Suddenly, I'm Afraid

[Guest Roxanna L]

Suddenly, I'm terrified at the prospect of not being allowed to transition, or failing miserably at it...

As time passes, and in no small part thanks to my (former TS) GT's council, I'm becoming more and more convinced that I need to transition...

But the more I feel that need, the more I feel fear about the prospect of not being allowed to...

In just under two weeks, I'll be hearing back from the 'gender team' at the VU Medical Centre in Amsterdam, on wether or not I made it through the pre-screening...

The pre-screening itself is an early formality to make sure no patients lacking gender issues are put on the 12 to 18 month wait, prior to the diagnostic phase...

Assuming I make it through the pre-screening, It'll still be two, to two and a half years before I MAY get diagnosed...

The diagnostic stage consists of a number of psychiatric exams, to make certain I'm not delusional, or crazy...

What if they say 'no'? What would I do if that were to happen...?

Would I simply try again, and again, and again, in the hope it may persuade them otherwise?

Would I seek out a shrink, in stead, for my supposed psychosis?

Would I resort to alternate means of treatment, like illegal hormones, with all the risks involved?

Would I emigrate to some place were my chances are better, like some ppl on this very forum suggested?

Would I simply give up on ever realising my dreams?

Would I take my own life?

I don't know...

And if they'll allow me to start on hormones... will I have the strength to keep it up and see it through until the end?

They would demand I go full time at the same time I start on hormones. If I can't keep that up, they'll stop the HRT, and completely REVOKE the diagnosis, kicking me out of the program...

In this particular case, I'm insanely envious of those who are already on hormones for over a year, without having the pressure of going full time... (Lacey Linne, I'm watching you...)

And even if I make it all the way to post-op, will I actually be passable, or even presentable...?

Right now, I wouldn't be able to pass even for a butch female, much less a kind young woman...

And I'm almost forgetting all that upheaval about certain parts of the brain being different, according to recent research, et al... What if those results are very much true?

Would the 'gender team' use that as a means to exclude those who seek transition, but who are otherwise sane? Would they hinge it all on a single MRI of the brain?

What if such a scan were to be performed on me, and it says I have a male brain? Would they exclude me, even if the psych exams say I'm sane?

I'm so afraid it'll never come to pass... that I'll never come to pass...

Anna

PS: Now, I'll be taking a sleeping pill, and I'll read any replies tomorrow...

[Guest TracieV3]

What if they say 'no'? What would I do if that were to happen...?

If they say no, find a different way to get HRT. You may have to pay out of pocket for doctor's visits, blood tests, and medication.

Right now, before I see my endo in a few of months, I am looking for other endos in my area in case my endo refused to start me on HRT. And I have to two doctors whom will be glad to refer to another endo me if need it done. One is the doctor I went for counciling for years. No longer going because we both agreed that I have reached a point where I know longer needed to talk. And the other doctor is a pain specialist that said transitioning may help me physically by relieving stress off myself.

It is called having a plan B.

I have a letter that I have been to counciling, have the money, and losing weight, among other things, to show my endo that when I meet him that I am making a concerted effort on my part, and that I am ready for HRT.

It he still says no, I will take a different route. But, he already diagnosed me as having low-T and wanted to put me on testosterone, so I think with everything I am doing, I can convince him to put me HRT instead.

I have had my plans wrecked and set back by years before, but I do not give up and neither should you.

Roxanna, my suggestion is to get as physically healthy as you can and show them through your actions that you are ready for HRT.

Tracie

[Guest N. Jane]

I remember feeling like that!

By the time I discovered Dr. Biber (at age 24), I had been on HRT for years and was seriously suicidal because SRS wasn't available (except for Dr. Biber). He had agreed to treat me dependant on an in-person interview/examination. Though I had a round trip ticket going down, I knew I wouldn't need the return portion if he said no.

Everything turned out fine. I am sure they will for you as well.

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

This is a scary thought but you have to think about why it's scary. If the thought of being denied the right to transition is like thinking about facing a judge and having it determined that your life is over and you do not have the right to live than it seems like any professional would agree that you need to transition. I remember a question on the COGIATI test that reminds me of this terrible thought that has entered my mind several times. It starts with a statement and then asks how you feel about it. The statement is that you can never be a woman and that you will grow more masculine over time. If this idea makes you feel so crushed and hopeless then what does that say. I have thought of this many times and I have asked myself the same questions. I considered illegal hormones. I even considered living in a coma like dream world if it became possible. I know I would give up on myself. I wouldn't want to feel wasted so I'd still work as hard as I could but I'd give away every penny I earned. I would live for everyone else and completely neglect myself because money and my own well being wouldn't matter. There would be nothing I could buy, nothing I could do and I'd be dead. This is a very pessimistic thought and I think we should remember that there is still hope until the ultimatum is given. I know it seems scary that your fate is out of your control but please hold onto hope.

I read something on brain differences that may interest you. I don't remember the web address but there was an MRI study done and it proves something about the existence of multiple brain differences. A lot of the MTF's they scanned had brains with multiple female characteristics but they were not 100%. They had brains that seemed to have some male characteristics and some female characteristics. I wouldn't be surprised if such a test would show that your brain does have some female qualities and some male qualities but is more female than male and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case for me either. Believe there is something there. If I were to place myself on a spectrum from 0 being completely male to 10 being completely female I would not give myself a ten I would probably give myself a 7 or an 8 because I am mostly female but it is the shreds of masculinity that make things difficult. We are more like women than men but the few similarities that do exist between us and men are like contradictions placed before us. We should accept that we do have a few male qualities but if we acknowledge everything we are women. If we were to pile up all our masculine qualities and all our feminine qualities the feminine aspects of our personalities would tower over the masculine qualities. Even a lot of genetic girls have a few male personality traits. Why do you think the term "girly girl" exists? What about tomboys? I think the idea of a spectrum makes more sense and we are just as feminine as average cisgendered girls. I also think that once you embrace the real you it will seem so much more obvious. A lot of us have had to suppress things to survive and once you let yourself out of your cage you may find that you can be very girly.

We know who we want to be but we don't know who we are. You want to be female and if you have a few masculine qualities so what. So what if you are not one hundred percent. That does not mean you can not live the life of a woman. If you lean towards female than show it. You can be the woman that you are. You do not need to be a walking talking stereotype. Even if you are somewhere in the middle your desire clearly shows that you want to be a female. Even if there is a small difference we fit more as woman than we do as men. Even if you are not 100% you may still feel better and more comfortable as a woman. You may find that even if there is some masculinity to express it is still nothing compared to the woman you are hiding as a man. You are having some doubt right now and it is normal but in a little while you will be okay. We all go through these cycles and it is just a part of discovering who we are. It gets better. It is okay. The doubt will eventually begin to fade and you may have some flashes but you have been hiding for so long that your eyes just need to adjust to the light. If we lie to ourselves successfully it can be difficult to realize that we were just fooling ourselves but you may realize that you really are a woman and that you need to be free. There is something there and if you try to show it without adding to it I am sure you will be accepted as a woman. Be yourself and you will be fine.

[Guest Femke]

Anna dear, I have been thinking about these same things myself lately.

Being Dutch myself I am traveling the same road that you are, although you are already some steps further than me. I have just had my first contact (telephone) with the 'gender team' some 2 weeks ago and currently I am waiting for them to call me in for my first intake talk. Out of curiosity, how long did that take before you heard back from them after returning those approval forms (the ones where you give the written permission for them retrieving medical data from your GP)?

Also, I heard about the waiting list of a year, but I am shocked to hear that number of up to 2.5 years. 2.5 years of continuing being a slave to the T flowing through my veins... And 2.5 years taken away from the life I feel I deserve. I don not know if I could cope with that, I am barely managing to keep myself afloat with work and all. But I have to, for giving up and living the rest of my life like the misery of the past 31 years of my life would be intolerable.

As for the answers you're asking yourself, some of the them I have found answers to for myself already:

"Would I seek out a shrink, in stead, for my supposed psychosis?" No, even if my feelings turned out to be a psychiatric disorder, I would not want to have that "fixed".

"Would I emigrate to some place were my chances are better, like some ppl on this very forum suggested?" I am keeping this open as an option.

"Would I simply give up on ever realizing my dreams?" Never.

"Would I take my own life?" ...for me there would be no life to take.

But why are they demanding that you go full time the moment you start HRT? From what I heard they allow you to go through 3 months of HRT before you HAVE to go full time? I feel that we have a cruel, cruel system here in Holland.

Just hang in there hon, I just cannot believe that they would reject you.

xoxo

Femke

[Guest JaniceW]

Anna,

Your worries are the same as many of us. Once we finally come to self acceptance we start to worry about all the things that could prevent us from realizing our dream. Truth is that most, if not all, of those things we worry about will never come to pass. Even if you did find the team refuses to allow you to progress in your chosen path, you listed a number of options you would have avialable AT THAT TIME. See the key here is AT THAT TIME meaning keep these potential blockades just that, POTENTIAL, unless they become real. If they ever do become real then you can deal with them.

[Guest Orva26]

Suddenly, I'm terrified at the prospect of not being allowed to transition, or failing miserably at it...

I was there this morning, though it was a tiny bit different, it was at a more base fundamental level. I was sort of freaking the hell out that the big finding, the big answer to my whole self-exploration might be that I am not female or feminine at all. But honestly that seems very farfetched.

Something I thought of during the day is how humans are very much Pavlovian creatures. Just as the dogs who would return to their master at the call of his bell because each time they were rewarded with food the psyche crawls towards 'reward'. Throughout life we are constantly given silent 'rewards' for expressing our body's gender and chastised for being a "sissy" or a "tomboy". At every entities core is a desire to be accepted, cared for, and loved and those 'rewards' take those forms so we dash for that food regardless of how abhorrent the bell sounds to our ears. (Well aside from the super certain ones with such an early developed and concrete sense of self that they do not heed the sound, but my level of confoundedness to their situation is such I cannot utter anything about it.)

I think doubt and fear can be a manifestation of the internalization of this innate Pavlovian nature. Our minds know how to get the reward and a part of them are terrified to deviate from that path. We know if we run towards the sound of the bell that we get fed but what if we no longer wish to dash? Will we starve?

And even if I make it all the way to post-op, will I actually be passable, or even presentable...?

Right now, I wouldn't be able to pass even for a butch female, much less a kind young woman...

Ah! There it is! The core concern that probably freezes so many! Worrying about passing, worrying about making the cut, or being pretty, etc. Here's something I have found myself realizing on occasion: Woman are recognized as woman regardless how homely! The young ladies both strangers and peers that I find myself wishing to emulate to be like physically, the hunched slow moving elder in the grocery store, the square jawed female janitor I passed in the hall at work, the confident older woman who has taken great care of herself and can still flawlessly sport a younger look, people see them and what is the first thing their mind reads? A woman!

A co-worker showed me one of our commercials today, its kind of

. Its a time lapse that shows how more often than not, billboard models are made. My favorite part was the Photoshopping! Even after hours of make-up she wasn't quite pretty enough, got to elongate and slim her neck, enlarge her eyes, and adjust her hair to frame her face! Who comes up with these things? One of the pathways to learn image is propagating a FAKE image?

I guess the point is, be the best you can be and do what works for you, that result is true beauty. NOBODY can compete with Photoshop and honestly no one should feel they have to.

<3

-Orva

[Guest Emily Ray]

Hang in there dear. It may come by a diferent route but you will be alowed to transition I am sure of it!

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Roxanna L]

If they say no, find a different way to get HRT. You may have to pay out of pocket for doctor's visits, blood tests, and medication.

Right now, before I see my endo in a few of months, I am looking for other endos in my area in case my endo refused to start me on HRT. And I have to two doctors whom will be glad to refer to another endo me if need it done. One is the doctor I went for counciling for years. No longer going because we both agreed that I have reached a point where I know longer needed to talk. And the other doctor is a pain specialist that said transitioning may help me physically by relieving stress off myself.

It is called having a plan B.

(...)

Roxanna, my suggestion is to get as physically healthy as you can and show them through your actions that you are ready for HRT.

Tracie

Tracie, dear, there's no plan B in this country. All the endocrinologists treating transsexuals are part of the gender team. All the other will simply refer me to them...

If possible, I exercise three times a week, I've lost close to ten kg's in less than three months. My stamina has already been increasing, so...

And I'm taking pills (Propecia) to halt my hair loss, but because it isn't covered by my (or any) health insurance, I need to pay over 800 Euro's for a year's worth of those pills...

I don't know how the team will regard that...

Anna dear, I have been thinking about these same things myself lately.

Being Dutch myself I am traveling the same road that you are, although you are already some steps further than me. I have just had my first contact (telephone) with the 'gender team' some 2 weeks ago and currently I am waiting for them to call me in for my first intake talk. Out of curiosity, how long did that take before you heard back from them after returning those approval forms (the ones where you give the written permission for them retrieving medical data from your GP)?

Also, I heard about the waiting list of a year, but I am shocked to hear that number of up to 2.5 years. 2.5 years of continuing being a slave to the T flowing through my veins... And 2.5 years taken away from the life I feel I deserve. I don not know if I could cope with that, I am barely managing to keep myself afloat with work and all. But I have to, for giving up and living the rest of my life like the misery of the past 31 years of my life would be intolerable.

(...)

But why are they demanding that you go full time the moment you start HRT? From what I heard they allow you to go through 3 months of HRT before you HAVE to go full time? I feel that we have a cruel, cruel system here in Holland.

Just hang in there hon, I just cannot believe that they would reject you.

xoxo

Femke

Femke, dear,

you and I are both in for a long wait. It took them maybe two weeks to send me the forms for my GP (which they sent to the wrong address), but it took them three months to call me in for the pre-screening...

During my talk with the psycho(-logist), he actually wanted to dismiss me, until I mentioned to him how I was pondering to pluck out my eyes and ears...

Now, I'm not suggesting you come up with any gruesome stories, but I felt I needed to play that trump card...

Those forms you'll be receiving by mail will also include a printed copy of their vaunted 'protocol'... It says 30-40% of all candidates are dropped in the first six months... (That doesn't exactly sound encouraging...)

As for my annoyance at T: My hairline is already receding rapidly, but I have to pay for pills out of my own pocket... And those pills aren't anti-androgens. I suppose I could beg the team to at least give me those, but I doubt they would...

Anna,

Your worries are the same as many of us. Once we finally come to self acceptance we start to worry about all the things that could prevent us from realizing our dream. Truth is that most, if not all, of those things we worry about will never come to pass. Even if you did find the team refuses to allow you to progress in your chosen path, you listed a number of options you would have avialable AT THAT TIME. See the key here is AT THAT TIME meaning keep these potential blockades just that, POTENTIAL, unless they become real. If they ever do become real then you can deal with them.

Someone else once quipped: "Worry works! Ninety percent of what I worry about doesn't happen!" But I do wish it were that simple...

The worries are there, and I feel powerless to do anything about it...

Hugs to all of ya,

Anna

[JJ]

Anna,

From what you said of the meeting they won't say "No".

But I know the worry won't just go away on that so keep faith that you will find a way to do this. Cross that bridge when you come to it and if you are turned down contact every Trans person you can in your country who can suggest ways to fight and overcome the system. Because there is a way somehow for you to safely do what you have to do. There are always loopholes in any system anywhere. And you can find it given patience and determination. Giving up and accepting defeat is the only way you can fail to get where you want to go. I'm not suggesting you go any route but legal and safe either.

Hugs

John

[Paula ult]

Roxanna, instead of "what if they say no" you need to think positive and think what if they say yes.

I know a few people in Europe that had long waits to get the ball rolling, one in particular was already living full time before getting started in the NHS, Do what you can now to get started in that direction, lose weight if you need to, grow your hair, if you can afford it start electrolysis or laser facial hair removal, thin your eyebrows a little at a time, buy some woman's jeans, etc. these are all things you do not need anyone but you to approve and there is no long wait, then by the time you do get to the diagnostic phase it will show them you are serious about this, be proactive not reactive.

Paula

[Guest TracieV3]

Tracie, dear, there's no plan B in this country. All the endocrinologists treating transsexuals are part of the gender team. All the other will simply refer me to them...

If possible, I exercise three times a week, I've lost close to ten kg's in less than three months. My stamina has already been increasing, so...

And I'm taking pills (Propecia) to halt my hair loss, but because it isn't covered by my (or any) health insurance, I need to pay over 800 Euro's for a year's worth of those pills...

I don't know how the team will regard that...

If things go south, look outside your country.

Ask the doctor you go to about your hair lose about changing over to Kirkland Minoxidil. It is a hair tonic, two drops on the scalp a day. It works good for getting my hair back and keeping it. In the U.S. you don't even need a prescription, and it is VERY cheap. $35 for a six month supply.

Tracie

[Guest JaniceW]

As for my annoyance at T: My hairline is already receding rapidly, but I have to pay for pills out of my own pocket... And those pills aren't anti-androgens. I suppose I could beg the team to at least give me those, but I doubt they would...

Anna,

Propecia is Finesteride and finesteride is a second line anti-androgen often used in conjunction with spironolactone(Aldactone).

[Guest Roxanna L]

Anna,

From what you said of the meeting they won't say "No".

But I know the worry won't just go away on that so keep faith that you will find a way to do this. Cross that bridge when you come to it and if you are turned down contact every Trans person you can in your country who can suggest ways to fight and overcome the system. Because there is a way somehow for you to safely do what you have to do. There are always loopholes in any system anywhere. And you can find it given patience and determination. Giving up and accepting defeat is the only way you can fail to get where you want to go. I'm not suggesting you go any route but legal and safe either.

Hugs

John

Roxanna, instead of "what if they say no" you need to think positive and think what if they say yes.

I know a few people in Europe that had long waits to get the ball rolling, one in particular was already living full time before getting started in the NHS, Do what you can now to get started in that direction, lose weight if you need to, grow your hair, if you can afford it start electrolysis or laser facial hair removal, thin your eyebrows a little at a time, buy some woman's jeans, etc. these are all things you do not need anyone but you to approve and there is no long wait, then by the time you do get to the diagnostic phase it will show them you are serious about this, be proactive not reactive.

Paula

I think you're both right, but it'll probably take me some time to really take it all to heart...

After all, if you'd suffered as many setbacks (in all shapes and sizes) as I have had in my life, you'd be a pessimist like me, too...

And then to think I was an optimist, up to about half a year,ago... Then I got laid off.

(I really need a job soon, or I'll probably self destruct in frustration...)

But I'll start nosing around, to see what can be done in the mean time... As far as I'm concerned, it beats stewing on this, any day...

Still, doing any 'permanent' hair removal seems somewhat pointless, as it'll only kill the active follicles...

If things go south, look outside your country.

Ask the doctor you go to about your hair lose about changing over to Kirkland Minoxidil. It is a hair tonic, two drops on the scalp a day. It works good for getting my hair back and keeping it. In the U.S. you don't even need a prescription, and it is VERY cheap. $35 for a six month supply.

Tracie

Minoxidil is a prescription drug, over here. And I'm not sure about wether or not it is effective, either...

I think it's wise not to start using both around the same time. That way, I wont be able to tell which of either is effective...

[JJ]

Anna, I have had more setbacks in my life than I could write here and I imagine Paula could too. I can't speak for Paula but I know I speak about optimism and determination from long experience with both.

Never lose faith in the good possibilities in life. They exist as surely as the bad. Life can turn bountiful just as it can turn sour. If you look at only the negative you will miss the opportunities to make it good and fail to see the possibilities. I had the sayings on my signature even while I thought transitioning or ever really living as myself was impossible. Too late and too many obstacles. When I decided I had to do this and commited to it I suddenly saw ways around the obstacles. Maybe not the ways I would have chosen but they will get me there.

Believe in the goal-that you really CAN live a life in the world as a woman -and you'll find ways to get there. Your fate really is in your own hands.

Scary and wondrous and true.

Hugs

John

[Guest Mia J]

Roxanna dear,

We can understand your being afraid. It is horrible that your fate is in the hands of others and that it sounds like you don't have all of the options that some of us have. But, you are not the first one to go through this. Look at your sisters and brothers on Laura's from your country that have already made the journey. Do you know of many who did not make it? If so examine them and try to see why and then make sure you don't make the mistakes they did.

We are who we are. Nothing is going to change that. But don't let the fears and doubts creep in and rule your life. Please, try to look on the positive side of things. Don't make your mind up that they will fail you. As said by others here, make up you mind that they will approve you.

Is there any reason you can be living as who your are now? Is there a law that says you can't live as your true self without having passed their tests? I feel sure you will do just fine.

Having said all that I will say that over my life I have been a very big worrier at times. I was always worrying that I would fail or not live up to something expected. All it did was give me a lot of stomach issues because everything came out just fine on most occasions. And looking back the few times they did not ended up to be for the better.

You can do it Roxanna. You will do it. We are here to support you all the way.

Hugs

Mia

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Anna:

Hon, we're all deeply concerned for you. Believe me when I say that we think very highly of you here at The Playground. You are very well-liked here. You do have friends. We care about you very much and we want to see you ultimately be happy.

So,

We are going to ask you to just stay the course, just hang in there and just take your life one day at a time ... one hour at a time if necessary. Because you are young, these timeframes you describe in your post seem vastly long. We are here to tell you that they are not. All things are possible to she (he) who believes. Girl, start believing. It WILL happen for you.

We are going to ask you to private message anybody here at the playground to whom you relate and for whom you feel an affinity. Anybody here would be glad to talk with you. It's called friendship, girl. It's the best thing in life. There's an old saying: "To have a friend, be a friend." Reach out. Take the first step. Get involved. Just do it.

We are going to put you in touch with other resources. Ours is a global society thanks to the internet and other infrastructures. There are scads of resources available to you. Seek and you will find. No need to "go illegal." Perish the thought. Kindly permit me to put you in touch with a resource right now. Go through the Gianna E. Israel Gender Library. Ms. Israel (deceased since 2006) was a brillaint gender therapist. The issue you're facing? She wrote about it ... and a whole lot more. Check it out:

http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/index.html

Because we live in The Communication Age, there ARE forward-thinking gender counselors who will counsel you from afar. Some people consider this controversial and do not approve of it. I say they are wrong. I've worked at home for nearly 15 years now doing medical transcription and QC/QA at hospital throughout the country ... via the internet. While there are several counselors who will counsel your remotely and authorize your HRT, here is one to think about who has much experience and who writes well:

http://www.docbushong.com/

You are getting into matters of international law here and counseling and perscribing from afar may have its hassles. However, consider it a possibility.

We are going to put you in touch with people who may be able to help you navigate the system. I'm reasonably good friends with a transsexual woman in Holland who is my age and who had GRS/SRS 25+ years ago ... IN HOLLAND ... back in The Bad Old Days. She is very kind, very helpful and is able to help you. If you want me to, just let me know. I'll contact her, introduce you two and put both of you together. She'll be delighted to help you.

Lastly, we are going to set you up to win "The Mind Game." No school or college teaches this, and that's on purpose. They don't want you to know it. Yeah, alright, fine: You can think I'm full of bollocks for saying that. PM me sometime and I'll state my case with the surgical precision of a trial lawyer. "The Mind Game" is every bit as important as your HRT ... more so ... as a matter of fact. Here's a resource for you. This little book is a classic that is about 64 years old now. It's timeless. This webpage will provide you with instructions on how to either download (for free) the book or read it (for free) with your PDF reader without downloading it. It is with hearty approbation and lavish praise that I introduce you to "The Magic of Believing" by Claud M. Bristol:

http://www.successmanual.com/free-success-ebook-magic-of-believing-claude-bristol/

MTF hormone replacement therapy is NOT rocket science. Indeed, from a perscribing doctor's point of view, it's as easy as writing scrip for the common cold. Hie there hither to either a general practitioner or an endocrinologist, state your case and ASK for the scrip. Some will say no. So what? Next! Ask until one says YES! Private message me if you want to know the recommended HRT protocol. It's simple as heck. The bottles for exactly those medications are right next to me as I write this to you.

Anna, girl:

YOU are going to BELIEVE! YOU are going to ACHIEVE! YOU are going to PERSIST!

Like, it's a no-brainer, girl. You're so gonna win! Doggone, I wish my well-aging-all-too-fast hiney was young again! You ARE young, hon!

YOUR LIFE AWAITS YOU: SEE IT! BELIEVE IT! ACHIEVE IT!

Any of us transsexuals who transition have a challenging go of it. All of us do. Yes, ALL of us do. If WE can do it (and we can!), then YOU can do it (and you will!)!

Peace Out, Babes Lacey Lynne

[Guest sarah from sweden]

Hon my dear friend as i sed to you in the MANY Pm`s we shared i can only agree with the previous statements dear

And as i also sed before i SERIOUSLY dought that you will be turned down fore you're first admission dear and you`d probably stand a HIGHER chance then me to (IF you someday feel that this is the right way to transition ) get it granted then i do hon.

As fore what the future rely holds dear NOONE can know dear so try to NOT worry so mutch about what if and so on dear and focus more on NOW

As fore you're statement of NO plan B Sweetie last i checked we BOTH live in EU and if im NOT completely mistaken you SHOULD have the right to demand a second opinion if you're not granted the first time dear. (should you still feel you should of course ) And hon NEVER give up (its ONE of the things they TEST you with to see if you're RELY motivated to get thru this dear )

HANG in there hon PROUD of you dear

HUGS Sarah