Severe, Severe, Severe Dysphoria.

[Guest Carter L]

Hey, all...

My dysphoria is taking over my life. I can hardly feel happy anymore and I cry every time I take off my shirt. I cry at night. Wearing two binders still isn't enough because it doesn't look natural. I have to watch my friends shave and feel left out and jealous and lonely. I'm so sick of this. The only thing keeping me from ending it all is my SO. It's affecting every part of my life. I don't want to leave my room because I'm ashamed of my appearance. I don't want to move my arms over my chest because just feeling the tiny bumps under my binder disgusts me. I don't want this body. I hate it.

-Carter.

[Sally]

Carter,

I understand the feelings, I have had them for far too long, I might be heading the other direction but the dysphoria is the same.

Transitioning is a long and painfully slow process - we all want to be the way we should be right now but that is not the way that it works, as for watching your friends shave and being jealous - I didn't start shaving until I was 20 (of course now I wish that I had never needed to but back then I wanted to fit in and 'be normal')

Hang on and know that things get better as you go along take the baby steps and the changes will occur.

Love ya

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I would trade you in a second! That shows you how bad we are - being wrong bodied! YIKES!

I have said this to a few FTM people and it seems to strike a chord.

Just go through life knowing you are a man, a female bodied man, but definitely a man. It's the way it is, and if things work out, and the $$$ show up, you can start fixing that body.

We MTF have better results with the HRT because it ADDS the breasts we so miss. BUT we cannot get away from our dysphoria over those things a FTM so wants, beard, muscles, and a penis (not necessarily in that order - grin). But you get the point I think.

Dysphoria, when it strikes hard, will ruin your day. Hell, it might run your week, the month, your entire life!

We have to deal with it. To rue the day you were born, and to think of the wasted life in the wrong gender? THAT WAY LIES MADNESS!

So (this is strange from a MTF) - MAN UP - be a man, just let people know you are a 'work in progress.' It's an attitude I know, but LIVE IT. You must accept yourself and let it be what you are.

Preaching - I know... sorry

Lizzy

[guest]

There is a lot more to being a guy than just how big of a bump you have on your chest o.O 99.999 percent of the time, the body is irrelevant (and really, it is a crap shoot as to what type of body a guy gets... my super tiny skinny asian friend with no muscles doesn't have dysphoria over "not being man enough", because, well, he knows he is a guy even if he doesn't look like the hulk or that he has a smaller body than most girls).

Basically, be a guy. Do what you can about your body (and keep moving forward, working out and whatever else), and then for the rest of the time just go about your life.

Being "a guy" isn't real. There is no "a guy". All guys are treated differently. I have one friend that is super muscular and hardcore, people are intimidated by him and keep their distance. I have another friend that is big and cuddly and soft and everyone is drawn to and jokes around with. They have 2 VERY different lives in terms of how they are treated (and yet, are both "guys"). One likes sports, the other one not so much. But, they are both guys... because that is how they both consider themselves. No one can go and say "you aren't a guy because you can't lift 50 pounds" or "you can't be a guy today because your chest is kind of lumpy".

People treat and see eachother as individuals. They don't treat you "as a guy" or "as a girl" (though, gender does play a role, it depends how gender strong you are presenting... but most people fall more towards the middle, reguardless of being trans or not. The amount that gender influences the way people treat you is FAR less than people would have you believe).

Ever known a "nice young man"? You know, the ones that parents let their children around and is treated gently? The type that is a bit more shy? Dresses a bit nicer and very clean with no facial hair? Is he being treated "as a guy" or "as a girl"? He obviously isn't being treated the same way as the "big manly man", who ooozes testosterone. Yet, he obviously isn't being treated as "girly girl" who cries at the slightest issue and covers herself in pink. Again, he is an individual and the world interacts with him beyond some binary gender rule.

So, if you want to be a guy... go do it. Go do what you want to do and behave how you want to behave and the world will treat you more towards the masculine spectrum. And, when you are alone, how people treat you is no longer an issue. You can be 100 percent guy and do 100 percent whatever you want as yourself. The only thing holding you back at that point is how you look at YOURSELF. If you are judging yourself as "oh, i'm just a girl", then obviously even alone you are going to have trouble relaxing and being who you are. Once you get past the idea that a couple random physical features "make you a girl", you will be a lot happier.

Go look at pictures of guys with similar features to realize that it really means nothing (the same way MTF's search out famous attractive women with larger chins or noses to realize that their nose doesn't disqualify them from "ever being a woman"). Once you really understand that guys come in all shapes and sizes (beyond the ideal superman), it will be a lot easier to accept whatever features you have.

And, to get you started, does this guy need to give up hope because he happens to have boobies? I don't see him wearing a bra or with ribbons in his hair... so I'm guessing he isn't buying it.

Edited February 7, 2011 by MaryEllen
Image showing nudity removed

[JJ]

When my daughter's fiance moved in it amped up my dysphoria to an almost unbearable point because he walked around so casually male. I understand how bad it feels. How wrong it feels. But part of being a man is being strong. Part of being trans is being patient.

You WILL get this taken care of. It takes both time and determination. Use that pain to fuel your determination. Use your manhood to stand strong and get through the steps that have to be taken. Because you can and will live your life in the world as a man. It's doable. And because you have suffered, had to be strong and had to learn determination and patience you will also be a good man.

That is worth waiting for and worth fighting for.

John

[guest]

Hehe a guy without his shirt on counts as nudity? o.O

[Guest jamiejcmo]

Cater just be yourself. Relax and just let the guy come out. People will see the true you if let them. Quit thinking like a girl and be who you are inside. Over time people will notice a man and not a girl. We have all been where you are at one time. I know its easier said than done but things will change over time and in a couple of years you will look back and it will seem like a lifetime ago. Take care.

[Guest Carter L]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter to me if the "average guy" has or doesn't have lumps on his chest, THEY'RE ON MY GOD Gosh darned CHEST AND I WANT THEM GONE. THEY NEED TO GO THE love AWAY OR I'M GONNA GET RID OF THEM MYSELF. My personality's guy enough. It's my body that I don't recognize in the God loves you loving mirror. nuts, I don't even recognize my face. I loving hate this and I want to kill myself. So don't give me male bovine crap about how it doesn't matter that there are lumps on my chest because to me IT loving MATTERS.

[Guest Carter L]

MAN UP - be a man, just let people know you are a 'work in progress.'

Yeah, this would be good advice if I didn't already do that. It's different when you have to look in the mirror and want to kill what you see there.

Being "a guy" isn't real. There is no "a guy".

I don't want to be a guy, I want to be myself.

That is worth waiting for and worth fighting for.

John, your advice has been the best and most helpful thus far.

Quit thinking like a girl

Boy, you know just what to say to someone who's basically suicidal, don't ya. Y'know, I'm actually pretty offended by this. For so many reasons, none of which have to do with me thinking like a girl or a guy, because you don't think like a girl or a guy you think like you think and that's from how you were raised.

[JJ]

Don't know if this will help you or not but part of what pushed me over the edge to transition was watching a video and receiving a shock of recognition that the man in the video had a body identical to mine at his age except for the chest and my smaller waist

. I know what I CAN look like and when the dysphoria comes rolling over me I watch it-again and again if necessary because I know that is where I'm going. And where I'm going pushes out where I am or at least makes me able to bear it while I fight for what I want.

Find someone with your shoulders and hands and length of body or leg to body and picture that . It helps to have something concrete like that to see when it gets hard. At least for me

My chest dysphoria is my biggest issue right now but I keep remembering where I'm going and what I'm aiming for and I know how it will feel to be there. It makes the future real.

Hope this helps you. Pm me if you want. We are expecting the worst snow storm in our history tonight and tomorrow so if I don't answer for awhile please be patient.

Stay strong buddy.

John

[guest]

Are you seeing a therapist? I think talking to one could probably help a lot to sort some things out. There seems to be more going on than just if you have breasts or not.

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

actually carter, there is a rare condition were guys do develop breasts, and you know what it dosnt make them any less of a man.

[Guest Carter L]

Pm me if you want.

I will when I get the time. It's very busy up here at school. Thank you again for your help.

Are you seeing a therapist?

My parents, both therapists themselves, believe that I am "doing this for attention" and that they don't need to "pay someone to be my friend." So no, I'm not. Even though schools have recommended it for four years now.

actually carter, there is a rare condition were guys do develop breasts, and you know what it dosnt make them any less of a man.

I know. It's called Gynecomastia. My friend has it and another one of my friends got surgery for it. I think you may have missed my post where I made it VERY clear that being "less of a man" isn't the issue here. It's that I have the god damned things. It's not right FOR ME. I. DON'T. CARE. WHAT. OTHER. GUYS. HAVE. IT'S. ABOUT. BEING. COMFORTABLE. IN. MY. OWN. SKIN. You'd think that here, on a transsexual forum of all places, people would understand that!

[guest]

IT'S. ABOUT. BEING. COMFORTABLE. IN. MY. OWN. SKIN. You'd think that here, on a transsexual forum of all places, people would understand that!

There is a line between being comfortable in your own skin... and playing with the hand you are dealt. At a certain point you just have to learn the attitude of "well, this sucks... but, guess I'll make the best of it".

Now, you don't have to "make the best of it" for the rest of your life (depending on what the issue is). You can eventually get surgery or take steps to fix it (usually these things take time). Some people aren't so lucky, a guy that is 5'3'' can't get surgery to make himself taller... for someone like him, he has to simply learn to adjust his attitude (and it is VERY possible, people with horrible disfigurements learn to get over it and move on with their lives...people missing limbs or who have horrible accidents... moving on is a mental shift, not always a physical "fix").

So, yea, you want to be comfortable in your own skin. We all totally get that (a lot of people here are doing the same type of thing to fix their problems, taking HRT or getting surgeries or working out or any number of other things). But, you can still CHOOSE to be happy now. You can still make the mental adjustment to be "ok, well... this part of me isn't how I want, down the road I plan to fix it... but in this very second I can't really do much about it, so I will put it out of my mind and CHOOSE to be happy... i will CHOOSE to focus on the things that i do like, instead of soley on the few flaws I have".

You can even start taking steps to fix things. Researching surgery, saving up money, getting that goal to fix the problem.... but it takes time. Why allow it to control your life and make you unhappy in the meantime?

My sister is obese. She VERY much hates her body. She has horrible trouble dating and neglects how she looks (because, to her, its a sittuation of "what's the point"). Even in the body she is in, one that she finds disgusting and repulsive, she is still actually a pretty happy and cheerful person. She still enjoys watching TV or playing with her dog or going to the park. Yea, her body gets her down sometimes, but when that happens she sucks it up and it just fuels her latest attempt to diet (which she is starting again now, but, of course the results won't be seen for YEARS). Basically, she has CHOSEN to be happy. She understands that her body is just one aspect of her life. She knows there is still a lot of other things she enjoys, a lot of other goals she has for life, a lot more to focus on than just the negatives (and really, she has a LOT more negatives... such as being unable to climb a lot of stairs...).

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in one flaw (trust me, I have been there... I have had LOTS of eating disorders). It is easy to make all of your life centered around that single problem. But, it is really all in the mind and is honestly just a matter of deciding to change and focus on some other things. Start doing a hobby, play some games, make some art, focus on school or start making longer term goals for your life... find SOMETHING to get your mind off of the one problem. Once you are working towards more than a singular "omg my body sucksss", you will find there is a lot more to life that is worth living for (most of which the body you have is irrelivant, playing the latest final fantasy game doesn't require you to have a flat chest or certain height or be able to lift 200 pounds).

[JJ]

Ivory the advise to make a decision to be happy is good advise. We can choose our attitude and approach to some extent but there are two points that need to be made.

One is that this feeling of wrongness is not like any other dissatisfaction with your body. I have that too as I see age make changes I hate. As I had to learn to deal with the effects of a 155lb weight gain as a side effect of a medication (Dr. forgot to mention that side effect when he prescribed it but wasn't surprised by it.) and it devastated my life. As a further side effect it was very nearly impossible to lose for a long time. I know what it is to be unhappy with your body. Feeling like it is fundamentally wrong is just different. The only way to cope with that, for me at least, is the promise that I can and will change it. I need to wait for T and getting fit to do their work before I can even consider having the surgery. Carter can get through this and the advise to focus on research and saving for the surgery were excellent. It makes it more bearable to be constantly aware that you are just wrong to know that you are actively doing something to change it. Something safe and sensible.

The other thing to consider is that we are all made differently inside. There are quite a few studies now that show our basic level of happiness is largely genetic. Not to say that we can't all lead good, fulfilling lives but some of us will naturally feel happier than others. Some of us are able to bounce back and find ways to be happy where others struggle. That's okay. We are as we are made. Yes, we should maximize that by becoming engaged in our lives in a positive or enjoyable way. But some of us are just not bubbly happy people and would not have been had we been born into perfect lives with no gender issues.

Carter-if you can't be happy right now that's okay. Be the best that you can and be yourself. You'll get there. Focus and use those emotions into ways to best become what you want to be. A man on the outside as well as inside.

John

[Guest Wulfhere]

I can definitely relate to what you're saying, Carter. Since puberty I've always hated my chest. When I first started binding I was so excited, because it was such an improvement from not binding. But, like you, I hate that they're still under there and that I can still noticed them even under the binder. Binding gave me some hope when I first started, but that good feeling it initially gave me is gone and all I can think of is top surgery. It's gotten to the point where I can't focus on school or my job properly because it's all I care about anymore. Just knowing what's there makes me want to put my fist through the mirror or the nearest object to me. The only thing that keeps me grounded is the weight room, to be honest. It's been like my haven since I was 15, and if it weren't for that feeling of peace lifting gives me I would never have made it passed 20. Actually, at 15 I never even planned to live this long.

My advice? Find some kind of activity that can just empty your mind for a while. Run, lift, play music, write, just find something. For me, I know I'd be lost without something to tear my mind from what I hate.

Also agree with what others have said about doing something to consciously change your situation, like saving money, making a plan to get to surgery.