Coming Out...slowly

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi guys, I just needed to vent for a second. I'm sitting here at school and I just can't get my mind into what I need to do. There are a lot of things I need to be doing, like writing 2 papers and reading for a chapter I'm supposed to write with someone next month. It's just that I can't keep my mind on any of it because I keep thinking about transitioning and coming out to people. I'm stuck in this pre-T letter state of limbo and it is driving me nuts! Something is going to have to give because I'm having trouble living with this split identity.

Last week I came out to my best friend. That went well and she even said she'd go with me when I get my chest surgery. That was awesome. The problem is now that I feel even more alienated from my friends here at school. They are true friends and I don't think I will lose them when I come out to them. Still, I keep feeling like I don't want to talk to them until I have the T letter in hand. It will just feel more real then. I've been dropping little hints. I dropped some big ones today. The tattoo was a good starting point for the conversation. People that know me are generally shocked when I show it to them. Then they ask why I got it. There you go...that's my segue into the coming out conversation. I didn't really "come out" to my friends today. All I said was that the tattoo was a symbol of some struggles I'm going through. Then I told them about the issues with my s/o and said that "I'm heading down a path where *name* can't follow". They looked a little confused, but I just left it there for now. Pretty much all they know is that something is going on with me. Anyway, I feel like I've opened the door to bring up my being transgendered now, in a way. I'm planning to come out to one of my best friends from high school pretty soon. She is very open and down with whatever. I think she'll be supportive.

This morning my mother emailed me and asked if everything is okay with *name* and me. She's been sensing that something was going on with me for the past several months. Don't ask me how she knows, because I have no clue. My mom is psychic that way. I guess the frequency or tone of my communication has changed in some way I wasn't aware of. In several emails she's said that she "just wants to know that I am happy". Up until today I have always kind of evaded the question, saying things like "yeah, I'm fine...just busy". For like 2 months she would keep asking and asking and asking. She says stuff like "I feel like something isn't right with you" and "I can tell that you aren't quite right. what's wrong?". Today I finally told her that *name* and I aren't talking as much as we used to. He is a bit of a workaholic and is living in another country right now for work and I feel like we've really grown apart. So, I told my mom about that stuff and I again used the "we are heading down different paths" thing. She might interpret what I said in terms of occupation. My s/o and I are on diverging occupational paths...this is true. Still, I feel like my honest yet ambiguous answer will lead her to ask more questions. My mother loves to ask questions. Then I can answer them and start painting a true picture of what is going on with me. So, it's not like I've come out to her, but it is a start. I don't know if she will ever be able to fully accept my identity as trans. This is the same person who has said things like "Well, at least none of you are gay"....oooh...needles through the heart and feelings of conviction.

Okay, well that's it for now. I'm really looking forward to talking with my therapist this evening. I have a lot to talk about. Also, if anyone has advice about coming out to conservative parents, I'm all ears.

[Guest Drew]

Also, if anyone has advice about coming out to conservative parents, I'm all ears.

ah, conservative parents are a delight aren't they? i can sympathize with you on that. giving them scientific facts, medical papers, psychological evaluations etc. can really help. when there is absolute proof that this is not a choice but rather a medical condition they tend to see it in a different light...although, not always (i.e my mom)

good for you for starting to hint around with people...it can sometimes be a bit nerve-wracking. once you get the T letter things will go much faster, i promise.

Drew

[Guest JayJaye]

I'm in the same boat (conservative parents) and HATING this limbo-land. I was all male today and some mom in the store called me a nice lady to her toddlers. GRR. That's what I hate. I'm not female, I'm not male, but likely come across as butch, which I'm not either. I'll have my T letter next week and my therapist said I'm so grounded and normal that she won't have to see me much once I start T. But I' have to figure out my sexuality...so why not now while I'm transitioning cuz I'm not going to date until I'm 100% Jay.

I figure at my age I'm just going to come out with it once I've been on T for a while. They'll have to deal. Right now all I can deal with is my melodramatic ex who is *depressed* because I came out to him.

Jay

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I'm in the same boat (conservative parents) and HATING this limbo-land. I was all male today and some mom in the store called me a nice lady to her toddlers. GRR. That's what I hate. I'm not female, I'm not male, but likely come across as butch, which I'm not either. I'll have my T letter next week and my therapist said I'm so grounded and normal that she won't have to see me much once I start T. But I' have to figure out my sexuality...so why not now while I'm transitioning cuz I'm not going to date until I'm 100% Jay.

I figure at my age I'm just going to come out with it once I've been on T for a while. They'll have to deal. Right now all I can deal with is my melodramatic ex who is *depressed* because I came out to him.

Jay

That's awesome that you're going to get your T letter so soon! I'm close to mine. My therapist is holding out on me because I think he needs to see that I've built up a sufficient support system and that I fully understand what I'm doing.

That's probably a good idea not to date while you are going through something so big. I wish I were unattached. I probably will be unattached very shortly, once I come out to the s/o. Maybe you feel this way too, but I feel like I'm not really not able to get involved with a serious relationship until I know exactly who I am. I've always felt male, but my "real world" male identity is still evolving.

Bummer with the melodramatic ex...I hate that drama stuff. I like to say how things are and then move on.

[Guest JayJaye]

I made a joint appt with one of my therapists next week to talk to the ex and hopefully further educate him. His personal therapist spouted all sorts of misinformed psychobabble about how my son was going to be messed up in the head and have issues with women if I transition, and my ex is all over me about NOT DOING ANYTHING (meaning transition). Well, duh, dude, open your eyes!! He thinks I should be happy just knowing and dressing male. almost every conversation ends with 'you're not on hormones, are you?' Answer still no, not that it's any of his business.

Good luck with your s/o. All I can say is have lots of resources available for him, either websites, PFLAG, other things to read to help him get it. Assuming he's like my ex or like your conservative parents, he's going to have to educate himself.

Yeah, I'm still evolving. I identified sexually as 100% straight woman (though in my head I was male lacking anatomy) but I can't see myself with a man now that I'm becoming a man. I've never been interested in women, ever, sexually, but find them becoming more attractive as I transition. So we'll see what happens when I fully pass as male. Should be interesting.

Jay

[Guest jantonio]

Hey StrandedOutThere,

I know what you feel, all I've been thinking about in the past month is my transition. Specially how am I going to explain this to my parents who are not only conservatives but latins. One of the things I am planning to do is write them a hand written letter and refer memories of my childhood this way it will be easier for them to understand not with their minds but with their hearts. My therapist is also encouraging me to build a support system, which I am. I am already going to a transgender group here in Florida and they are amazing. Just remember that parents can sense when their children are concerned about something, that's the reason your mother knows something is bothering you. I am planning to come out to my parents once I start T, the reason for this is so that they don't try to discourage me from doing it. I advice you to just take your time and do it when you feel is right. I am also planning to come out at work once I start T or at least when I get my letter. Good luck.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest raydub]

Stranded!

Kudos for hinting around to friends and your mom. im glad your feeling more confident about coming out..good stuff. AND youre close to your T letter? sweet.

sigh..i can certainly attest to things being VERY difficult transitioning while "attached." saying that its hard is the understatement of the ufcking decade. granted i cant exactly imagine what she is going through, my s/o is... *sigh* i dont even know what to call it or say about it. it just makes me feel like scum of the earth sometimes - about every few days or so. its kind of rediculous. but i guess that's what it takes for things to be "okay" in the end ??? whatever.

anyway..keep us updated on the coming out stuff..and if you need somewhere to get away just start driving north on 75/85 (one or the other - not sure which comes down there) and i'll meet you for coffee at a waffle house and talk you down. ...im only HALF kidding.

Ray

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Stranded!

Kudos for hinting around to friends and your mom. im glad your feeling more confident about coming out..good stuff. AND youre close to your T letter? sweet.

sigh..i can certainly attest to things being VERY difficult transitioning while "attached." saying that its hard is the understatement of the ufcking decade. granted i cant exactly imagine what she is going through, my s/o is... *sigh* i dont even know what to call it or say about it. it just makes me feel like scum of the earth sometimes - about every few days or so. its kind of rediculous. but i guess that's what it takes for things to be "okay" in the end ??? whatever.

anyway..keep us updated on the coming out stuff..and if you need somewhere to get away just start driving north on 75/85 (one or the other - not sure which comes down there) and i'll meet you for coffee at a waffle house and talk you down. ...im only HALF kidding.

Ray

Thanks for the support, Ray! I'll most definitely let you know next time I'm in the neighborhood.

The coming out stuff is really eating at me. My therapist hasn't said so overtly, but I think he's not going to write me the letter until I have some sort of stable support network. Right now I just have the one person that knows. I'm going to have to tell my s/o and roommates soon. I had wanted to tell my mom after I was on hormones, but now I feel like I just want to be out with it and get it over with. You know, like ripping off a bandage. I'm not one to muse on things. I like to gather my strength and then run head-on into whatever is bothering me. My roommates are going out of town for the evening, so maybe I'll write mom a long note tonight. Judging from her last email, she only picked up on part of my hint. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Here's a pretty big bummer. My s/o isn't going to be back in the US until August. I really don't want to have to wait until then to tell him, but then this feels like too big of a conversation to have over the phone...using Skype. Of course, I also don't want to drop the big bomb on him as soon as he gets home. He's really exciting about coming to visit and seeing everyone. This guy is a total sweetheart. One thing is that I keep catching myself trying to invent reasons to be mad at him so I don't feel so bad...then I stop myself. I feel like such an evil jerk for what I'm going to have to tell him, so I totally know where you are coming from with the "feeling like scum of the earth sometimes" stuff. I'm right there with you.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey StrandedOutThere,

I know what you feel, all I've been thinking about in the past month is my transition. Specially how am I going to explain this to my parents who are not only conservatives but latins. One of the things I am planning to do is write them a hand written letter and refer memories of my childhood this way it will be easier for them to understand not with their minds but with their hearts. My therapist is also encouraging me to build a support system, which I am. I am already going to a transgender group here in Florida and they are amazing. Just remember that parents can sense when their children are concerned about something, that's the reason your mother knows something is bothering you. I am planning to come out to my parents once I start T, the reason for this is so that they don't try to discourage me from doing it. I advice you to just take your time and do it when you feel is right. I am also planning to come out at work once I start T or at least when I get my letter. Good luck.

Jose Antonio...

Ahh...good ol' Florida. I'm here in the oh so conservative big bend region. There's a transgender support group, but I missed the last meeting because I was out of town. That's cool that you found a group near you!

I'm so dreading telling my mother. The note she wrote me last night was all sweet and nice...telling me that it was okay to have differences with my s/o. She also said some stuff about she just wanted her kids to be happy and only have to get married once. Ugh...the pain! I wish it was as easy as saying "Hi Mom! Guess what! Not only to I like girls, but I'm actually a boy! Whooohoo!". Alas...

[Guest JayJaye]

I'm so dreading telling my mother. The note she wrote me last night was all sweet and nice...telling me that it was okay to have differences with my s/o. She also said some stuff about she just wanted her kids to be happy and only have to get married once. Ugh...the pain! I wish it was as easy as saying "Hi Mom! Guess what! Not only to I like girls, but I'm actually a boy! Whooohoo!". Alas...

I thought your s/o was male? Your religious parents are fine with you being with a woman? I think I missed something!!

Anyway, I have a letter you can borrow that I borrowed and customized from another transguy. I have to go to work now, but email me and I can send it in the morning. I thought he did a fantastic job with it, that's why I stole it. LOL

Jay

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I thought your s/o was male? Your religious parents are fine with you being with a woman? I think I missed something!!

Anyway, I have a letter you can borrow that I borrowed and customized from another transguy. I have to go to work now, but email me and I can send it in the morning. I thought he did a fantastic job with it, that's why I stole it. LOL

Jay

My current s/o is a guy. The thing is that I have always been more attracted to women. In fact, I am still in love with a woman I dated between 2002 and 2004. We lived together and were in a semi-normal relationship. My parents never knew. No they wouldn't be fine with me being a woman. They won't be fine with me being a man. They were so "not fine" with me being with a woman that they were able to fool themselves into ignoring the obvious. Hmm...I lived with this girl for 2 years, neither of us dated, and we were together all the time. How could you miss that?

I guess what I'm deciding is if telling my mom that I'm, at the very least, bisexual will soften the blow of telling her I am transgendered. I don't know. It's like I feel like the two go together. I feel like I have two things to come out about...not just the one.

I'd love to see that letter. I'll shoot you an email. ...or if you think about it, there is a link to my email on my profile page. Thanks!!!

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

While I'm at it, why not just come out to some more people. I just hit "send" on an email to one of my closest friends from high school. She wanted to know about the tattoo and about the "life changes" I had mentioned. Well, one she reads the message she'll know it all.

Seriously though...I think the email to my mom is going to come sooner rather than later. Sooner being tomorrow or Sunday. Maybe tomorrow would be better so she can go to church and pray about it on Sunday. I sure wish there was a way around this stuff.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hooray!!! Here's the reply I got back from my friend:

I don't have the time to write the reply I want to write, but...::hugs:: and congrats on

figuring yourself out. Stay strong, but I barely need to tell you that, because you

are *so* awesome. And, no matter what, you will always have family in XXXX when and if

you need them. And family in XX, too, for that matter. More hugs. I'm very happy for

you. I wish I could write more, but we're on a time schedule today, so I can't linger.

Can you see how I'm cherry picking the people I come out to right now? Ah...I just keep putting the difficult ones off more and more. Still, for me, this feels like a great victory!

[Guest Drew]

congrats Stranded ! i'm happy that your friend took it so well...you're slowly building your support network

[Guest Zarek.Dark-Hunter]

Hey Stranded, not a pleasant thought - coming out to the folks... Like waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Good luck with that!! Unfortunately it's something which MUST be done. If nothing else, it'll put hair on your chest.

The way in which you handle it will determine how they adapt to the "new & improved" YOU. You may be used to the idea by now, but bear in mind that they aren't, and it's all new for them (whether it's been staring them in the face for years, or not), use your discretion.

I'm glad your friend has accepted both you and your situation.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey Stranded, not a pleasant thought - coming out to the folks... Like waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Good luck with that!! Unfortunately it's something which MUST be done. If nothing else, it'll put hair on your chest.

The way in which you handle it will determine how they adapt to the "new & improved" YOU. You may be used to the idea by now, but bear in mind that they aren't, and it's all new for them (whether it's been staring them in the face for years, or not), use your discretion.

I'm glad your friend has accepted both you and your situation.

For me, coming out to the folks is even less pleasant because I have to do it twice (divorced). First, I'll tell Mom...and let the information trickle out from there. Then, I'll tell Dad, who will take it a little better. I keep wanting to put it off and put if off, but I just can't.

Well, onward into the fray!!! This isn't going away, so there isn't much point in hiding it any longer.

[Guest Zarek.Dark-Hunter]

For me, coming out to the folks is even less pleasant because I have to do it twice (divorced). First, I'll tell Mom...and let the information trickle out from there. Then, I'll tell Dad, who will take it a little better. I keep wanting to put it off and put if off, but I just can't.

Well, onward into the fray!!! This isn't going away, so there isn't much point in hiding it any longer.

Good Luck!!

[Guest raydub]

Can you see how I'm cherry picking the people I come out to right now? Ah...I just keep putting the difficult ones off more and more. Still, for me, this feels like a great victory!

Dude! ...SWEET!

Really though? Cherry pick away man...youve gotta figure this out in the most comfortable and supportive way possible. Its really just looking out for your better interests you know?

Congratulations on expanding your network more (like Drew said). Its good stuff!

Let us know how things go with mom.

Good luck and keep going!!!

Ray