Any Older Ftms? (40+)

[Guest Jaques]

Hey hey! Another old guy here (64). I am pre-T (grrrr-- now just getting tired of waiting).

Also yet another

Jay

hey bro.....

[Guest aleon515]

I just found out that Gender Odyssey (which is on the west coast in Aug, I think) is going to have an elder track. Very happy about this. Thinking I should be there, being an elder (also wise and so on? )

Hey bro, Jacque.

--Jay

[JJ]

So good to hear from other guys my age. . When I started researching 2 1/2 years ago at 63 no one had ever heard of an FTM over 60 much less one who had not transitioned. It sometimes got very lonely even here. ""Times they are a changin"

By all means go and share your wisdom!

Johnny

[Guest Rhy]

Hey guys,

I hit the top of the hill, the "over the hill" hill this year. I am pre-T and not even sure if I am going to transition physically. In the process of legal name change though. I have come out to all my friends but not my family. i don't get along with them anyway.

i did just have a procedure in Nov to get me off the E I was on for a medical condition. That has helped me mentally quite a bit. Still looking for an endo who specializes but they seem to be harder to find than a unicorn. Which I never would have though living so close to New York City.

it is great to hear from some older Trans guys. I am usually all alone in my trans groups. next oldest is usally early 30s. Lucky for me I look much ounger than i am. not to mention peter pan syndrome... i am never growing up.

I hope to be on this board more.

I promise to write an intro soon.

Peace, Rhyrus

[JJ]

Hi Rhyrus and welcome to Laura's. T think at 65 I'm one of the most senior FTMs here. Though there are more and more of us all the time. Kind of nice to not feel all alone.

I started transition 2 years ago this month and did go the hormone route. Worked well for me. Okay it made my life better than I ever thought it could be but each of us has to decide for themselves. Endos who are trans friendly can be a challenge to find. A regular medical Dr. can also prescribe and some will but many are reluctant. There may be some people here who know of trans friendly endos in New York

If might be helpful getting info if you want to post an introduction in the introduction forum too. The women here are great and can be very helpful

I look forward to hearing more from you

Johnny

[Bulldog1948]

Here's to the 3 Old Geezeers, you know who you are lol

Mike

[Guest Jaques]

Here's to the 3 Old Geezeers, you know who you are lol

Mike

....haha that made me laugh because i went to an "all girls" school and the Headmistress, who was an elderly woman who used sit on the school platform with her legs open so you could see her directoire knickers with elastic around the knees, would stand up in assembly and say, "There are those girls - (then in a very loud voice and a rolling of her eyes) - And they know who they are" - followed by some sin that had been commited - the worst thing in our school perhaps being smoking...............i can still hear her now

[Guest Ellis Mack]

Late 40's..... And it has been a very, very long time since I have thought about my gender. I accepted it and lived the most authentic life I could. Recent events have floated it to the surface again, and I have been revisiting my life choices.

I don't really identify as FtM TS. I mean, I know I am transsexual/cross-brained, but that is never really how I think of myself. I am no hormone, no surgery. I identify as a man in a woman's body.

I was clinically diagnosed as transsexual over two decades ago. That was when transsexualism was the diagnosis, not gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria. I "suffered from transsexualism". My psychiatrist, I believe, was very empathetic and pragmatic. He never doubted my identity and gave me what I feel were excellent suggestions for how to deal with my confirmed identity.

Crossdressing was never something I considered. It just made no sense to me, and it wasn't going to actually change anything. I had no intentions of running around in a costume for the rest of my foreseeable future.

At that time, there really was little proven treatment available, and it was impossible to find an open minded physician to go out on a limb even for HRT, much less surgical treatment. So my treatment plan finally devolved into how to accept my diagnosis and life with it.

Accepting it was easy. I have never doubted that even though FAAB, I was unquestioningly male brained. This was something I accepted as completely natural when I was a small child. I grew up with 4 brothers, under the thumb of a very macho, misogynestic, domineering father; anything feminine was ridiculed to the point of abuse. My male behavior and actions were not just accepted by the majority of my family, they were praised and encouraged. And everyone in our local community clearly saw this and considered my tomboy behavior an obvious outgrowth of our family dynamics. So, I spent the first 18 years of my life living in large part as a boy. Just in a girls body. With so much social acceptance in my back pocket, the physical incongruence was not an issue.

I never realized this was odd until I arrived at college. My previously gender-bent existence had created behavior and communication patterns which were suddenly, obviously and rapidly alienating everyone around me. I immediately sought counseling under the college health services. It took three painful and intense years, but I finally worked my way to the bottom of my issues. That's when I learned that being "a man in a woman's body" was NOT a routine thing. I never doubted who, or what, I was, but I was stunned to learn that it was terribly rare and very off-putting to other people. My incongruence was uncomfortable for other people, and I spent my last year of college learning to understand that and devising a way to acknowledge my difference without shame, then crafting a message that would communicate it to others without frightening them.

Once I had my message crafted and my delivery polished, I went forward with my transsexualism practically tattooed on my forehead. And I never really thought specifically about gender again.

So my physical incongruency between sex and gender still exist.

But this has generated very little dysphoria for me, as I have achieved what feels, to me, to be a successful social transition as "a man in a woman's body". I have been very involved in a male-dominated career, active in several male-dominated outdoor sports and activities, and have found a level of comfort in simply explaining to people with whom I interact that I am really much more like a man than a woman. No one who has spent any significant amount of time with me doubts this. My male personality, logic and reasoning, communication patterns and hobbies/interests all readily confirm this. I have learned that if I use that short phrase, "I am really much more like a man than a woman", almost as part of my introduction, then that uncomfortable sense of mis-match, that others experience when they interact with "different" or "other" is almost eliminated.

I am "kind of different". Friends, family, co-workers and lovers have known that. I knew they knew that. They knew I knew they knew that. We all agreed on it. We had consensus. It really didn't matter anymore.

I built a great career, married, had kids, divorced, started dating again. I used my well crafted and polished messaging when needed like I was on auto-pilot. I had 5 or 6 standard messages and I threw the appropriate one into the conversational mix whenever needed.

And that got me through the next 20 years with no significant problems and very little distress. Then I learned that my long term boyfriend is a closet crossdresser..... And the apple cart is now upended.

[JJ]

Over 45 years ago I was lucky enough to have a very good psychologist tell me based on tests and a year of therapy I had sought for depression that I was well adjusted and mentally healthy but had a male brain and personality in a female body. He felt it was intrinsic to who I was and cautioned it would make life difficult but was not any kind of mental illness or changeable. The interesting thing was that I had never disclosed to him-or anyone till 3 years ago-that internally I felt male. never had a daydream except as male and only identified with male characters in movies and books and games. Dropped into a male life internally whenever I was alone so sought time alone as much as possible. I am by nature also an introvert so being alone a lot wasn't a source of stress for me.

I lived as a woman because I never knew there was a choice. Knew about female transsexuals but the public figures then had no relation to who I was or what I felt. Never knew there were FTMs -just that I was different inside and had to keep it inside. I didn't know what it really meant and didn't want to know. I survived. But with depression and a feeling of never being able to really get it right socially-of having to work hard at what came naturally to other people as a leitmotif to my life.

When I finally faced this all I felt that I would never be fully male after all those years of conditioning and estrogen. Started out feeling about 70/30 male to female. And felt I could never transition, There were many many things in my life I had pushed back or not recognized. It felt a lot like peeling the proverbial onion as time went by. It was a time I needed to really see myself and come to know who I was and how I needed to live to find peace at last.

Today I have reclaimed my life. Transitioned and in the process lost 200 lbs and gone from bed ridden to more fit than most men my age. Came to realize I was never a woman with a man;s mind but a man forced to try and live as a woman. I am a perfectionist and I always did my dead level best but it was really impossible from the beginning. I am also finally at peace and though I have down times and face the biggest challenges of my life that are not trans related-I am happier than I have ever been,

But that is my story and my journey. It sounds as though our thinking was at one point very similar -whether we take the same journey though is a different matter.

I would say to just take it slow and let it develop as it will. This is a very complex condition driven by natal brain configuration and complicated by socialization and cross hormones also affecting brain development throughout life. For myself I came to realize I am no part female at all. I have an understanding of living a female life and have socializations that made me a better and certainly more sensitive man but am not a woman in any sense except certain sexual characteristics. It took time to reach that conclusion and as I said your journey will certainly be different in some aspects because we are individuals. I hope wherever it takes you brings you the peace and understanding and fulfillment mine brought me.

Johnny

[Guest Trexe]

I am 44 and just started on T last yr june, I am very happy in all that is happening but I am alone in walking this path. I do have my therapist but we all know that its not the same as having a friend or a family member hold your hand and just be there, But all you can do is take a day at a time, And the one thing that gets me thru each day is This little saying ***Life doesnt come with a remote you have to get up and change it yourself** And so here I am beginning my life a new.

[Guest Kael147]

Hey Guys,

41.

I was already a practicing lawyer and very feminine when I decided to transition. I couldn't not do it any more.

Coming out in my legal community was not hard, in fact, they were terrific and no hiccups, but it is the case that everyone knows about my transition and I'll never be stealth. Not that I could be stealth as my wife is an elected official and a very verbal lint activist, so...

Anyway guys, I have a couple kids, teens, one struggled one did not. They both call me Kael and my youngest uses dad every so often. Bless them all.

I just had my ovaries out and am now experiencing surgical induced menopause! Great! I think emotional, hot flushes, sweats, and who knows what else. This is my newest challenge! Gosh!

Well, I hope you are all well and let's keep talking.

Kael

[Guest Ellis Mack]

... a feeling of never being able to really get it right socially-of having to work hard at what came naturally to other people as a leitmotif to my life.

Yes, this is my same refrain. My Dysphoria takes the form of sadness at the constant alienation of always knowing that the gender box I have checked is "None of the above". Because I have chosen to deal with my Transsexualism by acknowledging it as an inter-personal confidence, of sorts, I am considered, by others, to be a very outgoing, open and friendly personality. And that is very hard work for me. I am by nature an introvert, because it consumes a lot of energy for me to interact with others. I don't feed off others' energies in the manner of an extrovert. So, saying anything to people is effort for me, even though I feel quite comfortable with the message I am delivering. I have a social life, I have friends, I am involved, but it seems to take a huge amount of effort for me to have these things. It's like I have to work for it. I don't know if that is different for introverted cis-people or not. Food for thought...

I am 44 and just started on T last yr june .... I am alone in walking this path. I do have my therapist but we all know that its not the same as having a friend or a family member hold your hand and just be there...

And walking this path alone is tough. There aren't a lot of us. Many our age just faded into the butch lesbian role and found a home that way. Unless your community is large, and liberal, enough to have an active LGBT center, it's difficult to find like kind. And the MTFs are so much easier to spot, not to mention the prevalence of crossdress/fetish, that even in "safe places" we are seldom seen or heard. My current support group is heavily skewed to genetic men on various points along the trans spectrum. Just 3 of 20 are FAAB..... and only 1 of us is actively pursuing medical transition at this time. So we don't really get much support specific to our needs or issues.

This is a very complex condition driven by natal brain configuration and complicated by socialization and cross hormones also affecting brain development throughout life.

It is complex. And that "brain development throughout life" statement worries me. I am beginning to question how well I have adapted to my birth defect. For 2 decades, my psychs have proclaimed me a model of success at noho, noop transition. I am still ovulating and menstruating like clockwork, so I don't know if its a hormone shift from peri-menopause or learning about the boyfriend's CDing, but something has just recently reached up from behind and is screaming in my face now!

41. .... I couldn't not do it any more.

And for years and years, I have heard the "couldn't not do it anymore" from MTFs. I have been quite vocal in my advice for them to just be their flaming femme selves in their straight heterosexual married middle management man lives, and that it would relieve the GD enough that they wouldn't reach that point of transition or die. Now I am finally putting my own advise to the test.

I am incredibly grateful to see so many of you here, Liz

[Guest DearFountain]

I just turned 40.

Most of my life I have been pretty androgynous and that is how I still present. I sometimes think if I had been born 20 years later I would have transitioned medically but who knows (I am non op, no ho). When I was a kid people thought I was a boy when I wasn't in my Catholic school uniform and sometimes in my teens and twenties but I mostly have not passed for male since puberty. I don't personally have a lot of social dysphoria, I don't mind being called female, but I don't care for my given name and I have a lot of body dysphoria. Most people, once they get to know me, figure out I am a man inside on their own, which is helpful. People I don't know I don't bother coming out to because they just don't need to know. That is only my personal life though, and wouldn't work for plenty of people.

I definitely look more like a typical lesbian to most people. I keep my hair short, don't wear make-up, don't shave, wear menswear style clothes and sensible shoes. But my figure is excessively feminine. I usually feel okay if I don't see a mirror but the discomfort with my body makes intimacy nearly impossible. I don't have much interest in sex but it isn't so great for my partners, so I'm confirmed bachelor now. In the past I have mostly had relationships with bisexual men and women. I appreciate other women's bodies, but mine seems all wrong.

I sometimes wonder if my body issues are more a function of the society I live in or my brain but the result is the same either way. Also, because I like and admire women and don't mind being thought of as one of them but just feel very wrong in my body I lean towards the brain. I definitely don't have any misogyny issues. I don't have the knack for women's friendships also, I've always had closer friendships with men, so that also makes me think it's biological. I may change my mind about surgery one day but I don't see it happening.

[Ravin]

Kael, thanks for sharing about your transition in the legal community. I would like to start mine soon, but it's not looking like that is going to happen. I'm a law student now, and so far have gotten little pushback when presenting myself in professional environments in a tie. I do worry a bit because I might face move to a small city in Texas for the start of my career (depends on where my husband lands for grad school).

[Guest Kael147]

Hi Ravin,

The legal community has been very supportive, so much so I'm completely shocked. I had a few hoops to jump through, but it all went swimmingly.

Good luck at law school.

[Guest Laird2013]

Laird here. 51 / 7.5 months on T/ 6 weeks post-top surgery with Dr. Mangubat in Seattle.

IMO, it's never too late. In retrospect, I was truly trans and knew it, but not the actual words for it, since I was about 4 years old. I grew up in St. Louis, moved to Portland, OR just before my 29th birthday, and the actual "concept" of FTM as a possibility never crossed my radar until I was in my late mid-30s. I lived as a lesbian for 25 years before beginning my transition at 50, because it seemed to be the best available/known option.

Once I did become aware of the real option to transition, I hesitated to even think about it seriously because I had a strong career and transitioning on the job just seemed impossible, even though I was out at work as a "lesbian". A corporate buyout and the resulting shuffle left me unemployed in 2011, and so I decided to take an extended time off and finally fully explore and reflect on claiming my true self. Best thing I have ever done for ME.

My name/gender change court date in Portland is coming up on May 3rd, and after taking care of the legalities and getting name/gender/legal documentation aligned I will again seek employment. I realize not everyone has the opportunity to self-fund the majority of 2 years off work, surgery, etc. Selling my house a year ago made this possible - not out of necessity, but because it was either the house or freedom, and I chose the latter. I don't regret it at all, nor one single dollar of my own savings spent giving myself this gift of time and transition.

My one thought to share: You need to be strong and believe in your core identity, and avoid "the negative transition story" like a plague!

[Guest Mbast11]

I'll be 40 this year. I've spent most of my life figuring that what I had was "good enough". I dress pretty much like a boy, and professionally went from shirt and tie (rolls eyes) to sort of more what a gay man would wear (nice suit with colorful shirt). I'm married and have two kids, and I'm finally settled enough in my career that I'm thinking about my future.

It's nice to be older and have all that perspective, but I have so much to lose. Right now I'm talking to my therapist. But, honestly-- I've always dressed (or wanted to dress) like a man, I walk like a man, talk like a man, want to be interacted with like a man (which may be at the root of some of the problems in my marriage-- I just simply cannot act like a "wife"). I've spent so many years talking myself out of it (I'd make a funny looking man, it's easier to get laid if you're a girl looking for a boy etc etc) that I can't tell which feelings are mine any more.

And, of course, it should be a surprise to no one that my mother was not supportive of any departure from the female stereotypes (why can't you wear some makeup? And a dress-- oh, I could pick you out some nice skirts and flats...)

[Guest Strong]

It is so great to know others are 40+ and trans

strong

[Guest connor56]

i am a 56 year old ftm who started T in Dec. 2012. would LOVE to get to know other 40+ trans men here.

[Guest Strong]

Hello Connor I'm Strong. I'm 43 Hoping to start T soon.

[Guest connor]

Hi from another Connor. I am 45 and not on T yet

[Guest Dudebro]

I'm right on the cusp of 30 so I don't quite make the bracket, but I met a great transguy a few years ago who was over 70. He was pretty awesome and seemed very happy with his choice, even having done it at an older age.

[Guest SomethingM]

I made a big step today and signed up for an account so that I could post a message. I'm not usually the hesitant scared type, but the subject of transition just shuts me down. I'm about to turn 37 and have identified as a lesbian for about 10 years (though I did also for a while in my late teens before marrying a man). I'm definitely in the trying to figure out what's next for me phase. I read about all these guys who say "I knew I was a male on the inside since I was 3..." and all that does is make me wonder if I'm in the right place or not. I didn't think I was male, I'm not sure I do now- but I do know that I'm not comfortable with what my outsides look like. I know I have an image in my head of what I want to look like and that looks like something others would call "male". I got married 2 years ago to a wonderful woman and though I set out to find a nice pant suit to wear I wound up wearing an omg Grecian wedding dress (and looked amazing).

My 2 biggest concerns and worries are how any changes in outward appearance will affect my children (one in middle school the other in high school) and how it will affect my career. Luckily my wife is overwhelmingly supportive- she was actually the one who encouraged me to look into message boards to find others in similar situations. When I am having a time of it because something has set me off (it can be as simple as an old navy email with a model that gets me thinking about how I will never look), my wife is really good to remind me that she loves who I am and not what I am.

So at the end of this rambling post of nothingness, mostly what I am saying is "hi. Thanks for being here and helping me to feel less like I am the first person to ever feel like this."

[Guest DonShelby]

I'm 51. Realized I was trans at 48 and started on a low dose of T to test it out shortly after that. I'm gradually increasing my T intake but I can tell you that I almost immediately started to feel like a weight had been lifted off of me when I started the hormones...even a low dose. It's great that there are so many mature FTMs here. I look forward to getting to know you all better.

[Guest RyanT52]

There is nothing you have to do to be legitimately FTM. If you identify as a guy then you are. At least that's my take on it.

Some therapists-especially the online ones -can be very reasonable and others have sliding fees. Some are extremely afforable in areas with LGBT centers that have therapists and such. There are ways. Sometimes I put things off because I fear the answer will be no or beyond my reach only to discover that it was possible all along and the barriers were mostly in my head. Kind of like thinking Medicare didn't cover gender therapy or top surgery. It does. Everything but bottom surgery and I lost a lot of time by not finding out earlier.

Telling people is hard. No question. Especially if you are intensely private like I am. I share a lot here that I have never shared before and find it hard even here. There were times that knowing I had to disclose to a group or even individuals made me physically ill. But I just went ahead and made myself do it. Because I knew for a fact that the only power fear has is what you give it but each time you give in to fear the stronger it becomes till it can rule-and ruin-your life. I admit I see myself as brave. Not because I don't fear things but because I go ahead and do whatever needs done anyway. Of course you need to examine if your fear is based on real danger and act accoedingly. But by and large what we fear is not a real danger to us but only the unknown or uncomfortable.

Transitioning requires learning to step out of your comfort zone and there are times that is hard. And when you get really tired of it and need a break. How fast we go though and how we approach it -what way is best for us-is highly individual. We have to learn all we can but then chose our own path at our own pace.

Being FTM has nothing to do with what I do or don't do. It has everything to do with who I am. Fundamentally. How I see my self at the core.

But even then there is no requirement to be all one thing or another. Call yourself whatever you want and feel suits you best-just be yourself and you can work it out. A therapist can help you figure out who that self really is and what you need to do to maximize you life. They are a shortcut and a tool and worth the sacrifice but the answers they lead you to are all within rather than without.

Johnny

Johnny-

I wanted to say how much I'm learning from your posts. I appreciate that you are here and have done so much research. I've been bummed about being on Medicare and worrying how I can get top surgery.

How do you get Medicare to pay for top surgery? (this is the best news I've had all day).

I want these breasts gone! I was horrified when they developed so I went about doing everything I could to hid them. I wore sweatshirts even in hot weather and caved my shoulders in to try to hide them.