What Would You Be Prepared To Sacrifice For True Peace Of Mind?

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

I know that it’s a hard topic to confront , however it’s reality and many of us here have paid a price for being true to ourselves…

However, for some there was little if any price to pay and for others this price has been somewhat minimal example lose of job, but sadly for many the cost has been heavy …

A strange phenomena is in some instances, at first friends and love ones are supportive, apprehensive but supportive just the same, but then after a while this supportiveness starts to wither away…

Reading the history/comments of some members here bears testament to this fact…

But I should also point out that in some cases the opposite has happened … First there’s resentment on the part of the love one/friend then ‘realisation’ and that’s when the ‘unconditional’ love kicks in …

BTW If you're wondering... I lose my home,job[but losing the job could have just been how things were heading anyway and necessarily because I was transsexual] plus a marriage of 15 years, but not my children nor my family in the UK, my ex and I lead separate lives and have what I would call a cool but amicable relationship So I guess my lose was minimal, that is a small price to pay…

Metta Zenda:)

[Fixed it to allow multiple answers - Lizzy]

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My parents were already deceased

Add - 'all your savings'

Add - 'your profession' [this is different from losing your job]

Add - 'your possessions'

Add - 'your community" - had to relocate

Add - 'ALMOST your life'

Just some more things that happen...

Lizzy

[Guest Maria_B]

One can be willing to risk it, but not be able to handle losing it, Zenda.

I would be willing to risk it myself, all of it, but would I handle losing it? Maybe, maybe not.

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Lizzy,

It's true, there's heaps more that could be added to the list however I just felt that the above list covers most of those that are close to the individual...

When we move[and many people do both cis and trans] we often lose contact with our old community...For many trans-people it's a fresh start, new place, new experience, new life. This could also mean new profession too ...

For some trans-people, stepping across the gender divide, means stepping into a whole new world ...A brave new [and at times a little scary] world ...But a world of our 'choice/making' ...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Maria,

So true...That's why it's so important to try and get ones 'mental' house in as best order as possible for when starting to cross that rickety bridge that bridges the divide, looking down or back and all could be lost !

Metta Zenda

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Kathleen,

Sorry to hear about your wife's ill health, you truly do face an ethical/moral dilemma...But you must do what your heart tells you, either way there could be 'regrets'...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Whitenail]

When I first began seriously thinking about transition I established that I would be prepared to sacrifice everything if it meant I could successfully transition, and I stick by that. However, like Maria's already said, it's the question of whether I'd be capable of putting my money where my mouth is that I can't answer, you'll hve to get back to me in a few years with that one.

[Drea]

One can be willing to risk it, but not be able to handle losing it, Zenda.

I would be willing to risk it myself, all of it, but would I handle losing it? Maybe, maybe not.

Very asute observation Maria. I think it is much easer to intellectually decide and be willing to risk certain losses, but the emotional impact isn't something so easy to quantify. And how it plays out over time is anyone's guess. For those who are yet to transition there is the anticipated benefit. For those in transition and recently transitioned there is the immediate experienced benefit. And then there is the benefit as experienced over the long term.

From what I observed, those things that are totally lost generally are accepted as lost and the person moves on. How they handle it during that period of grief varies as much as the person. What seems to be the thing that is the most difficult are those things which are lost, but not totally lost. For example, children or a spouse who is willing to accept one back on a condition such as giving up the idea of transitioning.

The losses which aren't totally lost can set up a longer term struggle which isn't as easy as going through a grief process (not easy in itself). So 4 or 5 years down the road, the question you raise Maria in such situation is even more relevent.

Unfortuantly I don't think there is a way to actually "know" how one will feel down the road.

[Guest Kristi Lyn]

In my experiences especially with family there was loss initially and my kids have gone back and forth on their acceptance. Some family have come back around but some stay away. Lots of friends were lost but the true friends were not lost. When I started down this lonely road of transition I was asked this question by my GT. My reply was I was willing to risk it all because I was concerned about not being there anyway if I didn't transition. With the losses I can say I wasn't totally prepared for them but handled them fairly well. My couselors have been astute in guiding me to a positive outlook on transitioning and dealing with any grief associated with losses. So where there is loss there is also gain. It's a trade off I guess but a decision I have no regrets about and for those who chose to stay or even come back as friends or family they notice I am a much happier person.

Kristi

[Guest BeckyTG]

Very asute observation Maria. I think it is much easer to intellectually decide and be willing to risk certain losses, but the emotional impact isn't something so easy to quantify. And how it plays out over time is anyone's guess. For those who are yet to transition there is the anticipated benefit. For those in transition and recently transitioned there is the immediate experienced benefit. And then there is the benefit as experienced over the long term.

From what I observed, those things that are totally lost generally are accepted as lost and the person moves on. How they handle it during that period of grief varies as much as the person. What seems to be the thing that is the most difficult are those things which are lost, but not totally lost. For example, children or a spouse who is willing to accept one back on a condition such as giving up the idea of transitioning.

The losses which aren't totally lost can set up a longer term struggle which isn't as easy as going through a grief process (not easy in itself). So 4 or 5 years down the road, the question you raise Maria in such situation is even more relevent.

Unfortuantly I don't think there is a way to actually "know" how one will feel down the road.

Nice post, Drea and good observation, Maria. Nice topic Zenda.

In my case, the risk of losing all those things kept me in denial for far too many decades of my life. I was close to losing the will to live about the time I found Laura's and learned that it IS possible to transition and still have a successful life.

I looked at losing ALL the things I'd spent my whole life to earn and said it would be worth it. Whether I could have handled it or not is another question...

As it is, my own transition is going far better than I could have ever dreamed. I believe now that our acceptance is based less on transgender and more on who we are and how we relate to people. If you're a likable person and a valuable member of the team at work, you're more likely to get support from friends and community. We get what we expect to get, same as anybody else.

Becky

[Guest Avery F]

So far I've only lost basically one of my parents, but I'd be willing to lose pretty much everything except my best friend. Even that, I guess I'm willing to risk, as I have to come out to her and that may cause at least some awkwardness in our friendship.

Some of the things, like spouse and kids, don't apply to me obviously... and I feel awful for those people who do end up losing one or both of those. I would imagine losing a spouse would be like losing a friend, only more intense - and I CAN'T imagine what losing a kid would be like, only that it would be absolutely horrible.

[Sally]

Kia Ora Zenda,

I checked every item except children because I have never had any.(But that was tied to my GID so in a sense I guess I was willing to lose that too.)

The term willing is not necessarily accurate because we do lose things that we never wanted to, expected to or even thought that we could survive if we did, more accurate would be what can you lose and still continue.

I lost more than a job, I owned the business, divorced, lost my parents and only sister (they still talk to me on occasions but will never even consider that I am trans just stupid and misguided)moved to a new city so I have lost touch with everyone and sadly I have a job where I still work as male so I stand to lose all of those friends when I finally come out there.

How did I handle all of this?

Pretty well actually, I got very depressed - that is just a sign of being human - and only one serious suicide attempt that I stopped on my own and realized that for all of the things that I lost I had actually gained something very special - friends who loved me for who I really am and incredible feeling of finally being myself, there is no way to describe that feeling to anyone who has not suffered as we have so they just look at what we are giving up and can never see that the gain of one's self far outweighs any losses.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest KimberlyF]

I don't know? One day at a time I guess.

This discussion just painfully reminds me of the Mike Penner/Christine Daniels story.

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/11/30/should-we-remember-mike-penner-or-christine-daniels/

According to psychologists, most transgender people who choose to "detransition" do so as a result of external pressures resulting from their public gender transition, and not because they no longer internally identify as transgender. 

My honest answer is as always I want to do the least and risk the least I have to while doing what I feel I have to do to stay sane and stay alive unlike too many others before me.

For some of us, sadly, I like some of the stuff we lose can devastate us as much as not transitioning and have the same end result. So we kinda have to keep our eyes on each other. Not just what's said...but what's not said.

Kim

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora

Sadly it’ s true, one will never truly know how one’s gonna feel until one is actually experiencing the reality of one’s actions…

Sometimes what we often term as ‘being set free’ is in fact just another life sentence for some, where ones cell bars are made of guilt, regret and reinforced by loneliness…

It’s as if the euphoria that erupts at the beginning of ones transition can for some, block out the true reality of it all…

Even if one de-transitioned for the sake of ones family, their life will never be the same. Love ones will always have [at the back of their minds], the ‘what ifs’ , and ‘trust’ no doubt will be wafer thin…

It’s a sad fact that there are some trans-people who transition and every thing seem to be hunky dory for the first few months, [even a year or two if the euphoria is still present], but after the euphoric feelings begin to wane reality can set in…

A more ‘positive’ way to look at all this is, if one does transition one may ‘lose’ love ones and friends, but this loss in a way is also setting the love ones ‘free’ , giving them the opportunity to move on and get on with their lives…

Nothing in life is 'permanent' and the more one tries to cling to ‘impermanence’ the more one will suffer…This is 'reality' a fact of life!

Metta Zenda:)