Ft(M/gq/?)

[Guest someone or other]

I’ve felt really confused about my gender identity for as long as I can remember. I recall very clearly that I refused to identify as a ‘girl’ when I was a child, opting for the category ‘tomboy’ instead. I went by a boy’s name, played almost exclusively with boys and “boys’ toys,” and tried to get my hair cut short when I was 4 (though my request was misinterpreted and only cut to just above shoulder length, which I found severely disappointing). However, I do remember playing with some “girls’ toys,” mainly animal-related things, and I did play on the girl’s team in girls against boys themed playground brawls.

I remember once in elementary school gym class, the teacher asked all of the guys to stand up, and I did so without thinking. The teacher then ridiculed me in front of the class—I think his assumption was that I was either not listening or being contrary on purpose, but this moment has stuck with my for quite a while.

Puberty was really difficult for me. I went to a new school in 4th grade and was thrust into a new friends group that was all female. I remember feeling like I didn’t fit in correctly with the rest of the group, but I could never figure out why. I think I tend to conceptualize that as the beginning of my social anxiety, but I think it may also be that I have difficulty navigating social groups of girls for the first time.

I struggled greatly through puberty; as a formerly athletic kid, I noticed that my body had ceased keeping up with my friends’. I did not grow much in height or muscularity like my male friends did (which lead to my quitting martial arts despite my former passion and talents for it), and I did not grow much of a chest like the females around me did, either. I remember wanting on some level to be more like my other female friends. I wanted to be able to fit this mold of femininity and its standards of beauty, but no matter how hard I tried, it just never worked out right. I always felt like my girl-identified friends had some kind of prior knowledge about how to be a girl that I just missed out on.

I have doubts about the feelings I had as a young person because I know that we live in a sexist society; masculinity is privileged and femininity is devalued. I hate to sound full of myself, but I was a pretty smart kid, and I’m sure I picked up on that. What I mean to say is that I wonder if my identity confusion stemmed from a desire to be a part of the dominant, privileged group rather than an actual issue of embodiment. Why wouldn’t I want to be a boy in a society that hates girls?

However, I have been thinking more about the issue of embodiment lately and some new issues have come to light. For one, I have had a sort of silly fixation on penises for a few years now. I used to bake cookies in the shapes of penises, draw penises on my class notes, etc. I always thought this was just a stupid joke I liked to throw around, but in the past few months, I have had at least two dreams in which I actually had a penis. It wasn’t the kind of penis that biological males are born with, though. In both dreams, it was really more of an elongated clitoris. In the first dream, I used it to pee; I have always envied that male-bodied people can pee standing up, whenever and wherever they want to. I do not recall the second dream as clearly, which is strange, as it was only last night.

Though I do not experience a very severe PMS at all, I’ve always hated having my period; it seems like nature’s sadistic way of reminding me of my femaleness every month. I also have a paralyzing fear of pregnancy; the idea of a baby growing inside of me has always disgusted me.

I also used a strap-on for the first time a few months ago, and I loved the experience. I tend to be a “top” sexually – regardless of the gender or sex of my partner – and it felt great to really be able to “love” someone. I remember really enjoying touching it and pretending to jerk myself off with it. I rarely enjoy sex very much, but I definitely enjoyed this experience. Sexuality is very confusing to me lately, as I think I am having difficulty separating my desires for bodies as desires to have sex with or to inhabit certain bodies. I also realize that I identify more with the term queer than I do with ‘lesbian.’ This is partially because lesbianism implies that one is only attracted to women or females, which is not true of me, but I feel that it may also be uncomfortable for me because it infers womanliness on my part. Also, I am very much also attracted to men and folks of other genders.

Whereas I am usually very confused about my gender identity, strangely enough, it seems more clear to me when I am drinking. I recall certain times when I have been drunk, I have suddenly felt this urge to prove my masculinity to others. This has manifested itself in a few self-destructive ways (for example, putting a cigarette out on myself just to prove I can), and also in more innocuous ways (such as carrying heavy things myself in spite of others’ offers to help).

My issues of embodiment are further complicated by my small stature. I am drawn more so to men’s clothing than I am to women’s, but at 5’ 2” and 100lbs, it is impossible for me to find clothes that would fit. I can’t even imagine ever passing as male, or even convincingly androgynous. I feel like the best I could hope for is to be read as a little boy. I also must admit, when I am “misread” as male (ie: called “sir”), I get pretty excited about it. I also really enjoy being referred to in a “one of the boys” kind of way.

It is worth mentioning that I am concerned that my thoughts are too heavily influenced by my academic interests. As a gender studies student, I am probably prone to over-analyze issues of gender. I am afraid that I may be misinterpreting the fact that I “fail” at femininity to mean that I must not be a woman. I do not even believe in the category of woman or that of man; this leads me to question whether I can identify as FTM if I put such little stock into the meanings of F or M. Am I genderqueer, then? I am hesitant to claim that identity because I pass as a woman quite easily and enjoy many privileges extended to this read as cisgender. Though I find it strangely exhilarating to be read as a man, I am still unable to discern whether this is an internalization of sexism or an actual incongruency in my gender identity.

I’m just super confused, and I’m sorry for writing so much here, but I am desperate for any kind of guidance or advice on how I can figure all of this out. Thanks!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well let me start by saying

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

You wrote: I’m just super confused, and I’m sorry for writing so much here, but I am desperate for any kind of guidance or advice on how I can figure all of this out. Thanks!

Well you are in the right place, because what you are saying, what you are asking, is very typical here... and you are NOT ALONE. I am deferring to the FTM and androgyne here to answer - but let me say this one thing? You are what you are and it's just fine. Your physical size is a limitation - but so what. Just be yourself - love the life you live and live the life you love!

Lizzy

[Guest JaniceW]

Hi,

You are in the right place for sure.

Please take a moment to read the Terms and Conditions. Laura's is a moderated site and we keep it at a PG-13 level. (You haven't said anything wrong we ask everyone to read the T and C). After you have made 5 posts the Private Messaging system will be available for your use. We also have chat rooms, they do require a seperate account but you can use the same nickname you used here if it is available over in chat.

As I read your post it struck me how common the confusion is for all of us that identify as gender fluent in some way. You are among those who truly understand and can feel free to discuss whatever is on your mind.

While you are tearing yourself apart hemming and hawing over these questions please remember, as a student of gender studies, that a lawyer that represents themselves has a fool for a client and I would guess that is equally true for a gender therapist as well.

[JJ]

Hi,

We have this need to label ourselves and fit into boxes which makes being trans so confusing for many of us. There are many things in your story that I can identify with-although I have always known I had a male mind and secretly maintained a male identity all my life. Yet I have a some points wondered the same things. But if it is the desire for empowerment-then why do other women-and there are many strong women out there-not feel gender confused at least. The feeling of wrongness for me has always come from within and not from without. I was particularly struck by your statement about women having some basic knowledge you didn't. I always felt that so keenly-I had to work at things that were effortless for them and still never quite got it right on some fundamental level. I said that it was like they got and instruction book I didn't. I now realize my instruction book was just for the wrong model.

As far as the female things you did. I did them too after puberty and even on occasion before. It was what was expected and I was trying hard to be a good girl because everyone was pushing me to be. We all do what is expected rather than what we would have chosen at times.

But I can't say you are transsexual or FtM. Only you can determine that. It can be a very long complex process and the best way is to find a good gender therapist. Since you are involved in gender studies you probably know that a regular therapist is usually not helpful at best and harmful at worst since the symptoms of GID can be confused with other things and lead to a misdiagnosis if a therapist is not knowledgeable about it.

I notice this is your first post and I want to welcome you to Laura's. You've found a great place to be yourself and explore your feelings.

We aren't therapists but we will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

If you have not already done so, please read the 'Terms and Conditions' page, the link to it can be found near the upper right of most any Forum page

I look forward to your posts!

John

[Guest someone or other]

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the support. I've been trying to find some kind of space like this for quite some time now, and I'm grateful to have finally found a good venue to talk about this. Posting the other day actually helped give me the courage to try experimenting with changing my presentation a bit- today I wore Under Armour under a pretty loose shirt so that my chest appeared almost completely flat, and it was a really great experience.

The lawyer analogy is actually really helpful, I hadn't thought of it that way before.

Also, sorry about dropping the F bomb up there! I wasn't thinking that that wasn't exactly PG-13.

[Guest someone or other]

I apologize in advance for double-posting, but I think I am probably going to update this thread a lot (as a sort of dialogue with myself to document things as I figure them out).

Anyway, I just realized I never refer to myself using feminine terms. I mean, as in how some people will say, "I'm an (adjective) (girl/boy/woman/man)" I only ever say "I'm an (adjective) kid," which is kind of silly because I'm getting to that age where I can't really keep referring to myself as a "kid" anymore. I'm not sure if that really means much, but it's an interesting realization. I also call myself "this guy" a lot, but that's more of a colloquialism than an identity thing, I think.

[Guest Aaron T.]

Anyway, I just realized I never refer to myself using feminine terms. I mean, as in how some people will say, "I'm an (adjective) (girl/boy/woman/man)" I only ever say "I'm an (adjective) kid," which is kind of silly because I'm getting to that age where I can't really keep referring to myself as a "kid" anymore. I'm not sure if that really means much, but it's an interesting realization. I also call myself "this guy" a lot, but that's more of a colloquialism than an identity thing, I think.

I think this is an important realization. That you refer to yourself as "an (adjective) kid" is not silly. It's nothing to be criticising about. It just is.

I don't know how you think about it by now, but maybe it was an very important step for you to have realized that you don't use feminine terms to refer to yourself. No matter how little this seems to be -(also writing it down/sharing it here might help with the realization of it)-it can make all the difference.

You aslo say you call yourself "this guy" a lot, but that it is more of a colloquialism. What happens if you just MAKE it an IDENTITY THING? How does it make you feel?....just some thoughts on my part here....

Additional metaphysical thoughts:

We are all on our individiual journey of self-realization. As we travel along we create a better 'version' of who we are with every step we take toward who we feel we truly are.

[Guest someone or other]

Is there a term for people who are born females, feel like they would have been more comfortable in a male body, yet still don't really identify as a man, woman, male, or female? I know it's silly to feel the need to want to name things, but I feel like I've got this idea of something that I might actually identify or describe myself as, and I guess I want some kind of validation that that is actually "a thing," or that maybe other people feel that way?

[Guest someone or other]

Just bought a binder I'm really excited to try it out!

[Guest megamix_my_heart]

Is there a term for people who are born females, feel like they would have been more comfortable in a male body, yet still don't really identify as a man, woman, male, or female? I know it's silly to feel the need to want to name things, but I feel like I've got this idea of something that I might actually identify or describe myself as, and I guess I want some kind of validation that that is actually "a thing," or that maybe other people feel that way?

There are heaps of us! Well, I guess our experiences would obviously be quite different, but in a lot of ways I definately covert a male body (althoug sometimes less strongly than others), and I don't identify as an FTM or as a woman. I use genderqueer because it's what I feel most comfortable with, but even that doesn't always fit. There's a collective in Sydney, Australia called Still Fierce that has a list of gender identities that covers everything from FTM to femme fags and a whole list of things, many of which have probably not been used much outside that collective space, but which are the terms that people use because that's what fits them. So, I reckon if you find a word in use that fits, go with it, but it's just as valid to find and use a new word you've not seen around before.