Should I Transition?

[Guest Jenth]

I really need to work through something. It’s about my desire to transition. I desire and in fact need to be treated as a girl, and I believe the best and easiest way to obtain this is to be perceived as a girl physically as well as behaviorally. Looks like a girl, talks like a girl, walks like a girl must be… I have everything except the looks. But is it just cosmetic? My concern about transition stems from my family. Most particularly my mom. She’s ok with and always knew I was “more girl than guy” but she thinks HRT is “unnatural” and will shorten my life span since it changes the “natural” way my body functions. And she may be right. Aside from eventually losing control of myself during the search for peace within myself, this body will live throughout it’s natural lifespan. I’m very healthy and have a super human immune system. So I’m projected to live a very long life. But will I be happy? My mom tells me to get over the physical distortion. A lot of people don’t like their bodies but they don’t get surgery or take medication unless it’s life threatening. Which brings up the question: Is it life threatening? Will it ever become life threatening? Can I suppress it? I look around and it seems the general demographic for transsexuals is between 40-60, and at that point I’m told it’s not a chose but a force that drives one through all the hells of the mind. I believe that. I feel like my mind is sliding down an icy slope of gender confusion where every answer springs up paradoxes, and it’s getting stronger and worse by the day. I can’t imagine living till I’m 30 as a male in a predominantly male world, so at 40 or older I can comprehend how unstoppable this feeling becomes. If I try to hold it off and suppress it am I just guaranteeing myself misery for the next 20 years that will inevitiably end in the same result? Or is there a point a key that I can find a compromise within myself? Is it possible to just get over the maleness of my body? If I grow my hair out and dress in drag while becoming a recluse from society would I find that my body doesn’t really matter? A year ago I didn’t like a lot about my body but the fact that I was male was simply a fact of life, unchangeable and unquestionable. I would have and was prepared to live throughout life as that male. Now at work I’ve begun to simply drop the semi masculine mask. I’ve switched my voice from the fabricated tenor voice to a saprano-alto. I’ve begun to dance around and stand and make comments as a girl. One coworker calls me Heather, another refers to me as her girlfriend. I’ve even begun to wear the female uniform. It feels great. So if I transition my social personality will it be enough or will it bring more pressure within myself to transition? I don’t know. I’ve slowly begun to question and cross the terrible fact of my born sex, and I’ve noticed more dysphoria. Things like I hate my body hair and receding hairline. I’ve also started noticing things bring me to tears more. Like I watched a transition video of how she looked from before hrt through 14 months on hrt. Watching the transition brought me to tears. But would this have brought me to tears if I hadn’t begun to question my own reality? Do I desire transition because I see so many others happy and doing it? Do I desire it cause it seems to be the societally pressured thing to do? Gosh darned I need a therapist.

Jenth

[JenniferB]

From reading your post Jenth, I really believe you are over-analyzing. What you need is to see a gender therapist. The GT specializes in gender issues. If you really are gender dysphoric, it would be in your best interest to find out now. Mainly because you will suffer in life by living a lie and not being true to yourself. Another aspect to consider is transitioning while young will physically make you more female than later in life. This is because testosterone will even have more of an affect over time. Still it is a very big decision and will change everything in your life. That is why a gender therapist is so important.

Good Luck and may you find what is best for you.

Jenny

[guest]

I'm not sure HRT actually shortens your lifespan. There are a couple complications (like bloodclots), but those are rare and the risk can be reduced a great deal.

But, more importantly, are you happy now? Will you be happy as you are? Why cling to a few extra years at the end of your life at the cost of being unhappy?

Though, feelings have a way of changing. Maybe there is something going on besides the transition that is causing you problems. Therapist might help, but in the end it is something only you can say.

[Carolyn Marie]

Jenth, most of the questions you asked are not ones we can answer. The answers will come from within you, with the aid of a therapist.

One question I can answer is that you don't necessarily have to transition to feel more at peace with yourself. Some people can manage their dysphoria quite well by cross dressing, or dressing and being seen as androgynous, or by doing HRT but not the GRS. What will be your answer only you will know. As Jennifer said, the first and best step is to talk with a G.T. They won't give you the answers either, but they will put you on a path to understanding yourself better, and eventually making those crucial decisions about your future.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Orva26]

I don’t know. I’ve slowly begun to question and cross the terrible fact of my born sex, and I’ve noticed more dysphoria. Things like I hate my body hair and receding hairline. I’ve also started noticing things bring me to tears more. Like I watched a transition video of how she looked from before hrt through 14 months on hrt. Watching the transition brought me to tears. But would this have brought me to tears if I hadn’t begun to question my own reality? Do I desire transition because I see so many others happy and doing it? Do I desire it cause it seems to be the societally pressured thing to do? Gosh darned I need a therapist.

HI! You sound like me.

If I'm on a task, i.e. at work and doing stuff I'm in general fine but once my mind idles, now regardless of where I am, the gears start turning and things can get pretty strange/crazy. I've also found a general dislike for my body hair, so now I shave it, well most of it still need to figure out a good method for my back.

Things bring me to tears more easily now and occasionally tears come for no explainable reason as well. I also will watch transition videos and become emotional. Sometimes tears, sometimes rage. I see the result and the observable increase in happiness, desire both, realize I'm not there yet and don't know if I should go there, then I start asking myself questions like the ones that are bold and then RAGE. Usually directed inwardly because I know I want the same thing but there is still something holding me back, some reason why those question crop up.

I've also discovered my TG/TS pet peeve... people asking if they pass when they obviously do. I'm rather envious of them, especially the ones that I find out aren't on hormones yet and still I'd have to stare for around 10 minutes before finding anything visual that would tip me off as to them being male. Meanwhile I've been told things like, "You look like a hockey player!" Well I did play hockey, roller-hockey but that's not what I'm going for so seeing really passable people go, "DUR DO I PASS????" makes me feel dead in the water.

A lot of people don’t like their bodies but they don’t get surgery or take medication unless it’s life threatening. Which brings up the question: Is it life threatening? Will it ever become life threatening? Can I suppress it? I look around and it seems the general demographic for transsexuals is between 40-60, and at that point I’m told it’s not a chose but a force that drives one through all the hells of the mind. I believe that. I feel like my mind is sliding down an icy slope of gender confusion where every answer springs up paradoxes, and it’s getting stronger and worse by the day.

Conversely, a lot of people don't like their bodies, have NO legitimate reason not to and then go get a bunch of cosmetic surgery done with minimal whining by others. Our quandary is not so trite but does that mean the noble thing to do is sit around on our butts and wait for the breaking point? Should an alcoholic wait until liver failure to go to AA? Obviously not! My confusion grows as well and it is kind of scary. I'm generally a person that can keep it together but I feel leaving this unaddressed will unhinge me.

Now at work I’ve begun to simply drop the semi masculine mask. I’ve switched my voice from the fabricated tenor voice to a saprano-alto. I’ve begun to dance around and stand and make comments as a girl. One coworker calls me Heather, another refers to me as her girlfriend. I’ve even begun to wear the female uniform. It feels great. So if I transition my social personality will it be enough or will it bring more pressure within myself to transition?

I'm beginning to try something similar but you're definitely miles ahead of me on this. I know the differences in myself but they are all minute. I wonder how I am perceived, I'm not outright feminine or masculine I think so others probably just see me as quirky. But I know the little I have done has not been enough and that the still socially observed difference between me and the females is irritating. I don't know if I can compromise in this, if I'll ever reach a point where I do nothing without wanting to do something.

Even with our similarities I cannot grant answers to you or myself. That's why therapy for me will start next week. If you can pursue this venue I think you should. What I can say is that at your level of thinking, similar to mine, the only thing you'll accomplish without help is more confusion.

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Dear Jenth,

There are some over-arching principles that you may find beneficial when answers and/or directions are not so clear.

The first is to learn how to move forward in such a way that keeps options open while possibly even exploring further options. Primum non nocere. Several other beneficial things to do include continuing your research, managing your relationship with your mother with compassion, and establishing a line of communication with the transgender and transgender health communities in your area. With regards to transgender health, working with a gender therapist is perhaps the top choice of many people, but it is certainly not the only one. Another viable approach is to attend local transgender support group meetings. Many such groups are supervised by a gender therapist and can provide a safe environment to talk with others about your feelings, desires, and decision making processes, all the while forming a local support network. Try googling "(your city/state) transgender support groups" or "transgender youth support group in (your city/state)" for a starter's list. If money is an issue, it may be worthwhile to contact the relevant people anyways, let them know of your intentions, and inquire about lower-cost alternatives.

Another principle is to keep in mind that all processes move through their phases. Depending on one's disposition and the nature of the process, one can often experience a combination of confusion, bewilderment, astonishment, and many others as one just begins. As each experience has its own potential for insight (and subsequent healing), it is important in the beginning to open oneself to each experience, fully and without judgment. It is by moving through each experience that one learns how to make the beneficial efforts that eventually result in your happiness. Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying! As the Tibetan yogi Jetsun Milarepa says

In the beginning, nothing comes;

In the middle, nothing stays;

At the end, nothing goes.

May you be safe; may you be happy; may you be healthy; may you live gracefully.

Have a wonderful day.

Heather

ps: The Milarepa quote is from the text "The Hundred Thousand Songs of Milarepa" by Garma C.C. Chang.