Not Going Away, Can't Turn It Off, But Finally Going To Do Something About It

[Guest Orva26]

A while back I made a topic listing 3 'road blocks' that I wanted to get passed before seeing a GT and what not. Well here I am past them all, kind of frustrated. I think he was wrong, my dad that is. He thought I was just misplacing stress and that when I started work everything would be hunky dory. Well tomorrow starts my fifth day, hahahha didn't even stay off here for a week. At work I'm able to function and focus my mind on task and gender things stay quite and when watching others' experiments/being trained on instrumentation they can go away completely. But when I am not fully engaged, just doing desk work they can creep up, just now I got off the phone with my family and they didn't persist then but here I am finishing this post.

Although they can creep away at work 3 out of the 4 days I have been wearing feminine undergarments and there has yet to be a null day; one where I don't have thoughts on this at all. When I get out and it is time to go home that is bitter sweet. Usually I get into my car with eagerness to get back and do my own thing, like check here. But I'm also partially in a disturbed state either because I know I will start worrying or because I can start worrying or I am worrying about worrying. Heck, yesterday it even cause my brain to short circuit and I almost got on the highway to get home going the wrong way; North instead of South (that would have been a hoot!).

Now a days it seems like certain things will make them intensify for a bit. Today was the official welcome lunch for all of the new hires. We went to a rocking Asian restaurant and while there someone ordered edamame (soy beans coated in salt powder) as an appetizer. While she was crunching away at them she brought up how it is great that you can eat them all day and not feel full. At this another co-worker said something like, "Maybe you can but they do have all those pseudo-estrogendiols in them. Did you hear the news story about that one guy who ate so much he grew boobs and has a constant state of flaccidity?" He said it with such certainty that it was a BAD thing... I know I shouldn't read into it because from what I gather personally for him it would be a bad thing but it kind of bummed me out. Now I know enough chemistry to know that the kind of compounds in question only TRICK the body into thinking they are estrogen but there I was kind of wanting to devour the whole bowl of edamame or at least try one. But how could I do it following that? The obvious response would be, "OMG OMG OMG *my male name* WANTS BOOBS!" I did end up trying one about 20min later though... didn't really taste like much aside from salt.

Second thing was the nice tour of the company store. Employees get to buy products at a discount which is a fairly common thing. Now since the plant I'm at makes soaps there are obviously 'male' and 'female' varieties of them. Every time the 'female' varieties where pointed out to me they were framed as, "You could save a whole lot of money if your girlfriend likes this." Now I can understand one person saying that because well [sarcasm]guys need to protect their sexuality and make up reasons to by feminine products[/sarsacm] but my female guide did it as well, evidence I'm a guy to her? Probably... I mean after all she sees the male business casual attire and BAM! Guy. If I was female would they point out the 'male' products and be like, "YOU COULD TOTALLY GET THIS FOR YOUR MAN AND HE'D LOVE IT!" I hardly think so, girls buy guy stuff and its no big deal guys buy girl stuff and they get stares and a silly internalized process that forces them to rationalize it.

And being in a subspecialization, analytics, that is populated mostly with females IS a mixed blessing. I don't know the accuracy of converting it to words because the thoughts and feelings are never this coherent as they happen but I am afforded a solemness/melancholy/something with that general meaning occasionally when I see or interact with them. When I see particular ones close to my age its strange like I am seeing a role model more than a romantic pursuit, don't even know if that is the right way to put it. When interacting with them I know that regardless of my behavior at some base level they are thinking, "This is a guy I work with." Even if I were to shift the mostly androgynous behavior towards female the MOST they would get without another push is, "This is a gay guy I work with" or "Is this guy I work with gay?"

This was made apparent when I ate lunch with a bunch of them... right before we left it was decided who would drive. One driver was male and the other female. Immediately one of the new hires went with the male based on a pre-supposed sterotype and one person saying the female driver wasn't a good one. I went with the girls because that way "Neither car gets lonely and the group is evenly split." Needless to say that was not the only reason...anyway eventually they got to talking about how a few of them get together and bake cookies for the office on holidays and it was a REALLY thought out thing. I got around to mentioning that and one of their responses was, "We're girls, we're serious about baking!" The "We're" came with the meaning of we excluding you, a hurt unintentional.

Last thing I think I'll mention... last night I watched some HRT progression videos. Now I find them purely compelling no arousal is expressed as it would have crept up in the past. But as I watched I ended up sobbing... I could just tell from the girls' faces as the video progressed that their happiness also did. Its like they have allowed themselves to become truly happy why can't I afford myself that? I think HRT could be really nice but it is such a big change, such a big decision... is my lack of intense body dysphoria evidence I don't need it? Should I not even entertain the thought if I don't feel 100% girlie and fluffy inside? At the same time thinking about not doing it and what I could do instead isn't nearly as fulfilling. A 100% surgery route would be PURELY cosmetic and would not bring any of the wondrous secondary effects. Cross-dressing, well its what I have been doing a little now and when dressed I am simply that, dressed. I have no other persona to slip into and I'm not gushing because I get to express myself. Cross-living (think that is the term for living in the other gender role and expressing it) well I don't think that will do it either, i.e. it would serve more to wet my appetite.

But what about what I am doing about it? Well since I realized I cannot escape this scenario I finally resolved to call a GT today but I was such a moron I left the number home. Didn't want to call from work because, well IT can see every website I go to. By the time I did call the best I could do was leave a voice message since I'm guessing the therapist was either done for the day or conducting her last session. I wrote it down for proprieties sake and sob while I did but is that because it is a thing I am doing in error or because of the actual admittance that I should be doing it? Everything is a duality (whoopsy, maybe that makes me androgynous! I love my brain and its ability to think!). Well, this is what I said approximately:

Hello, I'm a person who called you a while ago... November I think. I was wondering when you have availability, when I could start seeing you. If you could call me when you have a few minutes of free time and let me know your openings that would be great. My number is __________... Alright, bye.

Now I play the waiting game! Doubly so because although I hope she has a free appointment soon it is also a matter of NEEDING my first paycheck so I don't have to choose between defaulting on student loans and therapy. ;_; And that will give me time to see if doing actual science again vs. the orientation stuff will make it all stop. I don't think it will, will that attitude be the reason it won't.

I got nothing else...

might dress and put up some pictures in the gallery tonight, depends on how I feel. Now I got to eat dinner! And do so at 10pm.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

I feel compeled to read your posts! I love how you express you thoughts and derive at consensus of sorts in your own way. I do want to tell you that the hormone estrogen has huge effects on the brain. I suspect that once you do begin HRT if that is your decision you will be amased at the difference and how quickly it will occur. I hope supper was good!

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for the praise.

Supper was good some crazy pasta salad involving tomatoes, asparagus, and chicken.

I do want to tell you that the hormone estrogen has huge effects on the brain.

I keep seeing things like this mentioned but most of the mental effects I recall being listed with it are in regards to emotion. Does HRT do anything to other areas? Will my ability to troubleshoot and solve problems shift? That might not be good given doing that is kind of my job. Is an entire new mindset acquired?

[Guest Emily Ray]

I don't think it has altered my ability to be analytical in any way. I just thing that areas of the female paterned brain developand work better with estrogen flowing in greater amounts. It is a mood thing definetly but my sense of smell and my sense of touch has all been raised by its presence. Who knows what other effects it has on the brain.

On youtube there is a brain test to see which part of your brain is most active. Women are typically one side and men are the other and the direction the woman spins determins which side is dominate. I used to be able to get the girl to switch direction just by concentrating. Since I have been on HRT I have not been able to switch direction. It is a small thing and very anectdotal evidence, but it is real for me. What that means in the grand scheme of things? Who knows!

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Roxanna L]

Orva, my friend,

you and I are so alike, like you told me many times... I, too, love to read your posts, as they always seem to give me glimpses into my own head.

Personally, I'd love to have a job, right now... But, as that isn't what's happening (and I'm very bad at application letters), all I can do is sit still, and stew...

I've seen some of those transition films, too... every time I did, I closed the window, because I just couldn't bare watching any longer... It just hurt too much...

And I tried the brain test Emily mentioned... (A link would've been nice, Emily)

It keeps going counter-clockwise, and I can't switch it.

Different versions of the same test gives different descriptions on what side of the brain does what...

Never was really good at math... Except my first year in middle school, but that was because I had a crush on the math teacher...

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest Jenth]

Orva,

I hope the GT calls back. Sally once posted as an answer to something (don't remember where just remember the thought behind it) that a good test to see if you should act on this confusion is to try to stop thinking about it for 24 hours. The person she was talking to said they couldn't do it. To which she responded tells ya something right? You say you haven't had a null day...tells ya something right?

It's tragic that you have to endure the gender separation. I've always thought such separation to be one of the baser aspects to human nature; something we should evolve past. Alas that isn't to be. A shame really.

I watched a couple of the dancer brain test things. I don't think they're very accurate. On one I couldn't switch her turning counter clockwise, on another I couldn't turn her clockwise, and on a third she switched but I don't think that was as much due to my will power as to the picture turning itself. The evidence I present is watch just the way her toe is pointed on the flat foot. If she was in relevae I might have been fooled but if the dancer doesn't change rotation then the flat foot toe would always point spinning in one direction but since the entire figurine switches direction I think it's just how it's told to spin. Or maybe my brain switches randomly.

Love,

Jenth

[Guest Orva26]

Good to know that my problem solving skills won't be shifted by HRT. The sense of touch and smell thing sounds wonderful.

Thanks for you comments as well Anna.

I hope the GT calls back. Sally once posted as an answer to something (don't remember where just remember the thought behind it) that a good test to see if you should act on this confusion is to try to stop thinking about it for 24 hours. The person she was talking to said they couldn't do it. To which she responded tells ya something right? You say you haven't had a null day...tells ya something right?

I tried the not thinking about it thing. Ended up just becoming a can I stay off of Laura's thing... I thought about it within an hour and a half. Sure I haven't had a null day but is that because I can't or because I don't want one? If I can turn it off what would that mean, would be folly as I fear? I kind of don't want to attempt another 24 hour thing because the last one didn't go so hot. I don't even remember it clearly or the reason why but it ended with me drinking and playing a RPG video game but as I did that I was hyper attentive to framing things in terms of gender and mega connected/invested in the characters.

I hope one of the GTs gets back to me. I just contacted another one by email, one that I've heard brought up at the support group I've gone to a few times. Actually got back from there about an hour or so ago. Going is very nice and helpful. Its great to hear other perspectives and to get assurance that I am not weird, or a plague, or a leper. But with this second time I realized the disparity between myself and the others. They have admitted to themselves that the answers are chiefly in their heads and that they just need assistance (therapy) to get to them. I think one of the reasons I've been making all manner of sound and fury is that admitting that to myself is not something my brain does readily. If I don't get something from at least one of the GTs by Monday I'll have to finagle some way to call them at work.

In the meantime I'm going to plow through the therapy section of True Selves. I might have my gripes with the book but since it was written by a therapist she should know about what goes on in therapy.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

Your question about whether your inability to not stay off of Laura's is because you can't or don't want to is strange to me you are a chemist and I can't believe how you have missed the law of entropy in all of this. Even biological systems work to stay balanced. If you want this than you will be happy if you move towards some state of transition. If you then become unhappy you will move away from transition. After having moved through the phases of questioning, acceptance, first day out in public, first skirt in public, first short skirt in public, full-time, and now moving towards surgery. Every step of the way I moved farther from misery and towards happiness. And not some run of the mill form of happiness (Yay! I won a new car!) No, it is much more akin to the kind of happiness where even when the world around you is falling apart you know that you will be OK! If I were to die tomorrow and I don't I would die at peace knowing I was able to be me and the world knew who I was. I don't know if you think this helpful or not but it is my experience.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Orva26]

If you want this than you will be happy if you move towards some state of transition. If you then become unhappy you will move away from transition

Wow, seems like I am amazingly skilled at seeing the forest and not the trees.

I have been operating under thought dissection constantly for the past months and yet all I have learned is that my mind is as a mobious knot. Gonna try fact time for now:

1) Early life experience with a TG theme (I've elaborated elsewhere so it won't go here)

2) Consistent sexual fantasies about being female, these fantasies being and becoming my preferred ones, since puberty.

3) Either discovered or concurrently discovered these fantasies alongside discovering self gratification.

4) Held more close female friends in childhood. (not sure about validity of statement)

5) Close male friendships developed during that time as well but did not become the norm until puberty. After which I hardly associated with females socially.

6) Tremendous acne, felt a monstrosity and outcast, eventually reviled in that identification. Hung out with gamers, nerds, and those who were a little bit "strange".

7) Had mental conflicts with dating. Could not bring myself to ask girls out for fear of rejection/lack of confidence. Never really understood the mechanism of it, that guys should ask girls out. Had occasional thoughts and naggings about how it should also work the other way, i.e. girls asking guys out and how girls are lucky that it works in their favor. Also didn't like the progression of it. Why should it be, meet someone, ask them out vs. meet someone, befriend them, ask them out? Why shouldn't you ask your friends out and why does the 'friend zone' exist? Had a few dating fails.

8) Sprinkles about learning about TG/TS throughout life but they were for the most part shut down internally. As in it wasn't that I asked my parents if I could watch that television special on transgenderism but it was that I didn't even try because I 'knew' they wouldn't let me.

9) Went to college had an internet connection that WASN'T dial-up and free private time. Learned/researched about transgenderism, specifically transsexualism. Ran into only information put up about/by the certain hetrosexual transsexuals. Didn't really fit that model, fell out of the idea that I could be TS or TG in anyway.

10) Discovered the fetish community for TS/TG. DOVE RIGHT IN HEAD FIRST! It was a whole new way to explore the fantasies. Was an observer for four years, in the fifth at age 22 I began to contribute by making erotic stories. Eventually it reached a point of almost being controlling, near an obsession. I would stay up in to the early morning indulging myself.

11) August of this year, graduated from college began job hunt/moved back to my parents' place.

12) Around the same time reading/making stories lost its magic I became disinterested. Tried fetish hypnotism. And began light cross-dressing (just undergarments). I also began imagining actual transition or at least physical feminization through HRT instead of fantasy means.

13) Got job, moved out from my parents' place. Actually this is the part that has for the most part been chronicled here. Started going to a TS support group's meetings, talked with a GT and as of today made an actual appointment with one.

Quite obvious that I have some sort of gender thing going on. I see parallels with myself between TV and TS. Even though it wasn't dressing my behavior pattern does jive with the model of a TV for whom things stop becoming erotic and they get confused. But all the fantasy, all the expression of the issue has NEVER been about wearing clothing or about expressing femininity but rather about being/becoming female physical and/or mentally. I view HRT progression footage with a longing and desire as I suspect many TS do yet my physicality is not a prison. If I could never change it in anyway I would live, I can't say how happy I would be, and I can't say that there would be a point where I didn't wish for physical feminization but simply that I would live.

Now I have a GT appointment set up at the end of the month. I'll probably make a second topic about the phone call to do that over in the therapy board. But I think knowing that will happen will allow me to really crawl outside of my head. To stop or at least mute the perpetual thought dissection and figure myself out better. I've realized the reason of my trepidation at reading True Selves and that is that the book makes me feel like I am grasping at straws. I am not its model, I am not the certain heterosexual transsexual so I shouldn't waste my time reading about that model.

I am still self identifying as transsexual and saying, "I am Orva and I am transsexual." does not feel forced or abhorrent in anyway, rather tentative. Its like I have come out to myself and at the same time that I have not. Personally and mentally I need the input of a professional who exist outside my mind to finish things off. And I have to be okay with the possibility that my conclusions about myself so far might be off. Going to try to calm down for a bit, right now I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Gotta take this chance to do all that cleaning that I have been putting off!

-Orva

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

Much of your timeline and the whole relationship/dating thing is exactly what I felt. While I still find women attractive I am not so interested in them sexually. I am much more submisive in starting relationships. I will tell you about my experience dating men. I first had a crush on a man that I met through AA. When I was around him I felt more like a woman than at any other time in my life. He held my arm and when we went to the movies I was at the same time volunerable and protected. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever had. Since that time I have had a sexual encounter with a woman and it was as if I was going through the motions, but not really connecting with her or the act. This was a very informative event for me and since then I have considered myself heterosexual. It isn't like I didn't have feelings for her because to this day she is my best friend. I love her and the thought of her not being in my life would ruin a lot of progress I have made this year.

I am not suggesting that you will have the same experience as me, but I am suggesting that as the hormones completed the unfinished development of my brain, things changed for me in a dramatic way. One that has made me a happier person. You deserve this happiness and fullfiment as much as everyone else and I hope you can find it.