If Mc Escher Painted A Mind, It Would Be Mine.

[Guest Dawns Star]

Hello all, I'm Dawns Star. And I'm not quite sure how to begin. I guess I'm...confused? Or maybe reluctant... Or something. I guess I'll just try to leap into the meat of my issues, but I do have a tendency to ramble when I'm nervous, so please bear with me.

I don't feel right. I never really quite have. I have felt that I was missing something, a part of myself that was so integral to my being that... it was like... I was a cake. A cake without milk or water or eggs. I am flat and tasteless and grainy. I thought, for the longest time, that was what it was to be male. A cake without anything that actually makes it a cake. It might be a bad metaphor, but its the only one I can really think of. I don't think I always had these feelings...but I can remember having them since before I was ten. Or maybe that's when they started? When I started going through puberty, (I was a bit of an early bloomer) I began to feel this way.

My first experience with witnessing something not of the 1/0 gender, was a man that was a friend of my fathers friend. He was bi-sexual cross-dresser, (I want to use the term drag-queen, since that is what he called himself, but I'm not exactly sure if that's acceptable.) I only was around him a few times, he was a friendly fellow, very jovial...the best way I can describe him is Santa in woman's clothing. I was intensely curios abut him and his life style. How he could dress like a girl and not be ridiculed. And how he was so open about himself and enjoyed singing and dancing and writing and poetry. My father though didn't like him being around me, maybe simply because of my curiosity. My father had always said that he would still love me if I was gay, but that was before those thoughts were really on my mind. Sure I wanted to be pretty then, but I was raised by a single father and had a little sister. I had to be the big brother.

I went through a period of severe mental problems, around the age of 12-15. One day during that time period, I had stumbles across something online called a she-male. I cant lie, I was intensely sexually attracted to them. But...despite the sexual attraction, I was jealous of them... I cant explain why. Jealous like you are when you somebody has something you want...but are afraid to admit to wanting. I started daydreaming and fantasizing, not only about being with them, but being one...then I happened to find a little more about transsexuals...I started to actually learn about some as opposed to seeing them as objects.

Well then high school came around. I was always a bit of a social outcast, and never very social..shy quite..so on and so forth. I left self expression on the side of the road, and instead opted to became what males are expected to be. Or what I thought they are expected to be. But I always felt as though I was missing a part of me. Well, my first relationship, and indeed my only, came about when I was sixteen. I loved her deeply for the six years we where together, but I could never be what she wanted. Or maybe...I anticipated she wanted something else. I have always had a hard time being open, for fear of judgment, ridicule, abandonment ect ect... Anyway I digress...

So when I was 19 or so I first cross-dressed, or at least in earnest. I had slipped on my sisters skirt or tried to apply a quick dash of makeup, even once I went to school with mascara and nail polish on...and was almost pummeled into the ground. But this time was the first earnest time. I was home alone, my S/O at work, I had read a story about a man dressing as a woman for the first time. At that time I had, as many times in the past, looked up information on gender issues...maybe to vicariously be what I wanted to be. Anyway, I went to go fold laundry. It was all the fault of my S/O's silk panties, I felt them on my hands...and then my neck. I wasn't physically aroused so much as mentally. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I then decided I had to feel it, just once. So I put them one…then on a pair of her jeans, and then a bra, and a pretty flowing shirt… I felt. Right. Like someone gave me eggs and milk. I had always shaved my body hair, and the tight fitting jeans and flowing blouse. It felt like I was right for once….I went to the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t look myself in the face…I was too ashamed. But I looked good. I felt good. I gathered up my courage, and looked at myself. I had confidence. Something I never had before. Then decided I needed makeup, that my S/O had a perfect golden eye shadow that would really make my green eyes stand out.

Well…I guess that’s my history with my gender issues…but mentally… it all adds up to so much more. Because of the life I have lived, I have always had to put on a masculine ‘face’. I mean I feel like there is two sides to me. Like there is Dawns Star the MAN and then Dawns Star. The Male aspect is something that I never asked for, I have never felt comfortable having to be him. Its no that I hate him, its that I’m expected to be him. And I don’t want to be. I just want o be me. I want to be able to express emotion, and be gentle, and be able to wear make up or clothing that I find attractive… I want to be allowed to wear my hair long and have it flowing over my shoulders. I know these traits aren’t…they aren’t female only…but as a female they are acceptable. If you are a male that has these traits, at least in my environment, you are looked down upon.

I used to grow my hair out long. But on several occasions I had to cut it. Every time I have I have cried. I felt like I was cutting away my ONLY link to what I was at my very nature. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror. When I saw how professional I looked, and how responsible I looked. I felt so disgusting. But I accepted it. That’s the way I am…I am supposed to be.

My interests arnt what their supposed to be as a male. OR my ‘mens’ interests aren’t as wide and varied as my ‘female’ interests. I don’t like sports, except combat sports (fencing martial arts and the ilk) I am good at math but prefer not having to do it. I do love science though. But…fashion for example. I have always wanted to investigate that world, but I have restricted myself from it. Simply because a MAN doesn’t care about fashion. So I have restricted myself from investigating it. Or sewing. I loved sewing, when I was young one of my step-mothers had taught me how to crochet and then to sew. And gods did I love it. It was calming and meditative. You saw your works manifest before your eyes, beauty evolve from nothing. Btu I had showed somebody one fo these works…they called me a Sweetie…I stopped.

Art poetry writing photography. Objects of beauty and splendor. And wonder. Be able to express this and sow this though myself….

Maybe I just abhor masculinity. I know I part I do…or maybe that’s wrong. I dislike it because it is forced upon me by a desire to conform or be ridiculed.

Maybe the question isn’t with my gender, but my sexuality? I’m not gay, or at least I don’t think I am. I’m not attracted to the male body…but I’m not unattracted either. I mean. There have been afew males which have turend my head, but all of hem have been what most would call feminine. Either in personality but most usually in physical appearance. I haven’t actually known any of these effeminate males, I have always been afraid that if I did I might become too attracted…and find out I was gay. I mean, its not like I dislike gays or anything, and I have known gays. I have been hit on my gays. And in truth I did like it…

But there has only been one of these non-effeminate gay men I have ever even considered being sexually involved with, and I was very drunk and very high…but I enjoyed flirting with him…and cuddling with him. It didn’t go past that, despite how hard he tried to get me in bed.

I know I am attracted to females though. I love their bodies, their eyes ,and their curves, and their faces and lips and breasts and how they move . I love girls, I know I do. I love how they make me feel, physically an mentally and emotionally. And I cant honestly see myself, long term, with a male. But I can with a female…

But, as I mentioned earlier, I am attracted to the image of male genitalia on a female body. I don’t know why, maybe because on some deep rooted level the phallus means dominance, and sexually there is nothing I love more that a dominant woman…something that society dictates shouldn’t be… And personally, I have never met a girl that liked to ‘be on top’ as it were. Every female I have ever met and have discussed the subject of a dominant woman with, have all said the same thing….the man should be dominant…but I’m not. I cant be…that isn’t correct though. I can be, but I prefer not to be. I want ‘her’ to take control of me. I want her to accept me…

My ideal ‘woman’ is this: A woman with a phallus, sexually dominant, but also respecting of my opinion in the relationship. She will accept understand and enjoy my femininity. She will encourage me. Help me grow as I help her grow. We will share our dreams and grow together. She would enjoy art, and join me in carving and painting and sculpting. She will not be afraid to express herself. She will help me find the confidence that I typically don’t have. …

So…that’s my gender and sexuality… The COGIATI, which lead me here, I took the other day told me I scored a 135 Probable Transsexual. But that doesn’t feel right…I like having a phallus. I enjoy its responses, I enjoy…well I enjoy it. I don’t want to be a woman…I wouldn’t mind being a woman, I’d rather be a woman than a man, but its not like I am unhappy with being a genetic male…am I?

As you can probably tell…I am a bundle of nerves, a total knot. And I just wish there was some Alexander that could cut me in half and undo all the confusion. Both sides could go their own way, and live happily ever after. The end.

But the end is what also concerns me. Say I did fid myself. I was somehow able to express this side of myself that I think I have… what about ten years from now? Or Twenty? How about when I’m old and wrinkled. I mean, I can see myself as a female, or feminine right now…but as an elderly person, I can only see myself as male….I hate it, but accept it. Because its all I know? Is the concept of my own feminization so alien to me hat I just cant see myself that when I’m old and grey?

I’m sorry this was so long of an explanation, I really did try to be brief…but… its really not something I can explain in brief terms. I guess I just really have a few questions. What is my gender? What is my sexuality? Am I a transsexual and don’t know it? Am I androgynous and cant accept it? How do I accept any of it? I have lived so long trying to be ‘ a man’ that its becoming more and more of what I am.

But this masculinity…I am more angry when I accept it….I don’t want to be angry. I dont want to be sad…I just want to be me….

Thank you

DS

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hi - you need some help here - I am no therapist, but I have a lot of life experience.

Hello all, I'm Dawns Star. And I'm not quite sure how to begin. I guess I'm...confused? Or maybe reluctant... Or something. I guess I'll just try to leap into the meat of my issues, but I do have a tendency to ramble when I'm nervous, so please bear with me.

I don't feel right. I never really quite have. I have felt that I was missing something, a part of myself that was so integral to my being that... it was like... I was a cake. A cake without milk or water or eggs. I am flat and tasteless and grainy. I thought, for the longest time, that was what it was to be male. A cake without anything that actually makes it a cake. It might be a bad metaphor, but its the only one I can really think of. I don't think I always had these feelings...but I can remember having them since before I was ten. Or maybe that's when they started? When I started going through puberty, (I was a bit of an early bloomer) I began to feel this way.

I like the cake metaphor. Yes - most of we gender dysphoric just felt 'wrong" or 'not completed' as opposed to incomplete which is different. Its a bit different for all of us - but I thought I was just like my mother, a girl of course, about age 3 1/2 - she said i wan't. It went underground. And some discover their true dysphoria late in life. I didn't act on it for 50 plus years.

My first experience with witnessing something not of the 1/0 gender, was a man that was a friend of my fathers friend. He was bi-sexual cross-dresser, (I want to use the term drag-queen, since that is what he called himself, but I'm not exactly sure if that's acceptable.) I only was around him a few times, he was a friendly fellow, very jovial...the best way I can describe him is Santa in woman's clothing. I was intensely curios abut him and his life style. How he could dress like a girl and not be ridiculed. And how he was so open about himself and enjoyed singing and dancing and writing and poetry. My father though didn't like him being around me, maybe simply because of my curiosity. My father had always said that he would still love me if I was gay, but that was before those thoughts were really on my mind. Sure I wanted to be pretty then, but I was raised by a single father and had a little sister. I had to be the big brother.

That fellow may or may not have been gay, who knows. The early days nobody knew what gender dysphoria really was.

I went through a period of severe mental problems, around the age of 12-15. One day during that time period, I had stumbled across something online called a she-male. I cant lie, I was intensely sexually attracted to them. But...despite the sexual attraction, I was jealous of them... I cant explain why. Jealous like you are when you somebody has something you want...but are afraid to admit to wanting. I started daydreaming and fantasizing, not only about being with them, but being one...then I happened to find a little more about transsexuals...I started to actually learn about some as opposed to seeing them as objects.

Good thing - we all go through that self discovery phase. HA! I am certainly NOT a she-male or a drag queen. I am transsexual, but a male bodied woman, that's all. I am a real person, and not particularly flamboyant. I am just me. I have now transitioned, I am pre-op, but I live full time as myself.

Well then high school came around. I was always a bit of a social outcast, and never very social..shy quite..so on and so forth. I left self expression on the side of the road, and instead opted to became what males are expected to be. Or what I thought they are expected to be. But I always felt as though I was missing a part of me.

I call that 'playacting male."

Well, my first relationship, and indeed my only, came about when I was sixteen. I loved her deeply for the six years we where together, but I could never be what she wanted. Or maybe...I anticipated she wanted something else. I have always had a hard time being open, for fear of judgment, ridicule, abandonment ect ect... Anyway I digress...

I was married three times to women (of course - I dislike males) - widowed and divorced and divorced. I have three grown children.

So when I was 19 or so I first cross-dressed, or at least in earnest. I had slipped on my sisters skirt or tried to apply a quick dash of makeup, even once I went to school with mascara and nail polish on...and was almost pummeled into the ground. But this time was the first earnest time. I was home alone, my S/O at work, I had read a story about a man dressing as a woman for the first time. At that time I had, as many times in the past, looked up information on gender issues...maybe to vicariously be what I wanted to be. Anyway, I went to go fold laundry. It was all the fault of my S/O's silk panties, I felt them on my hands...and then my neck. I wasn't physically aroused so much as mentally. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Does - you were captivated by the femaleness of them. It was what you craved.

I then decided I had to feel it, just once. So I put them one…then on a pair of her jeans, and then a bra, and a pretty flowing shirt… I felt. Right. Like someone gave me eggs and milk. I had always shaved my body hair, and the tight fitting jeans and flowing blouse. It felt like I was right for once….

BINGO

I went to the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t look myself in the face…I was too ashamed. But I looked good. I felt good. I gathered up my courage, and looked at myself. I had confidence. Something I never had before. Then decided I needed makeup, that my S/O had a perfect golden eye shadow that would really make my green eyes stand out.

Well…I guess that’s my history with my gender issues…but mentally… it all adds up to so much more. Because of the life I have lived, I have always had to put on a masculine ‘face’. I mean I feel like there is two sides to me. Like there is Dawns Star the MAN and then Dawns Star. The Male aspect is something that I never asked for, I have never felt comfortable having to be him. Its not that I hate him, its that I’m expected to be him.

EXACTLY

And I don’t want to be. I just want o be me. I want to be able to express emotion, and be gentle, and be able to wear make up or clothing that I find attractive… I want to be allowed to wear my hair long and have it flowing over my shoulders. I know these traits aren’t…they aren’t female only…but as a female they are acceptable. If you are a male that has these traits, at least in my environment, you are looked down upon.

But not as a woman? Not necessarily - but I see what you mean.

I used to grow my hair out long. But on several occasions I had to cut it. Every time I have I have cried. I felt like I was cutting away my ONLY link to what I was at my very nature. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror. When I saw how professional I looked, and how responsible I looked. I felt so disgusting. But I accepted it. That’s the way I am…I am supposed to be.

DO NOT live your life trying to please others. It will eventually lead to self destruction.

My interests arnt what their supposed to be as a male. OR my ‘mens’ interests aren’t as wide and varied as my ‘female’ interests. I don’t like sports, except combat sports (fencing martial arts and the ilk) I am good at math but prefer not having to do it. I do love science though. But…fashion for example. I have always wanted to investigate that world, but I have restricted myself from it. Simply because a MAN doesn’t care about fashion. So I have restricted myself from investigating it. Or sewing. I loved sewing, when I was young one of my step-mothers had taught me how to crochet and then to sew. And gods did I love it. It was calming and meditative. You saw your works manifest before your eyes, beauty evolve from nothing. Btu I had showed somebody one of these works…they called me a Sweetie…I stopped.

Jerks - calling you sweetie! It ruined your pleasure! Male or Female , in today's modern world, you need to pursue what you like doing. Life is waaaaaay to short.

Art poetry writing photography. Objects of beauty and splendor. And wonder. Be able to express this and sow this though myself….

Maybe I just abhor masculinity. I know I part I do…or maybe that’s wrong. I dislike it because it is forced upon me by a desire to conform or be ridiculed.

It's why I dislike males, what they are, what they accept as reasonable when it isn't, how they treat women - how they treated me when I was playacting male.

Maybe the question isn’t with my gender, but my sexuality? I’m not gay, or at least I don’t think I am. I’m not attracted to the male body…but I’m not unattracted either. I mean. There have been afew males which have turend my head, but all of hem have been what most would call feminine. Either in personality but most usually in physical appearance. I haven’t actually known any of these effeminate males, I have always been afraid that if I did I might become too attracted…and find out I was gay. I mean, its not like I dislike gays or anything, and I have known gays. I have been hit on my gays. And in truth I did like it…

Don't worry about your sexuality now. The condition is gender related and has little to do with sexual orientation. Labels don't apply to us anyway, you will eventually understand that.

But there has only been one of these non-effeminate gay men I have ever even considered being sexually involved with, and I was very drunk and very high…but I enjoyed flirting with him…and cuddling with him. It didn’t go past that, despite how hard he tried to get me in bed.

I know I am attracted to females though. I love their bodies, their eyes ,and their curves, and their faces and lips and breasts and how they move . I love girls, I know I do. I love how they make me feel, physically an mentally and emotionally. And I cant honestly see myself, long term, with a male. But I can with a female…

We are all different. Me? I love women. I love what they are, what I am now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to know the woman's part of sexual intercourse, but... well I fell in love with someone, and she is not a man.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I am attracted to the image of male genitalia on a female body. I don’t know why, maybe because on some deep rooted level the phallus means dominance, and sexually there is nothing I love more that a dominant woman…something that society dictates shouldn’t be… And personally, I have never met a girl that liked to ‘be on top’ as it were. Every female I have ever met and have discussed the subject of a dominant woman with, have all said the same thing….the man should be dominant…but I’m not. I cant be…that isn’t correct though. I can be, but I prefer not to be. I want ‘her’ to take control of me. I want her to accept me…

No - keep asking! Dominant women are out there. Also the 'she-male' image you describe is possibly an erotic reaction, especially if yu are projecting into that body as your own. BUT - only therapy can sort all this out.

My ideal ‘woman’ is this: A woman with a phallus, sexually dominant, but also respecting of my opinion in the relationship. She will accept understand and enjoy my femininity. She will encourage me. Help me grow as I help her grow. We will share our dreams and grow together. She would enjoy art, and join me in carving and painting and sculpting. She will not be afraid to express herself. She will help me find the confidence that I typically don’t have. …

Well go out and find her! Love is love - whatever it is.

So…that’s my gender and sexuality… The COGIATI, which lead me here, I took the other day told me I scored a 135 Probable Transsexual. But that doesn’t feel right…I like having a phallus. I enjoy its responses, I enjoy…well I enjoy it. I don’t want to be a woman…I wouldn’t mind being a woman, I’d rather be a woman than a man, but its not like I am unhappy with being a genetic male…am I?

I don't know, you don't know either. I strongly suggest a gender dysphoria trained therapist. Don't be afraid. They really can help.

There are also people classified as androgynous, autogynophilic, and all sorts of variations.

As you can probably tell…I am a bundle of nerves, a total knot. And I just wish there was some Alexander that could cut me in half and undo all the confusion. Both sides could go their own way, and live happily ever after. The end.

Well you started unraveling that knot by coming on here - its the start you need.

But the end is what also concerns me. Say I did fid myself. I was somehow able to express this side of myself that I think I have… what about ten years from now? Or Twenty? How about when I’m old and wrinkled. I mean, I can see myself as a female, or feminine right now…but as an elderly person,

DANG IT - look at my avatar - 26 months on HRT, age 63. I DID IT!

I can only see myself as male….I hate it, but accept it. Because its all I know? Is the concept of my own feminization so alien to me hat I just cant see myself that when I’m old and grey?

THAT held me back for 50 plus years.

I’m sorry this was so long of an explanation, I really did try to be brief…but… its really not something I can explain in brief terms. I guess I just really have a few questions. What is my gender? What is my sexuality? Am I a transsexual and don’t know it? Am I androgynous and cant accept it? How do I accept any of it? I have lived so long trying to be ‘ a man’ that its becoming more and more of what I am.

Probably 'playacting' as a man. GRIN - that was me. It hit me late in life, it's going to lead me to the grave.

But this masculinity…I am more angry when I accept it….I don’t want to be angry. I dont want to be sad…I just want to be me….

Stay with us on this! We can help you.

Thank you

DS

Lizzy

[Guest]

Hello Dawns Star,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

Your confusion is not unusual, unfortunately. Most of us have struggled with our identity for a long time, and many have been helped through a Gender Therapist. That's one of the first places you can try to help understand yourself. I see you're from Oregon - hopefully near Portland - it's easier to find therapy in the cities, of course.

And you're probably becoming aware that transgender is a broad spectrum, composed of many folks with many points of view. Unlike Lizzy, I've been here for two years, and still haven't got my own direction down yet - but, I've come to be very relaxed about being myself - what ever that means at a given time! Self-acceptance is a key thing - if you can be yourself without doubt, you've got it made!

I hope to hear more from you! In the meantime, have a look around the forum, and read what others have to say, you'll feel like you're not alone!

Love, Kat

Just a reminder: Please read the forum rules, and keep your posts on PG-13 level, to make it safe for our youth (and for their parents).

[Guest JaniceW]

Dawns Star,

First of all Hi and welcome to Laura's.

Wow, what a great and thorough introduction you just wrote about me. Thanks.

No really, while I was reading your introduction I was remembering the exact same events from my life.

I can't give you any answers, but I can tell you that you asking all the right questions. Your answers have to come from you and as you aleady know you are not really a very cooperative participant in this circus called gender identity. Their are professionals trained in this area who can be a real help to you in sorting out your answers. A Gender Therapist can be a really helpful ally in this self examination.

We sisters and brothers in spirit can offer our advice and share our experiences but we are not professional gender therapists.

Again welcome you have come to the right place to find support. You will meet a lot of really great folks here who have all asked the very questions that you are asking. Sit down, kick off your shoes, have a cup of hot tea and relax a while. Someone will be right along with the goodie cart.

[Guest Dawns Star]

Thank you all for your responses, it really helps to know that I'm not exactly blazing a new trail, but instead just on a path less traveled.

Elizabeth K

DO NOT live your life trying to please others. It will eventually lead to self destruction.

I have read and heard this so many time, from so many places but. If you live simply for yourself. don't you run the risk of being alone? Of being totally unaccepted and ostracized? I really don't know which scares me worse, the idea I can never be what I wish to be, or the idea that I will be without human connections. I really hate to admit, like I said I have always been a loner, but the older I get, the more I crave social interaction and having those human connections.

Elizabeth K

It's why I dislike males, what they are, what they accept as reasonable when it isn't, how they treat women - how they treated me when I was playacting male.

I can totally sympathize. I have always gotten along with females better than males. I hate to think that I dislike anybody for who they are, but I cannot help this dislike for males. The constant competition and one-uping each other. I mean, I like a little bit of friendly competition here and there, but nearly every male I have every met it has been constant thing. I mean, how can someone even do that, live simple to prove your the alpha... it has to be so tiring. At least it was/is for me.

Elizabeth K

I don't know, you don't know either. I strongly suggest a gender dysphoria trained therapist. Don't be afraid. They really can help.

I have thought about it before, but I have had bad experiences with therapists. and the idea of exposing all of my deepest innermost thoughts to a person I dont know. It terrifies me. I mean...the courage I had to work up to even post here even though I had the cover of anonymity.

Elizabeth K'

There are also people classified as androgynous, autogynophilic, and all sorts of variations.

I guess that's part of the problem for me. I have done some research, trying to learn about the various ways people describe themselves as. But sorting it all out is so difficult. They all seem to...to use another metaphor, be part of the same web, intricately linked, but still their individual strands of thread. They have so much in common, but each thread inherently is its own thing...maybe that's another bad metaphor...

Elizabeth K

Probably 'playacting' as a man. GRIN - that was me. It hit me late in life, it's going to lead me to the grave.

I'm afraid that I'll get to that state to. I don't want to be driven to such drastic measure because I cant be me...

Elizabeth K

Don't worry about your sexuality now. The condition is gender related and has little to do with sexual orientation. Labels don't apply to us anyway, you will eventually understand that.

Thank you. Very very much. I was very nervous that it might be a question of sexuality and NOT gender. But if it is gender, it does make everything more complicated. And I guess in my heart I always knew it was a gender question, but couldn't admit to it.

Kathleen Rose

Your confusion is not unusual, unfortunately. Most of us have struggled with our identity for a long time, and many have been helped through a Gender Therapist. That's one of the first places you can try to help understand yourself. I see you're from Oregon - hopefully near Portland - it's easier to find therapy in the cities, of course.

Yeah. I live way out in the middle of nowhere, but do plan on moving up to Salem in the near future, so maybe when I get everything else sorted out, I can give a serious look at seeing a gender therapist.

Kathleen Rose

And you're probably becoming aware that transgender is a broad spectrum, composed of many folks with many points of view. Unlike Lizzy, I've been here for two years, and still haven't got my own direction down yet - but, I've come to be very relaxed about being myself - what ever that means at a given time! Self-acceptance is a key thing - if you can be yourself without doubt, you've got it made!

It is a broad spectrum, and I guess that what I have to realize, it is a spectrum. Just like light and the forms of radiation... There all forms of energy, all inherently the same thing, but so vastly different. It can be difficult to brake the mindset of a binary system. To realize there is something (man somethings even) between 1 and 0.

Kathleen Rose

Just a reminder: Please read the forum rules, and keep your posts on PG-13 level, to make it safe for our youth (and for their parents).

Sorry, I do have a tendency to speak a little too frankly at times. I should really come with a parental advisory taped to my forehead, hehe. I'll watch my mouth from now on.

JaniceW

Wow, what a great and thorough introduction you just wrote about me. Thanks.

No really, while I was reading your introduction I was remembering the exact same events from my life.

It might sound strange, but that's very good to hear. I does make me feel much less alone. Thank you.

JaniceW

I can't give you any answers, but I can tell you that you asking all the right questions. Your answers have to come from you and as you aleady know you are not really a very cooperative participant in this circus called gender identity.

You'd think it would be easy to accept who you are. I mean, it makes no sense that it would be a difficult thing. I guess humans are just to complicated for their own good.

JaniceW

We sisters and brothers in spirit can offer our advice and share our experiences but we are not professional gender therapists.

I understand that you might not be therapists. But, from my experience, life experience and personal journeys have always taught me more, always helped me in accepting things better. And in part, I really needed to know that I am not alone in this circus. Intellectually I knew but I guess that want enough.

I want to thank you all again. I guess I really needed to feel as though I'm not alone in this confusion, and that there are others that have been through the same thing as I am going through. That my issues aren't spawned from some...mental defect i guess. That they aren't sex, but are gender. And that I do have some hope of finding a nice happy spot where I can actually talk freely about my confusions.

After I read your responses, It had an immediate effect on me. I feel a bit calmer, a bit more accepting. And honestly happy. Thank you all. So much.

-DS

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

I have read and heard this so many time, from so many places but. If you live simply for yourself. don't you run the risk of being alone? Of being totally unaccepted and ostracized? I really don't know which scares me worse, the idea I can never be what I wish to be, or the idea that I will be without human connections. I really hate to admit, like I said I have always been a loner, but the older I get, the more I crave social interaction and having those human connections.

In my experience, once you start living for yourself and not for others, people notice your confidence and acceptance of yourself and are more likely to accept you, people won't accept you if you don't accept yourself first, just like you have to learn to love yourself before someone else can love you. And if being yourself causes someone to not want to be your friend... then they weren't really a friend to begin with

Welcome to Laura's

[Guest JaniceW]

Dawn Star,

I just wanted to tell you that I really was impressed with your thread title. I can almost see MC Escher's interpretation of my mind and he is probably the only artist that cold ever capture it on canvas.

[Guest Avery F]

Hello,

I think that what you said, about living life to please yourself causing problems, can be true to some extent... on the other hand, if you live your life completely for other people, it's almost certain to cause very serious problems for you. Perhaps the best way is to strike a balance - that is, be generous to other people, try to make them happy, but not at the expense of your mental health. Sure, you might do something for someone that inconveniences you, but don't give up too much of yourself. Things like gender identity are very important, and I think it's a natural right for everyone to be able to be themselves on that level.

I'm very sorry that you've had so much trouble when you tried to express some feminine qualities; it seems to be the case that male-bodied people displaying feminine qualities are much less accepted than female-bodied people displaying masculine qualities, and I think that's a shame. I don't know what sort of living situation you're in currently, but some areas of the country are much more accepting of gender diversity than others, so if you decide that your gender is not male or female, but something different which may require a presentation that is not considered 'normal', you might consider moving.

About the therapists - I too have had bad experiences with therapists; four bad experiences (with four separate therapists) in fact, and they resulted in a misdiagnosis and permanent mental issues related to repressing emotions. All I can say is, despite the numerous bad therapists out there, finding the right one can be a lifesaver, literally. The therapist I have now is wonderful. If you can, I'd strongly recommend trying to find a gender therapist and at least giving them a try. This site is amazing, and I congratulate you on having the courage to post here, and expose so much of yourself, but the folks here really can't help in the same ways that a therapist can. We can provide emotional support and advice from our own experiences, but a therapist is what you need if you want help figuring out where on the gender spectrum you are.

Lastly, and this is slightly random, you have absolutely astonishing prose. You mentioned that you like to write, and from what you've written here it's apparent that you're very good at it. And no, I don't think being artistic makes one a 'sweetie'

I really hope that you can find a way to sort out the confusion you're going through right now. This sounds cliche, but no matter which gender you are, female or male or something in between or different, I think the most important thing you can do is be yourself, once you figure out what that means.

Best of luck,

Avery