Reconciliation...

[Guest Roxanna L]

Hello, my friends...

Despite all the (well received) comments from others about not 'overanalysing' my problems, it has been close to impossible for me to do just that...

If my brain is presented with a conundrum, it'll work 'round-the-clock in trying to find the answer for me. It's just the way things work, for me at least...

For example, I may have forgotten someone's name. One of those 'tip of the tongue' moments, when you're getting frustrated you just can't find the answer. I usually drop the matter, and use references, in stead. But, in the back of my head, my brain keeps searching for that single neurone with the information I was looking for...

It might take just a couple of moments, or it may take days, but eventually the answer is found. And when it is, it just jumps out of my mouth, sometimes mid-sentence...

But it seems my head is stuck in an infinite loop, about my gender issues... The more my head digs up pieces of the puzzle, the more contradictions and questions arise...

I have had problems sleeping for months, now... Mostly, because of my gender issues... Going to sleep is not the problem, it's staying asleep, all night long...

(I'll have to ask my doctor for help... I don't like the idea of taking sleeping pills, but I'll do it if I have to...)

Four weeks ago, I had my second session with my therapist. Amongst other things, we discussed my (X-rated) fantasies, and how they are so terribly confusing to me... Basically from the day they surfaced, I've tried as hard as I could to force them out of my head, unsuccessfully...

If someone were to show me pictures of a couple 'making love' (Look on Wikimedia Commons for examples), I find myself incapable of empathising with the male, only the female... If I force my head to the male 'side', I can only feel confusion and disgust...

My therapist got me thinking, as she told me how I've been 'stuck up on regarding it as a bad thing, obviously'. And she's right; it's been over a decade, now, and what do I have to show for it? Very little, I'm afraid... She urged me to 'reevaluate my feelings', and I did...

As of about a week ago, I've come to believe that these fantasies are simply a part of me. I can continue to try and block them out, but they are always there... As I told my therapist, yesterday...

I also discussed my envies with her, again. How the envy doesn't focus on just the clothes, but also the bodies, the social sides, the whole enchilada... How (if I'm caught unprepared) the pain of the envy is as if someone drives a stake through my heart... This stake leaves a wound, every time... A wound, through which my soul pours out...

But back to my 'conundrum cracker', aka. my brain...

Basically, from the moment I wake, until the time I dose off, my mind keeps running circles around my head. My doubts of my GI are constant sources of stress, irritability, sleeping problems and headaches...

Life's full of crossroads, is it not? Every time I choose a direction, I end up at another. Every path I go down takes me somewhere, be it further on, back the way I came, or in circles...

My mind barrels on, like a train boring through the night...

But what does it all mean? Does it make me what I'm afraid I am? Or does it make me something else? Are all my feelings, hunches and assumptions justified? Or am I just a poor soul with chip up his/her shoulder?

I wish I knew, I just don't know... Or I do know, but I don't realise it... Or I know, and I'm kilometres deep in denial...

I know it's an answer I can only find, myself... But the way my head doesn't let up for even one single day, makes it all the more distressing...

It is always there, I can't push it away or aside... At best I can ignore it, but it is always there, in the back of my head, gnawing on me...

"...like a splinter in {my} mind, driving {me} mad..."

It's no use thinking that you're wrong

The past is old and gone

It's best to move along and find your Avalon

Bad Religion - Avalon

Which makes me wonder... Where is my Avalon? And will I ever find it? Will I ever get there...?

Hugs,

Anna

PS:

I also mentioned something else to my therapist, yesterday:

I told her how, four weeks prior, I was standing at Amsterdam Central Station, waiting for a tram ('street car' for those who don't know proper English) which would take me to her...

I told her how, while I was waiting, I felt every nerve in my body screaming at me, in fear:

"Quick! Turn around, run back into the station, jump into that train you came out of and GO!... GO!!!"

She (my GT) told me how impressed she was with my ignoring my fear, and going on anyway...

[Carolyn Marie]

It's easy for us to tell you to relax, stop over-thinking things, and all the other platitudes. It's a lot harder to actually do any of it.

You're doing exactly the right thing by bringing all these feelings up with your therapist. Sometimes progress is slow, and it seems like you don't get anywhere. But we're all different, and we all have different kinds of issues we bring to the table. I had family concerns,

and guilt to deal with, and I spent a year in therapy before moving on to a group setting.

You're asking all the right questions, Roxanna. The answers will come in due time. We'll be here to help all we can to ease your struggles.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest sarah from sweden]

Hello, my friends...

Despite all the (well received) comments from others about not 'overanalysing' my problems, it has been close to impossible for me to do just that...

If my brain is presented with a conundrum, it'll work 'round-the-clock in trying to find the answer for me. It's just the way things work, for me at least...

For example, I may have forgotten someone's name. One of those 'tip of the tongue' moments, when you're getting frustrated you just can't find the answer. I usually drop the matter, and use references, in stead. But, in the back of my head, my brain keeps searching for that single neurone with the information I was looking for...

It might take just a couple of moments, or it may take days, but eventually the answer is found. And when it is, it just jumps out of my mouth, sometimes mid-sentence...

But it seems my head is stuck in an infinite loop, about my gender issues... The more my head digs up pieces of the puzzle, the more contradictions and questions arise...

I have had problems sleeping for months, now... Mostly, because of my gender issues... Going to sleep is not the problem, it's staying asleep, all night long...

(I'll have to ask my doctor for help... I don't like the idea of taking sleeping pills, but I'll do it if I have to...)

Anna dear from what i read you're now were i was about 8-10 yers ago BEFORE i had to give up and accept and this time was a Living ....... as i too 24 /7 thought of this things back and forth,And i can sadly agree with you that this DID drive me COMPLETELY NUTS BUT it WILL get better dear and this is sadly a stage that MOST with GD issues have to go thru dear.

As fore the sleeping disorder YES as i have sed in Pm YOU HAVE to gt some help ASAP fore that dear because its not healthy ONE bit and in he long run it WILL bring you down dear so PLEASE gt some help (incl if needed sleeping meds )

Four weeks ago, I had my second session with my therapist. Amongst other things, we discussed my (X-rated) fantasies, and how they are so terribly confusing to me... Basically from the day they surfaced, I've tried as hard as I could to force them out of my head, unsuccessfully...

If someone were to show me pictures of a couple 'making love' (Look on Wikimedia Commons for examples), I find myself incapable of empathising with the male, only the female... If I force my head to the male 'side', I can only feel confusion and disgust...

Anna dear what i think is that you should TRY to LOOSE the guilt feelings dear IF this is as you say a part of you then SO be it STOP keeping to fight it dear and try to find away to LIVE with it dear WITHOUT the guilt. I know fore me that was the hardest part and WHEN i finally cut of the guilt and accepted this is who i am everything got MUSH better dear )

My therapist got me thinking, as she told me how I've been 'stuck up on regarding it as a bad thing, obviously'. And she's right; it's been over a decade, now, and what do I have to show for it? Very little, I'm afraid... She urged me to 'reevaluate my feelings', and I did...

She`s VERY right dear

As of about a week ago, I've come to believe that these fantasies are simply a part of me. I can continue to try and block them out, but they are always there... As I told my therapist, yesterday...

Thats right Anna trying to fight against you're self is a NO win battle dear (i should know i fought fore 35 yers and haven't DIDLY to show fore it )

I also discussed my envies with her, again. How the envy doesn't focus on just the clothes, but also the bodies, the social sides, the whole enchilada... How (if I'm caught unprepared) the pain of the envy is as if someone drives a stake through my heart... This stake leaves a wound, every time... A wound, through which my soul pours out...

That sounds AL to common fore us TS im afraid dear ( SIGH )

But back to my 'conundrum cracker', aka. my brain...

Basically, from the moment I wake, until the time I dose off, my mind keeps running circles around my head. My doubts of my GI are constant sources of stress, irritability, sleeping problems and headaches...

Been there dear MANY MANY hard yers

Life's full of crossroads, is it not? Every time I choose a direction, I end up at another. Every path I go down takes me somewhere, be it further on, back the way I came, or in circles...

My mind barrels on, like a train boring through the night...

I'm afraid it is dear

But what does it all mean? Does it make me what I'm afraid I am? Or does it make me something else? Are all my feelings, hunches and assumptions justified? Or am I just a poor soul with chip up his/her shoulder?

I wish I knew, I just don't know... Or I do know, but I don't realise it... Or I know, and I'm kilometres deep in denial...

No dear this is NOT a sign that you're indeed a TS and you're path is al set to transition, And you're DEFENETLY NOT a crazy person ether dear

I know it's an answer I can only find, myself...

I'm afraid so dear BUT you do have LOTS 0of help and guidances from Me and al others in here as well as over there.and together we WILL try to do our best to guide you thrue this dear

But the way my head doesn't let up for even one single day, makes it all the more distressing...

I understand dear i rely do

It is always there, I can't push it away or aside... At best I can ignore it, but it is always there, in the back of my head, gnawing on me...

"...like a splinter in {my} mind, driving {me} mad..."

I'm afraid thats how this TG works dear and so far i haven't met ANYONE that haven't nearly lost her mind during this attacks

Which makes me wonder... Where is my Avalon? And will I ever find it? Will I ever get there...?

SOMEDAY ANNA you WILL find you're inner peace dear

Hugs,

Anna

PS:

I also mentioned something else to my therapist, yesterday:

I told her how, four weeks prior, I was standing at Amsterdam Central Station, waiting for a tram ('street car' for those who don't know proper English) which would take me to her...

I told her how, while I was waiting, I felt every nerve in my body screaming at me, in fear:

"Quick! Turn around, run back into the station, jump into that train you came out of and GO!... GO!!!"

She (my GT) told me how impressed she was with my ignoring my fear, and going on anyway...

As should YOU be dear because the fact that you DIDENT give in fore you're inner fears tells me that you have becomed MUSH stronger then you were before dear PROUD of you hon

Sweet warm hugs and kisses you're friend Sarah