Need A Meeting

[Guest raydub]

Ive been going through it the past few days at home. You know what they say relationships and finances will take you out. Im over the finances issues and actually start a new job Monday so Im beyond worrying about those. Its my relationship thats got me all screwed up right now.

I havent been to a meeting in about a week, and Im just darned scared to go to one. I know my homegroup loves me and are probably worried cause I havent talked to anyone and havent been showing up. But I feel so.. insecure when it comes to identifying as male at my meeting. The people there know me and some of them have known me since I was a young person (my mom's in the program --yeah yeah anonymity...whatever dude..she's my MOM and she doesnt care)... and they call me the right name but..

ok.. i KNOW its my OWN issue.. but what the **** am I supposed to DO about it?

Have I talked to my sponsor.. No. I dont even know how to articulate what the problem is.

Yes, I know I shouldnt give a rats *** about what they MIGHT say about me or think and just SHOW UP.. but that's suddenly become very very hard to do.

Going to a new meeting wont help as I dont pass and I will be she'd out of there as well. Yes, I know I should never let anyone run me from a meeting...but Ive been run away before I could even show up.

If i were to go, id share about how i put my fist through me and my s/o's bedroom door the other night and she says she thinks I punched the door because im a man. then she gets me to say i'll never do it again (which im fine with! and i wont!) soon after mentioning that her dad used to punch walls when she was growing up. GREAT! Ive traumatized my girlfriend...wonderful. AND now she's got a SOLID reason to not want me to transition or leave me at any minute...

im sure im jumping to conclusions but since im kinda freaking out AND skipped my meeting last night i just had to share with someone. thank you for reading.

Ray

[Guest raydub]

wait...there's more.

so my s/o hasnt had a drink in almost 2 years. when she stopped she said that she thought it would be disrespectful to come home to me with alcohol on her breathe and kiss me. i told her then that she didnt have to do that.. that she shouldnt be punished because im an alcoholic. that was then.

NOW.. im completely used to her not drinking and i love that when we go to parties or go out with friends that im not the ONLY one not drinking..since she doesnt drink either. she was invited to a margarita party tomorrow night. last night she asked me if i minded if she had a margarita. im not even sure if i remember what i said in response. im sure i told her that i wouldnt like it but that if that is what she wanted to do then..

i was thinking about it this morning and for real.. if she comes home drunk i wont deal with it, period. if she smells like alcohol i wont kiss her, period. i cant do it. if she comes home beligerent..id leave. id start walking and probably sleep at my sister's house.. she lives a few blocks down the street in another apartment complex.

sigh. again with the jumping to conclusions..i know.. but... from the stories ive heard - we used to drink alike.. and i just cant deal.

Ray

[Guest jantonio]

Hi Ray:

I know what you mean, I like the AA meeting I am going to at the moment but when my transition starts I don't know how am I going to address it. But I think I will speak with the person who chairs the meeting he's a nice man.

I suggest that if you feel you have a good relationship with your sponsor to speak with him or her first. Then take it from there. That's just a suggestion.

Good luck..

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Sergei]

Hey Ray, I can relate to not ever wanting to go back to places where you first identified yourself to others as female. It can just feel like a massive step back, even if them people are extremely supportive. I find myself hanging around less and less with the people I knew before transition. Even though the people I am very close to now know I am a transman, they still never knew me as a woman, and I don't know, but somehow it is different.

I think you should still make the effort to attend your meetings. I never did go to AA like you and many others here encouraged me too but from the success stories I have heard it sounds like a wonderful and supportive place. It may take time at first, but I'm sure f you explain your situation, in time people will manage to adjust. Hope everything works out for you. x

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi Ray! I am sorry that I don't have a lot of experience with AA and related issues, but I wanted to speak up and offer some words of encouragement. After all, you are my bro.

First, you've gotta get to that meeting. It is going to be hard, but you just have to gather your strength and charge on in there. Just go for it. I'm not out to most people, so I probably don't truly understand the anxiety associated with going back to a place where you first identified as female. Still, I am no stranger to anxiety. Anxiety is with me all the time, everywhere I go. One thing I'm really afraid of is doctors. Still, I know that I have to get over that. Transitioning is going to toss me head on into the medical arena...and not always in the most comfortable situations. Sometimes the only way to get yourself to do things that you don't want to do is just to hold your breath and go for it. Once you get through the initial stress, it gets better. You're a cool guy and it sound like your group loves you. Just get in there. From what you've written it sounds like you know what you have to do. Just get in there and do it. My gut feeling is that finding another meeting with new people isn't the way to go. That's just going to bring a different kind of anxiety that won't be any easier to deal with. Just my 2 cents. Like I said, I guess I don't really understand things firsthand.

Second, punching a hole in the door has nothing to do with being male. You probably feel like I do. There is all kinds of pressure building up and you feel stretched tight, like a rubber band about to snap. That's how the stress of starting to transition and coming out to people is affecting me. Even before I identified as trans, I put my fist through some bedroom doors and sheet rock. Sometimes the anger and stress is too much to keep in. In spite of this, I'm still a softie...you probably are too. I think the big thing with the punching the door is how the s/o reacted. It brought back some bad feelings from her past and she was reacting more to those, and less to the specific situation.

About the s/o drinking...that's a tough one. My completely uninformed vote on this one is not to make more out of this than you need to. I mean, there are probably some complex things going on here that I don't understand, but I think I have some ideas. One thing is that I imagine you are feeling a little betrayed by your s/o taking a drink. You guys were united in sobriety. This probably feels like she's distancing herself from you, in a way.

If she does come home drunk, I think it is probably a good idea that you just not say anything and leave. For one thing, it isn't like she's going to be ready for a calm, well-reasoned chat if she's drunk. I can see that blowing up into a bad situation. Since you have the option, just take yourself out of the situation if it looks like it is going to be like that. On the bright side, at least she told you what she was going to do...she even asked you if it was okay. It might be that she just goes out and has one margarita...that's it.

Well, that's my long-winded take. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers (if ol' Mr. Jesus listens to me). Hang in there, buddy.

[Guest raydub]

Thank you guys for the support.

Youre right.. I should suck it up and go to the meeting. I'll get there. Its not all bad cause Im out to the people that come regularly..Ive talked to some of them personally..and ive also shared about it a few times. im just TIRED of sharing it! im tired of having to qualify and having to correct people or tell NEW people. it just kinda sucks. but its what its all come to pretty much.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers (if ol' Mr. Jesus listens to me). Hang in there, buddy.

Stranded.. Mr. Jesus will ALWAYS listen to you. Im hangin...

Ray

[Guest Rachael92]

Ive been going through it the past few days at home. You know what they say relationships and finances will take you out. Im over the finances issues and actually start a new job Monday so Im beyond worrying about those. Its my relationship thats got me all screwed up right now.

I havent been to a meeting in about a week, and Im just darned scared to go to one. I know my homegroup loves me and are probably worried cause I havent talked to anyone and havent been showing up. But I feel so.. insecure when it comes to identifying as male at my meeting. The people there know me and some of them have known me since I was a young person (my mom's in the program --yeah yeah anonymity...whatever dude..she's my MOM and she doesnt care)... and they call me the right name but..

ok.. i KNOW its my OWN issue.. but what the **** am I supposed to DO about it?

Have I talked to my sponsor.. No. I dont even know how to articulate what the problem is.

Yes, I know I shouldnt give a rats *** about what they MIGHT say about me or think and just SHOW UP.. but that's suddenly become very very hard to do.

Going to a new meeting wont help as I dont pass and I will be she'd out of there as well. Yes, I know I should never let anyone run me from a meeting...but Ive been run away before I could even show up.

If i were to go, id share about how i put my fist through me and my s/o's bedroom door the other night and she says she thinks I punched the door because im a man. then she gets me to say i'll never do it again (which im fine with! and i wont!) soon after mentioning that her dad used to punch walls when she was growing up. GREAT! Ive traumatized my girlfriend...wonderful. AND now she's got a SOLID reason to not want me to transition or leave me at any minute...

im sure im jumping to conclusions but since im kinda freaking out AND skipped my meeting last night i just had to share with someone. thank you for reading.

Ray

[Guest Rachael92]

Please dont take chances with this damm illness-go to a meeting its that simple-For me Ray its when I dont want to go that I make sure that I do go-sorry I dont wanna sound patronising but thats it from me straight xx

[Guest raydub]

Please dont take chances with this damm illness-go to a meeting its that simple-For me Ray its when I dont want to go that I make sure that I do go-sorry I dont wanna sound patronising but thats it from me straight xx

Its ok.. you dont sound patronizing. I used to tell people the same thing. It helps to hear it outside of myself. I'll go to a meeting today.

Thank you again guys.

Ray

[Guest jantonio]

Cool Ray, hang in there man.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Robin/bobbi]

Ray...

I been transitioning in the halls for 2 years now. Yes it is uncomfortable at times. There uncomfortable too.

My suggestion is to Buy a shirt that says "I am a GUY and wear it to the meeting". Make them leave. your a guy become obnoxious giggles

If you cant transition from girl to boy in the halls of AA. then your too sensitive...........

Self-Pity and being self absorb......

".........for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap" Chapter nine "The Family Afterward in the Big Book.

I was told that i don't go to meeting for me. I go so other will see how i act and get hope.

How many that are in the closet are watching you and gaining strength for that day when they come out?