My Head Is Spinning Down...

[Guest Roxanna L]

My friends,

as a lot of you know, I've been trying to make sense of the world, ever since I became questioning...

For months, my head was all but dominated by thoughts about "where does this/do I fit in?", "how should that work?", and most importantly "all things considered, what am I?"... I have not really found answers to these questions, yet. That is, as far as I believe... Perhaps I already know the answer, but I just don't realise it, yet. Who knows?

What I have noticed is a few changes over the last couple of weeks. The thoughts have become somewhat less dominating than they have been, but in my heart, I started feeling a lot more, spanning the wide range between elation, compassion and joy, to despondence, anger and sadness...

My head has become a bit more quiet, which is always pleasant, and it's almost... as if someone switched a cd...

I'm not going to rush anything, but my heart feels like it'll be a better guide, than my head could ever be.

Some time ago, I described some of my 'confrontation moments' as "being slapped in the face".

Today, I was running an errand, and I had a few (three, to be precise) of such moments...

This time it didn't feel like a slap in the face...

In my heart, I was hit by a profound sense of sadness, and I was close to tearing up, in public...

I think... it won't take much longer, now...

But again, no rush. I've got all the time in the world.

Love,

Anna

[Guest JaniceW]

Anna,

You are so very good with words. When I read your posts, like this one, I can very easily empathize with your feelings.

This post has reminded me of a place I was in a couple of months ago. Your descriptions are so very accurate to where I was. I did have a few of those teary moments that ended up being all out cries.

My point is you are not crazy, I, for one, have been right where you are and felt those very same things. It was not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination, but it was not devastating either. Over time it has become less intense but not absent.

I believe that I had passed through a series of places;

1. Intellectually and emotionally obsessed with my gender identity

2. Intellectually and emotionally obsessed with my whole identity

3. Emotionally obsessed with the changes that will/may occur in my life, intellectually curious about them

4. Emotionally "normal" with up and down moments related to a variety of different stuff, intellectually engaged in the analysis, decisions, and planning of my future.

5. I don't know I haven't gotten there yet ...

[Guest sarah from sweden]

My friends,

as a lot of you know, I've been trying to make sense of the world, ever since I became questioning...

For months, my head was all but dominated by thoughts about "where does this/do I fit in?", "how should that work?", and most importantly "all things considered, what am I?"... I have not really found answers to these questions, yet. That is, as far as I believe... Perhaps I already know the answer, but I just don't realise it, yet. Who knows?

What I have noticed is a few changes over the last couple of weeks. The thoughts have become somewhat less dominating than they have been, but in my heart, I started feeling a lot more, spanning the wide range between elation, compassion and joy, to despondence, anger and sadness...

My head has become a bit more quiet, which is always pleasant, and it's almost... as if someone switched a cd...

I'm not going to rush anything, but my heart feels like it'll be a better guide, than my head could ever be.

Some time ago, I described some of my 'confrontation moments' as "being slapped in the face".

Today, I was running an errand, and I had a few (three, to be precise) of such moments...

This time it didn't feel like a slap in the face...

In my heart, I was hit by a profound sense of sadness, and I was close to tearing up, in public...

I think... it won't take much longer, now...

But again, no rush. I've got all the time in the world.

Love,

Anna

ANNA my dear i can EASILY remember when i too went thrue al those different faces dear

And like Janice so accurately describe i have also been thru AL of those stages MANY yers ago (before i tried to get help to get my SRS )

As fore you start to feel better then before im HAPPY to read dear

Reg you're moment today. im sorry to read that dear. But as you say DONT rush this dear you HAVE to let this take the time it needs o THURLEY get al the peaces clear in you're mind dear (it took me 35 years ) But its different fore each individual.

HANG in there hon were AL here to help and support you witch EVERY way you're journey will lead you dear

HUGS Sarah

[Guest Orva26]

Awesome!

Its great to know your mind is beginning to calm.

I do think the answers are always inside of us. I actually had the thought today that the term gatekeeper is not a dumb one at all, its just that it doesn't apply to therapist. We are our own gatekeepers!

I too have been observing a calm of sorts. Having to go to work forces/allows my mind to focus on science and gender to move towards the background, though it is not gone. I don't think I am quite at your point yet, Anna. Whenever I get into my car to return to my apartment I am en-grieved because at some level I know that while home there is no forced distraction. That I am likely to start pondering things again.

I think... it won't take much longer, now...

But again, no rush. I've got all the time in the world.

Such a good outlook!

[Guest Roxanna L]

Anna,

You are so very good with words. When I read your posts, like this one, I can very easily empathize with your feelings.

This post has reminded me of a place I was in a couple of months ago. Your descriptions are so very accurate to where I was. I did have a few of those teary moments that ended up being all out cries.

My point is you are not crazy, I, for one, have been right where you are and felt those very same things. It was not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination, but it was not devastating either. Over time it has become less intense but not absent.

I believe that I had passed through a series of places;

1. Intellectually and emotionally obsessed with my gender identity

2. Intellectually and emotionally obsessed with my whole identity

3. Emotionally obsessed with the changes that will/may occur in my life, intellectually curious about them

4. Emotionally "normal" with up and down moments related to a variety of different stuff, intellectually engaged in the analysis, decisions, and planning of my future.

5. I don't know I haven't gotten there yet ...

Why, thank you, Janice!

I have pretty much made peace with the fact I am not crazy. Things have been coming about and receding, not unlike the flow of ebb and tide...

And as for your example: I think I'm just at nr. 3. But let's not jinx it, okay? I am far from alright, just as you are, only in a (somewhat) different way...

ANNA my dear i can EASILY remember when i too went thrue al those different faces dear

And like Janice so accurately describe i have also been thru AL of those stages MANY yers ago (before i tried to get help to get my SRS )

As fore you start to feel better then before im HAPPY to read dear

Reg you're moment today. im sorry to read that dear. But as you say DONT rush this dear you HAVE to let this take the time it needs o THURLEY get al the peaces clear in you're mind dear (it took me 35 years ) But its different fore each individual.

HANG in there hon were AL here to help and support you witch EVERY way you're journey will lead you dear

HUGS Sarah

Thank you, Sarah,

I suppose... in a way... I need the wake up calls... I don't like them, but somehow... deep down... I need them...

Awesome!

Its great to know your mind is beginning to calm.

I do think the answers are always inside of us. I actually had the thought today that the term gatekeeper is not a dumb one at all, its just that it doesn't apply to therapist. We are our own gatekeepers!

I too have been observing a calm of sorts. Having to go to work forces/allows my mind to focus on science and gender to move towards the background, though it is not gone. I don't think I am quite at your point yet, Anna. Whenever I get into my car to return to my apartment I am en-grieved because at some level I know that while home there is no forced distraction. That I am likely to start pondering things again.

Such a good outlook!

You're right, Orva...

In my book, too, the therapist is not a gatekeeper, but a guide. Someone to guide you (and me) through all the dark places where we must walk.

But I'm not sure your calm is quite the same as mine... You have a job, and it offers you respite, and when you go back home, you are saddened at the prospect of not having any respite, back there...

I have no job, I have nowhere to hide from the storm...

Hugs,

Anna