Body Envy Turns To Rage...

[Guest Roxanna L]

As most of you know, I frequently work out, at a nearby gym.

Personally, I'm very happy with the results, thus far. Passing the one-double-zero mark was a real high point.

But last week, right after realising I had suffered a false alarm, a false positive, a false awakening... Things took a turn for the worse...

Last monday, I was thinking not going to the gym, any more... I felt I had lost my motivation...

I went next tuesday, anyway...

I have suffered from female body envy, from the start of puberty...

Until last tuesday, I hadn't suffered that during my workouts...

(Mind you, I dropped from certainty to doubt, the weekend prior...)

I noticed I had problems keeping my eyes off of the women at the gym...

I kept eyeing them, because I was envious of them. Perhaps four out of five women I saw had bodies to die for...

Slender arms, slender legs, a nice waist, decent sized breasts (No bigger than C), and most of them had nice bums, to boot...

And every time I noticed how envious I was of them, I could only turn away my head, in shame and self-loathing...

Turn it away, because it hurts, because it... makes me feel I should've been just like them...

The entire regimen became a drag, as I pushed to its finish, so I could just change, and get outta there...

Last thursday, I went again...

I hadn't slept well, the night prior... I was consumed by guilt, over something I didn't really do, but I was convinced of I did...

Not only was I unable to do my workouts well, they were markedly worse... The coaches told me a lack of sleep would do that...

But the worst thing was this:

I was doing my warmup on a cycle, and I was again overcome by my envy... I saw a young woman and one of the coaches, socialising. Talking, laughing, just having a good time, really...

And that really hurt too much!! I felt the envy quickly turn to melancholy, to frustration, to anger! And it was rapidly heading to the point of an uncontrolled rage...

I recognised that pure, animalistic force of nature that was trying to gain control of me... That same rage has only controlled me once, or twice before, in my entire life; each time, with devastating consequences to everyone around me...

I needed an escape valve, and I needed one really quick. Then, I realised I was sitting on one...

I released all the barely controlled anger into my thigh muscles, making me go much faster than I was supposed to...

70, 80, 90, 100, 110+ RPMs... I had to dump all that pent up frustration, right then, and there...

Now, I'm again hesitant about going to the gym, anymore... I know I'd be wasting my money, if I stopped going...

And I know, I'd only be treating my symptoms, I'd only be walking away, again...

I don't know what to do...

Anna

[Guest Emily Ray]

Anna,

I have felt envy at its worse when I see men and women flirting. I am always afraid that I will never be that woman who is so wanted by the man. I don't have any advice for you and I can't say that not going is the right answer. But, maybe a week or two off will bring a new perspective on what is happening. I might suggest that if you are planning to transition that you concentrate on watching the women and learning how they move carry their bodies rather than focusing on the differences between you and them.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest sarah f]

Anna I feel the same way when I see another beautiful girl. I then have to realize that they have had many years of their lives to get this way. We are only starting out. We will be there someday too. They didn't get their bodies over night. It took time just like it will take time for you and me.

We will get there though through hard work and hormones. Don't let the other girls get you down. Try to find those in the gym that are trying to get the bodies too.

[Guest NatashaJade]

Anna, I used to be prone to rage for different reasons and I understand exactly how you feel. It's a horrible emotion to deal with and I understand that you are not angry at the women, but at the injustice of having been born in a male body. I don't have a good answer for you except to say that the lack of testosterone in my system from hrt has resulted in the disappearance of rage from my life.

Find peace where you can.

xoxo

Natasha

[Guest Roxanna L]

Anna,

I have felt envy at its worse when I see men and women flirting. I am always afraid that I will never be that woman who is so wanted by the man. I don't have any advice for you and I can't say that not going is the right answer. But, maybe a week or two off will bring a new perspective on what is happening. I might suggest that if you are planning to transition that you concentrate on watching the women and learning how they move carry their bodies rather than focusing on the differences between you and them.

Huggs

Emily

I'm not really looking forward to stop going... I just don't have the discipline to keep it up, outside of the gym... When it comes to exercise, I need someone looking over my shoulder...

As for "planning to transition"... I'm not ready to give in... I'm in limbo... I'm torn, between my desire to be one, and my loyalty to remain the other...

Anna I feel the same way when I see another beautiful girl. I then have to realize that they have had many years of their lives to get this way. We are only starting out. We will be there someday too. They didn't get their bodies over night. It took time just like it will take time for you and me.

We will get there though through hard work and hormones. Don't let the other girls get you down. Try to find those in the gym that are trying to get the bodies too.

We Dutch have a saying: "Wie mooi wil zijn, moet pijn lijden"

It says: "Whoever wants to be beautiful, must suffer pain {for it}"...

But as I said to Emily, I'm not ready, not yet...

Anna, I used to be prone to rage for different reasons and I understand exactly how you feel. It's a horrible emotion to deal with and I understand that you are not angry at the women, but at the injustice of having been born in a male body. I don't have a good answer for you except to say that the lack of testosterone in my system from hrt has resulted in the disappearance of rage from my life.

Find peace where you can.

xoxo

Natasha

Own of my former class mates once described as a 'force of nature'... That was after one of those rage-outbursts, in which I nearly killed someone... Alright, that 'someone' had it coming, but still...

It is probably the side of me I hate the most, getting worked up to the point, where I would lash out at anyone...

Just being able to get worked up like that, makes me want to snoop around for anti-androgens...

But, that's assuming i'd ever get treatment. That'll probably take another year, or two...

(Darn slow-as-molasses system...)

Thank you all, anyway...

Anna

[Guest Orva26]

As for "planning to transition"... I'm not ready to give in... I'm in limbo... I'm torn, between my desire to be one, and my loyalty to remain the other...

That is a tricky place to be. I've been there for a while and to a large extent still am. Think it is a perfectly natural thing to slowly chip away at the loyalty to remain. But I think it is a pretty clear indication that you shouldn't just remain as is if you can get these strong emotions. If you were 100% male and meant to stay that way completely none of these emotions would happen.

If things are getting a little too intense, take a break. Don't go for a few days. You can still do some exercise without going to a gym. Walking/running, crunches and other aerobics. Just do that for a few days to keep yourself in the working out mind set and then go back to the gym.

You've described it as a loyalty to remain male. I'm going to pose some questions for thought.

1 - Is this loyalty yours? As in do you WANT to stay male to an extent or is it a result of thinking remaining would be easier or unhurtful for those around you?

2 - Can you actually picture yourself as remaining and being truly content? What I mean with this is that if you do remain could you be truly happy or would you simply end up back to the same place you are mentally?

These are some thoughts I had on the 'loyalty' to remain. I think you should try to think on them too. Don't fret is you cannot answer them with certainty, they are meant merely for thought, not distress.

-Orva

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

I feel this way once a month during the school year (no it's not a period it is dress down day). The school I go to allows us to avoid wearing the usual uniform on a specified day each month. The uniform is normally baggy enough to hide most feminine features but when girls start showing off their curves, hips and features it makes me very envious. The emotions you have described seem more intense than the ones I have but I still experience envy and emotion. I experience despair, deflation and melancholy more often than rage and my lack of rage is just one of the reasons I think I might have naturally low T levels but I can not be sure if that is true without testing. I can not provide much advice because I have yet to work things out but I am one of the many people who have experienced the feelings you describe and we can all offer emotional support.

[Guest Roxanna L]

If things are getting a little too intense, take a break. Don't go for a few days. You can still do some exercise without going to a gym. Walking/running, crunches and other aerobics. Just do that for a few days to keep yourself in the working out mind set and then go back to the gym.

Timing couldn't be worse... I was planning on talking with one of the coaches, to have my regimen adjusted...

You've described it as a loyalty to remain male. I'm going to pose some questions for thought.

1 - Is this loyalty yours? As in do you WANT to stay male to an extent or is it a result of thinking remaining would be easier or unhurtful for those around you?

2 - Can you actually picture yourself as remaining and being truly content? What I mean with this is that if you do remain could you be truly happy or would you simply end up back to the same place you are mentally?

These are some thoughts I had on the 'loyalty' to remain. I think you should try to think on them too. Don't fret is you cannot answer them with certainty, they are meant merely for thought, not distress.

-Orva

1. I'm not really sure, but I'm inclined to go with the latter... True, I don't like the idea of upsetting any relatives... But this could also be my 'survival' instincts, playing tricks on me...

2. A flat-out 'no'. I just know that if I keep this up, I'll simply keep going in circles...

My patience may be infinite, but as space and time are curved, the infinite (sooner or later) turns back in on itself, and ends up where it began. And so would I...

I feel this way once a month during the school year (no it's not a period it is dress down day). The school I go to allows us to avoid wearing the usual uniform on a specified day each month. The uniform is normally baggy enough to hide most feminine features but when girls start showing off their curves, hips and features it makes me very envious. The emotions you have described seem more intense than the ones I have but I still experience envy and emotion. I experience despair, deflation and melancholy more often than rage and my lack of rage is just one of the reasons I think I might have naturally low T levels but I can not be sure if that is true without testing. I can not provide much advice because I have yet to work things out but I am one of the many people who have experienced the feelings you describe and we can all offer emotional support.

Actually, grief and rage are very similar, but different emotions... They both act as a means to relieve oneself, either by crying, or by taking your frustrations out on something.

Someone who's extremely despaired may rapidly shift between several emotions, including grief and rage...

In that run-up towards rage, things just happened so fast... All in mere seconds... I'm not really sure, but I believe at least some sadness was involved...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

makes me feel I should've been just like them

EXACTLY - we all do that. We SHOULD have been born as we feel ourselves to be!

But

That way lies madness. Look to the future or you will ALWAYS be a sad person!

Just my opinion.

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Anna:

Oh, hon!

Most of us can SOOO related to this post!

That's the bad news. Here's the good news:

You (... AND me ...) are envying the majorly awesome babes to whom The Gods of Genetics have smiled most favorably. Do NOT think for one instant that the vast majority of genetic females don't envy these girls too. They most certainly do, I can whole-heartedly assure you.

Okay, so what to do about your feelings and your dilemma? Dwell on what you've got, girl. KEEP WORKING OUT! Lack motivation? Lack balance? Lack inspiration?

Been there. Done that. Lived it. Girl, I'm 55 and work out regularly. Many a time, life circumstances have derailed my efforts to get to the gym regularly ... just recently, in fact. Focus on your goal: To be the BEST that YOU can be, and ...

"Never, never, never, never give up!"

--- Sir Winston Churchill

Knowledge is power, when rightly used. Best knowledge on this particular subject I've ever seen is offered by Cory Everson, the greatest female bodybuilder so far:

http://www.amazon.com/Cory-Eversons-Life-Balance-Everson/dp/0399524444/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1293948753&sr=1-3

Check out the reviews. You just might want to get a copy. It'll get you back on track to working out, being your best and loving your life. Just don't up, hon!

Lacey

[Guest Orva26]

2. A flat-out 'no'. I just know that if I keep this up, I'll simply keep going in circles...

My patience may be infinite, but as space and time are curved, the infinite (sooner or later) turns back in on itself, and ends up where it began. And so would I...

I'm sorry but... relating this to time space curvature is brilliant! Oh, a song lyric literally just jumped into my mind it sort of relates to the whole experience of feeling entrapped by a cycle and what must be done if that state is distressing!

Open your eyes, open your mind. Open your eyes, break the cycle, open your mind!

Quo Vadius - Defiant Imaginations - Break the Cycle

Actually, oh snap! This is another one of those hey there is a hidden reason why I like that song moments. I can't post the total lyrics but the song also mentions how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I should really check the lyrics but I think the overall message is pretty clear in this context and that is that the cycle should be broken. Awesome, another reason to like this band aside from them being amazing death metal from Canada with awesome bass work. I should really, really, really comprise some kind of transition/exploration/gender related playlist and just put all these songs that I am finding the real meaning to my enjoyment of on there.

In regards to your answer to the first question. It is indeed difficult to know if the loyalty is a survival instinct or not. I think that is because our minds would not scream out SURVIVAL INSTINCT TIME! every time the doubt/loyalty creeps up. If they are that fact would remain hidden. A question to ask of yourself that may help with uncovering that is, how do you respond to those thoughts? It seems quite obvious to me that your response is anger but not at wanting to be female but rather at not feeling it appropriate, or that it might not happen, not be a good idea. Basically your response doesn't seem to be I'm thinking about being a girl again, MUST DRIVE IT AWAY! But rather more like, I'm in pain because I am not a girl yet/it will be tough to become one/I'm not sure if I can make it and that leads to rage which you act on to drive the those thoughts away.

Actually, grief and rage are very similar, but different emotions... They both act as a means to relieve oneself, either by crying, or by taking your frustrations out on something.

This is very true. For a long while I was oscillating between the two except instead of something I was taking my frustrations out on myself, mentally. Very much NOT FUN! But right now I am actually eerily calm about all this that could change at any second though.

[Guest Krisina]

I haven't had a rage of envy of not being that girl. Well maybe I did uconciously. I have envy of beautiful women and even not so beautifil women. The fact they have full heads of hair, can wear whatever beautiful clothing they want. They are the ones being persued and they do so many fantastic things with makeup. Being the centre of a guys or girls attention too. Being able to flirt is so much fun. I can't do that as a guy. Being a guy having this plumning sucks, mens clothing sucks as well as the intimate stuff, everything. Feet and hands too big. Hair all over the body and face. Etc etc.

[Guest Roxanna L]

(...)

Knowledge is power, when rightly used. Best knowledge on this particular subject I've ever seen is offered by Cory Everson, the greatest female bodybuilder so far:

http://www.amazon.com/Cory-Eversons-Life-Balance-Everson/dp/0399524444/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1293948753&sr=1-3

Check out the reviews. You just might want to get a copy. It'll get you back on track to working out, being your best and loving your life. Just don't up, hon!

Lacey

Reviews are good... But they don't accept paypal, so I'll need to try some other way...

I'm sorry but... relating this to time space curvature is brilliant! Oh, a song lyric literally just jumped into my mind it sort of relates to the whole experience of feeling entrapped by a cycle and what must be done if that state is distressing!

Open your eyes, open your mind. Open your eyes, break the cycle, open your mind!

Quo Vadius - Defiant Imaginations - Break the Cycle

Actually, oh snap! This is another one of those hey there is a hidden reason why I like that song moments. I can't post the total lyrics but the song also mentions how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I should really check the lyrics but I think the overall message is pretty clear in this context and that is that the cycle should be broken.

There's no accounting for taste, Orva... Metal hardly qualifies as 'music' to my ears... (To me, it's just noise...) MY nearest point on the musical scale, to you, would be hard rock, going all the way to punk...

But you're right: the cycle must be broken...

At the meeting of the minds

Reading of the times

Open the blinds

To our complicated lives

We all need some kind of creed to lead us to light

Bad Religion - The Dissent of Man - Meeting of the Minds

In regards to your answer to the first question. It is indeed difficult to know if the loyalty is a survival instinct or not. I think that is because our minds would not scream out SURVIVAL INSTINCT TIME! every time the doubt/loyalty creeps up. If they are that fact would remain hidden. A question to ask of yourself that may help with uncovering that is, how do you respond to those thoughts? It seems quite obvious to me that your response is anger but not at wanting to be female but rather at not feeling it appropriate, or that it might not happen, not be a good idea. Basically your response doesn't seem to be I'm thinking about being a girl again, MUST DRIVE IT AWAY! But rather more like, I'm in pain because I am not a girl yet/it will be tough to become one/I'm not sure if I can make it and that leads to rage which you act on to drive the those thoughts away.

Hit it in one!! (Okay, two...)

This is very true. For a long while I was oscillating between the two except instead of something I was taking my frustrations out on myself, mentally. Very much NOT FUN! But right now I am actually eerily calm about all this that could change at any second though.

Not different from me, even a little...

Aside from occasionally thumping my fists to a concrete wall, or wooden support beam, all my anger has been self-centered...

Maybe I do have more T, than you... My frustration tend to get an anger response more frequently than a sadness response... Aside from some sulking, I haven't really cried, except maybe once, or twice, in the last couple of months...

And I know... It's absolutely TERRIBLE!!

[Guest Roxanna L]

Just as a follow-up,

I went today, anyway...

The envy was much less, perhaps because I gave myself time to prepare, mentally...

On the 20 minute walk to the gym, I kept reciting the Litany against Fear: (Something I picked up from Frank Herbert's Dune...)

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......Only I will remain."

I'm not sure wether it really helped...

[Guest Masculinity]

FTM here... I also get that feeling but the opposite of you...I envy men bodies. It makes my heart ache seeing shirtless men living it up with the great body and all...

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

I have envy for other people's bodies, but it may be a bit different. Yeah sometimes I wish I looked like certain guys, but mostly when I see a girl or a guy, running, or swimming, or riding a bike, I get jealous, because those are things that I can't do anymore. It makes me push myself pretty hard to get back into the health to actually be able to run or ride a bike without the tremendous pain involved

[guest]

Most everyone envies others.

The short man envies the tall man. The fat man envies the skinny man. The everyday person envies the looks of the celebrity or model.

The thing is finding something that works for YOU. You can take steps towards what you envy, but sometimes becoming exactly what you want to be just isn't possible... so, an important part of finding peace of mind is accepting the flaws in yourself.

Do what you can to fix what you can... and for the rest, the sooner you can accept "the way things are", the happier you will be. If you stress out over impossible things, you will just drive yourself crazy. And, there is much much more to enjoy about a life than just what form you happen to have.

[Guest TracieV3]

I passed the rage induced envy years ago. Now, I am to the deep 'bitterness and pain' induced envy.

I found it best to attempt to avoid people and situations that cause me to be envious of them.

I just avoid those things that I can never have, nor ever be a part of; weddings, pregnant women, and those families with children.

And I focus on what I can achieve in my life.

Excuse me, I think I am going to go cry now. :cry:

Tracie

[Sakura]

jelousey and envy , the two most counter productive emotions we as humans, have ever been cursed with . they in them selves , trigger an endless sea of other emotions , fear doubt loathing anger depression , and work even further to hault progress .

but if you live in jelousy and envy , you are only hurting your self and stopping , your self from fixing the things you have the power to change , like lacy lynn , said the women . you are reffering to , have been grace with awsome genetics . somthing that even most natal women would have trouble over coming , like my big sister , for years , she tried and tried to work out and become slimmer , she was not fat just full figured , she gave up on it , and finally squared with her self .... then went on to become a model , simply because she is full figured , and accepted that

like trans girls who wish they we're shorter . there is no conventional method to make your self shorter , so learning to rock the tall girl look is esential . HRT diet and exrsize can get you closer to looking like these women , but if you still feel lacking compared to these women , you could always pray to the gods of plactic surgery instead . with the right amount of tribute they always awnser ones prayers

Sakura