Coming Out To Parents Tomorrow

[Guest mary/jason]

So, i'm home for spring break right now. My plan is to leave a letter either really late friday night or really early saturday morning so no one will actually be awake at the time and i can get out of the house and back to college without any issues arising. but, yeah, i have no idea how this is going to work out because the subject of trans-ness has never come up in the household except for when my parents watched transamerica (they liked it but didnt really know what to call the main character..she's a she, thats all). hoping all will go well and if not then i'll figure something out.

hoping my next post will be a positive, haven't been disowned one,

madison

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well, Hon......

If you are positive that you're going to do it, all I can say is " Good Luck..."

It might be good if you were available after the fact to answer questions, but, do what you need to do...

Best wishes, Honey...

Donna Jean

[Guest tiffany_marie]

Good luck Jason!

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

It will all work out, have faith!

[Guest MonikaC]

I agree with DJ. I think that with those that are close, like family, having you there would make things easier for them. At least let them know that you are willing to talk about it if they have any questions.

Good luck! I hope it goes well!

[Guest mary/jason]

i do have a bunch of resource-y type things ready as well. but i really cant do much until i know what their initial reaction is. if they don't want to talk at all i dont want to force it...that and im really terrible at face to face stuff. it's not like they cant talk to me i just don't want to be around just in case things go bad...

im just gonna get it all out there and work from there...

[Guest Emily Ray]

Madison,

I'm with you run for the hills! That was my original plan. It didn't work out that way and I handed my mom the letter and just ran for my room. I am glad I did because I was close enough for her to track me down and tell me how she still loved me and just wanted to be happy. So if it all goes good it might have gone better in person. They liked the movie remember they will love you!.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest MonikaC]

Make sure you give them as much of those resources as possible. It can help a lot with understanding.

[Guest mary/jason]

well, crap. my mom is allegedly cool but she's apparently been crying all day which leads me to believe that she's not 100% ok. she's mostly been emailing about how upset she is that i left without telling anyone even though i've tried to explain to her that i did what i knew was best for myself. i also told her i'm not good at talking to people, thus the letter/emailing. she hasn't emailed back regarding that but i did tell her i'd call later today (cause she told me to call yesterday). hopefully i can get her to get over the subject of my leaving cause right now thats what her issue is. as of now shes just making me feel terrible because i've left her to quote "blame and grieve" on her own. i just want her to see that leaving wasnt anything personal and i gave her all the things i did for an important reason. our priorities are apparently more different than i thought.

honestly i've waited to call because if i actually hear her say the type of guilt-inducing things that she's emailed me then i will just end up getting depressed and regret coming out in the first place. and i really dont like getting as depressed as i do. but i dont think i can tell her the guilt makes me depressed because then she'll blame herself for that and in turn make me feel more guilty.

and i did tell her that i would've left no matter what because i know that it was what was right for myself and the situation. its not like i randomly decided this, it's been my plan for months.

this has become a lot more complicated than it could've been. but unfortunately this is how most serious conversations play out between us.

i have no idea how my dad feels or if he even read the letter either.

madison

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am sorry your plan didn't work as you wanted. I wish you could go home so she could get the comfort of holding you. But, what is done is done and now all you can do is call and talk to her about it. you cant run anymore! it will all work out trust me. If she was upset with you being trans than that would be the topic. I imagine your father knows. She cant hide the fact that she has been crying from him all day with out him asking questions.

Call her and I hope it is a calm reasonable conversation.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest mary/jason]

the phrase "lifestyle choice" was used...some other key points were "but you played with dolls and wore dresses and liked pink when you were little" and "but just last year you wore push up bras and" did other stuff that doesnt say a thing about who i am as a person or what my gender is...she says she's supportive and she loves me and i'll answer any questions that she has but if her expectations for me to be her perfect daughter are whats getting in the way of me being happy i'll get a job and find a way to pay for school myself. and im not saying immediately, but theres only so long i think i can put up with this kind of reaction.

anyway, that part of the conversation was maybe 5-10 minutes, the other 30 minutes were spent talking about my stupid druggie brother because "we didnt have to do this now" (i.e. have a serious conversation and let me inform her on what she doesnt understand).

and ive told her things via email responses to her but she ignores the important stuff and focuses on my leaving her and stupid stuff. whatever. i'm not letting any amount of guilt or pressure she throws at me keep me from doing what i know i need to do to be happy. if she cant accept that, i'll move on.

i know i sound stupid and aggressive but if it comes down to it i know what decision i'm going to make. and i am giving her a fair chance to understand, im just venting now.

madison

[Guest Emily Ray]

Just keep loving her and let her work through loosing her daughter. It will come.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest mary/jason]

it's just frustrating because i know i can answer any questions she has but in reality i can't do anything to make her understand. it's all about her willingness to do so.

i sure as heck hope it'll come, and soon too. thanks emily!

[Guest MonikaC]

It can take a while. Especially if there were no "warning signs". When we come out to those that care for us most, they usually go through a grieving process. You know, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptqnce, etc. It's important that they work through the grieving process so they can get to the acceptance stage.

Give her time, and let her know you are here. She will come around.

[Guest Wulfhere]

Dude, no offense or anything but it seems like you're ready to condemn her right off the bat without really caring about what she might be going through. You have to understand that this is huge for her.

Yes, this is an colossal time in your life and you need a support base, but if you want to keep your relationship with her, you have to give her support as well. And that might mean listening to things you might not want to listen to, but you have to understand where those words are coming from. Yeah it can hurt, yes it can make you feel guilty, yes it can be frustrating. But by understanding where her words are coming from you can save yourself those feelings, too. I once read some lit. on how when you come out as trans to loved ones you should be prepared to be their support rather than the other way around. I agree with that. You need support, for sure, but you'd be better off in support groups of people who have been where you are or who are going through the same thing. But when it comes to your loved ones you need to be strong for them.

So far, your mom's reaction that you've described isn't abnormal at all. I'd say that parents who don't try to explain away their child being trans and who don't grieve are probably in the minority.

Your mom has lost a daughter, and a lot of hopes and dreams she had for you have probably been shattered. Or at least the image she had of you, and the memories she's had of you. She may be afraid that this will change your personality, change who you are and turn you into a stranger. She'll eventually realise that's not true, but in order to get there you need to have patience and be reasonable and compassionate with her even if it seems like she'll never understand.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean compromising who you are or your transition. It just means working through it with her. Give her time. It's only been a few days since you came out to her, you can't expect her to adapt so quickly. She needs time to get used to the idea, to grieve, to be peed off, to try to talk you out of it. Doesn't mean you have to let her talk you out of it, it just means that what she's doing is pretty normal for the situation, and that you need to give her time to get that out of her system and get used to the idea.

[JJ]

Unless you are a little different from most of us you have had questions and doubts and conflicts yourself. And you live with it inside, have had years to come to terms with it. You can't expect others to immediately understand . The concept is so foreign to their own experiences that they can't come to terms with it immediately.

And your mother has lost a child. In her reality she has. That is a horribly painful thing. She still has a child too-but one she needs time to get to know and transfer her feelings to. It can't happen in a few hours or even a few days. The truth is if your mother didn't shed a few tears I'd be worried. Those are tears of love for you, not rejection of you. Time will show her that you are still her child and that you have not changed inside. I am sure every parent of a trans child has shed tears -whether we saw them or not.

As for her bringing up the push-up bra and all-maybe it will help her to understand that like many of us you were playing a role. Trying to do the best you could even though it was not what you really wanted inside. You aren't the only FtM to have done that. One day I'll share pics of how well I played that role. It didn't make me happy but that doesn't mean I wasn't good at it. If I had to do it I was determined to do it to the very best of my ability. Just the way I approach life. I got my hair done, had manicures -the whole thing. But I was still a man inside. Still enjoyed fishing and hiking and wearing my old clothes much, much more but neither defined me.

It's a good sign that your mom wanted to talk about other things. It means she still is wanting to relate. To keep communicating.

Of course you have to continue with what will make your life good for you. But when you get there you don't want to look back and regret not having those who love you best there with you, Sometimes we have no choice in losing family or friends but when there is a choice it is worth the effort to understand where they are coming from and to help them along. This is no more a sprint for them than it is for us.

[Guest JaniceW]

One thing that I have found to be very important when hearing what our loved ones say to us is to keep in in mind that they are NOT arguing with us, they are arguing with themselves as they try to understand what it all means. Just like we did, they will go through all the doubts and all the reasons why this simply cannot be true before they finally settle down to realize that this is the way it is.

I know that it is not always easy but try to not hear her words as her telling you what she thinks about you but as her expressing how she is thinking and feeling about the situation. Keep in mind also that she is upset right now and her words may not be carefully chosen.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Give her time ... LOTS of time!

I didn't say anything when I first saw your TOPIC. Your coming out by letter may not be the best way to do it.

I always suggest a face-to-face with people you love, especially mothers. She needs to see the trust and hope in your eyes that she will support you. She needs to see our angst at being gender dysphoric your whole life.

But sometimes a face-to-face isn't possible. Sighhhhh - so it is what it is.

Stay with us and keep us updated - we care, we care a whole bunch.

Lizzy

[Guest mary/jason]

i talked with a close friend about it last night and she pretty much said the same type of things. she also said i should talk to them face to face and i will i just cant now because my next 6 or so weeks of school are insane. but once the year is over i'll talk to them directly...hopefully after talking about it via phone ahead of time...preemptively. that kind of thing. but yeah, i'll work it out...hopefully.

it's just odd because everyone else in the whole universe has been like "ok cool, when are you coming home so i can see you? <3 ^ ^ "...moms are complicated...

madison

[Guest Areyan]

Jason, i second what the others here have said. i had a similar outcome with my own mother but she has taken the hard road now and the white elephant sits in the room whenever we're together. i'd like to bring it up but i'm afraid she will burst into another torrent of "you're not manly, not trans, etc etc". the denial and tears are hard to bear but it is perhaps harder for me now that she won't speak a word of it. yes she loves me, her pain and grief have been obvious but there has been no attempt to come out of the denial or learn any more from it. i realize i'm going to have to bring it up again soon and i'm composing a letter this time because it's too hard to speak to a brick wall of denial. i hope that my letter will help it sink in more for her and make her see that i'm very serious, not crazy and have thought about it for way longer than she could imagine. i hope yours comes around eventually when she sees she has gained a happy son through her loss.