my identity. I've had times over the years when I managed to come to terms with and even briefly be happy, albeit, secretly, with the part of myself that I think of as feminine. In truth, that part is virtually the whole, and looking back I feel very much that a lot of the person I have shown the world all this time was a fabrication created for and by a number of problems.

I think I spent a lot of time trying to be what everyone else clearly thought I was supposed to be. I'm not really sure it could be a called a need for acceptance so much as being confused about the fact that my feelings so contradicted the rest of reality : P I also got picked on and pushed around pretty much ceaseleslly until I was 15 or 16 years old, so I spent a lot of time trying to avoid more ridicule than I was already getting. I've gotten to be pretty good at being invisible over the years. I also think that for a very long time I just didn't have a clue how to express or explain what was "wrong" even if I had wanted to.

I told my counselor one time that I wish very much that I could have spoken to someone when I was 14 or 15 years old, but looking back at that time, there is absolutely no one in my life that I could have turned to, in school, at home, among my friends- nowhere.

A big part of the person that my friends and family have known all my life then, has been hidden, and the rest has been more like a mask, almost, like camouflage. I have always been a depressed, anxious, angry, and frustrated person too. So much of that has changed, slowly but surely, in the last year. I've had so many people, some of whom don't even know WHY, tell me that they are proud of me for the changes I've made- just in being more outgoing and more confident, in being happier and more focused.

It makes me wish that I could go back and have a long talk with myself, say, at about the age of 13 or so. How different things would have been.

But, anyway.. I'm not as bad about it now as I was, but there is still a part of me that laments that it took me so long to get here. I understand the reasons why only a little better than I did last October. And I can't help wondering- how often is it like that?

I've read some things, here and in books, and on other websites, where people talk about having a clear idea that their gender and their biology didn't match up at very young ages. I can think back to elementary school, pretty early, and NOW I can see the signs, but only in retrospect. I don't think I concisouly understood anything until I was probably 15 or 16, and I didn't make anything remotely like an attempt to assimilate it until I was 22. I tried really hard then and managed, pretty much, to utterly fail. So, another 10 years gone for nothing.

I am envious of people who manage to know AND to understand their situation early in life.

So, for the sake of discussion, I guess, I was wondering- how early did you know?

How long did it take you to be able to say it or express it? Did it ever make you feel bad about yourself? I ask the latter because there were periods in my life when my tendencies to repress my gender identity were driven primarily by feelings of shame, too. That was less and less the case as I got older, though. These days its a source of pride and happiness for me most of the time. Such a change...

But anyway, when you came to understand this about yourself, how hard was it to accept it? How long was it before you were able to tell someone else how you felt?

Maybe hearing some answers to these questions will give me some perspective.

I feel like waiting until I was almost 33 to get right with myself is something of a failure. Now there is kind of a sense of urgency to explore and understand. I don't want to look back ten years from now and be disappointed in the way I've conducted myself in the same way that I am disappointed with the last ten years of my life.

[Guest Michelle Rose]

You sound like i was when i was young

I knew inside me thast some thing was differant .basic same age you claim

I have faught with this for over 30 years I am 52 years old .

At first i thought i may be gay,but found out that wasnt so.

I am now seeing a theripist about this issue.

she says im Bi gendered.

In my past...

For all my life I also have been leading and doing a life that others wanted me to do.

I even joined the National guard be cause i couldnt pass the basic entrances test for the regular miltary

I never did sports for i thought they were silly and or barbaric.

But now i am doing so since im away from family an working temp in a field I love ,but I am also working in another job full time to pay the bills

so i FEEL Your stress

[Guest Snow Angel]

I didn't really 'find out' per se until I was 27. It might have been a lack of information or not being able to use the internet for TS resources. I had a few curiosities as a child, then the curiosities grew stronger from the ages of 16 to 26. Then at 27, it kind of exploded in my face. It came down to the decision of transition or die.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

I always worried about that, too. So many people talking about how they felt like a woman since they were a child. There were signs then, but I did not know what they were. I did not figure it out until I was almost 13, and it was pure luck. If I did not have the internet, I would have wondered a while longer. I think perhaps I would have figured it out by now, but only the very basics. For some reason, I have a difficult time realizing something until it is pointed out to me. Then I can think, expostulate, etc. In reality, most people do not figure it out until adolescence, but these people are also less likely to seek help because they are not sure if it is real.

Adrian

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

You sound like i was when i was young

I knew inside me thast some thing was differant .basic same age you claim

I have faught with this for over 30 years I am 52 years old .

At first i thought i may be gay,but found out that wasnt so.

I am now seeing a theripist about this issue.

she says im Bi gendered.

In my past...

For all my life I also have been leading and doing a life that others wanted me to do.

I even joined the National guard be cause i couldnt pass the basic entrances test for the regular miltary

I never did sports for i thought they were silly and or barbaric.

But now i am doing so since im away from family an working temp in a field I love ,but I am also working in another job full time to pay the bills

so i FEEL Your stress

Just from the few answers already, I have to say that I am really glad I asked. You know, one of the biggest problems with trying to adapt and grow in this situation is that there is no context. Most of us don't have "peers" through the hardest parts of it. Unlike most people, we get no cues from observing the people around us because they are not experiencing this turmoil, and I think a lot of us feel that we can't ask for help because it would be embarrassing or would lead to ridicule or being abandoned. So, we just have to make it up as we go along, and hopefully eventually we work it out. And yeah, as Mr. Fox says, I think for some it is hard even to know if what you're feeling is "real." Unlike many of the things we face in our young lives, there isn't even a decent vocabulary for this issue. I had no idea what to CALL it until fairly late in my life. Its a shame. I'm not particularly hung up on the idea of the universe being a "fair" place, but this really doesn't seem fair : P

You mention thinking early in your life that you might have been gay. I think despite everything that wasn't so much of an issue for me, personally, BUT, I can't tell you how many times in my life I have had to have the "Are you gay?" conversation with people. My parents, my friends, even my parent's friends have asked. I think its just that people are more sensitive than they know to the cues that a person doesn't fit their "role," even when that person is trying very hard, and just as young trans people don't necissarily have the "words" to describe it, these people, I think, don't either. Gay is as close as they can get to defining the difference they see in us. So, again and again I have replied that I was not, but was never properly able to explain to them what it was they sensed about me. I am finding that now that I am willing to have the discussion with people, they still have a hard time understanding the difference.

I was never into sports either. I'm still not. I can sort of understand why other people are, but they never had any appeal to me.

I was struck too by what Snow Angel said: that it was transition or die. That resonates with me, because my experience was much the same. Last year I just got so tired of hating myself, so tired of being confused, so tired of everything in my life feeling wrong, like everything that was normal for everyone else was stuck on permanent hold in my life. I'd felt that was for years and years and years, but I geuss there is just a limit, a threshold. You can be depressed, angry, confused, anxious and feel cut off from the world for so long before its just too much. I sat down one night, after several days of deep depression, and I just had this strange moment.

Looking back on it, I'm not even sure I understand what brought it on. I knew that I was closer to suicide than I had ever been before. There didn't seem to be any end in sight to the despair and apparent pointlessnes of things. But despite how I was feeling, I opened a notepad file on my computer, and I started typing. I just let everything out in words, all of the things that I was afraid of within myself, all of the things I was embarrassed by, all the truths: what I knew myself to be, what I really wanted, how I really felt. Its kind of sad that it only took about 15 minutes to put my whole life in perspective. Sad, because it took me 20 years to actually sit down and spend that 15 minutes.

For a week or two after having just bluntly confronted things, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I mean, ultra, ultra happy. I thought everything was "fixed." It took me another two months to realize that just accepting the situation did not necissarily equate with "fixing" it. When you spend your whole life not being yourself, being afraid and confused, then I guess its fair to say you are going to rack up some issues along the way. : P So, I have been learning that this is a process. Not just to fix the percieved incongruancies in the flesh, but to repair the mind and the spirit too.

And now I feel like, basically, I have been set back to about the age of 15-17, like now its time to learn the things that people usually learn and come to understand when they are in their late teens: how to have relationships and relate to other people as an adult. How to find or make a place for yourself in the world.

I am grateful for the "second" chance, but I am also sometimes frustrated by the loss of all that time. I still wish I had done better, been less afraid. But seeing that others have been similarly confused and have taken a long time to come to understand it too, helps.

Sorry for the long ramble. Eventually I will probably stop going on and on like this. Its just that I am so happy to finally have people to talk to who understand. Its the biggest relief.

[Guest Chrissy31947]

I knew there was something wrong around the age of eight when my little sister and I were separated and given our own bedrooms. Until that age we slept in the same bed, bathed together and played with both trucks and dolls. I had no idea we were different.

I knew I was probably transgendered by age 12 or so. I got caught in moms clothes and she handled that badly. I started hiding and experiencing shame from this. I developed ways to overcompensate and started my lifelong fight with myself.

At around my late 20's I went to my first shrink. I told him I was transsexual and he disagreed. He said I was just gay. He told me to get some frilly disco clothes and go out and have a gay time. So I did.

Worst experience of my life. The more I tried, the worse I felt. I felt very hollow and finally drove myself deep into the closet, clear to the back behind everything. I had won a battle against myself, but paid a high price.

Last spring after shamefull seceretive crossdressing. I couldn't continue. I went back into therapy with a chip on my shoulder expecting the worst. Was I really just gay and unable to handle that reality?

I confronted my therapist with my story, and after about 4 hours with her, she looked me in the eye and said "you may or may not be gay. What you are is a transsexual, in fact your a classic transsexual!

Great! Now my pain had a name! Big Deal huh! What happened next was the realization I had to act on the diagnosis.

I had been fighting with myself tooth and nail all my life, refusing to admit to myself I was transsexual, even though I knew all along.

I spent the summer coming out to myself which was a gut wrenching, emotional, red eye, wet the pillow time. When I was finally able to admit to myself I really was a woman and be comfortable with it, my first thought was, girl, your really stupid wasting your life refusing to be yourself. I discussed this with my therapist and my support group and now just dismiss that period as part of my journey.

I also am very thankful to that guy who sacrificed his life building such a wonderful foundation from which I can grow. I have lost the shame and replaced it with pride in myself. I used to get embarrassed at the drop of a hint, now its really hard to embareass me, as I'm so proud of who I am and shockingly, who I was, and what he accomplished for me all these years.

My therapist proved to me through my actions that I wasn't gay either. I made a statement one day about how transsexuals are born with the "hard wire" gender-sex mismatch, and stated gay life is a lifestyle choice. She said "YOUR BUSTED!"

Huh?

She continued on, "you tried hard to be gay and despite your honest effort, could not. So you just proved being gay is another form of a hard wiring being formed before birth."

Wow, I was, like the clumsy dummy I can be, misinformed.

I know now that being gay is not a learned lifestyle, and most importantly, is not "catching".

Its bred in even before birth, just as being transgendered is.

Hugs, Chrissy

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Great! Now my pain had a name! Big Deal huh! What happened next was the realization I had to act on the diagnosis.

I had been fighting with myself tooth and nail all my life, refusing to admit to myself I was transsexual, even though I knew all along.

I spent the summer coming out to myself which was a gut wrenching, emotional, red eye, wet the pillow time. When I was finally able to admit to myself I really was a woman and be comfortable with it, my first thought was, girl, your really stupid wasting your life refusing to be yourself. I discussed this with my therapist and my support group and now just dismiss that period as part of my journey.

I also am very thankful to that guy who sacrificed his life building such a wonderful foundation from which I can grow. I have lost the shame and replaced it with pride in myself. I used to get embarrassed at the drop of a hint, now its really hard to embareass me, as I'm so proud of who I am and shockingly, who I was, and what he accomplished for me all these years.

Thanks for sharing all of that- particularly this last bit, because its a beautiful bit of insight.

I think I'm slowing getting to the point where I can forgive myself for all the wasted time, all of the unnecissary pain, and all of the angry acting-out that came with refusing to acknowledge or understand. Looking at as a "part of the journey" is a good thing, I think.

Incidentally, I feel your pain over getting caught with the clothes. I never got caught with clothes, though that was mostly luck, but I got busted with the make up when I was in 8th grade. I tried to lie my way out of it, but :::laughs::: A) I am not a good liar, and it would have been a lost cause even if I HAD been. It was just entirely too obvious what was going on. I had actually been experimenting in that way for a long time, and I realised later that my oldest niece had gotten in trouble over my mom's make up one time- because of me. I don't know if she would remember that, now, but I still feel bad about it. Mom just knew someone had been into it, and that was at least a year before she caught me.

And, of course, the only thing she could think to ask me was if I was gay.

I think people could stand to use some education- both for the sake of parents of transsexuals and for the kids themselves. Maybe if it wasn't so hard to figure out WHAT the problem is, it wouldn't take so long to get our lives on track and get out of the pain cycle. Everyone has some idea what it means to be gay. I know that doesn't mean that its easy to grow up that way in our society, but at least there is a context for it, and at least when you decide to tell people, they know what you are talking about : P

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

For me, I think I knew I wanted to be male for most of my life. I always, always wanted boy's toys and clothes and played boy's roles in games. One reason I think I didn't seek out help sooner is because my family was pretty accepting of my eccentricities. However, on the other hand, they wouldn't have been so okay with me actually saying that I wanted to be male. I don't know. My family is really accepting of some stuff and not others.

Don't feel bad about just getting things figured out now. I'm right with you on that one. I'm 30 and you'd think I would have stood up to my family by now...but I'm just now gearing up to do that. My family is very conservative, so I've spent all this time trying to pose as a heterosexual female...a sorry excuse for one, but still. I've always known that I preferred to be with women and that I prefer a male role. Only recently have I realized that I don't have to sit here and "settle". I can be the man I have always wanted to be. Now I have all this work to do. I need to figure out where I start and the accommodations and attempts to please others end.

For me, the real "ah ha!" moment came about 3 or 4 months ago. I was sitting alone one night and started really thinking about my life what I want, and who I want to be. One thing led to another and I started googling different trans web sites and ended up here. It's been so liberating for me! Even though I'm not out to anyone yet (I'm about to be out to one person very shortly), I already feel more free! I've started to buy different clothes and let myself be free to act the way I feel like.

So, in response to your question about how long it took to come to this point. I'd say that it was really like 10 years or so. I've been thinking about trans things on and off for about that long. Before now, I'd always come to the point where life circumstances would sufficiently distract me so I could ignore it a little longer. Either that or my "religious conditioning" would get in the way. I'd convince myself that indulging that part of my identity was a choice I didn't have to make and that I needed to try harder to be a good little girl. This most recent time, the urge hit me with a renewed urgency and I knew there was no turning back.

The problem now is that I am rapidly approaching that "transition or die" point that Snow Angel mentions. The more I express my true identity, the more I want my body to fall in line with it...the more I want the world to see me as male. It's hard to explain. My therapist says that many TS people get to this "bursting through the seams" point where we can't keep it in any longer. For me, once I let go of some of the controls I had in place, everything else just wants to break free. I am facing losing my family and friends over this, yet I still feel like I have to do it. I can't go on any longer like I am.

So, I guess I've accepted the idea that I am FTM and am perfectly comfortable with it. The only reason I am not out and proud is because I am afraid of what will happen at school and with my family and friends. Within myself I am finally at peace. I finally have the answer I was looking for.

Anyway, I guess I feel like I understand where you are coming from. Message me anytime if you ever want to talk through things. I could go on and on about how realizing my true identity has made positive changes in me, but I'll cut it off here.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

So, in response to your question about how long it took to come to this point. I'd say that it was really like 10 years or so. I've been thinking about trans things on and off for about that long. Before now, I'd always come to the point where life circumstances would sufficiently distract me so I could ignore it a little longer. Either that or my "religious conditioning" would get in the way. I'd convince myself that indulging that part of my identity was a choice I didn't have to make and that I needed to try harder to be a good little girl. This most recent time, the urge hit me with a renewed urgency and I knew there was no turning back.

The problem now is that I am rapidly approaching that "transition or die" point that Snow Angel mentions. The more I express my true identity, the more I want my body to fall in line with it...the more I want the world to see me as male. It's hard to explain. My therapist says that many TS people get to this "bursting through the seams" point where we can't keep it in any longer. For me, once I let go of some of the controls I had in place, everything else just wants to break free. I am facing losing my family and friends over this, yet I still feel like I have to do it. I can't go on any longer like I am.

So, I guess I've accepted the idea that I am FTM and am perfectly comfortable with it. The only reason I am not out and proud is because I am afraid of what will happen at school and with my family and friends. Within myself I am finally at peace. I finally have the answer I was looking for.

Anyway, I guess I feel like I understand where you are coming from. Message me anytime if you ever want to talk through things. I could go on and on about how realizing my true identity has made positive changes in me, but I'll cut it off here.

Wow...

Yeah, its been about ten years for me too, as far as trying in any substantial way to accept it conciously. I first told a friend back in early 1998. It was my first feeble attempt to accept things. That went fine, but as you say, life distracts. I wasn't ready, and I actually did more harm than good internally, I think. So, off and on for the last ten years, I've fought and resigned, back and forth without much progress- until I too reached the "transition or die" stage last year. Reading all of these posts is kind of a watershed moment for me. Its amazing to hear other people speak of the experiences that I too have had.

As for telling people, I started back in November. I mean, technically, the first time was a long time ago, but since I had pretty much decided it was make or break this time, I took the serious plunge this time. I started with an open minded on-line friend that I have known for several years. She sort of precipitated the conversation, but it actually took me two days to get the courage to say it. Then, the scariest of them all was talking to my best friend. He and I have known each other for half my life, almost. We do everything together, and his friendship means the absolute world to me. He too is a very open-minded person, but it was still tough. We talked through most of one night. Actually, I did most of the talking. He ended up just making a really off-color, but funny remark and giving me a hug. Since then he has made every effort a person can make to accomodate me, including buying me a book recently on the subject. He read it first before he gave it to me, too, because, as he said, he wanted to understand.

I didn't talk to my mom until after I had been in counseling for about a month or so. She knew I was going and both she and my dad knew I was working on dealing with something important, but not what. I was afraid that in telling her who I felt myself to be, I would sort of be taking something away from her. She seemed relieved, actually, because she had been worried about the reason I was going to counseling. I don't believe though, that she ever understood what I told her really. We've talked about it since then, too, but its almost as if there isn't really room in her universe for the concept. ::laughs:: She has not expressed any concern or said anything hurtful. Nothing in our relationship has changed. I just don't think it necissarily means anything to her. Now, how she would feel if I had more immediate plans to "fix" my body, or to legally change my name I cannot say. These are things I need to come to terms with myself before I ask anyone else to go through them with me though.

I never talked to my dad. I love him, and we have a much better relationship now than we ever have had in my life. But something, instinct maybe, tells me that its not time. It might not ever be time for that. My counselor tended to agree with that asessment, too, so maybe there's something to it. Pretty much everyone else... one person at a time.... we all got through it. No one blinked, really, either because it didn't mean anything in particular to them or because, and this is important, I think: they weren't surprised. I had at least a couple of my friends tell me that it was no surprise to them at all and didn't change thier perspective for that reason.

One of my friends, recently, just out of the blue told me, and I qoute: "never stop. ever. you are on the right path, even though you feel like you are 4-wheeling "

Another told me: "I like who you are."

The last was said in the context of a discussion about me worrying that I was giving people undue stress with the changes in my life. It meant more to me than almost anything anyone has ever said.

Thanks for the offer to message. I extend the same- particulary with reference to revealing yourself to your family and friends. I know how scary that is, and I've been through it. Several times. ::laughs:: I hope it goes as well for you as it did for me.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

It sounds like your coming out process went relatively smoothly. I can only hope mine goes as well.

I'm going to take you up on that message/advice offer. I haven't told anyone yet and am scared to death. It seemed like I needed to really sort things out for myself before diving in and telling people. In fact, I'm going to come out to my best friend tonight. We'll see how she takes it. I am so afraid that I wrote everything out in a Word document and am emailing it to her right now. That way I can't back out at the last minute (which is what I did the last 2 times I tried to bring it up).

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I know about that fear..

I had to write a letter the first time too.

An on-line friend knew that something was going on in my life and asked me a question one night. I had felt so good for a couple of weeks because I had finally "accepted" myself after so many years of being my own worst enemy, and I really thought I had a handle on all of it. Then when she asked me the simple question- basically, what it is thats going on in your life thats so revolutionary- I found that I was absolutely terrified to answer her. So, I told her that even though I knew it wasnt really healthy, I probably wasnt really in a place to reply and maybe we could talk about it later.

But that started the doom spiral of shame. Because, if I had really been in the place I had thought I was, I wouldn't have been so reticent to talk. Or thats how I felt at the time. I think actually that being afraid is pretty normal under the circumstances. But I was actually more afraid of sinking back into my own shame and unhappiness than I was of how she might react, so after two days of mortal fear, I just wrote her a really long letter and explained everything to her.

I was still afraid the next time I talked to someone though. ::laughs:: I think it does get easier. I could look most people in the face right now and tell them without worrying too much, but I still have my threshold for expression. You have to take it in steps and give yourself time to heal and absorb the change in your life. Talk to someone you trust. When you learn, as I hope you will, that a real friend is likely to be more accepting of you than even you have been, things will improve that you didn't expect to improve, probably. Thats how it was for me, anyway. Seeing that the people I cared about didn't regard me as a "bad" or "flawed" person made it easier to see myself that way.

And it was good for me, too, because once my friends knew it, I couldn't put the genie back in the bottle. I had done that over and over and over as long as it was mine and only mine. I could almost get to the point of accepting it and then let it get away, and I did for years. But now, its "out there." It wouldn't serve any purpose to try to deny it now, because it cannot be hidden any more.

I truly hope things go well for you. And yes, if you need to talk, lets do.

Either way, let us know how things fair for you, ok?

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

So far I am still waiting. The discussion with my best friend has unfolded more slowly than I would have liked. She's going to read the letter tonight. Fingers crossed...

I ran across a cool Dr. Seuss quote that I'd like to share. My friend has it hanging on her bulletin board. Here it is:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

Nifty, huh?

On another subject, thinking back to your original post when you talked about how a lot of people say they had a clear idea that their gender and biology didn't match up from an early age. Looking back, I feel like I have always known, but I don't think that is completely accurate. When I look back, what I see is colored with the knowledge and realizations I have now. When I was growing up, I probably just had a vague sense of confusion and of things "not being quite right". I do remember clearly being really jealous of boys and of feeling angry any time we split into boy/girl groups, like for gym class. Other than that, it isn't like I really knew I was TS, not in the way I do now.

Back when I was growing up, you too I guess, there weren't as many resources for TS people. If you grew up in a smaller city, which I did, the resources were probably even more sparse. The only way I could have gotten help at a younger age would have been if one of my parents had been educated about transgender issues. Getting treatment early would have saved me years of low self-esteem and self-loathing.

I know about that fear..

I had to write a letter the first time too.

An on-line friend knew that something was going on in my life and asked me a question one night. I had felt so good for a couple of weeks because I had finally "accepted" myself after so many years of being my own worst enemy, and I really thought I had a handle on all of it. Then when she asked me the simple question- basically, what it is thats going on in your life thats so revolutionary- I found that I was absolutely terrified to answer her. So, I told her that even though I knew it wasnt really healthy, I probably wasnt really in a place to reply and maybe we could talk about it later.

But that started the doom spiral of shame. Because, if I had really been in the place I had thought I was, I wouldn't have been so reticent to talk. Or thats how I felt at the time. I think actually that being afraid is pretty normal under the circumstances. But I was actually more afraid of sinking back into my own shame and unhappiness than I was of how she might react, so after two days of mortal fear, I just wrote her a really long letter and explained everything to her.

I was still afraid the next time I talked to someone though. ::laughs:: I think it does get easier. I could look most people in the face right now and tell them without worrying too much, but I still have my threshold for expression. You have to take it in steps and give yourself time to heal and absorb the change in your life. Talk to someone you trust. When you learn, as I hope you will, that a real friend is likely to be more accepting of you than even you have been, things will improve that you didn't expect to improve, probably. Thats how it was for me, anyway. Seeing that the people I cared about didn't regard me as a "bad" or "flawed" person made it easier to see myself that way.

And it was good for me, too, because once my friends knew it, I couldn't put the genie back in the bottle. I had done that over and over and over as long as it was mine and only mine. I could almost get to the point of accepting it and then let it get away, and I did for years. But now, its "out there." It wouldn't serve any purpose to try to deny it now, because it cannot be hidden any more.

I truly hope things go well for you. And yes, if you need to talk, lets do.

Either way, let us know how things fair for you, ok?

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

So far I am still waiting. The discussion with my best friend has unfolded more slowly than I would have liked. She's going to read the letter tonight. Fingers crossed...

I ran across a cool Dr. Seuss quote that I'd like to share. My friend has it hanging on her bulletin board. Here it is:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

Nifty, huh?

On another subject, thinking back to your original post when you talked about how a lot of people say they had a clear idea that their gender and biology didn't match up from an early age. Looking back, I feel like I have always known, but I don't think that is completely accurate. When I look back, what I see is colored with the knowledge and realizations I have now. When I was growing up, I probably just had a vague sense of confusion and of things "not being quite right". I do remember clearly being really jealous of boys and of feeling angry any time we split into boy/girl groups, like for gym class. Other than that, it isn't like I really knew I was TS, not in the way I do now.

Back when I was growing up, you too I guess, there weren't as many resources for TS people. If you grew up in a smaller city, which I did, the resources were probably even more sparse. The only way I could have gotten help at a younger age would have been if one of my parents had been educated about transgender issues. Getting treatment early would have saved me years of low self-esteem and self-loathing.

I've seen the Dr. Suess qoute somewhere, and of course this is the context I've always taken it in ::laughs:: It is a good and very appropriate statement.

As for the age of realisation, my counselor and I talked about that a little bit. We identified, in one particularly inspiring and amazing moment, what he referred to as a "surrogate." Basically, its another tendency I have had and can clearly remember having since I was very young- something I identify as one of my first memories. And while it isn't at all a gender related issue, it is an issue that points to a very clear awareness of "differentness" going all the way back to my first years. He speculated that this other issue took the place of the sense of differentness- that I was aware from a young age that "something" wasn't "right," but that I lacked the capacity to identify the core issue until later in life. The way it came up in counseling was an insight in itself, and I really do tend to agree with him.

But really, the first serious, concious clues didn't come to me until I was around 16 or so. There had been other signs before that, but the main one was an amazing dream I had. I'll never forget it. It made me question everything. But that wasn't enough either, and I think I was too distracted. So, yeah, looking back on life, there are things that I can see now too. Prominent things that suggest themselves to my memory, but had no context at the time. I can't say, but I expect thats normal. I do believe that maybe some people do catch on a lot earlier. Maybe some even know when they are 5 or 6. I've seen people make such claims. And we clearly have some teen transsexuals here that are very clear about their condition.

I thought about that today. It must be hard to face that during those years, when everything seems like its in a state of flux and you can really sense that life is about to change in so many ways. But I find I am still envious of those who have that clarity at such a young age. Talking to others makes me less inclined to beat myself up over it- apparently its not uncommon to need time to get in the "right" place to understand this. But its hard to shake the notion that the intervening years might have been better spent if I had dealt with my feelings at a younger age.

Anyway, with regards to your letter: give it time. I know its hard to wait. I think it would still be hard for me now to have to wait to see how someone I cared about felt about these things. But it might take time, you know? Look how long it took us just to accept ourselves. Other people have to process too.I sure hope that everything goes well, and I just believe it will. You're very well spoken, so I imagine that your communication will be clear and understandable, and this person is your friend, so hopefully they will care enough to know that they've been blessed to come to know you better. And thats maybe the hardest but best way to look at things, huh? I mean, this is the moment in our lives when we are getting to reintroduce ourselves, as complete people, to those we love. As hard as it is, it should, SHOULD be a moment of happiness for everyone.

Hang in there, ok?

[Guest Sheila]

hi, i knew that i wanted to be a girl at about 5 years old. when i was about 12, i heard about the surgery. i knew then that that is what i wanted. i think it was more fear than shame that retarded my growth. that fear is now gone. it feels like i have to come out and transition with the upmost urgency. i've always accepted who i am. i want to be a girl and have always accepted myself as such. my sister knew i wore dresses when i was 5 but didn't tell her of my desire to be a woman until i was about 18. i'm 50 and disabled and feel now is the time or i'll never live my dream of being a woman. holding my feelings back for the last eight years has made this a top priority as the urge and drive have come back tenfold. instead of fighting these feelings i'm going to go with the flow. i'm hardwired to be this way and feel there must be a reason for this and need to see this to the end.

sheila

[Guest citymermaid]

First of all, Isobelle, you should never feel like a failure. You have come along way, and realizing your true identity is something to be proud of regardless of age. I am going on 24 myself and just last year I finally came to terms that I am indeed transgendered and am looking into the possibility of sexual reassignment surgery. I honestly thing that this is something you don't first touch on seriously until in your 20s since being a teenager is full of a whole lot more problems. Ever since middle school I knew I was attracted to men and assumed I must be gay. Coming out as gay was hard enough though luckily most my friends and a good number of my family accepted it. It was only last year, during a LGBT support group seminar, that I realized I was not truly gay...that different things started to click together and make sense....that in fact I am really a straight woman inside. One of the hardest things for me to accept now, a year later when all my friends and family know, is that I won't be starting to truly live life until I am close to 30. Just starting over at 30 seems scary, but we must both remember we are lucky. Some people spend their entire lives figuring out who they are, and we are here getting a head start. 30 is only old to teenagers but very young to a 90 year old woman. Age is subjective. Be proud you have finally connected things and learned about an important part of yourself.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

First of all, Isobelle, you should never feel like a failure. You have come along way, and realizing your true identity is something to be proud of regardless of age. I am going on 24 myself and just last year I finally came to terms that I am indeed transgendered and am looking into the possibility of sexual reassignment surgery. I honestly thing that this is something you don't first touch on seriously until in your 20s since being a teenager is full of a whole lot more problems. Ever since middle school I knew I was attracted to men and assumed I must be gay. Coming out as gay was hard enough though luckily most my friends and a good number of my family accepted it. It was only last year, during a LGBT support group seminar, that I realized I was not truly gay...that different things started to click together and make sense....that in fact I am really a straight woman inside. One of the hardest things for me to accept now, a year later when all my friends and family know, is that I won't be starting to truly live life until I am close to 30. Just starting over at 30 seems scary, but we must both remember we are lucky. Some people spend their entire lives figuring out who they are, and we are here getting a head start. 30 is only old to teenagers but very young to a 90 year old woman. Age is subjective. Be proud you have finally connected things and learned about an important part of yourself.

Beautifully siad, and I completely agree.

I do feel fortunate in a way, because I realise that it could have been different. If it hadn't gotten so hard to deal with, I might have managed to repress it for another 10 or 20 years. That would not have been good. I've lived in a protective shell of defense mechanisms and isolation for most of my life because I didn't know how to cope with these things, or thought I didn't, anyway. I can't imagine what a mess my life would have been if I'd continued down that road for another two decades. As it is, I feel like I am having to learn all the basic human interaction skills that most people have by the time they're 20.

But because it had become such a source of stress emotionally and psycologically, and even physically (I have had chronic, terrible asthma attacks for over two years, almost ever day. Medicine wasn't helping at all. I faced these issues and... surprise- my asthma went away- it was stress induced panic, and I never even realized it until it was "cured" almost over night) had I not managed to deal with it, it would have killed me, either slowly with the panic attacks, or quickly with suicide.

So, yes, late though it might be, I am glad to be done with what I consider to be the "worst" of it.

Where the road goes from here, I don't know, exactly. But at least I know it goes _somewhere_.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

hi, i knew that i wanted to be a girl at about 5 years old. when i was about 12, i heard about the surgery. i knew then that that is what i wanted. i think it was more fear than shame that retarded my growth. that fear is now gone. it feels like i have to come out and transition with the upmost urgency. i've always accepted who i am. i want to be a girl and have always accepted myself as such. my sister knew i wore dresses when i was 5 but didn't tell her of my desire to be a woman until i was about 18. i'm 50 and disabled and feel now is the time or i'll never live my dream of being a woman. holding my feelings back for the last eight years has made this a top priority as the urge and drive have come back tenfold. instead of fighting these feelings i'm going to go with the flow. i'm hardwired to be this way and feel there must be a reason for this and need to see this to the end.

sheila

Well, I really do believe that some people have that kind of insight even at a young age. I myself have no doubt of any kind whatsoever that I was _different_ at that young of an age- that these issues were already at work. But I didn't catch on for some time. And even when I figured it out, it took me another 10 years to get to the point where I could stop resisting and start living.

So, you're one of the ones that knew clearly at a very young age. Because of things I had read, I had expected to have more people respond as you did when I posted this question. I had been under the impression that MOST transsexuals had that kind of self awareness early in life.

I think that there are a lot of variables involved in this equation though. Environment is almost certainly one of them. I think an interesting study could be done to see if there are not identifiable environmental factors involved in how early a person comes out, both to themselves and to others.

Personally, I expressed my "differentness" and found refuge in another kind of behavior, and I think that retarded my progress as well. It helped me to get by, but it also meant that I basically spent a lot of my life trying to cure a "head ache" by treating it as it if was problem with my foot. ::laughs::

My thing was distancing myself from humanity, in general. I always wanted to be an animal, particularly a fox (and thus the name I use here. : P) Thats still a part of myself that I honor, but I understand it better now. What I respected about wild animals was their intrinisic connection to their world. They are a part of something, integral to their ecology. They also simply ARE. I don't believe that the have to concern themselves as much with the complexities of social interaction that we do as humans. There is simplicity in their world, and there is, at least from the outside, a sense of belonging to something larger. These things appealed to me because I couldn't find them in my own life. In a very real way, up until quite recently, I have not been either male or female- at least not in a functional social capacity. And there is powerful friction in that situation - that wanting to have a place in the world and not being able to figure out where you fit into it.

People look at you and expect you to conform to their ideal for what a male is, but inside you yourself feel that you conform to the opposite ideal. It might be "troubling" to feel that way so much if our society didn't put such emphasis on the male/ female dichotomy. If, perhaps, we acknowledged, as a society, that people can exist psycologically at various places on that spectrum and that its NORMAL for people to be that way, then people like ourselves would have a "place" to fit into the grand scheme of things. As it is, we seem to live in fear and confusion for years until we eventually gravitate very strongly and permanently to one polar extreme or the other in the gender spectrum. Then we feel compelled to find a way to give our inside selves an "appropriate" outward manifestation. To me it feels like a process of trying, at last, to fit into the dichotomy. And I'm ok with that. But I think that a big part of the problem is that the dichotomy itself is just false. It isn't as inherent to nature as humans would like to think it is.

Nature makes biological females that feel like women and biological females that feel more like men. Nature makes biological males that feel like men and biological males that feel like women. And nature also makes people who are biologically male AND female. I don't think these are necissarily "mistakes." Theyre just things that nature DOES. I have read a lot about various theories regarding how the pre-natal condition may result in a differnt combinations of biology and identity. I'm not sure there is any certainty about the matter yet, but it just seems to me that the way I am is one of the ways that a person can be. Its not a disease or a mistake. I didn't get dropped in my head or made to be this way by a cosmic accident. ::laughs::

I guess I've gotten off the point a bit, but its an interesting subject, and I just wonder- why do some people who are strongly predisposed to identify with the opposite gender figure it out earlier than others, when looking back even someone like me, who took 33 years to get to this point, can SEE that the signs were always there? What impedes the progress of some? Like I said, its probably a lot of things. We are all different. We all approach life in our own ways and with different circumstances.

I just think, thank God, you know, that we DO eventually work this out, and that there is help for us.

I want to ask, and I hope that its not too personal.. if it is, don't answer, of course: what was it that prevented you from persuing reassignment earlier in life? The question interests me mainly because I am working my way through through a very gradual process of deciding what I need in my own life. There is a sense of urgency, stimulated by the need to get on with living and being happy- just like there seems to be with everyone here- but I am trying to take the time to understand everything so that I can say to myself exactly what I need with certainty. Do I need SRS? Or can I be happy with something less- changing my name, changing my lifestyle, just learning how to be myself as much as I can without surgery? These are the things I am asking myself these days, and right now the answer literally depends on the day I am asked.

Anyway, I'll quit now. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I thought about that today. It must be hard to face that during those years, when everything seems like its in a state of flux and you can really sense that life is about to change in so many ways. But I find I am still envious of those who have that clarity at such a young age. Talking to others makes me less inclined to beat myself up over it- apparently its not uncommon to need time to get in the "right" place to understand this. But its hard to shake the notion that the intervening years might have been better spent if I had dealt with my feelings at a younger age.

Anyway, with regards to your letter: give it time. I know its hard to wait. I think it would still be hard for me now to have to wait to see how someone I cared about felt about these things. But it might take time, you know? Look how long it took us just to accept ourselves. Other people have to process too.I sure hope that everything goes well, and I just believe it will. You're very well spoken, so I imagine that your communication will be clear and understandable, and this person is your friend, so hopefully they will care enough to know that they've been blessed to come to know you better. And thats maybe the hardest but best way to look at things, huh? I mean, this is the moment in our lives when we are getting to reintroduce ourselves, as complete people, to those we love. As hard as it is, it should, SHOULD be a moment of happiness for everyone.

Hang in there, ok?

I'm coping with a lot of feelings of regret right now about not confronting my transgendered feelings when I was younger. I keep feeling like if I had been braver back when I was 18 to 20, things would be easier now. A lot of the teens around here seem to have a lot less doubt and a lot more self-insight than I did at that age. I wish there had been an internet site like this when I was a teen, but there really wasn't a mainstream internet back then. Still, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. With the conservative family background I come from, I guess I'm lucky to be able to accept who I really am at all. There are probably others out there that are still suffering in silence.

Ah...the letter...I just posted a thread about that. It went pretty well, for the most part. Things are a little weird between us right now, but I also feel like we have grown closer. When some time has passed and she's had time to digest things, I think our friendship will be stronger for it. Back in 2002, when we became a couple, it was hard to adjust to looking at her as more than a friend. After we stopped being a couple 4 years ago, it was hard to go back to thinking about her as "just a friend". In fact, I'm still working on that one now. I think she'll get used to knowing me as a man, in time. Our friendship has endured a lot and always ended up stronger as a result. I think that the changes that the future bring will only bring us closer.

You are very well-spoken too! I like reading your posts. Thanks for the complement!

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I'm coping with a lot of feelings of regret right now about not confronting my transgendered feelings when I was younger. I keep feeling like if I had been braver back when I was 18 to 20, things would be easier now. A lot of the teens around here seem to have a lot less doubt and a lot more self-insight than I did at that age. I wish there had been an internet site like this when I was a teen, but there really wasn't a mainstream internet back then. Still, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. With the conservative family background I come from, I guess I'm lucky to be able to accept who I really am at all. There are probably others out there that are still suffering in silence.

Ah...the letter...I just posted a thread about that. It went pretty well, for the most part. Things are a little weird between us right now, but I also feel like we have grown closer. When some time has passed and she's had time to digest things, I think our friendship will be stronger for it. Back in 2002, when we became a couple, it was hard to adjust to looking at her as more than a friend. After we stopped being a couple 4 years ago, it was hard to go back to thinking about her as "just a friend". In fact, I'm still working on that one now. I think she'll get used to knowing me as a man, in time. Our friendship has endured a lot and always ended up stronger as a result. I think that the changes that the future bring will only bring us closer.

You are very well-spoken too! I like reading your posts. Thanks for the complement!

Yeah, I've noticed kids these days seem to be further along than I was at their age- in just about every respect. Its a different world. In some respects I envy them and in some they have my sympathy : P

I am glad that your friend took things well. I expect that you are right about things being better for it in the long run. I've known my friend Justin now for half my life, and he was the second person I spoke to. He took it well, really well. He has been as honest, I think as he can be, and that has meant, a couple of times, showing some distress. He has expressed the concern at least once that he will somehow "lose" me as I find myself. What I need for him and everyone else to understand is that they can't really lose what they never had. In many ways, this is the first time that my friends and family have ever had even an adequate opportunity to truly know me. I could say the same for myself - I too am learning about who I am.

I personally appreciate his candor and his willingness to adress this thing and to learn about it, to ask questions, even to read books about it on his own. He wants to understand, and in so doing he is helping me not to be alone as I seek my own answers. His own moments of doubt are both understandable and also appreciated in a strange way.

There have been times in the last few months, and even in the years preceding my final acceptance of things, that a significant part of my fear was the concern that what I needed in my life would be too hard on the people I love. I still feel selfish about it. I feel like I made my issues everyone else's. I feel like I've given people stress. : P And that fear continues to hold me back in many regards. I think that there is an expectation with some people that "coming out" is the end of it. That now that its off of our chests, we'll go back to the way things were. Thats not necissarily the case with transsexuals though. Coming out as a transsexual is a sign of things to come. Its also, for some, I think, a desperate plea for "permission" from our loved ones to be ourselves.

Even if it isn't, you know, you can't transition without people knowing. ::laughs:: And you can't keep it all inside forever.

Having someone that means as much to me as Justin does be honest with me about how they feel helps me, because it gives me a compass in my relationship with them. Ive never talked to anyone about this, so I dont know how to say the things that need to be said, or where to stop. You have to learn when and how to communicate these things as you go, and if people won't tell you how they feel and what their fears and concerns are, in short, wont reciprocate with communication, then its that much harder if its not altogether impossible.

Thanks for letting me know how things went. I was worried, and I am relieved to hear that things are ok, even if they might need time to sink in.

[Guest Sly]

I first thought of myself as a girl at age 4. Then in kindergarten, I began to identify with that and even liked a boy in my class. I began dressing at age 5.

[Guest Bemused]

I knew something was different back when I was still in elementary school. I knew what a transgender etc . . was when I was in middle school but I refused

to think of myself like that after reading so many articles about it online and I knew the fact that it was everything my parents hated and still do. It wasn't

until 9th grade around age 14-15 I could look into the mirror and say I was a transgender. I'm 18 now. I still have a long road a head of me. I'm growing my

hair back out and going to get it cut very girly once it gets pass my chin. I'm talking to a therpist atm but not a gender one. Just a general one but I like him.

He always has 2-3 answers to every question and one of them usually works for me. He doesn't know I'm transgender . . . well maybe he does, I do tend to

act girly and wear girl jeans/shirts/shoes/belts a lot I usually look very girly. I too was made fun of in school, a lot. I'm hopeing college will be better. I don't

know how my parents are going to react. I think my mom knows and is just ignoring it. my dad tells me everyday he hates men that act girly or men that

want to be girly. So I'm pretty much screwed there. I think you have the right idea though. don't be sad about the 10 or so years you have wasted move on

do something about it. Have fun and enjoy life while you still have it, and you do 33 isn't old you still have a lot of life to enjoy.

[Guest SuzanneF]

I knew something was up when I was about 7..I didn`t come to full realization until 12.

[Guest Silver]

This first part is kinda clique, but...: I guess I've always known, just didn't have the right words to say it (not that I would, as a kid I was known to hold things in).

When I was little, I just couldn't understand why my sister was so upset when I took my shirt off in the summer. I liked dolls, but I only liked them because I thought they were pretty. My main characters in those games were the guys who got the barbies to date them!

Getting older, I decided not to tell anyone I was a boy because they would 'feel bad about buying me girl toys.'

When we first got a computer, I was thrilled with the power of the internet. I was up earlier than anyone else, so I got precious extra time websurfing. I remember typing 'transsexual' and 'transgender' in the search box, and being amazed at the difference between pre-transition and post-transition trans people. I liked looking at the mtfs more, but to be fair I knew I liked girls more than boys from an early age.

There really was no ah-ha! moment. I found the right words (transgender, ftm) to describe what I was going through. I'm just a boy, and I have always been one.

[Guest Rachael92]

I had always known that I was not at all happy about being identified as a boy,I tried to tell my parents when I was 12 and they sent me to a shrink who told them that this was a phase that "I would grow out of" so following that I started to look at ways of escaping my overwhelming feelings in drink and drugs,it wasn't until I got sober and recieved councelling that I knew that my transexuality was something that was going to haunt me for the rest of my life unless I addressed it-I am so glad I did,most days I am relativley happy and to see my past as not being wasted but all part of my journey-33 is still young!

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Well, there's been an interesting mix of replies here. At first we got mostly people who seemed to have gotten things together later in life, like myself, and now we have several people who understood their situation at very young ages. I wonder what makes the difference? I mean, I am sure its a lot of things, but it interests me that some people figure it out so early.

I guess I will always be envious of those people too. I know that it must come with its own set of confusions and turmoils, but it also comes with more time to work them out and more time to fix them.

Either way, no matter the age that things come together, I guess we should all just be grateful that we have managed to figure this out at all and that there are things we can do to make our lives better.

That's kind of eating me up these days, though, because I wish I had more direction. I wish I had a better idea where to start and a clearer picture of where things could go. But that's life, I suppose. We just have to remain focused and try to achieve whatever is possible while being as happy as we can on the way.