What Is Your Earliest Memory Of Feeling Different?

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm sure this topic has come up before, but I couldn't find it. Anyway, we have new members so the responses will be fresh.

I think its fascinating to hear about when you first became aware that you wanted to be, or were, the gender other than that of your birth. How old were you, did you keep it a secret, or whom did you tell?

I remember thinking, and praying, that I wanted to be a girl when I was around 6-8 years old. I can't pin a better time on it than that. I kept it to myself and never told anyone. I imagined all kinds of scenarios that would allow me to wear girls clothes, and those fantasies kept me company for many years. In my early teens I began raiding my mother's closet, and my life long journey began.

What's your story?

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Roxanna L]

Thank you, Carolyn, for this thread...

I felt oddly 'out of place' when I was in kindergarten, at age 3-4...

Somewhere around age 7 I was certain of it, and I prayed... Nothing happened, and I told no one else...

Hugs,

Anna

[Cyndee]

Good Morning Carolyn, I hope things are well with you.

I had posted some of this info in other threads, however glad you are asking. Work is slow this morning, so hear ya go....

I became aware I was different at around age 5. I recall specific conversations with my Mom, telling her I wanted to be a girl (she remembers them now). I also used the term "Tom Girl" to describe myself as I had no other references back then, I just knew how I felt and my sister was called a "Tom Boy".

At about age 7 I began to cross dress (borrow my sisters clothes), and this was always done in secret (never caught). At puberty the desires to cross dress became quite intense, and I built up stashes of my Mom's and sisters clothes in my basement room.

Went through several purge cycles over the years, and here we are now. Done with purge cycles and guilt, I am out to family. I am currently dressed in my floral skirt, blouse, wig, tights, etc.. in my home office.

What a life us transgendered, eh ?

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest ChloëC]

I've mentioned this before in other threads, but not in one specifically for it. Probably an interesting idea.

My earliest known (and acted out) memory is when I was about 5 (1952). I asked my mother to make me a dress, and she took a big sheet of kraft paper (or something like it, don't ask me how she had it)and cut out and taped together a full sized dress that I played in outside on a summer afternoon for an hour(?) or maybe more. I suspect it eventually tore, crumpled, fell apart. But I have two scenes etched in my memory - helping her make it in the front room, and being outside at a certain angle to the house. Very vivid.

Two amazing things here. First, that I was specific enough to know what I wanted and what would make me happy, and it had to a full dress, not just a skirt. And second that my mother actually made it for me. Maybe she talked to me, maybe she had read some of the baby and child books that said, let your child act out if it's not dangerous. I do know Dr. Spock (and no, not the Vulcan) was just coming in and was a proponent of that (and was reviled in later years for some of his stances on child rearing), and my mother has always been very open and accepting, so I guess it was a perfect coming together.

One final thought. If I had been that specific and understanding and accepting of myself to be able to ask, and enjoy, I suspect I had these feelings much, much, much earlier.

Hugs

Chloe

[JJ]

While after puberty I didn't follow the classic path in childhood I did. My first clear memory is preschool at 4. I was so angry and hurt because the boys wouldn't let me play with them and I didn't want to play with the girls. I knew I belonged with the boys but that something was wrong with me and people kept getting trying to say I was a girl. I do have one earlier memory of my 3rd birthday part when I was so upset because my cake was pink and white and I had to wear a pink frilly dress. I was coming down with a serious case of measles but thought that them forcing me to be all wrong was what was making me feel so sick. It's why I have remembered it so long

Every night all through childhood I prayed to be a boy. Or actually to be seen as one is what I wanted. I always thought of myself as a boy. When I was really little, having no idea exactly how my body needed to have changed, I went down to breakfast and confidently announced that I had become a boy. Later when I had vague ideas I needed a part I didn't have I would expect it to start growing. .I had all kinds of magic rituals, things that wouldmake me a boy if I could do them long enough, or withstand pain to such and extent that I would earn that boy status I had to have.

Puberty ended that dream.

Until now.

Love

John

[Guest sarah f]

It was around 5 for me. I just remember watching my mom do her make-up and wish I could put it on too. I would always try to put it on and her clothes when nobody was home. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights wishing I would wake up a girl. This went on throughout my childhood. I also would take earrings from my mom and try to pierce my own ears by just pushing them through the lobes. If I ever played with my friends and there needed to be a mom or girl I always took the part.

When I was a teenager I rember having thoughts of cutting it off down there so I could be a girl. I also thought about paying someone to do it for me and drop me off at the hospital. I never knew I had to have that part for surgery. I didn't even know what a transsexual was just that I wanted a sex change. It wasn't until my 20's that I learned there was a term for this.

[Paula ult]

I knew i was different from between ages 4 -6, i vividly remember taking some of my grandmothers nail polish and polishing my toes and wearing my mothers sandles, i got caught but do not remember what was said, it was not till i heard about Christine Jorgenson some years later that i had that light bulb moment that i was like her, i would lay in bed and pray that i would wake up a girl... never happened, i would also wish if i clicked my heels 3 times i would be a girl, guess i was thinking of the Wizard of Oz and no that never happened either, from the time i heard about Christine Jorgenson i knew i was transsexual so remembering these events made self acceptance a non issue.

Paula

[Guest Avery F]

I think I was about five... My mum asked why I liked things that were stereotypically masculine. She asked if I would rather have been born male. I remember this occasion quite vividly because it was the first time I consciously lied to my mother without an immediate objective in mind - I replied that no, I was happy as a girl, and I just liked boy's stuff because that was my personality. I went so far as to suggest that if I had been born male, I would like girl's stuff just so I could be different. The reason I lied was because my mum is a very decided feminist (and not the good kind!) who frequently would make fun of or belittle people because they happened to be male. Also, she had told me a while ago that when she became pregnant with me, she was hoping I'd be a girl. To this day, I really, REALLY wish I had just gone and told her I wanted to be male; perhaps I could have taken drugs to prevent the onset of puberty, and started presenting as a male much younger. It also might have made it easier for her to accept me.

[Guest Cowboy]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night that i'd wake up to be a boy. Or that if I just did boy things, like wear my shirts unbuttoned, play sports, wrestle, etc., I'd somehow magically turn into a boy. The earliest memory I have though, of actually telling my parents I wanted to be a boy was when I was 4 or 5. My mom caught me trying to stand to use the bathroom and she told me only boys do that and asked if I wanted to be a boy. Instead of saying no I just flat out said yes I do. I got in trouble for saying yes so I never said anything else about wanting to be a boy.

[Sally]

Good topic Carolyn!

I believe that for most of us we have always been different, right from birth but it took someone else pointing it out for us to know that we were different.

For me that time came when I was about three and a half or nearly four, before I started to school - I would play with my older sister and we would play with her dolls and mine and sometimes dress up in all of her old petticoats (remember them ladies?), I thought nothing of just going wherever she did without any thought as to what I was wearing so we were going across the street to visit her best friend and play with her dolls for a while when a group of teen aged boys came around the corner (this has never been the harbinger of glad tidings for me and it was not that day as they were the first (but not the last) to make fun of me for being different.

School separated the boys from the girls and reinforced the idea that something was terribly wrong with me and I forced it as deep down as I could with it resurfacing every few months to be dealt with again and again.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest NatashaJade]

I knew from around 5 or 6 that I was not like my brothers. I played differently than they did. I also knew that difference would cause me a lot of problems with them, so I hid it away from everyone. It wasn't until I was around 12 and read John Irving's The World According to Garp that I found a name for what I was. One of the major characters in that book is Roberta Muldoon, an NFL tight end who transitioned. After that, I knew what I was feeling was a real thing and that there was a cure.

xoxo

Tasha

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

I'm sure this topic has come up before, but I couldn't find it. Anyway, we have new members so the responses will be fresh.

I think its fascinating to hear about when you first became aware that you wanted to be, or were, the gender other than that of your birth. How old were you, did you keep it a secret, or whom did you tell?

I remember thinking, and praying, that I wanted to be a girl when I was around 6-8 years old. I can't pin a better time on it than that. I kept it to myself and never told anyone. I imagined all kinds of scenarios that would allow me to wear girls clothes, and those fantasies kept me company for many years. In my early teens I began raiding my mother's closet, and my life long journey began.

What's your story?

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Short Version

How old were you

id say about 2 or 3 i had an idea

4-9 i knew somethig was diferent in me

10-12 it really started affecting me and knew for sure somehting was wrong

13-18 i went through my crisis (my drug if you will) i condisder my self cured now

18+ i know a 100% i am a transexual women

did you keep it a secret or whom did you tell?

Still do right now its not safe nor wise for me to be out to everyone

only my bio mom and sis know and the dont even know each other knows! less communication the better chance it wont get out

was forced to tell my adoptive parents at 18 things went horrifically.

(after that i seeked out my bio parents and siblings to find out ((unkonwn to my parents)) if i had done any crossdressing their or was or acted or did girly things)

which was a yes i did

Long Version

3rd or 4th time lol odly enouph, I was about 3 or 4 when i first knew. I was always surroundeed by gorgeous women so i guess it never bothered me so much. But even as a little kid i would shy away from the girl sections cuz i knew that i was a "boy!" so i always did my best to be a good little boy. and it was kinda natural, Hot wheels, videogames, nerf airsoft gun annilator supreme destroyer 666billion! (joking although thats the next one they are making), climing trees you know boy stuff, Well Im definatly a tomboy! any way I Recall a few times when mom was going into the womens section, i would feel this feeling come over me, like shame, i knew something was wrong just didnt know what, so i went to like the toy section to stay away from the section not so much cuz i wanted to look at toys (i got lost a few times in the stores). at about 3 or 4 i was still with my bio family, well i would dress in my sisters dresses and clothing, and i would want stuff like my sister but i would play like my brother, [give me a pink dress but im still gonna go play in the mud]! lol thats me! yup. So when i was 10 i started crossdressing again since being adopted, and I liked it but was ashamed. at 12 puberty began to hit, i was always treated poorly in school. I finaly realized like months ago that it was because of my manerisms, i did act girly, with gestures and what not. crossing my legs the way i wore my jacket. my walk was naturally girly somewhat well unfortunatly i fixed that. So now i gotta refix that. Because of puberty and the recent start of cd again not realzing dreams i was having (seceret dreams to myslef) were actually memories, well i was convinced by my mom and sister that oh its just the softnes, and such or you want to be with a women your just confused. Ya i was confused by them! I had poor confidence and etc, self controle and with arousal from dressing as women (it was more of trying to not get caught that aroused me)(also whenever i dressed and was aroused, in my fantasies i was always a women) i just got more ashamed more depressed, and the feelings wernt going away {there was points were i just was going to cut it off. but i always reserach first found out about srs so decided i wouldnt go there, but still had plenty of suicidal thoughts but never could bring my self to do it [thank god]}. But i finaly gained self controle about from 12 id say 6 years later. well even after i was aroused I could go forever being "Dressing acting, wearing make up" just existing in space as a women. but I never wanna take of the dress or leggings or whatever because i dont want it to end i want to continue to be a girl! for the rest of my life so it stinks!. Well shortly after i gained control it was my mind set if i am i have to have diginity. or at least whatevers left. so i went to the online store i bought stuff. a month or so later my mom walked in my room in middle of night (laundry) caught me in my maxi sleep dress. things didnt not go over to well i was force to come out! but even still no love, no understanding, nothing, I was called a perv and then some. and some other stuff went down. So talking to her following day i told her I couldnt beat it i need professional help to beat it. so she got me a therapist, although i already knew there was nothing wrong with me but i went just in case maybe there was and i wasnt realizing it or was so bad i could know. well the therapist confirmed that i was what i was feeling (after two sessions i said i was cured). i had tried coming out but i saw were things were going so i droped it long before she could catch on. I had than located my bio family to ask them which that is how i learned my dreams of being a little girl in a pink dress were not mere dreams but past. and that i use to want things clothing like my sister! so there was definate proof at age 2 and 3 that i was trans. but being adopted sorta disrupted that self growth,

I came out to my bio mom and sister, they seem accepting but i feel maybe its because im better than people they are use too and maybe they are just putting up to me cuz i know my brother can be a major but and well im very sweet. so now its more or less a secret between me and my bio mom and bio sister and they dont know that each other knows about me. I got a job that im leaving for soon. so i will not be able to come on here i believe due to the job but it will get me out of my adoptibe parents house and give me a chance to grow. learn and set a foundation down for my life.

Best of wishes everyone

- Cynthia

[Carolyn Marie]

Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing that with us. I can see how much it means to you to have your bio mom confirm those memories for you, and offer at least some support.

I hope you don't leave permanently, but however long you're gone, I wish you all the best of luck, as well as happiness and the fulfillment of your dreams.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Orva26]

Er... a lot of people can answer this so vividly and so precisely. I am not one of those people. Still bugs me because I get scared that a GT will be like, "YOU NOT TRANS LOL!" but that is really putting the wagon before the horse. There are a few likely start points...

-Around 6 to 7, strange game of Dr. involving me playing a female role. Really isn't any coherency here all I know is I don't think I detested it. Also strange that during this time I was apparently being adorably kid romantic to a female friend of mine... no real recollection of that. Ugh its all a hodgepodge.

-Puberty er... 12 or 13. The sexual fantasies began. Always transformation, not always to a woman but almost always to a female. Dunno might have felt different at this point because peers were beginning to date and I was doing my own thing in my head.

-Start of college, 18. Actually had my own internet connection. Things really took off with the fantasies. I remembered hearing the term transgender before and looked it up. Eventually got to finding information regarding TS and was wowed by the fact that it could actually happen and by the surgical results of some SRS that I ran into on the net. Started reading a website of a TS but eventually I dismissed the idea that I could actually become a woman as folly because our differences were great.

-One year ago, 22. Joined a community that exist to share/trade transformation fantasies. It is a good place and was a great outlet to vent some creativity in this regard. I was VERY prolific for a while.

-Now, 23. Eventually eroticism dulled so I sought something different, hypnosis. Had a few months flirting with that to re-ignite things. Around then I got a job offer, found out said job has policies that would make it secure in the event I do transition. It was like a switch in my brain finally went off and now instead of fantasy time, I want REAL time! Its affecting my mood and how I perceive things, and honestly the past two days the thought, "Jeeze will someone just give me the 'boob pills'!" Keeps popping into my head.

Hmmm... I guess now I KNOW I'm different. But for how long and if I knew before now is up in the air.

-Orva

[Guest KellyKat]

I was 4 or 5 when I realized something wasn't quite right.

I never said anything to anyone I can recall.

But I do remember learning to knit, sew, and cook from my grandma.

She raised me from the age of 2 as her own.

I don't know that she would have taken my GID well.

But am happy that she was willing to teach me some things.

I don't feel like I was cheated my entire girlhood.

Luv Kat

P.S. I did have a poll that touched on this a while back.

' http://www.lauras-playground.com:80/forums/index.php?showtopic=17860&st=0&p=172061&fromsearch=1& '

If anyone is interested have a look.

Luv Kat

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing that with us. I can see how much it means to you to have your bio mom confirm those memories for you, and offer at least some support.

I hope you don't leave permanently, but however long you're gone, I wish you all the best of luck, as well as happiness and the fulfillment of your dreams.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

How are we not friends! jeez i just keep dropping the ball! with everyone! lol jj, you! jeez

I cringe at that thought! lol, I will be back one day! i swear it! who will i share my transitioning photos with!? Yes thats right once i start ttransition you know ill be posting!

funny thing i actually recalled an another instance of when i was showing transgenderism! It was about ya over 6six years i think, I use to have nieces, they were from my sisters last marrage when they were younger they were much nicer and great then they turned into just horrible people in their teens (im just so shocked it just like came from no where, i just dont get it!). very sad. but anyway, i when i was kid, use to play with them, there was never dress up, it was more all tomboy tom foolery. But i recall that like when a movie was on, one of us would sit on the couch with someone infront of them and someone in front of them on the floor, we would alternate, we did silly things with each others hair or would would just brush each others hair. my sister never said nothing. i guess it didnt bother her, but it just felt right getting my hair brushed, it wasnt long, but we worked with what we had.

[Guest Chiv]

Everything before 7 is blank or a blur. At age 7 I told my best friend (at that time) we were going to grow up, marry and have kids. I was the husband and she was the wife. She told me I was crazy because I was a girl, and I defiantly replied I was not! Her parents didn't allow her to come over and spend time with me anymore. My mom asked me if I said this and I said, yes. She didn't push the issue. When puberty hit and these Gosh darned breasts sprouted, so did the depression and realization how others viewed me. I never thought I was gay, but thought that was my only option for a long time. I have always known who I was, and now the waiting for each step in transition some days seems like forever.

[Guest audrey michelle]

when i was little, i liked taking the girl roles when playing and barbies and the spice girls and nail polish and just "girlier" things. but i thought that was just normal and i didnt see a "boys like this. girls like that" memo anywhere. but once i started school at like age five or whatever...thats when i noticed the difference. i didnt exactly relate to boys and found that being with the girls and playing with them was just far more natural and more me. i didnt really make note of it at a young age but once i started puberty, i began to question things and so did some other people. once i became aware of the term "transgender" at age 18, i did some research and realized that it was something i understood, could relate to, and identified with. now that im 20, EVERYONE [family, friends, my town, people in other towns] know about me and im pretty much living as a female now. hopefully hormones in the next month or so :]

[Guest N. Jane]

I don't remember it but sometime before I was 3 my mother said that at bath time I would hide my genitals with a wash cloth and wouldn't allow her to bath me. What the heck was going on in my little brain I have no idea but there was apparently a sense of wrongness even at that age.

All aspects of my childhood up to age 8 were totally normal for a quiet and shy little girl ..... after that it got weird!

[Guest Deandra]

I mentioned this in a thread i started before, but i always liked to play with stuffed animals and my brothers didn't really do that. I don't really remember buying a lot of action figures either. my mom didn't have a lot of makeup to play with. when puberty hit, my world really changed.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Tuesday

Lizzy

[Guest BrandonIThink]

Well, now that I know what I am, I can trace signs back to three years of age (imagining myself as a man 'when I grow up.') even though I was overall pretty girly, but the first time I felt dysphoric was when I was about 9 and my chest began to develop. I didn't really feel different, but I was secretly afraid of what was happening to me. I knew it happened to all girls, but it didn't stop me from dreading it. At the time I had zero conscious desire to be a boy, I just....didn't want to become a woman.

[Guest Master Zero]

7 or 8, when I found out there was a physical difference.

[Carolyn Marie]

Tuesday

Lizzy

Is that as far back as your memory goes these days, Elizabeth? I would have thought at least a month of Sundays.

Carolyn Marie