Many Path Functions To One State Function

[Guest Orva26]

So right now I'm feeling pretty good think I sort of had a miniature 'break through'. As of late I think some degree of a social transition might be in order (thought I do reserve the right to change that view by tomorrow or even in an hour. ). I'm finding a growing annoyance at work that I am perceived as male or more specifically that my actions should fit the parameters of a male's. For example, just today a co-worker mentioned how I should eat more and 'get big'. I informed her that I suffer no malnutrition, have no interest in 'getting big' and that I have much more of an interest in biking and hiking then I do performing weight training and bulking up. Now to her I probably just come off as un-confident or lazy because she hasn't a clue that I don't wish to bulk up and get all muscly because that is not the body image I want. Indeed I could type out many more examples but really, how productive would that be?

Now what about that break through I talked of? Well to first explain the math! A path function in thermodynamics is a function that describes the way a system moves towards equilibrium. A state function is a function that describes a system's behavior at equilibrium. It is possible for a system to reach equilibrium in a number of ways, hence, numerous path functions can lead to a single state function.

Tonight I had the realization that I have been mainly considering one 'path function' for transitioning. The one that seems more prevalent one that looks like:

(1) therapy -> HRT -> social transition -> X

However there are other pathways! One could be:

(2) therapy -> Social transition -> HRT -> X

Both lead to X! In my case X would be whatever the next step is, SRS, FFS, or nothing, I don't know that yet. Function (2) would take a whole lot of courage but could minimize physical risk to myself, where as (1) would put me at physical risk but gain clarity on the HRT issue. Function (2) would also take a lot more immediate work as I would need to learn make-up, gesture, and possibly work on voice (regardless of how begrudgingly I do it ). With Function (1) I could learn as I go and get the constant knowledge of increasing femininity.

I spent some time crying tonight because of the mental question of, "What is noble? Striving to become comfortable as I am or allowing myself HRT?" and painfully my mind drew a blank. I just don't know personally which way I should go. That and some post I ran into on here tonight is what kind of drove this realization. Each path has its pros and cons:

Pathway (1) would start physical feminization and I could learn of how I felt about it sooner. But a second puberty will bring more emotion and just that would not help with the wondering of if I would ever just be considered one of the gals at work or if I would be accepted by friends and family. Plus HRT could become a lifelong medical regime and things of that nature SHOULD NOT be taken lightly. This way might also serve to minimize social risk as I could start HRT without coming out and if it turns out I don't like it I might be able to stop before loosing anyone.

Pathway (2) would let me know if I cut it in terms of socially being female/myself(still not sure if they are the same). It may serve to sooth daily questions/concerns. I would immediately know who has my back and who would hold me in contempt. But at the same time backing out of this one would cause MAJOR social upheaval in my life. If I am accepted and find the role right then I could start HRT with less worry and if it isn't right for me I could still back out of it.

As scary as path (2) would be I need to keep options open and that includes path (3) which would be private/semi-private feminine expression. I don't think path (3) is the way to go as I have been doing it in my head for years. Path (2) would mean no safety net of physical feminization through HRT, a real trial by fire. I think this is something I'll have to bring up in therapy.

Thought I would put it here in case it can help others... probably should've made a more obvious title though.

-Orva

[JenniferB]

Ovra, I just started HRT a couple weeks ago. And yet I notified my company before I even started. I knew I was going to transition since may and kept it quiet at work. But I constantly became more feminized in the process. Examples are I colored my hair, let it grow long. Have't cut it since last March. Clear cote my fingernails, etc... My company understood that so when I started hormones is when I had to come out at work. On Thursday HR and my manager and backup manager had a conference call with who I am contracted with. It went very well. I will probably come out within once month of starting hormones. I really don't know where that will lead me. Mainly I don't go out dressed as femme much right now. Been there done that. If I wanted to go out as femme it would be no problem. Plus in the next year or two I will be female all the time, including at work.

So the hypothesis you give I have followed the first. But again I don't have fear, or at least now. I don't care what others think. I only want to get through the process as smooth as possible. I'm lucky to work for a progressive company where diversity is important and gender identity as accepted. I'm sure in your case it is different, so you have to weigh the variables and look at the benefit vs the cost which includes risk. In philosophy this is the utilitarian theory.

As far as equilibrium you should read about Aristotle from Ancient Creek culture. He believed there was a balance between two extremes. And going too far in either direction is not beneficial. For example you have cowardice as one extreme and foolhardy and the other extreme. In balance you will find courage.

I hope you will find the proper path my friend and have the courage to follow the path you have chosen. I can't wait to see you achieve the goals you set. You have the knowledge to succeed and hope you find the wisdom that will keep you happy.

Jenny

[Guest Orva26]

Right now I am planning similar action. I'm going to grow my magnificent, "girl hair" as it has been described back and I'm keeping my finger nails as long as I want them. Got to start small after all. I could do all these things but I still think most people would be blindsided by it, after all when they see a 'guy' (person wearing male business casual attire) with long hair and long finger nails the logical jump is, He likes his hair long and he's lazy about his finger nails.

So the hypothesis you give I have followed the first. But again I don't have fear, or at least now. I don't care what others think. I only want to get through the process as smooth as possible. I'm lucky to work for a progressive company where diversity is important and gender identity as accepted. I'm sure in your case it is different, so you have to weigh the variables and look at the benefit vs the cost which includes risk. In philosophy this is the utilitarian theory.

Actually, it isn't.

But personally it is very important for me to not simply do things because I can, rather since I'm unsure I need to try to make sure I do things I desire. Also, I bear no worry for the company because by its policies it would HAVE to accept me. I worry for the people, my peers and superiors. Accepting someone because if you don't they can make a stink and you might get fired is strictly different from understanding and accepting them. I want to get as much of the latter as I can.

As far as equilibrium you should read about Aristotle from Ancient Creek culture. He believed there was a balance between two extremes. And going too far in either direction is not beneficial. For example you have cowardice as one extreme and foolhardy and the other extreme. In balance you will find courage.

Aristotle was a smart dude. I might be remembering wrong but he was the first philosopher to bridge the gap into physical science with the idea of, "If you want to know what an apple is get off your butt and OBSERVE it!" There is truth to the example but as a chemist everything is Le Chartier's Principle.

Base idea of that is a system at equilibrium or that can reach equilibrium wants to stay/get there. It will naturally shift towards equilibrium and once there any perturbations that would disturb equilibrium will be adjusted for so that equilibrium can be re-attained quickly. Kind of also true of the human condition, huh?

I've described before that once I knew transitioning/becoming female/a woman was feasible for me in terms of budget and stuff its like a switch was thrown in my head and I got a bunch of new thoughts and emotions. Well now a second switch has been thrown and it is a more rational one, one that gained me the insight to look at things as more of an opportunity and less of a green flag.

Now I must be off to work, I wonder how it will affect me today.

-Orva

[guest]

I'm going to grow my magnificent, "girl hair" as it has been described back and I'm keeping my finger nails as long as I want them

Hehe I was thinking about when to do those things too. The thing is, hormones will affect the hair and nails (so growing them beforehand wouldn't be as good).

But, as for transitioning... people are VERY VERY visual creatures. It seems like socially transitioning would be MUCH easier if you are already feminized by the hormones a large amount.

That's why I was thinking of just starting HRT and letting my body do its thing without really addressing the issue socially. Then, as things change, let everyones own mind start questioning things and sorting things out (such as them noticing my eyebrows look a little more feminine, or my face starts to look a little more female). Slow changes are much easier for people to handle.

It's like boiling a frog. You put it into a pot of cold water and slowly turn on the heat... the change in temp will be so slow that it won't notice to react...eventually, the water is boiling and the frog is cooked!

People are frogs, you don't want to suddenly make the water super hot and have them jumping all over the place causing drama and trouble in your life.

[Guest Orva26]

You make a good point, Ivory. I am thinking the hormone route would be the best bet. It would slowly ease people into it plus there would be less questioning. If I declared myself as TS and then proceeded to cross-live for 3 months people would be confused and left wondering why I haven't started HRT and may not think me serious. But if I am on HRT first they can't really question the commitment.

Plus my face is pretty rectangular now. Hopefully it will get some help.

-Orva