Coming Out In Aa

[Guest erinanita]

I've been away from AA since I started my transition, about five or so years. For more than a year I've been seriously thinking about going back. I just haven't had any motivation to go to a meeting. I only know of one other member who is also a trans person.

I called up my old sponsor today. I haven't seen or talked to him since I started my transition. So, when he asked about why I quit I told him about my transition and that I was concerned that I would not be accepted. Then he asked if I was going to go to a meeting where I don't know anyone. Even after a five year absence I don't think that's going to happen. So we agreed that we should get together for coffee but he insisted that I meet him in guy mode.

So this really has me concerned. When I was just starting to transition about five years ago, I spoke with another AA member that I had known for more than 20 years about becoming my sponsor and I took the time to talk to him about my intersex condition and beginning transition. He told me to get lost. So now I guess that I'll wait until I talk with my old sponsor, but it might just be a good idea to not go back. I pass just fine when I'm out and about but still there are some that will always recognize me.

I guess time will tell.

Erin

[Guest Audrey Elizabeth]

So we agreed that we should get together for coffee but he insisted that I meet him in guy mode.

Are you transitioning to "guy mode"???

I think you should meet him and anyone else in your "mode" and not in one he insists on. This is about you not him.

You mentioned a member who was also transgender that was in AA. Is that person still involved and would it be possible to reach out to this person for help/advice.

Please do not give up, you will find the right sponsor.

Audrey

[Paula ult]

Erin, i do not know if you live full time or not, but if you are, your old sponsor asking you to meet him in guy mode sounds like he has a problem with it, is there another chapter that you could go to where nobody knows you, five years away and some time on hrt usually makes a big enough change that people will not recognize you, but if they do so what you are there for you not them.

Paula

[Guest erinanita]

Thank Paula and Audrey for your quick replies.

Audrey, you woke me up when you said this is about me and not about him. I will meet with him in my mode. I don't really have much in the house anyways that I would consider strictly male clothing and because I have breasts and long hair, I don't fool many people. They see me as what I am - a female.

When I picked my wife up from work and discussed my conversation with her, she said that it's impossible for me to dress as a man.

Paula, I do live full time as a female. I've been on estrogen for three years and have been in transition for about five years. I found out about eight years ago that my body didn't produce it's own hormones so I had to start taking testosterone eight years ago. That caused my breasts to grow and it also gave me a whole lot of unwanted male characteristics. When I told a doctor that I wasn't interested in having him remove the breasts is about when I started my transition. It was also when I realized that if I had never started hrt with testosterone I would never have lost my female figure.

Erin

[Guest Arbon]

He told me to get lost.

Hi Erin

My name is Theresa.

All I can say is wow. That is harsh. And the old sponsor, well I am just glad that you are going to go as yourself regardless.

My experience coming out in aa has been positive but I know that everyones situation is different to. I did not leave for a long period of time and come back. At the same time because everyone knew me already it will probably take a long time to escape the old identity entirely. But for the most part I have been fairly well accepted and people are trying to adjust to the change. Me and my sponsor had to go our separate ways after nearly a decade long relationship because he was to uncomfortable with me, and so I found a woman sponsor. But we are still friends and he still helps me with things.

What motivates you to go back to AA, if it is alright if I ask?

[Guest erinanita]

Hi Theresa,

I have been going to AA for about 31 years. It's been more on than off but still it's been off and on. I cherish the fact that I've been sober all this time and I believe that working the steps has made a huge difference in my life. When I don't go to meetings I don't work the program the way I should. I miss the program and I miss the people. I miss being able to talk about me and my stuff without any interference or judgment.

Frankly, I've had very positive experiences in my transition. I haven't changed my legal name although I do pass as Erin and everyone (almost) addresses me that way. And I go to group therapy sessions as Erin. I guess I don't really need help or support to go back to meetings as Erin, but I am feeling a bit of fear of rejection. I'm really talking myself into going out to a meeting on my own. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Thank you for your input, Theresa.

Erin

[Michelle 2010]

My 7am meeting today had the topic of the Promises specifically feelings of self pity and fear of people will leave us. It was interesting to listen to folks share on coming to grips with being themselves and learning to not care what others thought of them. Certainly has application in my life, of course I feel my situation is "different"LOL! But then, doesn't every alcoholic???

Michelle

[Guest Arbon]

Maybe go to some different meetings and groups and seeing where you are most comfortable then start sharing and letting people get to know you.

You are an alcoholic, and you are a member if you say you are.

[Guest erinanita]

Maybe go to some different meetings and groups and seeing where you are most comfortable then start sharing and letting people get to know you.

You are an alcoholic, and you are a member if you say you are.

Actually I did get out and go to a meeting the night before last. I made out just fine. And I also went to visit with my old sponsor last night and that went well to, although I won't call him again unless he calls me first. I was dressed just as I normally do. He appeared to accept it but he is kind of conservative. It's hard to tell how he felt about it.

And the more I think about it, I should probably get a new sponsor anyways. I mean, after all, though I'm still the same old person on the inside, on the outside it's a whole new me.

[Guest ErinM]

And the more I think about it, I should probably get a new sponsor anyways. I mean, after all, though I'm still the same old person on the inside, on the outside it's a whole new me.

Perhaps, if you give us a _rough_ geographical area where you are, someone here could help? Or talk with you?

I border on it. Or so I assume (not _really_ sure, in [pure] spite of many indicators). But if you were in my area, I would be very willing to at least talk to you!

[Guest Passinglily]

I live in the capital city of the "_rough_ geographical area where you are". I also have been happily sober for nine years and have not gone to a meeting in years. Am I close enough if you want to talk?

The lily

[Michelle 2010]

I live in the capital city of the "_rough_ geographical area where you are". I also have been happily sober for nine years and have not gone to a meeting in years. Am I close enough if you want to talk?

The lily

Just a quick update, the Sunday 9pm EST meeting is happening. Discussion of any substance addiction has been occurring. Very casual format. 12 Steps can be and are discussed but it is not a formatted aa/na meeting, rather a place to discuss addiction/trans issues. If you have experience strength and hope that could be shared with new people its an opportunity to give back.

Michelle

[Michelle 2010]

My 7am meeting today had the topic of the Promises specifically feelings of self pity and fear of people will leave us. It was interesting to listen to folks share on coming to grips with being themselves and learning to not care what others thought of them. Certainly has application in my life, of course I feel my situation is "different" :doh1:LOL! But then, doesn't every alcoholic???

Michelle

Hopefully this post will help someone wondering if they should disclose and leave the safety of the closet.

.

February 9 seems like a lifetime ago in terms of this topic's title. It was apparent to me as a multi year AA member, sponsoring and doing service, that I was leading a double life ( something addicts are good at btw). My dealing openly and honestly with my trans issues began May 2010. I knew that I needed to create points of contact between my AA world and Trans world. I had come out to my sponsor summer of 2010 and was attending a trans support group.

In March I disclosed to a gay friend, because he was the easiest to do so with. In May I disclosed to a straight sponsee who needed proof that God was working in my life and doing for me what I could not do for myself. This summer I came out to 6 more people. In every instance I have recieved love, respect , and support. In each case I have shown a photo of me en femme. The Last one was a 5 year sponsee. In several instances, tears were shed by the recipient of the news, for my willingness to trust them so much. They were profoundly affected by my commitment to the 12 step way of life and my willingness to share with them.

The benefit for me has been that the life long low grade fear of exposure, and potential for shame or humiliation has evaporated as surely as water evaporates on a hot day. I am now leading a life in AA in which I have support and respect in ALL of who I am. I told the 5 year sponsee two days ago that the transformation is so complete that i knew in my heart if he had an issue with what I was telling him, the the problem was his POV, not who I am as a person. As any closeted trans person knows, there is safety in the closet, but it comes at a price. I had hit a point in my Program where I had to either walk the walk or consider myself a phony when It came to trusting God and the 12 step way of life. I am out enough now to begin volunteer work in my local community as a form of 12 step work.

For those of us who are not looking to transition, choosing who to come out to, if we come out at all, is a major decision and obviously very personal. For this alcoholic it has proven very liberating. Every person in recovery is in the process of creating a new healthy history for themselves by living sober lives of integrity. So if you are sitting on the fence and wondering... and if you recognize people who are truly living a quality program rather than just going to meetings and drinking coffee..... you may find something of value in this post

Thats all I have, thanks for letting me share

Michelle

[Guest Svenna]

I wholeheartedly support the working of the 12 steps and the willingness to live openly and honestly, despite the costs..

But bigotry is bigotry and it is a serious threat to the self-esteem and self-acceptance of marginalized members of society, especially...

There is no place for holier-than-thou-ness in either recovery and is especially harmful coming from people is positions of authority, such as sponsors, pastors and such. It is a clear sign of spiritual pride, which btw, is perhaps the most heinous of sins within the framework of christian discipleship...

If your sponsor is a bigot, homophobe, or worse, you would be well advised to seek guidance elsewhere. Your sobriety is at risk among such people, no matter how well-meaning or 'spiritual' they may believe themselves to be...

I just celebrated my 23 year birthday 5 days ago. AA helped me get on the right footing and the 12 steps and big book were my foundation at a time when I was building houses on sand. Eventually, my AA sponsors and I stopped being in agreement, once medical science began to unravel the root causes of genetic alcoholism.

I am still sober after all these years, armed with real data. My previous sponsors are still cycling through relapse after relapse...go figure!

So take the good parts of AA and make it work for you the best you can. But realize this, every man-made institution has limits, as does every man...

Stay honest, stay clear of toxic people, and stay sober. It's how we stay alive...

More power to you all, Svenna

Hang on and do the real work. You can beat this

[Michelle 2010]

Eventually, my AA sponsors and I stopped being in agreement, once medical science began to unravel the root causes of genetic alcoholism.

I am still sober after all these years, armed with real data. Svenna, for the benefit of those who aren't familiar with the Fellowship of AA I'd like to point out that any medical breakthroughs on genetic causes are not a problem or threatening to AA. AA simply says there is a spiritual solution to the problem of alcoholism, and that the 12 steps can roughly be divided into Trust God (of your understanding). Clean house, and Help others. so science is not in conflict with AA nor does AA have an opinion on science. It is, of course possible that your sponsor had an opinion but he only represents himself, right?

My previous sponsors are still cycling through relapse after relapse...go figure! Sounds like they need to check their program with their own sponsors doesn't it!

So take the good parts of AA and make it work for you the best you can. But realize this, every man-made institution has limits, as does every man...certainly every man has his limitations as demonstrated by your examples above. AA itself simply extolls the virtue of being in constant contact with your God.

So to conclude, svenna, I am posting this not to "debate or debunk" any postings, rather to clarify for those who may be trans and wondering if AA will accept them.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Svenna]

Michelle,

I

Eventually, my AA sponsors and I stopped being in agreement, once medical science began to unravel the root causes of genetic alcoholism.

I am still sober after all these years, armed with real data. Svenna, for the benefit of those who aren't familiar with the Fellowship of AA I'd like to point out that any medical breakthroughs on genetic causes are not a problem or threatening to AA. AA simply says there is a spiritual solution to the problem of alcoholism, and that the 12 steps can roughly be divided into Trust God (of your understanding). Clean house, and Help others. so science is not in conflict with AA nor does AA have an opinion on science. It is, of course possible that your sponsor had an opinion but he only represents himself, right?

I didn't mean to imply anything negative about the Fellowship of AA in general, Michelle, so please don't take offense with me.

As you noted, I am only reporting what happened to me in particular in relation to the specific folks that were in AA with me in the meetings I attended in LA back in the late 80's. The point being, that depending on the particular sponsors or group one chooses to fellowship with, one may or may not, find the best 'fit' for one's particular needs.

One size doesn't fit all, so to speak...and humans in any power position are always tempted to inject their own world view into the mix, and that includes any fellowship experience, recovery-oriented or not...

My previous sponsors are still cycling through relapse after relapse...go figure! Sounds like they need to check their program with their own sponsors doesn't it!

Absolutely, my subtext here is that while they were debunking emerging research in favor of seeking a more ethereal, spiritual solution, their preconception that 'science is bunk' was preventing them from attaining another insight into what it was that was holding their lives captive. If the AA process wasn't working for them, it was, perhaps, not such a bad idea to look and see what it was that WAS working for others outside of AA. I don't really care how somebody beats alcoholism, I only care that they DO beat it. Our very lives depend upon it...

I have known several people who have gotten sober and stayed sober continuously for over a dcade, without working any 12 step program at all, because the science was so convincing and enlightening. They applied a cold logic to their situations and responded appropriately to the reality that alcoholism is a terminal illness. Stop drinking, stay alive, heal and prosper. Works for them...

One fellow explained his success to me by telling me that he now simply looks at his addiction to alcohol as a fatal allergy, much like a peanut allergy. Nobody who is allergic to peanuts says to themselves "What would it hurt if I ate just ONE peanut tonight, I can quit eating them again tomorrow". They know that eating peanuts will kill them, just as surely as I know that drinking even one drink will lead to my death...He is approaching 20 years sober, has rebuilt his business, remarried and now has a fine family to share his new life with...

As they say, there is more than one way to skin a cat. I know AA has, and does, save many lives. No doubt about that, and I feel that every human should be working 12-step kind of personal program whether they have a substance abuse and/or addiction problem or not. We all should be taking moral inventory of our lives, we all should find some growing relationship with a power greater than ourselves, we all should clean house and help others. Doing so would do wonders in the efforts to make this a better world for everybody...agreed!

So take the good parts of AA and make it work for you the best you can. But realize this, every man-made institution has limits, as does every man...certainly every man has his limitations as demonstrated by your examples above. AA itself simply extolls the virtue of being in constant contact with your God.

And that is a good plan for all of us, at all times, but it is especially useful for the recovering alcoholic and substance abuser. Agreed!

So to conclude, svenna, I am posting this not to "debate or debunk" any postings, rather to clarify for those who may be trans and wondering if AA will accept them.

You have a generous and kind spirit, Michelle, I never for a moment thought you were intending to 'debate or debunk' anything with me, I know you only desire to be of service to the needs of those in need. We are in agreement on all the salient points involved in such an effort..

BUT, I did want to expand on one point in particular, and express my sincere opinion that it isn't the responsibility of a newly sober, or soon-to-be sober, addict to rise above the bigotry of anybody in power, whether it be in AA or elsewhere. As one gets deeper into sobriety it is reasonable to expect that they can begin to fend for themselves as they embrace the strength that comes with successful time and effort. Day one of sobriety is no time to be fighting for your right to exist as a trans-person...

It is the responsibility of those in power to rise up above their personal bigotry, though, to serve the newly sober or soon-to-be sober person, and if that person cannot rise above said bigotry, then that person should not be in power..

As a long sober individual, I can reasonably take it upon myself to handle much more resistance than I would ever expect a short-timer to handle. It is my responsibility (12th Step) to facilitate their progress and protect their progress and process. It is soooo easy to slip and fall in the early days, so we need to protect the short-timers as much as we can until they are strong enough to stand on their own...

Best wishes

Michelle

And best wishes to you, my sister-in-recovery!

One day at a time we can beat this thing, one day at a time we can rebuild our lives. Together, we shall overcome...

It is truly great to be alive!!

Love and deepest respect, appreciation and admiration, Svenna