Gender Identity Musings

[Guest Fletcher]

Right so, let's get started! This is probably going to be a long post. I'll post a TL;DR (too long, didn't read) summary at the bottom in case you just want to skip it. I'll probably be working stuff out as I write so it won't be all that coherent.

We'll start with a brief summary of my childhood. I was born a girl but my parents didn't seem to believe in all that 'pink = female, blue = male' stuff. I suppose they were very forward thinking. If I chose to wear jeans and t-shirts from the boy section of a clothes shop, they didn't mind. Skirts, dresses, make-up, the colour pink or even shaving were never forced on me. Even though this is undoubtedly a good thing, it only seems to make me more confused now. As a child I drew a lot - still do - and I always drew dragons and wolves and pokemon and robots and other 'boy' things. I still do. I remember making a lot of guy friends in primary school (when I was about 6-9 years old) because of some particularly bloody drawings I did that they thought were cool. I did have a female best friend and a few other female friends but I much preferred rough play - games like tag or manhunt or whatever - I always played with the boys (I did play house with the girls some times but I was always their pet eagle for some reason). I grew unhappier and unhappier when I reached the 9-10 mark because the rough games were over and boys and girls were starting to split up and I wanted to be with both groups.

Anyway, I reached puberty and early teenagerhood and transferred to secondary school. I remember clearly when I first thought that I wasn't in the right body - I came across a therianthrope blog when browsing one day. Therianthropes, for those who don't know, are people who are essentially 'transspecies'. They think they are animals who were born in a human body. I thought that it was awesome, because I love animals and I didn't feel like I should be what I currently was. So I thought I was therian for a while, though I never told anyone. But I eventually realised that I was fooling myself - I didn't feel right, but I definitely didn't feel like an animal. But it did introduce the concept to me that I didn't have to be what I was born as.

Right now, at 16, I'm really anti-social. I had a big problem in secondary school and even the teachers started asking me what was wrong and if they could help. It's a really tiny school, 200 students. You go in, you learn, you leave. No clubs or other social stuff. I finally found a friend or two and I was okay for a while. But, even though in primary I was very dominant and almost bullying in my behaviour, I was always really quiet and super-submissive. I don't know why. I'm sort of still like that.

I remember talking to my friend about how something was wrong with me that I was really embarrassed about - I'd never found anyone physically attractive in my life, while all the other girls were going mad over Robert Pattinson or whoever. I know now that I'm asexual, but my search for answers there finally, finally made me aware of transgender people. They just don't get any media coverage - I'd never known they existed. Of course, I immediately felt a kinship with the FtM guys - their stories were like mine.

But here's my biggest problem: since my upbringing was so liberal, per se, am I just imagining it? If I'd been stuffed in dresses since birth I probably would know for certain, but I can't be sure. Is my preference for male clothes just because I know first hand that they are more comfortable and generally cheaper, and I know that no one will mind if I wear them? Is my avoidance of dresses/skirts/make-up/shaving just because I have no interest in attracting a boyfriend/girlfriend?

With my current wardrobe/mannerisms, I'm only one haircut and one sports bra away from being completely androgynous. Even my bedroom looks gender neutral. The thought of surgery or hormones is kind of scary and I don't know how I feel about that. I ask myself if I'd rather be male or female and I know I'd rather be a guy. I like the thought of people calling me by male names and pronouns. But I have no dysphoria - I don't mind my body, it's just fine. I'm beginning to suspect I'm just a tiny bit more masculine than gender neutral, if that makes any sense. Not full blown FtM but something in the middle. Or maybe I'm just a very tomboyish girl? Maybe I'm just overreacting.

I haven't told anyone about my gender issues but I will tell my best friend soon, when I've worked more stuff out. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind but even the thought of telling them (or my homophobic brother) is horrible. And even then I would be scared of any kind of transition - my country is deeply, deeply homophobic (for example, homosexual relationships were only made legal in the early nineties, and we're in Europe!) and a lot of my relations are very Catholic (my great aunt is a nun, for example). My grandma, however, is very cool - she fought for free sex for women in the sixties and is organising my lesbian aunt's wedding. But those guys are from my dad's side of the family and all live in England, so I feel kind of stranded here.

TL;DR : I might be FtM but am not sure

Time to wrap this up. Whoever reads it all gets an internet cookie! I'll appreciate and treasure any and all words of advice.

Thanks,

Fletcher

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Where is my cookie?

HEE HEE

Lizzy

Standard answer is this - it takes a gender trained therapist to tell you for sure what you are. BUT to answer, yes - there are all sorts of shades between FTM and Androgynous and Tomboyish. You are what you are. When you discover that and accept it, it's really so much better for you.

[Sally]

OK, did Lizzy get the only cookie?

She gave you the best advice on really sorting all of this out but beyond just seeing a gender therapist you must look deep into your own heart and soul, is it male, female or something different.

The therapist will help you but you must help them as well - open up and tell them all of yur feelings and the conflicts, that is the way to find your place on the gender spectrum.

We are like snow flakes with no two exactly alike, in the end you have to find yourself and be yourself otherwise you are still only acting.

To transition or not is the answer that is only within you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest TigerFoxMatt]

Your story sounds like mine, especially that you're close to my age as well. Along with what others have said about a gender therapist, perhaps experimenting with yourself could help as well. Maybe one day dress up girly, and the next dress more boyish, and see how you feel. It's not a sure way to know, but from my experience, it helps.

[Guest Fletcher]

Whoever said I only had one cookie? Everyone gets one!

What great advice!

I've been thinking a lot about just going androgynous for a while and see if I miss the few girly touches in my life, sort of what TigerFoxMatt was saying. Trial and error, that sort of thing. The problem here is that where I live there is literally NO support. No therapists, let alone specialists like that. I looked at the list on the main website and there's one listed in Ireland, but he lives in Dublin and that's almost a three hour drive away. I did notice a teen LGBT society sign in the door of the local youth centre, so maybe I'll drop in and see what's what.

Thanks guys and gals, I can already feel the helpful spirit here <3

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Colm - a member here - is an FTM who is in the USA for his education, but has deep roots in Ireland, where his family still resides. After you get your 5 posts and your PM privileges, try contacting him.

WELCOME to Laura's by the way!

Lizzy

[Guest Avery F]

Fletcher,

Your upbringing sounds a lot like my own, actually - my parents let me play with whatever toys I liked (dinosaurs, mainly, as it turned out), and wear things from the boy's department. They never so much as suggested I wear makeup, and I actually didn't have their approval when I started shaving (of course, this may have been because my whole objective with shaving was for the hair to grow back in thicker). Yet, despite all of this, I am undeniably a transman. Under no circumstances would I say that your liberal upbringing invalidates the possibility of your being transgendered/transsexual.

If you prefer being called by male names and pronouns, that's fine. Many transmen never take hormones or have surgery, and live successful lives in their chosen gender. You could also be an androgyne, or any one of a number of other options. As others have already said, a gender therapist might be a good idea to help you sort out where in the gender spectrum you are located. If you don't have access to one in your area, there are reputable online therapists available.

Just one more comment; you mentioned you are asexual. That's certainly possible, and good for you if you are - it's nice to be certain of your sexual orientation. However, I thought I should mention that I thought I was asexual, because I was always disgusted by the thought of any sort of intimate contact with a person of either gender - but when I started imagining situations in which I was in a male body, the disgust went away. I now know I'm gay. So, just something for you to consider.

Anyway, it's great that you're on this site, and I hope it can help you figure out what you are.

[Guest Fletcher]

Thanks, Avery. You've given me a lot to think about.

I suppose thinking that my upbringing somehow 'warped' me is a lot like how some people think telling kids about trans people will make them confused.

Re my sexuality, I don't think anyone can be 100% certain of that in my experience. But the idea of physical intimacy, no matter what body I'm in, still does nothing for me, so to speak. I do find myself romantically attracted to both men and women though - forgot to clarify that.

Been doing some more thinking and I think I'm probably just an androgyne. The thought of being between two genders seems the most comfortable for me =)

[Guest SidESlicker]

I will fight to the death for a cookie...

I totally know where you're coming from. I too grew up in a pretty liberal age, and when I entered "adulthood" (woot woot for being nineteen lol...) I was pretty much neck deep in the lesbian community, which was chock full of various gender expressions.

To top it off, I was part of a drag king troupe, so for a couple nights a month, pronouns got switched around on me and name changes well around me.

So yes. If the world was black and white, or rather, pink and blue, it'd be easy to find a place where you fit in.

But these days, it's not only acceptable to be a butch woman, it's empowering. It's no longer taboo for women identified people to express their gender in various ways. And again, it's no longer the taboo it was sixty years ago to cross the border from one gender to the other.

My advice:

Seperate your gender from your gender expression. This will help you figure out what path you want to take if you do decide to transition. If you take away the gender-nuetral room, the masculine-inclined childhood, and all the clothes that say "M" on them, who are you?

If you can, get in touch with your local queer community. You'll have more in common with people than you think. Plus, it'll be a good place to be able to learn who you are and how you feel most comfortable people seeing you.

On that note, how people see you and how you see yourself are two very different things. If you can wake up in the morning, and smile at girl in the mirror, put on the clothes you feel attractive and comfortable in, and everyone, from the bank teller to the grocery store clerk, sees a boy strutting around, hey, all the power to you.

Don't be so quick to settle on a label like asexual. I hate to be one of the people who says this, but hey, you're sixteen. Things might not change, and maybe this is an identity that you've not only embraced but will come to embrace for the rest of your life. Or, maybe, your sex drive hormones havn't kicked in yet.

The tricky part about our queer community is that there's so many cross overs. So many women (lesbian, straight women, butch women, femme women) have the same stories as FtMs, so don't be so quick to jump into an identity that "kind of" fits just because your story fits in with the majority.

Lastly, go check out the gender queer/androgynous/bi gendered community. While your gender expression (androgynous?) has nothing to do with your gender or your sex, you might find even more things that you find connect with your identity.

Best of luck to you kid.