Told My Mom

[Guest Audrey Elizabeth]

I came out to my mom on Monday evening. It has been something I really have been aching to do. My mom was confused as to what I was telling her because to her the idea of gender identity is synonyms with being gay. I was not surprised by her response, and I was prepared to take the time to explain things to her as gently and lovingly as I could. My mom did panic when I told her that I have been taking hormones for the last two months. She started pleading with me to stop. She was crying and so did I. All I could feel inside me was the desire to give her what she wanted, I mean she was crying and it was because of me! But really I knew I could not say that because it would be a lie, so I sat there patiently listening, and eventually she calmed down. She admitted this was very hard for her and she really did not understand and asked me to be patient with her. I told her it is normal for her to feel that way and to take the time she needs to figure things out. I then said hesitantly that I just hope that I do not lose her love. This prompted a strong and emphatic response from her that there is nothing I can do that will ever take her love away from me. That I can always count on her love and that I should never again feel that I have to hide anything from her. She even made me say I understand a few times.

That was basically a synopsis of Monday evening. It was hard but I got my fairy tale ending in that my mom expressed that she still loves me very much. But life does not stop on fairy tale endings because Tuesday evening came and with it a call from my mom. I could tell immediately that my mom had been crying and it did not take long until she was crying again and me not to long after. The night before was shocking to her, but now the gravity of it all was sinking in. She started seeing things from the way the world worked and she panicked. She begged me to stop, because she felt it was a mistake, that it would ruin my life, that my wife would abandon me, and that my kids would be forever harmed by this. She said that my doctor is doing the wrong thing in giving me female hormones, and if he really wanted to help me, rather than make money, he would give me male hormones so that he could fix me. I might have tried to stop her, but all I could do was roll up in a ball on the couch and cry as she talked. She went on like this for longer than I could imagine, but eventually she started calming down and apologized for being ignorant, but that she was so scared. It was emotionally exhausting, but I realized I had a better understanding of what was making this so hard for her. She really did not understand what it meant for me to have a gender identity of a woman and the emotional impact this has had on my life. I realized that I did not just hide my gender identity from her, but I also hid how I was tormented having to live this way. I explained that I have been able to survive by finding ways to coupe such as withdrawing and hiding when I could. This really sunk in and it made her start connecting some dots in my recent behavior. How I have initiated calling the rest of my siblings and the brother that I did not lose contact with told her how I was easier to talk to and much more fun. Even she realized that I have been calling her constantly and how much happier I have been. It hit her that this path that I am on was helping me, even if she did not understand it. She told me she was going to find a psychologist to get help understanding me so she can provide me the support that I need. This blew me away and made me smile.

Tuesday night ended the same with my mom assuring me that she absolutely loves me. Last night left me emotionally exhausted and I hope that what I wrote makes sense. I think the emotional impact was much worse than I had anticipated and I do not think there was anything that could have prepared me. However my only regret is that I did not trust my mom with this when I was young. My emotions today are up and down and I really do not know how I am going to function through the work day, but the sense of libration, my ability to breadth and the knowledge that I can be myself with my mom makes it all worth it.

Wow I did not think I was going to go on like I did. Sorry

Audrey

[Guest JaniceW]

Audrey,

I am so absolutely ecstatic for you! What a fabulous way for it to go. Even with the tears and emotion the place that you and your mom have ended up is wonderful. The way the two of you were there for each other is heartwarming.

Now, on with your life girl!

[Guest Audrey Elizabeth]

Audrey,

I am so absolutely ecstatic for you! What a fabulous way for it to go. Even with the tears and emotion the place that you and your mom have ended up is wonderful. The way the two of you were there for each other is heartwarming.

Now, on with your life girl!

Janice…you are so sweet!

Do I really get to live my life now? Yippy!!!

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Honey, you have a lot of life ahead of you and you need some resolution...

Hopefully you will find the peace that you need...

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You could not possibly have told your mother when you were younger, because you never had a full understanding of what was going on. It's time now - you did it - it's going to work out. Stay close to her and maybe it will be even better for both of you, soon.

I KNOW there is a double feeling here, one is that you are so sorry you upset her so, and secondly, you ARE out to her now, and it is a relief.

Lizzy

[Guest Areyan]

Audrey, i know exactly how this feels, my mother reacted the same to her little "girl" terrifying her with news that i wanted to transition to manhood. i'm not even in medical transition but she cried all night and begged me to reconsider, even stating that she would refuse to call me anything but the name she chose for me. sadly for me my mother is a rad-fem misandrist and it was partly the misandry (man-hatred for those that aren't familiar with the term) that drove me to desperation about having to come out to her. we started having arguments over the phone every time she started to blame men for everything, from religion to family issues to politics to capitalism - you name it, MENZ fault, lol. she figured it out oneday when her vitriol drove me to tears and asked me point blank if i was a man.

i'm glad for you that your mother is trying to come to grips with it and has kept in touch, even though it may be distressing for you - the best thing is, she's really trying. after one 8 hour convo that went absolutely nowhere with my mother in person where she badgered us both to emotional exhaustion she has decided to never speak of it again with me. i hope i can eventually open up some dialogue with her but i'm not holding my breath. good luck with your mother, i'm sure she'll come round when she sees the positive changes in you.