Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Minor Annoyances


Guest Alder

Recommended Posts

Lately, as I've been more vocal about how I feel about myself genderwise. I've been getting more and more people that seem to think I feel this way do to low self esteeme in my physical body and I've been getting a lot of "you're such a beautiful woman" type comments... which, only serves to aggrivate me /more/ because... I don't /want/ to be a 'beautiful woman'.

Sure I have self image issues, but I'm near 100lbs overweight, I know it's completely unhealthy and I can't buy anything off the rack. I've been working on it and I've lost 50lbs this year, hoping next year for the next 50, and in three years time I'll be at my 'ideal weight'. But, even with that, I wont have the body I /wish/ I had... I'll still be...all femalish.

One friends gone so far as to say that if I had top surgery, it'd be mutilating myself due to poor self image. Which, utterly infuriorated me. He's a good guy, understanding, a complete gentleman blahblahblah... but can't seem to grasp that it's not my self image. I bind my chest because, even with the huge gut I love they way I look 50x more then then I don't. I glare at the few bra's I own that are push up bras and loath when I can't find any other bra to wear forcing me to wear something the emphasizes what I hate most about my body. Yes, I hate them more then the gross flabby obese stomach of mine.

But, I guess it's not for him to understand. He can believe what he wishes... I just wish he'd stop trying to 'raise my self image' with compliments. I can't be jaded to like myself.

-sigh- my families started up on it as well, all but my mother. Whom I've flat out told one night that, I didn't want to be female... she's supportive, but admitted it would be hard for her later on if I take any drastic steps to change myself. I'm her baby girl after all. I was thankful she was honest with me, but still even with her anxieties over it is supportive. And has stopped introducing me as her daughter and instead has started sayind "my child"

with every supportive friend I have.. I seem to have another that's trying to convince me that I don't feel how I feel, it's all just bad self esteem... no, my marriage was due to low self esteem. Not the fact that inside, I don't match what's outside in any way shape or form. And that was as true when I was 160lbs as it is now at +80 that...

bah, I'm going to end this rant now... but I just felt like getting it off my chest. I know I'm not the only out out there who shares the frustrations, so I'm not really looking for support of any sort, but just know I'm one more tally on the chalkboard! -sigh-. Thanks for putting up with my rant ^.^

Link to comment
Guest Dakota.P

Ranting is fine. It is better to say it out loud than to let it boil inside you.

That is too bad that people don't understand who you really are. I feel for ya. This last week I have had a lot of people tell me what a great husband I will be and all that. That just makes me shudder. I can't stand the thought. But I know that these people are only trying to be nice. So I have just tried to take it as a compliment. Not optimum, but there are worse.

BTW, I do not think you are a "beautiful woman." I think you are a wonderful person.

~D

P.S. Good job on loosing the 50. Keep working at it and you can get it down to where you want it to be.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Alder, it's so true that people honestly believe that by ignoring what you say, and telling you to accept who you know you aren't, they are doing you a favor.

It has nothing to do with wanting to help you, and all to do with making themselves feel comfortable, because they can't accept or deal with who you really are.

My advice is just to ignore those "friends" and be true to yourself. They can either get with the program, or you can find new friends.

I'm proud of you for the weight loss you've achieved, and the weight loss to come. I know how hard it is.

Hang in there, and keep doing what you're doing. I hope your friends and family all come to accept you, because you seem like a really good person, and a little support will go a long way.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Just telling someone you are actually a different gender than you appear often isn't enough. You may need to do a little education too. People really just can't grasp what you are saying. It makes no sense to them so they are defaulting to what they can grap. They just plain don't understand.

It may or may not help to explain that sometimes a brain develops as a male brain due to hormonal variations during pregnancy while the body develops as female. And visa versa. There are numerous scientific sites that people can check if they question that, including the National Institute of Health. There is also a pinned topic here with links to some of those sites:http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=26503

So it is not something we are telling ourselves to feel better. It sometimes helps people realize that no matter what our external appearance is, we really are a different gender mentally. Not something caused by any psychological situation or cured by any amount of psychological treatment.

As for self-esteem issues-they have it backwards. Always feeling wrong, never being treated as your true self causes huge self esteem issues for most if not all of us. Low self-esteem is the effect and not the cause of your gender identity problem.

Ask your guy friend how he would feel if he found himself with the body of a woman. Treated like a woman, expected to dress and act like a woman even though he was still himself in his mind and knew he was a man? Would he really be fine with it as long as someone told him he was beautiful. Would anything make him feel comfortable with living as a woman w[hen he knew he was a man?

Go ahead and rant all you like. This inability to communicate what this condition is really like is so frustrating, annoying and depressing!

John

Link to comment

bah, I'm going to end this rant now... but I just felt like getting it off my chest. I know I'm not the only out out there who shares the frustrations, so I'm not really looking for support of any sort, but just know I'm one more tally on the chalkboard! -sigh-. Thanks for putting up with my rant ^.^

Looking or not, I want to tell you that you're not just another tally and that though everyone has gone through nuts, that doesn't make your experience anything less. I read stories about suicide, drug abuse, assault, every nightmare imaginable, and I know my experience couldn't possibly mean as much pain as the aforementioned. Thing is, my experience hurts me. Regardless of how it compares with other peoples lives, it's a burden on my shoulders, and it weighs on me like anyone else's life weighs on them. Your life is yours, you've lived it as you, no one else can do that or know what it feels like to have done so. Please don't ever feel like just because everyone has suffered that your experience isn't meaningful. If it hurts, rant, and rant without shame, there's none to be had. Let people know how you feel and get your emotions out of your system.

No one in my life really knows about my gender identity, other than my wife. Even she doesn't know how I really feel, so I can't honestly say I can imagine what it would be like. But I do know what it's like to be misunderstood, to have people see a problem and think they know the solution, and then be way off base. Maybe they mean well, and that in itself is nice, but it's not fulfilling. There's a need to be true to yourself, and that includes being recognized as yourself. Having people try and diminish what you want and need by chalking it up to a text book issue with a simple solution can't be anything less than enraging.

Take heart though, the people trying to cheer you up, misguided and ignorant as they are, do so out of compassion. That alone is something good. Not everything, but at least it's something.

Link to comment

I know my troubles have value, if even just to me. But I still feel ridiculous complaining... I"m alive, I have enough good things in life, I feel complaining is just... silly. I've always had the stand strong attitude and support the others around me no matter how much weight I have to take on and just stuff down. So I guess I feel selfish when I finally do break down...

Link to comment

I know my troubles have value, if even just to me. But I still feel ridiculous complaining... I"m alive, I have enough good things in life, I feel complaining is just... silly. I've always had the stand strong attitude and support the others around me no matter how much weight I have to take on and just stuff down. So I guess I feel selfish when I finally do break down...

I admire your attitude, I wish I was that strong. I have always been the "suffer in silence" type, but not because I felt my complaints were frivolous or that there were more important things to occupy people's time. I just never felt comfortable talking to people I knew. Here it's different, people actually want to know what's on your mind, what's troubling you. To me, that's a huge relief. Maybe I feel like I've abused it or taken advantage of people, but truth is, I need to talk, and I need someone who cares enough not just to listen, but to understand.

You can call it selfish if you want, but if you call it wrong, I'll disagree vehemently. Being selfish is one thing, but it's not bad. It's human nature, designed by nature, so we survive. First thing we learn is how to cry so someone notices us, so someone realizes we need something. That doesn't change, no matter how we grow, how old we become, how righteous we might think we are. We're still human beings, and we absolutely have needs, needs that must be met. Selfishness in itself isn't bad, don't confuse it with being self absorbed or self important. It's not ego, it's not taking from others so that we have more than we need. It's making sure we have at least what we, individual people, need. Selfishness is not greed, and to be completely selfless is to sacrifice your entire being to please others. Maybe that's noble, but that doesn't sound like any kind of life to live.

We all do what we need to, there's no shame in that.

So I'm glad you ranted. I'm glad you wrote what you did. Don't stop yourself from writing, typing or posting. I need it too.

Link to comment
  • 7 months later...
Guest Alder

ugh... I just need to vent somewhere... even if it's just about nothing having to do with anything. Todays been utter crap emotionally, Every tiny little thing is sending me into an instant feeling of wanting to obliterate the universe, if even for a split second. It's been way to draining and I can't handle it anymore, I can't even fathom why I'm in such emotional discord other than the fact that every things is finally getting stacked up to the point of complete breakdown again; which is something I don't want to deal with... I don't even get to enjoy my break from school since I'll be going to visit family I feel more obligated to see than I have a desire to see; as much as I love my grandparents I need a vacation for myself which wont happen due to child, father, grandparents.... Every thing I need for today is missing, my house has no food in it, can't find my damn EBT card to go shopping... so I'm hungry, which doesn't help me be any less cranky.

I'm tired of being --Censored-- sick because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, my parents are ridiculously heavy smokers. But, instead of them caring about the health of their child and grandchild... I have to lock myself up in a bedroom, or sit outside and take a bunch of --Censored-- medicine so I can freakin breath.

... yeah... cranky....stressed...want to cry, want to punch and kick and throw things....can't. Express this to my friend "psh, cryings dumb. Yer strong" in her saying that she should --Censored-- understand how hard I've been dealing with crap to not be crying just yet. Because I don't cry, because I'm "strong"... I bottle everything up, so people think just that. That the hardships of being a single parent, college student, unemployed and in a mental and emotional state of limbo over even just who and what the love I am, are just water off my back. So I can be the strong supportive one for them when they need something.... but what about when I need someone? ... No I'm strong, so I can carry everything myself....

sorry... just.... It's been a bad day..

Link to comment
Guest Micha

Even Achilles had a weakness, and his strength was still.

I feel for you, so much. . . you've describes in general what I've felt the past month. I'm not sure what makes it better, what makes it any less infuriating. . .

I cried, even in front of my daughters I cried. It happens.

*HUGGLES*

I know it doesn't change life, but I mean it, it's sincere. . .

Take care, it never rains forever, not even in Washington.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Alder I'm so sorry that you are going through those feelings. And being hungry makes them worse. I've lost 100 lbs this year and sometimes being hungry makes me really down and cranky. My family blames it on T- I really stated trying to lose weight about the time I started T. But I can feel the pattern and cycle. T makes me feel good. Hunger makes me-well -cranky at best and a puddle of depression at worst some days. hope you can find that card and get something soon. It'll help.

Right now you do have a heavy load. The health issues with cigarettes is infuriating to me. I am severely allergic and get asthma then pneumonia any time I am exposed to second hand smoke for any length of time at all. And my mother -whose smoking around me as an infant caused a lot of health problems-never would take that into consideration at all. Felt it curtailed her rights if she was even asked. I didn't understand that attitude and still don't. They are wrong. period. But smokers are addicts and some-not all thank heaven -have the addicts attitudes. Sadly, they aren't likely to change so you'll just have to protect your health until you get out of school and can begin life on your own.

Patience is the hardest thing in the world for me so I know that it isn't easy or necessarily helpful to say but that's what you have to have right now. You are working toward being able to have a better life. So hang on and you will get there. Put these aggravations behind you.

Till you can-rant here all you like.

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest Micha

Very good. ^_^ I mean, bugger about the food (damned that waiting for the EBT. . . and is it just me or do they seem to be inconsistant with it?), but it is good to hear you're feeling better.

I know it's not a real substitute, but water tends to make you feel less hungry.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
Guest xjpopfanx

Aw. *hugs* It is hard, I totally understand how you feel. I'm somewhat jealous though that you have said to some people that you want to be a guy as opposed to a girl, I want to tell people I want to be a girl and treated as such but I just don't think they'll understand.

Honestly I think you should do what makes you feel happiest, even if your understanding friend thinks you shouldn't have the upper half surgery, it isn't him that has your feelings, your mindset and your body. You should do what YOU think would be best. No point in living a miserable life no matter what others say or do. I need to do the same. >_<

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 92 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • MaryEllen
    • christinakristy2021
    • Davie
    • Savvy
    • RaineOnYourParade
    • BobbiSkunk
    • Alisa Anne
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.6k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,126
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Alisa Anne
    Newest Member
    Alisa Anne
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. BEAN_CHILD
      BEAN_CHILD
    2. Chrystopher
      Chrystopher
      (28 years old)
    3. Chuckey
      Chuckey
      (63 years old)
    4. Elias
      Elias
    5. Han_
      Han_
  • Posts

    • Davie
    • RaineOnYourParade
      I recently realized I share a birthday with two characters in my favorite show!   Kirishima and Tetsutetsu, both which are guys who comment on things being manly (not in a toxic masculinity type way? They'll call basically anything they find positive "manly"). Kirishima especially is considered a poster boy for positive masculinity, and Tetsutetsu serves as comedy in being very similar to Kirishima in almost every way. I guess that makes October 16th the manliest birthday lol   I find gender affirmation in the strangest places 💀
    • Davie
    • Vidanjali
      Short answer, yes. Not easy!! And the "overcome" part is a continuous work in progress. A story is told:   Say you're lost in the woods on a moonless night. It's so dark you cannot even see your hand on front of your face. What do you do? Pick a direction and start walking. You may be on the path out of the woods or you may be going deeper into the woods - you don't know and for some time there's no way to tell the difference. But you keep going. After some time, you begin to see a glimmer of light, not much but just enough to contrast with the previous deep darkness. But it's enough to encourage you that you're going the right way to escape being lost in the dark wilderness.    It's an allegory for the spiritual path. Or if you're not spiritual, call it the path to metal health. For a long time you simply go through the motions and do your best to keep up the forward momentum. You don't perceive yourself as making any progress - it all seems the same. But you practice and develop strength and keep going. Then you begin to notice small differences. You're not as reactive as you used to be. You still have nightmares, but somehow you have more agency in them. There are moments where you experience peace of mind.    Trust is probably the #1 biggest issue for people who've experienced trauma. Certainly it has been for me. Trusting love is real - that's major. But I've found that trust in love is not developed via relationships with others, but rather by learning about yourself and how to feel self-secure. And that is not a matter of autonomy, but rather gaining insight into who you are, essentially. Who you are is indomitable and adorable. You come to believe that in a profound way (not in an egotistical way) and you feel safe anywhere and in all circumstances. You have a feeling of communion and goodwill with all. You are not attached or affected by the actions of others, but are profoundly self-assured in unconditional love for yourself and all. Easily said, but that potential lies in all. It requires guidance, will, discipline, grace, and patience.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  I'm a short ways out of town here.  Hay field across the road.  Pasture on 2 sides in back, and lots of trees in my yard - back yard is basically a small woods.  I'm a bit of a tree hugger.
    • Ivy
      There was no such thing when I was growing up.  Some of my kids played them though, but only the younger ones.  We didn't have a computer for the oldest ones. About the only game I've ever played was Tetris, and that was on one of those old gameboy things.  I still have little interest in them.  My ex did do something for awhile, animal crossing I think.  
    • Mmindy
      I remember living that way. My parents didn’t get an air conditioner until the mid 1970s, just before I moved out. Their house was built to utilize cross winds or fans to keep air moving. In those days it was very important to keep the screens in order so the mosquitoes 🦟 out. Flies were dealt with by using fly traps. You do get acclimated to the hot or cold weather in those situations.    Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
      Well I have been absent recently due to my new hobby of computer gaming. I have worked on a collection of NES, SNES, N64, Sega and now revamping up my PlayStation 1 and 2 collection and then will get Xbox original. My computer isn't powerful enough to run Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 games. It's fun to see the old games that I grew up with. 
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on your journey!
    • Mirrabooka
      More than 30% of Australian households now have rooftop solar PV: Solar energy - Australian Renewable Energy Agency (ARENA)   in America it is only 5%: How Many Americans Have Solar Panels in 2024? (solarinsure.com)
    • Mirrabooka
      It's truly bizarre, the changes that have happened over the years. Larger houses on smaller blocks of land which means less trees because there's no room for them, so less shading and the resultant need to run air-con harder, which adds to suburban heat sink, which results in higher local ambient temperatures, which results in increased air-con use. Vicious circle.
    • Ivy
      I don't have "air" here, so I pretty much live with what Mother Nature gives me.  Fortunately, there are trees in my yard which helps in the NC summer.  Windows and doors open all summer - closed up in winter. I do have fans, ceiling and windows. When you think about it, everyone used to live this way.
    • KatieSC
      I cannot say that I have. As much as we hope that love, compassion, and therapy help, sometimes opening ourselves up to individuals who later to out to disingenuous, results in worsening of the original trauma. In addition, it may provide a secondary trauma. I have experienced this first hand, and it has left me hardened more than diamond or titanium. There is an emptiness that grabs you when you have been betrayed for innocently opening ourselves up, only to find someone who has went behind your back, and tried to destroy your life.    As for therapy, well, for some of us it works I suppose, until we either run out of money. Insurance is often not useful. There are many "counselors" who will not accept the insurance payments, but will willingly charge much more. When my counselor unilaterally decided to increase charges from 130/session to 180/session, I said enough is enough. I survive, sometimes despite myself. I have paid a fortune out of pocket for everything, and have no illusions about it. If I did not pay what I paid, I would not have received the services including the counseling. Transactional? Yes. I already knew I was transgender. That little gift will exist until my last heartbeat occurs. I will endure because I want to, and because my job/profession benefit others.    It was hard enough coming out later in life. I knew it would be hard. If I had a choice, would I choose to be transgender? No. If I had it to do over again, I would never tell a soul. I would take everything to the grave with me. 
    • Ivy
      I like Frida.
    • Ladypcnj
      Good question, when it comes to love, the trauma from past makes it hard for me to know wither someone really loves me or not. My therapist suggested that I embrace my femininity more, due to my past trauma held me back from doing so and forgive those who mistreated me.  
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...