Considering My Identity

[Guest Eric6]

When I first signed up to this site, I wasn't sure what to put down in That Box. Transgender? FTM? In the end I did put FTM - biologically female, drawn to being male. Typically tomboy childhood, often played with boys IF was allowed to, disliked female clothing without being really sure why, believed my brother got all the cool toys. Though we did both get these fantastic model trains one year :-)

I've been reading a lot of people's posts and am very reassured by reading a lot of the same thoughts and ideas that I've had. Sometimes expressed much better than I could :-) I also feel a little envious when I encounter so many young transgender people who have worked out who they are much sooner than I did. Or did I? I just didn't put words to it. Didn't think it through.

I'd say I'm androgynous for sure. I wear guy-style clothing and sometimes I pass, but I have to admit that doesn't happen often. I haven't had any surgery and can't see myself having any, though I would seriously like to ditch the boobs. I took the step of ordering a binder from T Kingdom which works really well, though it's much too hot where I am in Australia right now to wear it much at the moment. Right now I'm busy working up the nerve to go to a unisex hairdresser with a couple of pictures of guys with the sort of haircut I want :-) I wear my hair short, have for years, but it's still rather girly looking. The fact that it's wavy doesn't help that, but hey, you work with what you've got.

I call myself Alex in my mind and online in some places. There's another website I visit, for asexual people, which is something else I identify as. When I read that site, it made sense to me, it was that simple. There were other people like me. I wasn't weird, I wasn't frigid, I was just - not interested. I'm not anxious about that, not now, though I was when I was younger. I'm a bit more anxious about the FTM thing, though not wanting to see a therapist, more just to sort it out in my own mind. CAn you be FTM without wanting surgery? I hope you can.

Alex

[JJ]

Alex,

Being FtM has to do with how your brain is-how your identity is, and nothing to do with what you do about it in my opinion anyway. I am male. I didn't plan to transition or have surgery at all but still was no less male.

It took months to work through to the point that I realized I have to transition. No matter the price financially or any other way. What you feel about where you need to go may change but who you are is who you were born.

I also have identified as asexual for many years. Celibate for decades. Deciding to transition has changed that view somewhat. being on T changed it even more:D. I am not a lesbian and am just wired not to be able to have a relationship as woman to woman so as long asI have a female body i will not have that kind of relationship. I've thought I was attracted to males. Have deeply loved a man. But not sex. Not with a man or in a female body. I have come to see that the man I loved was so like me only male. I loved what he was-could live through him but was not attracted physically. I plan to have top surgery. Feel like I have to. Bottom surgery no because it just isn't advanced enough to be worth it to me. But there are ways to make that aspect work. So maybe one day i will love someone in a real way. I hope so. I can at least toy with the possibility now.

But when I first identified the very idea of packers and binders or any physical relationships was uncomfortable to me. For me, and I think many of us who have had to live our lives for quite awhile in the wrong gender, it is a slow process of self discovery before we get to a realization of where we need to be and it's implications in our lives. A gender therapist can help immensely and prevent some confusion and heartache as they provide guidance.