What Were/are Your Greatest Fears ?

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora! {Wow a non poll topic-I'm impressed }

For all you post transitioners, prior to transitioning what were you greatest fears ? And did any eventuate ?

And for all you pre transitioners what are your greatest fears ?

Hopefully your replies will go some way in helping to relieve the anxieties of some new members ...

for your participation...

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself!"

It's all in the mind...

Metta Zenda:)

[Guest Emily Ray]

My biggest fear was the loss of my family's acceptance! It was a rather silly fear because for the most part I had stopped being a part of their lives for over eight years. I had walked away from them because to be close would only serve to remind me just how much I wanted their love, but didn't desrerve it.

No it never came true. Infact they all love me and knowing that has made me much more confident.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Emily,

It's funny how at times our minds tend to blow things all out of proportion What if?- what if?- what if?

I'm happy to hear that things have turned out alright for you and your family ...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Before transitioning - WAY before transitioning? Never finding resolution. I was prepared for whatever, even living the lie, as long as I could find peace.

When I found out and accepted transition, in the beginning? Losing my wife. I tried everything I knew to try to make it work. It took over two years, but now I am divorced. As it turned out, she wasn't what I thought she was. So my worries were for naught, my path was in another direction.

As I neared full time? That I would die alone. But the world does not work that way. I have someone who loves me unconditionally, as I love her unconditionally. And my new friends are real, and accepting, one whom I love as if she was my true sister, and another like a brother!. And my children and their husbands accept and support me.

It isn't as dark as it seems sometimes, we just cannot see the future. We have to wait it out. Unfair? Maybe! It is what it is.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Pre-transition my biggest fears were not blending in as a woman, losing my home, wife, job, money and possessions....

And, I'll be danged!

I DO blend in as a woman!

Cool.......

Donna Jean

[Guest Mina89]

Having only just started, the fear of never being accepted as a woman is probably the biggest one. I fear that more than ridicule, poverty, homelessness,and even death.

I worry that I'll never be able to find love.

Dying alone is another biggie. Ohmigod!

-Valerie

[Guest HoWeVeRmine]

I am completely pre-transition and a newbie and all that good stuff ;D

My biggest fear about transitioning is ... well, I guess never passing as a guy, physically... Having those close to me never truly think of me as a guy, even if they try to and are loving and supporting... and making my parentals feel awkward and uncomfortable with others' criticism of their child (because I honestly don't care, but they might).

And er... I think that's about it. When it comes to these types of things, I think the actual thoughts, but I don't register them as what kind of feelings they are (like in this case, fears, etc.) so I really had to rack my brain for this one haha.

[Guest 1up]

My biggest fears in no particular order are

- not being taken seriously or not "deserving" to go through trans because i was in denial for so long and might have played the charade too well.

- not blending in as a woman; looking like a man in a dress

- not having the money or support to successfully transition

- hurting others by changing their lives in unanticipated ways

- not really being trans; possibly having OCD or going through an identity crisis

- in relation to the above, not being able to turn around once certain things are done

- not being able to return to a state or normality and peace which could be had if i lived the lie.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Zenda:

Great topic, hon. Thanks for starting it.

Well, I'm moreorless in mid-mid to late-mid transition. Greatest fears? Hmmm, in no particular order, they would be:

* That I won'd pass. I don't.

* That my gender therapist would hate me. She does.

* That I'll lose my wife. I will.

* That I'd lose my job. I did.

* That I will face financial ruin. I am.

* That I'll face homelessness. I am.

* That I'll die alone. I will.

* That I'd alienate everybody. I do.

* That transforum members would hate me. They do.

* That I'll never experience love/sex again. I won't.

* That people will yearn for my demise. They do.

* That I'll be dead soon. Probably will.

* That nobody will miss me. They won't.

Now, other than THOSE, I have no issues. Sorry. Just answering truthfully. So, I'm actually an abject failure. Maybe I deserve to be. Maybe I don't. Either way, I am. Maybe it's destiny.

Sorry to be a downer here, Zenda. However, you asked, and I answered ... truthfully. Quite likely, this may be my last year alive. If, in my own obnoxious way, I've encouraged even one person or brightened even one life, then my life will not have been lived in vain ... only mostly so.

May all of you find the love and happiness you seek and deserve. I'm hoping for the best for all of you.

Peace & Godspeed

Lacey Lynne

[Guest tiffany_marie]

Pre transitioner:

Biggest fear hands down is employment.

Was scared to confide in family and friends, but not nearly as scared as I thought I was... as evident by getting to nearly everyone in a matter of weeks after finding self acceptance.

I'm also scared about passing issues....

In the end employment fears take the cake though, after all a person has to make a living somehow and I've read horror stories about people getting fired for being trans and people having difficulty finding another job, also for being trans.

[Guest Zenda]

Zenda:

Great topic, hon. Thanks for starting it.

Well, I'm moreorless in mid-mid to late-mid transition. Greatest fears? Hmmm, in no particular order, they would be:

* That I won'd pass. I don't.

* That my gender therapist would hate me. She does.

* That I'll lose my wife. I will.

* That I'd lose my job. I did.

* That I will face financial ruin. I am.

* That I'll face homelessness. I am.

* That I'll die alone. I will.

* That I'd alienate everybody. I do.

* That transforum members would hate me. They do.

* That I'll never experience love/sex again. I won't.

* That people will yearn for my demise. They do.

* That I'll be dead soon. Probably will.

* That nobody will miss me. They won't.

Now, other than THOSE, I have no issues. Sorry. Just answering truthfully. So, I'm actually an abject failure. Maybe I deserve to be. Maybe I don't. Either way, I am. Maybe it's destiny.

Sorry to be a downer here, Zenda. However, you asked, and I answered ... truthfully. Quite likely, this may be my last year alive. If, in my own obnoxious way, I've encouraged even one person or brightened even one life, then my life will not have been lived in vain ... only mostly so.

May all of you find the love and happiness you seek and deserve. I'm hoping for the best for all of you.

Peace & Godspeed

Lacey Lynne

Kia Ora Lacey,

You're wise, intelligent and witty,and I'm sure other forum members would agree...However I 'disagree' with most of what's on your list...But it does sounds like right now you're going through a rough patch...

Hang in there and remember, nothing is 'permanent', how you feel about your life right now will change for the better...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Doodlen]

I think my only big fear is my parents.

-I know my friends would be ok with it, they don't see me as female anyway.

-I'm extremely lucky with work, because three of my managers and very openly gay, and my head manger helps with the yearly drag queen shows and has many trans friends. I really lucked out and I'm really close with all my managers and I happen to have found the possibly most LGBT-friendly workplace ever <3

-My younger brother would accept me, we always joke that he's the sister and I'm the brother cuz I've always been kinda guy-ish and he's always been fairly girly. I actually bought him a bracelet for his bday last year that says "Favourite Little Sister" on it and he wears it every day

My mom, I know, would never accept it. She'd be openly against it, and most likely cut me off.

But I think I'm more afraid of what my dad would think. Because I KNOW my mom would react badly, I can prepare myself for it. But I have no idea what my dad would think. And even worse, even if my dad had a problem with it, he would never tell me. My dad's not the type to come out and say anything, he'd keep it to himself to avoid hurting me. But I dunno if I could handle hurting him and never knowing for sure what he thinks about it.

It's gonna be hard coming out to my parents, but maybe someday I can.

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Hi :-)

Must there exist "fear"?

Heather

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Heather,

Quote "Must there exist fear?"

"There is 'no'thing to fear but fear itself!"

Remove the illusion of a permanent self and fear will not exist! 'No'thing to cling too...

Metta Zenda

[Guest N. Jane]

My greatest fear was that I would never be able to do anything about the situation I was in. I grew up in the 1950's and 60's and it was a time when it was all unknown and nobody was willing to help and few would even listen. Surgery was rare and ridiculously expensive and there was no legal means to even transition. The average life expectancy of a transsexual without treatment was 25 years and my time was running out. I was on HRT by 18 and had a "psychological evaluation" supporting what I wanted to do but no surgeon.

I believed I was a girl all thought childhood but that was shaken and I wasn't so sure by my mid teens that I was anything other than just "a freak". I had no idea WHAT I would be if I transitioned but that didn't matter because I would be dead if I didn't.

When I found a surgeon (age 24) I was scared to death that something would happen and I wouldn't make it to the hospital on time or that the surgeon would decline to do surgery after the interview.

All the fears went away when I woke up after surgery and realized it was DONE. It didn't matter what lay ahead because I was finally ME and I had the best sleep of my life!

Everything turned out fine, better than fine!!

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Hi Zenda :-)

So did "fear" ever exist?

Heather

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Heather,

Do you exist?

Answer this and you will have answered your question...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Orva26]

Its strange, after yesterday I have awoken with heightened resolve. Suppose that is good since if I didn't my father would've probably been right... but the no. 1 thing I fear at the moment is my father using the financial leverage he still has over me (I owe him money) to guilt me into not progressing. Its kind of a real irrational fear though. Regardless of how vehemently he may or will oppose things I don't think him a person to do that kind of thing.

I guess I still have a tiny part of me that fears I could be wrong in everything too.

[Guest Dakota.P]

My biggest fear is that the people I love will push me away.

And there is also the question of "what if I am wrong?"

[Sally]

My biggest fears were very much like the others, a fear of not being accepted, losing my wife, my home, basically everything - I have.

I was not afraid of my family not accepting me but they haven't.

The only fears remaining are losing my job when I come out there and never being able to afford the SRS.

Sometimes what we fear never happens, sometimes it does - such is the nature of life.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jenth]

Zenda:

Great topic, hon. Thanks for starting it.

Well, I'm moreorless in mid-mid to late-mid transition. Greatest fears? Hmmm, in no particular order, they would be:

* That I won'd pass. I don't.

* That my gender therapist would hate me. She does.

* That I'll lose my wife. I will.

* That I'd lose my job. I did.

* That I will face financial ruin. I am.

* That I'll face homelessness. I am.

* That I'll die alone. I will.

* That I'd alienate everybody. I do.

* That transforum members would hate me. They do.

* That I'll never experience love/sex again. I won't.

* That people will yearn for my demise. They do.

* That I'll be dead soon. Probably will.

* That nobody will miss me. They won't.

Now, other than THOSE, I have no issues. Sorry. Just answering truthfully. So, I'm actually an abject failure. Maybe I deserve to be. Maybe I don't. Either way, I am. Maybe it's destiny.

Sorry to be a downer here, Zenda. However, you asked, and I answered ... truthfully. Quite likely, this may be my last year alive. If, in my own obnoxious way, I've encouraged even one person or brightened even one life, then my life will not have been lived in vain ... only mostly so.

May all of you find the love and happiness you seek and deserve. I'm hoping for the best for all of you.

Peace & Godspeed

Lacey Lynne

It's often darkest right before the dawn. If you're at rock bottom the only direction left is up. Countless sayings exist to this affect. Why? Because we like to lie to ourselves? Or because it's true? The answer to that I find is often more about attitude and determination than reality's harsh hand. The only true failure is the one that gives up. I'm certain that if you search for a way to improve your life and reach out to the world for help, it will come. Seek new employment and join volunteer groups. Go to support groups. Maybe move, or go back to school paying for life through scholarships. Survival comes down to realizing that if the glass is empty it's up to us to refill it. Attitude makes all the difference. For example I bet I can prove at least a couple of your fears wrong. Wanna try an experiment? Stop posting to Laura's for a month. I guarantee someone will notice. I also guarantee that the same people who notice you stopped posting will be the same people who miss you should anything unfortunate happen. Notice I said unfortunate instead of fortunate. How do you know your GT hates you? Did you ask em? If they hate you then why go back? Why not improve the situation and find another one? If there's not another one in your area why not try one of the online ones? And while (though I haven't seen here at Laura's) some Transforum members may hate you there are others who have found your knowledge and experiences as well as advice invaluable and love you for it.

Hoping you peace and the strength to weather the storm.

Heathy

And to answer Zenda's question:

I fear losing my family. I think that's the only thing that I could lose and not regain in a better form. I also fear that I may have an adverse reaction to the hormones and complications would either force a halt to transition or kill me.

Heathy

[Carolyn Marie]

Hands down: Losing my family, especially the love and respect of my son.

Happily, that seems no longer to be an issue, and my fear is dispelled.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

My biggest fear was rejection by the family, but it was a reality I knew I would have to confront and face the fact that if they did reject me, would I be able to continue on this path without family support?

Another big fear of mine, being a perfectionist, is the fear of failure. That I wouldn't be able to do it. That no matter the hormones I took or all the time spent getting all the nuances right that it wouldn't make a difference and I'd just be seen as a guy in a dress.

And yet another fear of mine is going through all these changes and starting a new life and then not finding that special someone to share life with and that I'd die alone.

I also had a fear of being laughed at, harrassed, mocked, insulted, etc. whenever I'd go out in public but each time that fear rose it's ugly head I would just tell myself, "Liz...you look the part, you act the part, you ARE a woman. There's no reason for anyone to make fun of you. Besides, their problem with you is not your problem to solve."

[Guest Tara Ann]

Going to a doctor to ask for help is number one. Learning to become a woman is another. From voice/speech to make-up to learning fashion and all the things in-between.

[Guest Risu]

Well... in 2006 I gave up my job, family, home, friends and dog to take a chance with someone I thought loved me and would be able to accept me always. I guess in a sense I expected to lose everything mentioned above and so gave it up before it could be take away. The only thing I lost was the guy I sacrificed so much for and all the bridges I thought I had burned. But in fact they were all refurbished and I was able to come home to all of those who really mattered and I was amazed at the amount of love and support I had received from the people I least expected it from.

Now I am begining transition again and my biggest fears are "Am I making the right decision" and "looking like a man in a dress". I am pretty sure I am making the right choice but I am still unsure about the last one.

Thank you for making this topic Zenda. It is very informative and nice to know I am not alone in more ways than one. Let's conquer our "fears" together!