Going Crazy!

[Guest laeta_lacrima]

The stress and dysphoria is building up and I don't have enough release.

For a little background, I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me and loves who I am. She actually likes that I'm trans. She doesn't like that it hurts to be this way, but she loves me and everything about me including this. She's brilliant, sweet, protective, and amazing in every way. However, she is attracted to boys and not girls. She still wants me to get whatever changes I want to be comfortable with myself, but a part of me really doesn't want to change if she likes my body better this way. I know it's my body, but I don't want to take it away from her. I've always felt like a girl in a boy's body, and years of conditioning has made bringing that girl out hard. When I first told my girlfriend that I'm trans, I was just at the point where I wanted to be a girl, but accepted that I wasn't one. But that changed soon. I started wanting to dress more feminine, which was a big step with having to do so without my conservative parents noticing. My girlfriend helped me slowly transition from the bland men's clothes I had to progressively more feminine clothes. Long story short, she's been there for me every step of the way and though each step is awesome, it's never quite enough. I'm always a bit nervous at first, and I'm content for a little bit, but I soon have to go further. And now I've crossdressed to the point that I can't crossdress any more. The next logical step is HRT.

I recently found out how awesome HRT actually is, and I want it more than anything, which is saying a lot. I thought back to when I was little. I used to think of myself back then as a boy who had a girl's mind and that made sense with me when I'd feel comfortable as long as I was wearing feminine girl's clothes that looked good on me. But I looked back on my life as a little girl in a boy's body and it made me realize that HRT is definitely the next best step for me. That's the best way I can describe it. I mean, I did think of myself as a girl in a boy's body, but I figured acting how I would if I was born girl was the best option. But thinking of myself as being truly cheated out of a girl's body and knowing HRT will right that wrong, I feel a lot more confident in it. I never knew it redistributed fat until recently. I really didn't know it was as good as it is.

The problem is I don't want to be too woman for my straight girlfriend. I mean, I do want to be that much of a girl. I just don't want to change my relationship with my girlfriend permanently. She said she's really starting to warm up to the idea, and I don't doubt it, but I don't want my changes to be different than she expects and change our relationship.

Also, my college classes are getting intense, and I have a lot of things to do in addition. Money's tight, and my girlfriend's brother hates me a lot and living in my girlfriend's family's house makes uncomfortable at times....

So the stress has been building up, and it's hard to relax with so many deadlines, lots of work to do, my girlfriend's brother who hates me for no reason (no, seriously. We can't figure out why he hates me, and he won't tell us either), and being in the wrong body. I really want to start my life as a woman as soon as I can, but my girlfriend and I also want to have biological children, but I don't want to start HRT that late. I don't know what to do, and it sucks!!!

I'm not expecting answers that will fix everything, I just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

-Laeta Lacrima

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Lacrima,

Yeah, what we do for love. That's a tough one, and I'm probably the wrong person to give you advice, except in the long run, you either have to do what will make you feel comfortable with yourself, or learn to be comfortable with yourself the way you decide. How much are you willing to give up for how much you want.

Tough choices. I wish there were an easier way. But hopefully at least getting it down and thinking about it may help give you some ideas. Or others may offer suggestions.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

have you thought about sperm bank?

[Guest Risu]

It is entirely possible to make a donation to a sperm bank before HRT to help with that. I personally do not intend as of yet to have GRS because being a woman is about more than having all the right parts. Plus I am attracted to men and from my experiences with some dating sites many men and women prefer MtF partners who are pre op.

If you do start HRT I have read that they will eventually shrink the size of the testese because they no longer produce or store sperm. This leaves me wondering if you did decide to have a child later could you stop HRT temporarily and become fully functional again? Just long enough to be fertile? I plan to try and research this. Another thing I wonder is how long will sperm stored in a bank be good? You and I are both still young and children are a big step so it is more than likely we would have to wait a few years before we were ready.... but we also need HRT ASAP.

It is all very hard to say... Tough choices and no one answer is right for everyone.

I am thrilled for you that you have a gf who still loves and supports you. It is entirely possible that she will like the changes that HRT will bring about. I am attracted to men but I still find the curves of the female body nice to look at. When I was on HRT, the plumbing still worked if I wanted it to, but typically only then. None of the annoying stuff it does otherwise. I was only on HRT for 8 months or so, so again I don't know what effects long term use would have on intimacy. Yet something else to research.

The best thing to do is to sit your girl friend down and talk to her. If she loves you this much I would imagine she could be willing to handle a little more femininity It is all very hard... but you cannot give up your identity... If you truly wish to pursue HRT then you need to do it... You are young and... if there had to be there can be other relationships... but Lacrima's well being and personal happiness need to be considered since it is your well being and personal happiness. I gave up my transition because it was hurting my family... Now I have lost 5 years... and I truly regret it.

[JJ]

Are you seeing a gender therapist yet? Not everyone needs to transition but some of us must sooner or later. If we don't it takes a toll on everyaspect of your life, including your relationships. Sacrificing for love is a noble thing that in time can backfire and destroy the very thing you value most. It is also possible that you would discover you can live your life without transitioning. But please be sure. Either way.

I realize gender therapists can be expensive but to me at least this is a situation where it would be well worth the expense. It will also help you and your girlfriend make this transition if you discover that is the necessary path for you.

It is a long slow process with plenty of time to adjust to the changes if you are both working together

Hugs

John

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well, I think HRT effects become rather permanent after a while - I was told after 6 months - by my doctor. Of course YMMV. And I know from experience you don't have any sexual performance as a male - I mean some people claim it - but after 6 months it was gone for me and it has never come back. So its unlikely you as a transitioning MTF will be able to stop, wait a while, and have a child - after the HRT gets going.

People sometimes bank sperm. I think that can be expensive but it is a viable alternative.

Anyway, once you begin transitioning your priorities change. Some feel you can go part of the way and still me male. I have come to realize that is unlikely you will stop part way, as the question is always, "Are you a man or are you a woman?" Eventually you understand HRT turns you female chemically, and you want that.

Today, coincidentally is the 26th month anniversary of me starting HRT.

I love what I have been able to become, via the HRT.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

It is entirely possible to make a donation to a sperm bank before HRT to help with that.

Well, one does not "donate" to a sperm bank....

You can donate sperm for another's use, but, if you want to store it will cost you. Look it up...it can be expensive..

If you do start HRT I have read that they will eventually shrink the size of the testese because they no longer produce or store sperm. This leaves me wondering if you did decide to have a child later could you stop HRT temporarily and become fully functional again?

Since sterility and loss of function happens to different people at different times....don't take chances with "when" it may or may not happen...

If you are considering kids...plan it all out early.

Make good choices while you can.....

And, as JJ says...look into a gender therapist...that is the very best way!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest laeta_lacrima]

Thanks everyone! Your responses were really helpful, and I feel a lot better. I have considered freezing semen, but it's very expensive and I'm hoping there might be a better way. I certainly can't afford it at the moment, but maybe when I get a higher paying job (I currently work playing guitar for tips and $20 a week at an Indian restaurant) I'll do that. I'm going to look into getting a gender therapist soon.

Thanks again, everyone!

-Laeta