Becoming Asymtotic

[Guest Orva26]

In math an asymtotic function is one that is always approaching but never reaching a value, most commonly zero. That's where I am with my ability to self examine right now. Its strange but the realization is not driving me mad, rather motivating me. I am asymtotically approaching myself. That means I need to work with outside stimulus to progress more. I KNOW I am some sort of transgendered and right now my mind's consensus is still at transsexual. I still want to pursue HRT and feminize my body and mind. And this is even after encountering two of the "road blocks" I have mentioned elsewhere...

One being a visit from my ex, which actually ended up being amazingly affirming. Got to talk about these issues even if the discussion was disconnected from me. I'm sparing the details because I've posted them in other topics.

The other being christmas/holiday time. It was a week both great and terrible. Great for seeing relatives and stuff, terrible for having to keep my concerns strictly in my own head. I did end up coming on here when I could though and that was helpful. Wasn't able to post much though. I do want to offer up some observations I made of myself during christmas day:

I found myself to be spending more time socializing with my Aunt, mother, and younger female cousin by choice. Talking about various things but not the 'serious' conversations that usually go on with male relatives. This was much more lighthearted, some talk of my new job, where I am living, how I like it and other talk about things like cooking and tea. I actually did not really end up in 'high intellectual' talks about history, politics, social issues, or sciences as usually occurs with my grandfather. I talked with my uncle about music and how I am moving outside of the heavy metal box I had kept myself in for years. Overall it was a good time by the end of the day I was starting to get a bit annoyed by my cousin but that was because she kept inundating me with adolescent pop-culture.

However, the most curious thought of the day was a bit strange. So this cousin I mentioned is at the early stages of adolescence where it is obvious that she is maturing physically into a woman but is not there yet. I was standing in the kitchen talking with her and my aunt (her mother) and mentally I began wondering about her puberty in comparison to the second HRT one that transsexuals go through, one that I have been seeking for myself. I couldn't write down the thoughts but they were generally as follows:

How similar will a second puberty be to her 'natural' one? Developmentally, physically and mentally.

Her puberty comes with an innocence, i.e. people expect it and accept it. There is a good chance a second one for myself wouldn't be accepted. Can I handle that?

Would she be understanding of HRT and TS in general? Could the process be something of discussion between us since she is going through the 'natural' equivalent?

While these thoughts were going on there was a longing tied with sadness. I didn't long to be her (that would just be weird, she's my cousin ) and in general I am not longing to BE woman I see now. Rather it was a longing to be as her. To be able to have my body develop into something I covet, something I have longed for (regardless of how I have expressed that longing), to reach a point where I would have that instead of having only desire for it. The sadness was connected to the realization that getting there will be rough and that I still have lingering doubts. There also might have been a tiny bit of jealousy at how she just gets to have the development that I seek. Has anyone else experienced a situation similar to this? Or has thoughts regarding these concerns?

Another thing that has happened is I realized/was shown just how awesome my younger brother is. Seriously, this kid is insanely social aware and not just that aware of the historical content of social issues. I know that his knowledge of that kind of stuff makes the knowledge I held at his age (19) look infantile, and in some regards he is still miles ahead of me. My fear is that his views would have become tainted by my father but it appears that is not the case. He does have knowledge of transgenderism and for the most part he has a pretty good handle on it. Problem is his knowledge is mostly academic and mostly out-dated academic. Now he's a tad bit more updated. I got to talk with him extensively on the subject of gender identity in general and even had the courage to do it with my father all of nine feet away from us. Okay, maybe he was taking a nap, but ssssssh!

Dang, that was a longer tangent than I was planning for. Anyway even with all this I have some fears that I might be force fitting myself to something I should not be and since I cannot shake them I am going to try real hard to get through True Selves as fast as I can (even though I have a work related book I should be reading. Just can't seem to make it happen though it isn't required so much as it would just be a good idea... ).

True Selves is as a grimore to me invoking both wondrous and terrible/horrifying thoughts and realizations from my mind. The next section of it speaks of adult transsexuals and it will probably be the most emotionally charged section of it for me. Since I only really have been putting deep thought into things in the past months and am 23, finished with college and all that stuff I really think of myself as being close to that group. But I am going to go for it and get a tiny head start on what is the first actual real new year's resolution of my life and that is to get a better understanding of myself both in this light and overall.

Right now I don't feel an overwhelming and impending need for therapy so I will relax for a bit. My last 'road block' was starting work and seeing how that would affect my mind set. I think I already know the outcome: In the first few days/week I will be really excited and this stuff will be very much in the background, softened in intensity, I may even dismiss it as folly buuuuuuut after those first few days/weeks I expect it will all come back and then I'll know therapy is the right option.

And that's my little (er... actually sorry about the length) update!

<3

Orva

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Actually, therapy was not what I thought it would be, and I am so glad I chose to use it. It usually becomes like your therapist is a good friend to talk with, but one who has insights you never thought about. Therapy makes you saner, I think, regardless of your gender dysphoric situation.

I wou't dread it or even postpone it.

Lizzy

[Guest Roxanna L]

Orva, my friend,

Gibbs' rule #6: "Never apologise, it's a sign of weakness."

Making lengthy posts is your forté, so there's no need to apologise.

How similar will a second puberty be to her 'natural' one? Developmentally, physically and mentally.

Her puberty comes with an innocence, i.e. people expect it and accept it. There is a good chance a second one for myself wouldn't be accepted. Can I handle that?

Would she be understanding of HRT and TS in general? Could the process be something of discussion between us since she is going through the 'natural' equivalent?

All valid questions... And I wish I could provide you with answers to those question, but in spite of our similarities, we are still different people, and we all go through things, differently...

While these thoughts were going on there was a longing tied with sadness. I didn't long to be her (that would just be weird, she's my cousin ) and in general I am not longing to BE woman I see now. Rather it was a longing to be as her. To be able to have my body develop into something I covet, something I have longed for (regardless of how I have expressed that longing), to reach a point where I would have that instead of having only desire for it. The sadness was connected to the realization that getting there will be rough and that I still have lingering doubts. There also might have been a tiny bit of jealousy at how she just gets to have the development that I seek. Has anyone else experienced a situation similar to this? Or has thoughts regarding these concerns?

I know this longing all too well, my friend...

Just yesterday, at the gym, my envy caused my anger to flare...

I nearly went into a rage, but managed to prevent it, my pedalling myself senseless, on the bike I was riding...

And I, too, can't help but feel anxious at whatever may be coming...

True Selves is as a grimore to me invoking both wondrous and terrible/horrifying thoughts and realizations from my mind. The next section of it speaks of adult transsexuals and it will probably be the most emotionally charged section of it for me. Since I only really have been putting deep thought into things in the past months and am 23, finished with college and all that stuff I really think of myself as being close to that group. But I am going to go for it and get a tiny head start on what is the first actual real new year's resolution of my life and that is to get a better understanding of myself both in this light and overall.

That book came in with the mail, three days, ago.

But, I have been hesitant to actually start reading it...

So, Orva, give me a kick in the a**, and make me read that book!

And, as it's now 23:25 CET, I wish you all a happy new year!

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

While these thoughts were going on there was a longing tied with sadness. I didn't long to be her (that would just be weird, she's my cousin ) and in general I am not longing to BE woman I see now. Rather it was a longing to be as her. To be able to have my body develop into something I covet, something I have longed for (regardless of how I have expressed that longing), to reach a point where I would have that instead of having only desire for it. The sadness was connected to the realization that getting there will be rough and that I still have lingering doubts. There also might have been a tiny bit of jealousy at how she just gets to have the development that I seek. Has anyone else experienced a situation similar to this? Or has thoughts regarding these concerns?

I have had this envy in many different forms and I'll start with my humorous thoughts. In public places I often looked at each individual person and as I focused on each individual one I thought lucky, unlucky, lucky, lucky, unlucky, unlucky, lucky etc. and it was always the girls I would think of as lucky and the boys I would think of as unlucky. I know they did not feel that way and the boys were probably happy being boys but I was just thinking about my longings to be female and how only some of those people actually got what I would have considered myself lucky to get.

A little less humorous but not as sad as the third example is when I met Nicole. I have mentioned that I have aspergers and in the program at my highschool Nicole was complaining about being the only girl and I just thought to myself, if only she knew. It was hard to hear her complain when I would have traded places with her in an instant. I would have gladly assumed that role just to be a girl and I would willingly put up with being the only girl there.

I was very sad when the school offered a girl's night in for the grade nine girls and a similar event for the guys because I was thinking about all the girls getting together and celebrating femininity and supporting each other when I just wanted to be a part of that world. I could not go to the guys night because of my inner feelings and because there was nothing there for me. They mentioned all you can eat wings and if that was the only food then I would starve (I really do not like wings). One of the activities mentioned involved pelting teachers with dodgeballs and I would not enjoy that. If I did it would only be for the first soft throw (I can't throw dodgeballs very hard) and then I would want to stop after that one second thrill and then there would be nothing. I did not want to participate in an eating contest and I would just be standing around during the sports. I perform so poorly in athletics that the guys would probably be dancing around me while I stand in one spot unable to do anything. The only activity offered that I would enjoy would be video games and why would I spend seven or eight hours in hell to play an hour of video games when I have them at home and can just invite a group of friends over or play online. When I heard about the girls night in it was depressing to know that I could not go to it but I would much rather be a girl than aboy anyway. I was old enough to know that the parents are responsible for Christmas but just for some irrational sense of false hope I secretly burned a letter in the fire expressing my desire to be female. I knew it was not going to come true especially since my parents had not seen it but I could not help myself. I needed to perform that ritual. We heard it was an orphan practice to burn letters in the fire instead of mailing them and I felt like the orphan who burns such a letter hoping for an answer with no parents to respond. I burned my letter knowing the painful reality that no parents would read it first and answer my prayers. My written wishes were burned with the letter and I tried to irationally hold on to some sense of false hope waiting for what would never come. I knew in my heart how things really worked and that nothing would come of my actions but I was not thinking straight and I needed to put my feelings off until after Christmas. I needed false hopes to hold onto until they were crushed. I knew that even if I would magically transform into a girl at Christmas I would still miss girl's night but girl's night was not why I wanted it anyway. Girl's night was just the twinky at the end of the treadmill teasing me. It was just a painful reminder and an aggravating factor. My emotions were magnified that year and I was filled with envy of not just one girl but a thousand lucky girls. I was alone and in pain.

[Guest Orva26]

Actually, therapy was not what I thought it would be, and I am so glad I chose to use it. It usually becomes like your therapist is a good friend to talk with, but one who has insights you never thought about. Therapy makes you saner, I think, regardless of your gender dysphoric situation.

I wou't dread it or even postpone it.

Very good point, Lizzy!

I could see this becoming very true in regards to the one GT that I did contact. I am looking forward to addressing this and bettering/furthering myself since I believe this has been cloaked for so long and now that it has come it should be dealt with. I don't know exactly what the right word is... I guess it would be eager, that I am eager for therapy. There is still a nervousness about it but I am most definitely not dreading it.

The reason for postponing it is because I kind of REALLY need that first paycheck for a variety of reasons. Also, a lot of my time has been devoted to developing myself in this regard. Right now I think I have matured enough as a person to be able to shelf these issues (that doesn't mean they are any less true, that is also something I understand now) for a little bit so that I can really concentrate and try to develop myself in other areas. Basically since I have the mind to be highly functional right now I feel that I NEED to really make sure my independence is not at stake and work really hard at establishing myself at work.

I will not however postpone setting it up. The therapist I talked to in the past is one that I have a feeling is very prominent and busy so I will call her and see when she can see me and it is very possible that won't be for weeks. I also plan to at least call a second one that was high recommended to the point of exaltation when I was at the TS support group. If she is less busy in general I might opt to see her instead even if it would involve a half hour drive from my home. I'm going to have to figure out when I can call them since I will be at work though. Maybe I'll send the second one an email tonight but still try to call during the week.

Gibbs' rule #6: "Never apologise, it's a sign of weakness."

Making lengthy posts is your forté, so there's no need to apologise.

Thanks.

That book came in with the mail, three days, ago.

But, I have been hesitant to actually start reading it...

So, Orva, give me a kick in the a**, and make me read that book!

Well, so far... how to do this without judgement words... reading it has been intense. I really meant exactly what I said when I wrote that it is as a grimore to me. I think it is something that must be done, that I am compelled, strongly, to read it. Now it isn't going to be puppy dogs, sunshine, and roses and you might (as I have) find somethings that are in stark contrast to how you feel so keep in mind that the book IS NOT the apex of understanding on TS. Rather it is exactly what the author says it is an accessible resource to gain an understanding of the issue based on her clinical work as a gender therapist over twenty years. So don't end up anguished if you don't fit its description perfectly or attempt to force yourself/your thoughts to it. I lost sight of that for a bit and it made things tough.

One of the best things about it is that there are direct quotes of some of the author's patients. It makes it so the book is not just completely scholastic. It is actually strangely wonderful in that I have found real connections with some of these patients words even though they are only given an arbitrary first name to protect their privacy. Yesterday it was Timothy who struck me. I don't recall the quote exactly but it was something about how he never really fit in completely with the boys or the girls, how he always felt a little bit off, and it wasn't until he was 14 or 15 that he realized why, that he was actually a she.

Overall it is great and will be helpful but, it will cause emotions and most likely crying. I think you're ready for it, so take the plunge!

And, as it's now 23:25 CET, I wish you all a happy new year!

YAY! Its like I get two new years because of being around 6 hours behind in time.

And speaking of time, now is dinner time!

-Orva