The Baby Question..

[Guest Angel V_K]

I knew a very long time ago that having kids was never on the cards for me. Aside from the fact that i'm not very maternal anyway (children are great up till about 6 months and then again from around age 20, the bit in the middle you can keep), i'd always known that one day i would be changing my birth sex and that neglecting the needs of a child while i dealt with that was not something i could, in all good conscience do. So i decided back then with clinical rationality that i wasn't destined to have children and after the change there wasn't any possibility of that anyway so it was just something i had to accept and move on. And i did. It wasn't easy but i did.

I completed all my transition malarkey around six years ago and did so very much 'on the job' and out in the open. I still have the same circle of friends and acquaintances, the majority of whom are around my age (i'm mid 30's now) and over the last couple of years they all seem to be breading like rabbits. The upshot of this is that there is an awful lot of 'baby talk' going on whenever we meet, almost to the exclusion of anything else, though i may just be overly sensitive to this and here's the thing: I'm trying desperately hard not to seem really selfish but it's starting to upset me.

Life these days is a lot more.. emotional than the times when declared "i can just accept it" and despite the fact that i know, i really do know that my friends are just talking about what is pertinent (and probably all consuming) in their lives at this point and exclaiming, as they have every right to their joy of parenthood, it's something i can never have and i have far less control over the feelings of.. well, jealousy i suppose than i used too.

I have discussed the issue that i can't have children with many of my friends over the years and it's not like they don't know how i feel but am i just expecting too sympathy here? Am i just being a cow and ruining their fun by asking them to just tone it down a bit once in a while (it seems like months and months since all i've heard about is babies)? Or should i just 'man up' and deal with it and have a good cry every now and then?

[Guest sarah f]

Angel have you ever let them know that these conversations are hurting you emotionally? Maybe if they really knew how you felt then they might try and avoid the conversation as much. You can't expect them to stop all together but maybe they can tone it down a little for you.

[Drea]

Life these days is a lot more.. emotional than the times when declared "i can just accept it"

Often the long term realities tend to be a bit more difficult to deal with than the beliefs about being able to when it was just academic.

What you experience is something that many woman experience when they can't have children. I don't know what is the best way to handle the situation. Is the issue that you wish that you had your own child or that you simply feel left out, that their interests are someplace yours aren't?

Similar things happens when one's friends all get married and your the one who remains single. There is that feeling of being the odd one out.

Telling others you appreciate they don't talk about something like their kids can cause bigger negative responses or a further estrangement from them than its worth. I expect you feeling is your feeling and not anythig about them.

I did have one time I had to ask a friend to stop talking about her "boyfriend". The situation was the guy was married and she was having an affair with him. Her willingness to be the other woman to fufill her needs seemed cheap to me, and bragging about it, just got to the point of annoying. I told her I was happy for her and explained my feelings and asked nicely. She was nice enough to tone it down. But it was only after it had gotten so irritating I just prefer not to see her that I spoke up.