A Little Advice Needed Maybe.

[Guest EvenClose]

Well everyone it seems as if my s/o ain't quite understanding the situation im in.

She seems to refuse to let herself think of me in any "feminine" way.

Thats sort of understandable. BUT (<--here it comes, you knew it was gonna happen eventually though)

I have always been pretty much androgynous. I haven't did anything much differently than I always have in the past.

I have gave her plenty of opportunities to do research on this. I have provided research, reading, THIS SITE, etc etc.

But (thats #2) to no avail she still seems to play the, yeah i don't get it, card.

She doesn't plan on leaving, but she treats me like im some sort of disgusting anomaly.

Everytime I just be myself ( as in just acting, mannerisms, way I talk,etc) she looks at me like i should be in the nut house.

She refers to me as one of "those" people.

I know she is in denial, i know she is dealing with depression. Some of that has nothing to do with me what so ever.

I would just give up and move, but thats a little more than complicated. Plus, im not the type to give up. She needs me probably more than I need her.

I just don't believe in giving up on people when the need help the most. Yeah it hurts, yeah it really is a bummer.

SOOO how do I find some kind of middle ground with this? I have sat down with her and talked many times about this, I even left a journal out ( and she read it) so maybe she would have a better understanding of me.

The only person she treats bad is me, and my kid see's this, which in return makes her (my kid) think its ok for her to do the same thing.

Im doin ok, and im strong enough to deal with this, but i could really use some advice.

She refuses to see a therapist ( which i think would be of the most help, but thats imo)

So any ideas yall? I know someone has had to have had this same problem. I also know it probably didn't end all that well.

But (thats #3 suppose to be a charm right?) I believe than she as a person is better than this and that she can overcome her problems in life, just like I have too.

So thats where im at. Very frustrated, tired of being "HIM'd 24/7 and seeing no peace in sight. Its crappy at work and at home. I need help getting some peace.

Bring on the ideas, I need em.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi EvenClose,

I wish I could give you wonderful ideas and suggestions and tremendous hope for the future. But you're in a tough situation. And to me the worst part is that your spouse is trying (whether you understand it or not) to get support for her side with your child. That is definitely not a good thing at all. Mostly that's very unfair to your daughter, trying to make her choose sides.

You also say that you feel she needs you more than you need her. Unless she is absolutely physically disabled in some way and has no other family members at all, too often that is not really true.

My ex- I'm sure really thought that I would need her in a bad way after she moved out, and I would come crawling back to her begging forgiveness (for nothing actually), especially since she more or less dumped our 12 month old son on me, not wanting anything at all to do with him, 'while she got her life together'. I would have wanted her back, but not in that way. It had to be on equal footing or I knew it wouldn't ever work. (btw, I was changing diapers, feeding, caring for our child about 40-50% of the time already and I worked a rotating shift and she didn't work at all). Unless totally unable, people do have a resiliancy that amazes others if they are forced to.

But, you feel that she is basically better than she has been acting. I hope you're right. I would guess that she might have a fear of seeing a therapist where she might be told that she should be better (or that you're really not one of 'those' people after all - shattered images are not all that nice to deal with). I know that's not what therapy is about, but I think that's a fear lots of people have.

Do you know and are you giving her what she feels she needs? So often in these situations it can revolve around one thing, but not necessarily. I can only suggest that you do what you can to show her you really care about her now, and for the forseeable future.

Hope it works for you.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Michele H]

I really don't see a good outcome if you continue to stay - The part that concerns me is how it is affecting your kids,

[Guest Elizabeth K]

MTF marriage survival rates are dismal once the genie is out of the bottle. Please know she has a right to her own reaction, and it may not be favorable to what you want. There is probably little that can be done.

I am sorry to say all that, but it cannot be sugar-coated.

Lizzy

[Guest Emily Ray]

I feel much as the others do. Often we want to believe that our spouses are capable of being better than they are presently acting. And no one wants to through in the towel early on a marriage. But, the way she is treating you is effecting how your child is treating you and that5 can not be allowed to continue. It is time dear. You need to start preparing your exit plan and I suggest that you take every advantage you can in protecting you and your childs relationship. Your child is the one who needs you to be strong in this. Don't let her down in an attempt to be chivalrous.

I am sorry you are going through this. It will get better after you can put this ugliness behind you. There are so many here who have proved it over and over again.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest JaniceW]

I have lived and am living with a similar situation right now. My kids are older and they have their own opinions and have been supportive to me. My wife has gone through a period of being a total maniac to me, to not talking to me at all but making snide remarks when I would walk through a room, to where she is now sort of civil coexistance in the house. I have been sent out of my bedroom to sleep in a room in the basement right off of my home office that is small enough to be a large closet.

I have lived through hell internally from this, periods of overwhelming guilt and periods of complete depression. I had to work out what I needed to do for me to survive because she wouldn't even talk to me. The most important thing I have learned from this is that you have to pay attention to yourself and what you need to survive and be whole for you and your child. Your wife is dealing with what she needs to deal with (and not very well from what you describe). You need to focus on your child and yourself adn the one of the best things you can do for your child is to keep yourself sane.

[Drea]

have gave her plenty of opportunities to do research on this. I have provided research, reading, THIS SITE, etc etc.

But (thats #2) to no avail she still seems to play the, yeah i don't get it, card

Well truth be told, only those who are trans "get it" and even tend to think of this stuff as "normal". Even those accepting don't really get it, they pretty much are going to see it as odd, an anomoly, no matter how nice they are about it. We all have our friends or family who are a bit, um eccentric in some if not many ways.

Regardless it doesn't sound promising. To have any chance, you need to put yourself mentally in her place and understand what she is feeling in the situaiton. If you can truely do that, see what actions you may be doing which aggravate the situation that can be avoided, and find areas you can compromise that aid her greatly, you might be able to work something out.

The giving her research, leaving out journal, pointing her at this site, etc tends to fit one of the common patterns I seen with MTF dealing with a spouse. It seems to me, such reaches a point where it only irritates the spouse. I also tends to be indicative of other issues within the marriage relating to communication. In one instance the MTF had started hormones without telling the wife. Again the key here is to look beyond your interests and feelings to hers and figure out what you can acknowledge and validate of her feelings. In doing so she might be willing to talk.

[Guest jamiejcmo]

Omg that's sounds like my past. I'm not going to give advise but will tell how my situation turned out. My spouse and I tried to make it work. She would seem to accept and then pull away. We went thru this cycle for about a year and she finally said " I'm not a lesbian, I'm not living with another girl. She saw how happy I was and agreed I needed to do it but decided she was leaving. As much as it hurt both of us, a few months after the devotee we both had moved on. She had a new man and I worked on my new life. We did not speak to each other for 12 years and then just a few months ago( since I am full-time we went to dinner together. We talked and made up and are great friends again. She is married and we go shopping together.

As far the children go, the only thing I asked is she not tell them about me( two teenage boys that I was raising from my first marriage in high school) . She did respect that. I was able to tell my boys ( now grown and gone) myself.

It seemed like the end of a long marriage but it turned out to be a great friendship in the long run. I wish you the best and hope things can work, Jamie

[Sakura]

i always noticed, in alot of relations ships not just with the S/O . the fingur is pointed at them , and they are made out to be the villain. in attempts to get them to see it " our way " we shove articals . and literature at them . and web sites. with out understanding their feelings. but demanding they understand ours . its hard to erase X amount of year as a man from peoples memories .

there is the time factor to consider . time she has known you as a man vs time you have been out to her. regardless of you androgeny . she thinks of you as a man knows you as a man . the father of her children . a few journal pages and a web site . will do little to change her prespective on that . only time can do that . if she can even warp her head around it at all. many people can't . like drea said only we truly understand it . to most every one else we are an anomally. its not her fault, humans are biologically wired to only understand male and female. to them gender is black and white and deppendant of your genitals . she may not be refusing to recognize your femininity . her brain will just not allow her to do so.

then you have to look at the issue of her own sexuality . if she is not a lesbien , there is nothing you can do to change it. and it would be un fair to expect her to do so .

i see the merrits in your side, being transsexual. i can fully sympathize with your plight . it does suck , it does hurt and it is unfair . but, being a woman . i can also see the merrit in her side as well, having a situation that is largly out of your control , thrust apon you . being expected to just accept it with no say in the matter . and the feeling your loosing the man you love .and your feeling of security . it does suck it does hurt and it is unfair .

like its already been said , many relation ships do not survive transition , for many reasons, alls you can really do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst . and give it some time.... possibly alot of time

Sakura