Minor Annoyances

[Guest Alder]

Lately, as I've been more vocal about how I feel about myself genderwise. I've been getting more and more people that seem to think I feel this way do to low self esteeme in my physical body and I've been getting a lot of "you're such a beautiful woman" type comments... which, only serves to aggrivate me /more/ because... I don't /want/ to be a 'beautiful woman'.

Sure I have self image issues, but I'm near 100lbs overweight, I know it's completely unhealthy and I can't buy anything off the rack. I've been working on it and I've lost 50lbs this year, hoping next year for the next 50, and in three years time I'll be at my 'ideal weight'. But, even with that, I wont have the body I /wish/ I had... I'll still be...all femalish.

One friends gone so far as to say that if I had top surgery, it'd be mutilating myself due to poor self image. Which, utterly infuriorated me. He's a good guy, understanding, a complete gentleman blahblahblah... but can't seem to grasp that it's not my self image. I bind my chest because, even with the huge gut I love they way I look 50x more then then I don't. I glare at the few bra's I own that are push up bras and loath when I can't find any other bra to wear forcing me to wear something the emphasizes what I hate most about my body. Yes, I hate them more then the gross flabby obese stomach of mine.

But, I guess it's not for him to understand. He can believe what he wishes... I just wish he'd stop trying to 'raise my self image' with compliments. I can't be jaded to like myself.

-sigh- my families started up on it as well, all but my mother. Whom I've flat out told one night that, I didn't want to be female... she's supportive, but admitted it would be hard for her later on if I take any drastic steps to change myself. I'm her baby girl after all. I was thankful she was honest with me, but still even with her anxieties over it is supportive. And has stopped introducing me as her daughter and instead has started sayind "my child"

with every supportive friend I have.. I seem to have another that's trying to convince me that I don't feel how I feel, it's all just bad self esteem... no, my marriage was due to low self esteem. Not the fact that inside, I don't match what's outside in any way shape or form. And that was as true when I was 160lbs as it is now at +80 that...

bah, I'm going to end this rant now... but I just felt like getting it off my chest. I know I'm not the only out out there who shares the frustrations, so I'm not really looking for support of any sort, but just know I'm one more tally on the chalkboard! -sigh-. Thanks for putting up with my rant ^.^

[Guest Dakota.P]

Ranting is fine. It is better to say it out loud than to let it boil inside you.

That is too bad that people don't understand who you really are. I feel for ya. This last week I have had a lot of people tell me what a great husband I will be and all that. That just makes me shudder. I can't stand the thought. But I know that these people are only trying to be nice. So I have just tried to take it as a compliment. Not optimum, but there are worse.

BTW, I do not think you are a "beautiful woman." I think you are a wonderful person.

~D

P.S. Good job on loosing the 50. Keep working at it and you can get it down to where you want it to be.

[Carolyn Marie]

Alder, it's so true that people honestly believe that by ignoring what you say, and telling you to accept who you know you aren't, they are doing you a favor.

It has nothing to do with wanting to help you, and all to do with making themselves feel comfortable, because they can't accept or deal with who you really are.

My advice is just to ignore those "friends" and be true to yourself. They can either get with the program, or you can find new friends.

I'm proud of you for the weight loss you've achieved, and the weight loss to come. I know how hard it is.

Hang in there, and keep doing what you're doing. I hope your friends and family all come to accept you, because you seem like a really good person, and a little support will go a long way.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[JJ]

Just telling someone you are actually a different gender than you appear often isn't enough. You may need to do a little education too. People really just can't grasp what you are saying. It makes no sense to them so they are defaulting to what they can grap. They just plain don't understand.

It may or may not help to explain that sometimes a brain develops as a male brain due to hormonal variations during pregnancy while the body develops as female. And visa versa. There are numerous scientific sites that people can check if they question that, including the National Institute of Health. There is also a pinned topic here with links to some of those sites:http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=26503

So it is not something we are telling ourselves to feel better. It sometimes helps people realize that no matter what our external appearance is, we really are a different gender mentally. Not something caused by any psychological situation or cured by any amount of psychological treatment.

As for self-esteem issues-they have it backwards. Always feeling wrong, never being treated as your true self causes huge self esteem issues for most if not all of us. Low self-esteem is the effect and not the cause of your gender identity problem.

Ask your guy friend how he would feel if he found himself with the body of a woman. Treated like a woman, expected to dress and act like a woman even though he was still himself in his mind and knew he was a man? Would he really be fine with it as long as someone told him he was beautiful. Would anything make him feel comfortable with living as a woman w[hen he knew he was a man?

Go ahead and rant all you like. This inability to communicate what this condition is really like is so frustrating, annoying and depressing!

John

[Guest Micha]

bah, I'm going to end this rant now... but I just felt like getting it off my chest. I know I'm not the only out out there who shares the frustrations, so I'm not really looking for support of any sort, but just know I'm one more tally on the chalkboard! -sigh-. Thanks for putting up with my rant ^.^

Looking or not, I want to tell you that you're not just another tally and that though everyone has gone through nuts, that doesn't make your experience anything less. I read stories about suicide, drug abuse, assault, every nightmare imaginable, and I know my experience couldn't possibly mean as much pain as the aforementioned. Thing is, my experience hurts me. Regardless of how it compares with other peoples lives, it's a burden on my shoulders, and it weighs on me like anyone else's life weighs on them. Your life is yours, you've lived it as you, no one else can do that or know what it feels like to have done so. Please don't ever feel like just because everyone has suffered that your experience isn't meaningful. If it hurts, rant, and rant without shame, there's none to be had. Let people know how you feel and get your emotions out of your system.

No one in my life really knows about my gender identity, other than my wife. Even she doesn't know how I really feel, so I can't honestly say I can imagine what it would be like. But I do know what it's like to be misunderstood, to have people see a problem and think they know the solution, and then be way off base. Maybe they mean well, and that in itself is nice, but it's not fulfilling. There's a need to be true to yourself, and that includes being recognized as yourself. Having people try and diminish what you want and need by chalking it up to a text book issue with a simple solution can't be anything less than enraging.

Take heart though, the people trying to cheer you up, misguided and ignorant as they are, do so out of compassion. That alone is something good. Not everything, but at least it's something.

[Guest Alder]

I know my troubles have value, if even just to me. But I still feel ridiculous complaining... I"m alive, I have enough good things in life, I feel complaining is just... silly. I've always had the stand strong attitude and support the others around me no matter how much weight I have to take on and just stuff down. So I guess I feel selfish when I finally do break down...

[Guest Micha]

I know my troubles have value, if even just to me. But I still feel ridiculous complaining... I"m alive, I have enough good things in life, I feel complaining is just... silly. I've always had the stand strong attitude and support the others around me no matter how much weight I have to take on and just stuff down. So I guess I feel selfish when I finally do break down...

I admire your attitude, I wish I was that strong. I have always been the "suffer in silence" type, but not because I felt my complaints were frivolous or that there were more important things to occupy people's time. I just never felt comfortable talking to people I knew. Here it's different, people actually want to know what's on your mind, what's troubling you. To me, that's a huge relief. Maybe I feel like I've abused it or taken advantage of people, but truth is, I need to talk, and I need someone who cares enough not just to listen, but to understand.

You can call it selfish if you want, but if you call it wrong, I'll disagree vehemently. Being selfish is one thing, but it's not bad. It's human nature, designed by nature, so we survive. First thing we learn is how to cry so someone notices us, so someone realizes we need something. That doesn't change, no matter how we grow, how old we become, how righteous we might think we are. We're still human beings, and we absolutely have needs, needs that must be met. Selfishness in itself isn't bad, don't confuse it with being self absorbed or self important. It's not ego, it's not taking from others so that we have more than we need. It's making sure we have at least what we, individual people, need. Selfishness is not greed, and to be completely selfless is to sacrifice your entire being to please others. Maybe that's noble, but that doesn't sound like any kind of life to live.

We all do what we need to, there's no shame in that.

So I'm glad you ranted. I'm glad you wrote what you did. Don't stop yourself from writing, typing or posting. I need it too.

[Guest Alder]

ugh... I just need to vent somewhere... even if it's just about nothing having to do with anything. Todays been utter crap emotionally, Every tiny little thing is sending me into an instant feeling of wanting to obliterate the universe, if even for a split second. It's been way to draining and I can't handle it anymore, I can't even fathom why I'm in such emotional discord other than the fact that every things is finally getting stacked up to the point of complete breakdown again; which is something I don't want to deal with... I don't even get to enjoy my break from school since I'll be going to visit family I feel more obligated to see than I have a desire to see; as much as I love my grandparents I need a vacation for myself which wont happen due to child, father, grandparents.... Every thing I need for today is missing, my house has no food in it, can't find my damn EBT card to go shopping... so I'm hungry, which doesn't help me be any less cranky.

I'm tired of being --Censored-- sick because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, my parents are ridiculously heavy smokers. But, instead of them caring about the health of their child and grandchild... I have to lock myself up in a bedroom, or sit outside and take a bunch of --Censored-- medicine so I can freakin breath.

... yeah... cranky....stressed...want to cry, want to punch and kick and throw things....can't. Express this to my friend "psh, cryings dumb. Yer strong" in her saying that she should --Censored-- understand how hard I've been dealing with crap to not be crying just yet. Because I don't cry, because I'm "strong"... I bottle everything up, so people think just that. That the hardships of being a single parent, college student, unemployed and in a mental and emotional state of limbo over even just who and what the love I am, are just water off my back. So I can be the strong supportive one for them when they need something.... but what about when I need someone? ... No I'm strong, so I can carry everything myself....

sorry... just.... It's been a bad day..

[Guest Micha]

Even Achilles had a weakness, and his strength was still.

I feel for you, so much. . . you've describes in general what I've felt the past month. I'm not sure what makes it better, what makes it any less infuriating. . .

I cried, even in front of my daughters I cried. It happens.

*HUGGLES*

I know it doesn't change life, but I mean it, it's sincere. . .

Take care, it never rains forever, not even in Washington.

[JJ]

Alder I'm so sorry that you are going through those feelings. And being hungry makes them worse. I've lost 100 lbs this year and sometimes being hungry makes me really down and cranky. My family blames it on T- I really stated trying to lose weight about the time I started T. But I can feel the pattern and cycle. T makes me feel good. Hunger makes me-well -cranky at best and a puddle of depression at worst some days. hope you can find that card and get something soon. It'll help.

Right now you do have a heavy load. The health issues with cigarettes is infuriating to me. I am severely allergic and get asthma then pneumonia any time I am exposed to second hand smoke for any length of time at all. And my mother -whose smoking around me as an infant caused a lot of health problems-never would take that into consideration at all. Felt it curtailed her rights if she was even asked. I didn't understand that attitude and still don't. They are wrong. period. But smokers are addicts and some-not all thank heaven -have the addicts attitudes. Sadly, they aren't likely to change so you'll just have to protect your health until you get out of school and can begin life on your own.

Patience is the hardest thing in the world for me so I know that it isn't easy or necessarily helpful to say but that's what you have to have right now. You are working toward being able to have a better life. So hang on and you will get there. Put these aggravations behind you.

Till you can-rant here all you like.

Johnny

[Guest Alder]

Thank you Micha and JJ. Little bit of cheering on goes a long way. Today, though still mostly sans food was much better.

[Guest Micha]

Very good. I mean, bugger about the food (damned that waiting for the EBT. . . and is it just me or do they seem to be inconsistant with it?), but it is good to hear you're feeling better.

I know it's not a real substitute, but water tends to make you feel less hungry.

[Guest Alder]

Sometimes I feel like starting a thread in here just for us to ramble on instead of anything with a topic.

[JJ]

There is a thread like that. It has languished awhile so I just bumped it.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=22373&hl=+place%20+say%20+something&st=640

Ramble to your heart's content.

Johnny

[Guest xjpopfanx]

Aw. *hugs* It is hard, I totally understand how you feel. I'm somewhat jealous though that you have said to some people that you want to be a guy as opposed to a girl, I want to tell people I want to be a girl and treated as such but I just don't think they'll understand.

Honestly I think you should do what makes you feel happiest, even if your understanding friend thinks you shouldn't have the upper half surgery, it isn't him that has your feelings, your mindset and your body. You should do what YOU think would be best. No point in living a miserable life no matter what others say or do. I need to do the same. >_<

[Guest Micha]

There are times. . . when doing what would make me happiest. . . would land me in jail.

Sorry, randomness.