100% Anything?

[JJ]

So often we read and hear about becoming all woman or all man. This burning desire to become completely a target gender. How much pain that causes! How much energy we put in to convincing ourselves that we will achieve it or despairing because we think we can't.

Truth is, in my opinion, that it is an illusion. There are no 100% women or men. So often when you get to really know the giggly super feminine woman or macho man you find people frantically playacting to cover inner doubts and demons. The most contented people just be what they are and let it happen.

The same pit seems to open up for those who transition. We seek assurance, we seek to obliterate the traces of the gender we were forced to present before transition. As if a male way of looking at a problem will make a woman less of a woman or a man feminine. And in doing so I think we deny our greatest gift and strength. We seek to deny part of what we are which is always a painful thing to do.

We are what we are. We were born with bodies that do not match our brains and therefore our innermost sense of self. For most of us that means most of our socialization has been cross gender as have the hormones that also powerfully affect brain development after birth. That doesn't make you less of the man or woman you are in your inner self. It actually makes you more. For MtFs it often means that you never learned the subservience of natal women. Never were trained to dumb down till it is automatic and not conscious. Never bombarded with messages of your helplessness so you have a confidence you may not even realize. You have a sense of entitlement many, many natal women lack. That isn't a bad thing. You have thought processes that have developed from T influences along with the female wiring and when on HRT estrogen influences. You have it all in many ways.

For us FtMs we have learned and been estrogen influenced to be more nurturing, intuitive and verbal. Added to an inborn male brain organization.

When it comes to the ability to experience and analyze and express ourselves we aren't just 100%, we are 150%. We are advantaged. No one else has the unique abilities and understandings we do. Don't deny it. Use it.

This comes at a terrible price in many cases. I'm not saying it doesn't.

I'm saying we can never undo the past and it's heritage in our lives . We can never be of one experience or body or even mind because we have been forced by circumstances to be otherwise. Embrace living as your target gender but also embrace that which gives you special gifts and makes you unique. Made trans people revered and honored in many cultures throughout history. Maybe if we begin to accept and celebrate our unique gifts those around us will begin to be aware of them too. I don't want to be just accepted as a man because that demands that I deny too much of my history and understanding. I would always want to be seen as a transman. No less man for that. No less valid in my gender for that. But so much more in my perspectives and abilities.

I'm sure that people will disagree. That the pain of GID has been so great or the social pressure to be binary-either all man or all woman is so great any other view is unacceptable to many

But that's my take on it. What's yours?

[Guest sarah f]

John I agree with most of what you said. I however never want to look back. I just want to be seen as a woman and nothing else. Hopefully someday I will meet these goals but that is what I want out of transition.

[Guest JaniceW]

John,

You have stated is a very eloquent way something that is at my very heart. In the "Non-binary Gender" thread this is exactly what Dr. Vitale ws talking about.

For me her book gave me the insight that being transsexual is not a curse, it is a state of being. Yes there is no doubt that the GID is disabling to say the least and must be addressed somehow. Transition is one of the ways for hanlding the GID but, to me, the goal of transitin is not to become another gender, it is to become at peace with myself and I am transsexual.

The native americans have it right when they refer to us as two-spirited. For me the goal of treating my GID is not to become a woman, but rahter to stop filtering my experience of the world through a translator that converts everything from male to female and vise versa. I want to just be me and experience the world as me wth no translators involved. I apsire to be the best transsexual woman I can possibly be. I don't aspire to become a gentic female, that is unachievable. Aspiring to experience everything about being a woman is also out of reach and working for that is a foregone failure.

The best way I can use this life I have been given to accomplish becoming the best and most complete person I can be is to work towards being the best of what I am, a transsexual woman.

[Cyndee]

John, you are a master at articulating these concepts, and your post this morning just reads my mind (perhaps some type of shared consciousness on this board).

My take,

We are all born with attributes of both genders. We are conditioned to suppress some, we are conditioned to embrace others. This conditioning whether by parental, or societal influences comes at a great cost to many of us here, and can be a real source of confusion.

Examples (quoted from Peggy Rudd's book).

Male positive traits might be considered

Intelligent

Courageous

Industrious

Compassionate

Caring

Male negative traits might be considered

Insecure

Gruff

Brutal

Tough

Coarse

Female positive traits might be considered

Kind

Sensitive

Tender

Warm

Loving

Female negative traits might be considered

Insecure

Bossy

Rude

Self-Centered

Whiny

For a person born male, embracing the feminine has most always been discouraged. A very difficult hurdle to overcome due to conditioning. Once these barriers are brought down and self acceptance is achieved much is possible. For all of us embracing the best qualities associated of both genders is a worthy goal. A fusing of attributes to our advantage as trans people.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Sally]

Dear JJ,

I agree that no one can be or is 100% male or female but the main point for me is to be able to live as myself and that is decidedly more female than male.

Transitioning for me is not as much about my hating my body although if I had liked it very much I would not have blown it up to 360 pounds it is about being accepted enough by society in general to not tell me 'Guys don't do that', 'Don't do that, it looks girly', 'cut your hair, you look like a girl' or my all time favorite 'Man up'.

I need to be free to be myself and for me that meant changing my body so that I can be me - I was always more female than male so why shouldn't I look more female than male.

With all of the changes I have been feeling better about myself, I am sticking with projects, I am less depressed less often and I have been working on getting into better shape - over 60 pounds lost in the past year.

The goal should never be 100%, it is my belief that if anyone ever achieved that goal they would be unbearable to be around - too much!

I embrace some of my past - I am not one who has given up sports because 'girls don't watch football' - here is a clue that they do, at my job we sell TVs and on Saints' Game days the TVs are on and the employees gather around from all over the store to watch - more women than men and as you walk around the store most of the ones that are not watching are chained to their registers (most of the cashiers are women as well.

Be yourself, a mixture - of male and female - everyone is unique and trans are just a little bit different what's wrong with that?

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

John, I think your perspective is bound to be better accepted by those of us who transitioned later in life, than those who transition in their teens or 20's. The younger folks have a better chance,

I think, of not being saddled with years of socialization as the wrong gender, and can more easily

shed the socialization that they have received.

We older transfolk have too many years under our belts to easily shed a lot of what's been learned. It depends on the person, I suppose. While I will henceforth present as female, and do my utmost to show the world my female personae, and be the woman I should always have been, I will retain many of those personality traits that defined me prior to transition.

I have found that those best qualities; my sense of humor, my interests, my humanity, my willingness to help others, my warmth, are still with me, and some have been given freer reign than ever before. For that I am grateful. Some of my old qualities that aren't so much desired, I'll have to work on shedding.

We are all works in progress, John. None of us will ever be "finished." As long as we take breath, change is ever present, or should be. That 100 per cent is a goal that I can't meet, but will always strive for.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jackmm]

Hormones and transitioning are going to deepen my voice and redistribute my body fat and build my muscles and show the world I'm male. But it's not going to change the way I think or the way I act or the way I think Ryan Reynolds is a hot piece of man. When I pass, people think I'm gay. Like, really gay. I'm flamboyant as hell. And I love it, and so will a lot of people I meet, and I don't feel like any less of a man because of it. I feel like my conditioning has been very minimal; I've always fought it. I've always been one of the guys, even before I knew I was trans or even might be. I've also always been emotional and open and caring and I don't intend to change that because I love who I am (although I wouldn't mind crying less, it makes my eyes puffy ).

I do, however, intend to identify as a man and not as a transman. Because I am a man.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I do, however, intend to identify as a man and not as a transman. Because I am a man.

EXACTLY

'Transman' is a label.

You are what you are, have always been, and will always be. You are a man.

That's all there is to say.

Lizzy

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

could ve sworn i posted here, lol.

well im going to be a 100% me, my gender i consider to be girl and lots of me falls on either three sides of gender so

ill just be a 100% me

why transition because from the inside i feel like a girl i look in mirror and i dont see her there! so ill just get that fixed.

[Guest Penelope]

John,

I like your way of thinking.

I would never seek to obliterate all traces of my past existence.

I wish to discover and liberate my true spirit, which I now realise has a significant female component. She must be given room to express herself.

Much of me, probably the majority, remains male. Were it the minority, I don't believe it would be right to put myself into a situation where he could not express himself.

A binary existence takes some getting used to. I feel it is a privilege. I am lucky; I don't endure much gender identity dysphoria.

Penny

[Guest Mia J]

It has taken me a long time to respond to this and the Binary post. I have had some real issues with some of the things. I hate labels. I am who I am and that is a woman. I don't measure that in percentages. I don't measure that in socially accepted activities or traits although I have always been more comfortable with those considered to be more feminine that masculine. I don't want to erase my past. It has helped make me who I am. All of our life experiences make up who we are as an individual. I can use much of my past to use as my success story. Even with a lifetime of testosterone influence I was able to be the real me and even now that I am somewhat free of that influence I have found that my woman self has always been there. I am proud of that. I just don't like the idea of having to be labeled as a transsexual for my whole life. I fit in as a transsexual as a person who is moving more towards the real me and is the person I have always really been. I am a woman not a transsexual or a man. I felt the time spent in a male mode was more pretending to be somebody else to fit in with what was expected. It made me a better person overall but I am now able to start to step away from that as I move on. I am one who believes each of us came here to grow and learn. Whether we choose the lessons beforehand or they are handed to us I don't know. But I do know that everything that has happened to me on this marvelous journey of life was for a reason and purpose. I do want to say that the replies and discussion is sometimes wondrous with the insight and personnel aspects of each of us.

I hope this was not too rambling. I have been fighting a bad cold all week and have really been having a hard time trying to focus.

Love

Mia

[Guest Jenth]

Every curse has a hidden blessing they say. Just last week I advised a transitioning man to use the trans advantage and if he couldn't get a job as male to get one as female. Of course the farther we go into transition the harder it is to do it at that extreme. But there are smaller versions of this same idea. I've been privy to male conversations that I'm sure they wouldn't have told me if I'd looked like a girl. I agree that it is as much playacting to be the most feminine female the world has ever seen. I just watched Transamerica and while the main character is getting dressed in the beginning I smirked because of the overwhelming pink of her outfit, it came across to me as trying to hard. I'm girly but you'll never catch me dead in that much pink. Mostly because I have a red undertone to my skin and pink makes me look blotchy.

As to the label of transsexual woman...look at the root of the word. Transition sex woman. I'll be a transwoman as long as I continue to transition to the sex of woman. If that is a continuous process throughout my life then so be it. If I stop at some point then I hope it's because I have reached my goal and chosen a new transition to continue my evolution into a more perfect self. As I transition though I won't introduce myself "hi I'm heathy the transwoman." people don't need to know more than they will accept or is necessary. That said though at some point I will have to tell a potential lover, and the reality of my past as a male will be evident in love making. So sometimes I will have to admit to my past. Besides it's always a tragedy when one experiences something and doesn't gain enough to keep from throwing the experience away, and it's a greater tragedy when you discard valuable experience. We are cursed and blessed at birth and there isn't anything we can do to change that, so we might as well learn to use it to our advantage instead of just mourning our possible loss.

I may be a little confused and mixed up but I regret nothing,

Jenth